Who should get the extension?

[Janejones12]

Please can I ask your advice?
I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford.
The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair.
I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other.
I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve.
I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free.
My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to.
Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life.
If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that.
Please could I have your advice?
Many thanks

You should get the extension. Giving your sons a bedroom each would set a terrible example to all your kids. The girls watch their mother do all the work and get nothing in return and learn that female needs all life long take second place to male demands. The boys learn that males are the most important members in the household, that it is fine for the three female members, including the one who does all the work, to share a bedroom while the males have a room each.
If sharing encourages them to become independent and move out when they can then that is not a bad thing. The alternative is you organise your household around your sons, they don't move out because they are comfortable and you and your daughters are sharing one room for years to come.

You are the adult, you are the breadwinner, you need the space.

As an adult you need and deserve some privacy and space. You have the extension as your bedroom and office to wfh. The boys have the large room partitioned and your girls share the other room

@lyralalala

I'd say that the younger children need more physical space though.

The OP has said that the girls play downstairs, whereas the boys would spend more time in their rooms.

At this point they do, but there toys will be bulkier etc, so for op to get a family front room, the girls need the physical space of the larger room.

Let's v be honest the eldest won't ve happy even if he gets his demands. He'd just move onto frying bigger fish.

You get it. As they get older the girls won’t want to be sharing with their mum as much as you will want your own space, can you partition both upstairs rooms and switch it around so that the quieter boy is with one of the girls?

Have a family meeting. Outline you need your own space, but understand the boys want space too. Get the dimensions of all the rooms available for bedrooms. Give options of split the large room in two etc and then ask them what they think might work. People are much happier to do something if they've been involved in the decision process.

I really like this idea for giving individual space in the one room

i.pinimg.com/originals/57/c6/3e/57c63e3831114fe3efe75b00fedc8098.jpg

Extension - for you

Largest bedroom - shared by the boys. There are some really clever ways to do this so it almost seems like they have a room of their own. Look up the Mum who split a room using bunk beds.

Smaller bedroom - shared by the girls.

Sorry for the sun link.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/12334045/mum-separates-daughters-room-bunk-beds-instant-hit/amp/

YANBU. You deserve that room. Can your son who likes quiet wear ear plugs? They are a godsend in my house!

At this point they do, but there toys will be bulkier etc, so for op to get a family front room, the girls need the physical space of the larger room.

Let's v be honest the eldest won't ve happy even if he gets his demands. He'd just move onto frying bigger fish.

The family front room is taken up by the xbox and the girls at the moment so it'll still be an improvement. The girls will have much more space than they do at the moment as there will be one less bed needed. A double room is plenty for them, especially if they get bunk beds.

You get the extension. Girls share, boys share. That is fair on every one.

Of course you should get the extension, no question about it. At the moment you're sharing with the girls! That's not fair on them!

If I was you I would partition the boys room and mum gets to have the extension.
Do you really want to share with teenage girls when they get older?
Can you get sound proof insulation put in the partition wall in boys room?

For your room, look into desks that go over beds - that may give you a better option space wise.

OP from what you've said about your family background, you've not been given choices as a child yourself or had people observing your boundaries. But actually you can make your own choices now and should do so. It's clear that you can never please everyone all of the time - hence your dilemma with your sister and partner having opposing views. Bear that in mind as evidence that the only person you can really please is yourself.

Make the choices that are best for you because you are the only person keeping this family going: your partner isn't, your sister isn't, your eldest isn't, your ex isn't. So it's vital that you have the headspace, personal space and workspace for yourself.

Your boys will have to find a way to make things work. They could maybe have a rota of times they get the bedroom to themselves. One could work in the library some of the time or do they homework at school or college. They may have to develop outside interests to facilitate this. You may have to insist that they do outside exercise separately at least once a day. They could help sometimes by taking the younger ones to the swings or the park.

Good luck.

You should have the extension. Whilst it’s a small house I’m sure there’s plenty you can do to give privacy, even if sharing.

Have you seen these www.diy.com/departments/karalis-cut-out-adjustable-height-room-divider/1012710_BQ.prd

you get the extension and split the bigger room. Be firm if the eldest complains, remind them their father pays nothing and part of the reason you are cramped. You get the room as you are the adult and pay for everything. you need space privicy too. when your elsest is back to svhool he can use the library to study. tell both boys at 16 they need to get a part time job.

What LEELULUMPKIN said. Girls share, boys share, mum gets the extension. Xbox goes out of the damn window if DS can't control himself on it.

You should get the extension. Giving your sons a bedroom each would set a terrible example to all your kids. The girls watch their mother do all the work and get nothing in return and learn that female needs all life long take second place to male demands. The boys learn that males are the most important members in the household, that it is fine for the three female members, including the one who does all the work, to share a bedroom while the males have a room each.

This is actually really, really important.

My first reaction is why does your sisters opinion hold so much weight with you?

You get the extension op. You’ve done a fabulous job of parenting and life, and a little space will help you get through the next decade. If your sister says anything you say I shall tell eldest he’s always welcome to stay at yours then shall I? Or is your advice only when it wouldn’t compromise your space or life in anyway? Partner doesn’t sound long term so should not be considered in any way. But you should invite anyone you want to for coffee and your boys can piss off with their judging. You say calmly I’m not sure about that look on your face- you pay the mortgage and you can have a say on who comes here.

Even if I had my own room and so decided to give eldest the extension, it would be till he finished school. By end July he would need to swap rooms back so his brother could have the better room fro final year study. And then the girls get the best rooms for their final years (after yours of course). That would be an absolute non negotiable you don’t move into it to start with unless that is crystal clear. But you don’t have your own room so that’s not the way to go.

You should have the extension and the children can share the other bedrooms.

This is my fault as when we were discussing options I was talking about trying to put one of them in there

I don't mean to be harsh OP, but why on Earth did you suggest this? It's clear (and very worrying) that you are too afraid to say no to your sons, but I really feel like you made a rod for your own back here and I cannot understand how this even seemed like a fair solution to you on paper. You haven't really addressed the comments about the awful message it sends to your daughters to give your sons a bedroom each while they share with you. Bearing in mind that the oldest girl is edging closer to 10 and isn't a toddler anymore, does this not bother you? Why did your mind not automatically jump to your two daughters need to have a bedroom?

As I mentioned before, I think you should have the extension for your own sake, regardless of the set up with the kids. You are a working mother of four and need your own space to keep the family ticking over, your children need to respect that. But there's been a lot of talk about you being unable to not be selfless - well I would argue that giving the bedroom to the boys is not selflessness - it is actually throwing your daughters under the bus to gratify your sons. It isn't selfless to have two girls who are no longer babies have no bedroom of their own and share with their mother, so as not to anger two boys who already have that.

You should get the extension. Giving your sons a bedroom each would set a terrible example to all your kids. The girls watch their mother do all the work and get nothing in return and learn that female needs all life long take second place to male demands. The boys learn that males are the most important members in the household, that it is fine for the three female members, including the one who does all the work, to share a bedroom while the males have a room each
If sharing encourages them to become independent and move out when they can then that is not a bad thing. The alternative is you organise your household around your sons, they don't move out because they are comfortable and you and your daughters are sharing one room for years to come.

You are the adult, you are the breadwinner, you need the space.

This says it all. Don't teach your children that males must always be prioritised.

@Janejones12 the more you post, the more it sounds like you have spent a lifetime living in fear of angry, manipulative men, and trying to appease them. It’s understandable that you are tying yourself in knots, and that you are frightened of the reaction of teenage boys who have learned from their father that men’s demands can be met if they are threatening enough.

You are the adult in charge here. You are the breadwinner, and you have to prioritise doing your job. Whatever you do, someone will moan, so do what’s right for you.

Your partner may be nice, but he’s bringing a whole heap of shit to your door when you really don’t have the time and energy to deal with it. You don’t need another man full of hassle in your life - bin him off until he gets himself sorted out.

You have done brilliantly to leave an abusive husband, bring up four children, get back into work, and buy your own house. You get stuff done. You are in charge, and you are the adult. Allowing your son to rule the roost because you are fearful of his reactions will set him up very badly for adult life, and will show your daughters that they should defer to male tempers. Good parenting means making the right choices for the balance of the whole family, not trying to appease the most manipulative member and please onlookers. You’ve got this, stay strong.

Could you afford to hire an office space nearby? There are probably some going very cheap.

YABU but only in the fact you are treating yourself badly. You work your backside off and save by scraping every penny you can but feel bad about having a new bedroom/office. YABU for allowing the 2 young men in the house to sit on their backsides and treat you as a servant. They have a poor role model in their father so it is your job to make men out of them.
Enjoy YOUR new room and your new relationship, may they both bring you a lot of bliss