Who should get the extension?

[Janejones12]

Please can I ask your advice?
I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford.
The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair.
I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other.
I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve.
I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free.
My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to.
Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life.
If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that.
Please could I have your advice?
Many thanks

You should get the extension. It is your house and you need it to work from home. And if your son is making too much noise with his x-box, take it away from him.

The way this would work would mean a 15 year old walking through their bedroom every time he needed the toilet or went in or out the bedroom.

Realistically though how often does that happen?

Once my teens are in their room they are in. The boys are also old enough to understand that if they want private space then there are compromises. That means being quiet coming in and out of the room when their sisters are asleep.

I think you should have the extension. It wouldn't sent a great message to your daughters that the menfolk get a room each and the women get one room between three.

Well, done for getting your life on track like this. YOU get the extension, my DKs always shared rooms when they were younger,(also 2 of each) until one got a living in job and moved out, they never complained. When you get a bit more money, cheap garden shed,put in insulation, get the older boys on the build, you may even find a cheap one on e bay, or free. fancy it up wont cost much charity shops,chill out zone, everyone can use.

Can the extension make 2 rooms? Since it's being built from scratch is there not a way to put 2 doors leading in and divide it up, even if it's 2 very small rooms. That way both boys could have that and you put the girls in their old room and keep yours?

Can you sketch a floor plan of the layout? Posters might be able to suggest how to make the upstairs bedrooms work.

It is making me consider getting a different job, out of the house, so I get out more. I am just a bit of a mess at this point of lockdown. I'm literally sick of being surrounded all the time.
I don't like making others angry with my decisions so either I upset my sister/partner (who to be honest I am considering dumping for other reasons)/friends.
Nobody ever seems to support what's best for me overall or what I should really do. That's why I'm asking here!

Also from what you've said there is probably more chance of them being respectful to their sisters than each other.

@lyralalala

No, I’m suggesting the boys get half of the partitioned room each and the girls share the boys’ previous room.

@Janejones12

Please can I ask your advice? I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford. The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair. I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other. I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve. I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free. My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to. Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life. If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that. Please could I have your advice? Many thanks

I would have the extension as your bedroom and office, with the caveat that if needed one of the boys can study at your desk if needed. Re the boys bedroom, I wouldn't divide it, but I would say that regardless of being night owl by 9pm it's lights off and courteous behaviour or go into front room and be courteous there. Re maintenance, put in a cms claim regardless. Re your bf, he may well have reasons for his advocating you have the extension, but I'd be wary of throwing him into the tinder box of hormones too.

Extension was literally big enough to house a desk and sofabed/single bed. Not possible for them to share.
Don't know how to do a floor plan sorry.
I think partitioning would be cheap and yes eldest can go in most private but I am scared of his disappointed reaction. This is my fault as when we were discussing options I was talking about trying to put one of them in there. I seem to not be able to make a decision then tell other people what it is. Telling them what it is is so frightening to me that I change my mind based on what their reaction will be. It results in indecisiveness because everyone has a different reaction.

You should have the extension. Any chance of a summer house or cabin in the garden so one of the boys can go there for peace and partition their room for privacy?

@Janejones12

It is making me consider getting a different job, out of the house, so I get out more. I am just a bit of a mess at this point of lockdown. I'm literally sick of being surrounded all the time. I don't like making others angry with my decisions so either I upset my sister/partner (who to be honest I am considering dumping for other reasons)/friends. Nobody ever seems to support what's best for me overall or what I should really do. That's why I'm asking here!

First things first. Take a deep breath.

Lockdown has been hellish. Schools are back soon so you'll get some breathing space.

Your sister and your partner are absolutely fuck all to do with this decision. Nothing at all. This is your home and your children.

You need that space. You need space to be an adult. You need space to work and you need the space not to be surrounded. It's your space.

Sounds like you need a family meeting with the boys. Speak to them and ask them how they think would be best to split the two bedrooms upstairs between the four children of the house. Do not get into negotiations over the extension. That is your bedroom and your workspace.

They can either share a partitioned room with each other or share in another way suggested here, or that they come up with. That is their choices. They are the children.

@Janejones12

It is making me consider getting a different job, out of the house, so I get out more. I am just a bit of a mess at this point of lockdown. I'm literally sick of being surrounded all the time. I don't like making others angry with my decisions so either I upset my sister/partner (who to be honest I am considering dumping for other reasons)/friends. Nobody ever seems to support what's best for me overall or what I should really do. That's why I'm asking here!

I hope that the responses here have reassured you that you using the extension as your work place and bedroom is not only right for you, it’s also the best decision for the whole family as it will enable you to work and family life to function.

Does the 3yo go to nursery (in normal circumstances)while you work, or do you need to parent her ? If she’s at home it would be safer for you to watch her from the extension while she plays in the sitting room.

And remember that everyone goes back to school in a couple of weeks, which will relieve some pressure.

@HunterHearstHelmsley

I think you should have the extension. It wouldn't sent a great message to your daughters that the menfolk get a room each and the women get one room between three.

100% this.

I would partition off the larger room you are currently sharing with the girls so the boys get more space, put the girls in the current boys room and you have the extension. Don't even think about not having the extension for yourself.

Your other option, and it's really not an ideal one, but might be an option, is to split the boys room. Make the loud one keep his xbox up there. Allow the eldest to read/use his laptop in the extension in the evening. Then at night he can have the choice of a sofa bed in the lounge (since he's up early) or sleeping in his half of the partitioned room.

You should definitely have the extension. You are the adult and breadwinner and you need space to work.

It sends a very troubling message to all of your children if you and the girls are sharing a room and your sons have a bedroom each.

You need to be clear that you are having the extension. It’s going to cause so much shit if they think they can manipulate you.

Partitioned rooms are fine. You aren’t forcing them to be on their rooms all day. If they want a bit of space they could go out for a walk or bike ride. Sharing a room is not the end of the world.

@TroysMammy

You should have the extension. Any chance of a summer house or cabin in the garden so one of the boys can go there for peace and partition their room for privacy?

No we have a yard unfortunately thanks though.

@lyralalala ‘s suggestion about getting the boys to figure out how to split the upstairs bedrooms is brilliant- takes the extension out of the equation , but gives the boys some ownership of the problem and possible solutions.

You get the extension. You are the parent, you're working hard and earning to keep a roof over their heads, of course you get the extension. The boys get a partition room, the girls share.

You explain this to the family. You tell the demanding boys that when they earn their keep they get a say but since they are currently not, then your rules goes. You can say this kindly, not harshly. However, you point out what a struggle it is for you and that they are getting to the age where you expect some help around the house, and explain what you need them to do....and make sure they step up a bit.

Remember that one day they will move away and leave home anyway, they aren't going to be there forever.... They will have a chance to get rooms that they want in their own places.

FWIW, I think you should have the extension, partition one room for the boys and the two girls can share.

The needs of the girls and you are as important as the needs of the two boys. if the boys get rooms of their own and the three of you are all crammed together in one room, it won't be long before they register the unfairness of this.

But as others have said - lockdown, especially in a situation where all of you are on top of each other - has been so stressful. Well done you for sorting an extension which is a start to making things better for you all.

Extension is yours. The boys need to grow up and stop thinking about the rest of the house. They can start by taking on chores and helping out with their sisters while you work. It seems like your ideal us having them in their own separate rooms all day..... that's not healthy. Bedrooms are for sleeping in. The boys may be different but they need to get on. They shouldn't be allowed on x box all day/ to stay up late/ the youngest needs to respect his brother needs to study and have quiet. Can you give him set times to go online/ talk to his friends and he can do something constructive the rest of the time? Take back control op.

You have the extension , girls move into boys room and you partition the larger of the current bedrooms for the boys . Or partition both the bedrooms and all the children get a bit each and you still get the extension .