Who should get the extension?

[Janejones12]

Please can I ask your advice?
I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford.
The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair.
I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other.
I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve.
I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free.
My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to.
Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life.
If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that.
Please could I have your advice?
Many thanks

You've done so amazingly well OP, getting through the years since separation and then lock down.

The problem with being someone who has become habituated to putting everyone else's needs before their own (ie most women) is that when you start to put your own needs first, it feels very odd and you can find a hundred excuses not to, and it takes other people by surprise.

In your situation, esp given what you've said about being a mess at this stage in lock down, I wouldn't make a firm decision. You may feel differently about working at home when your children are back at school and hopefully doing more out of the house.

But I would continue using the extension for work while I had a series of discussions with the teenagers about pulling their weight at home, and how living together takes compromises.

I also think in the long run that it is you who is more entitled to privacy and your own room. It won't be many years before your girls won't want to be sharing with their mum and it will be harder then to take the extension back from an entitled teenager.

Op you need your own space.
The boys can continue to share.
Your DD is 7, is it really appropriate in 4 years time for her still to be sharing a room with you. The boys will still only be 18 & 19.

I'd look at dividing a room for the boys, could be a solution to use a set of ikea kallax shelves or even two wardrobes side by side so they have a division between them.

It won't be long before they are back in school and you get some routine back.

No way should you have the boys in a room each and and you sharing with two little girls.

The boys need to learn to get along better, I know teenagers are difficult and selfish, but expecting their mum so share a room with two very small children while they have a bedroom each is ridiculous.

Take the room.

With the 'partner' since the ex wife found out (they've been divorced 4 years) she actually started trying to be my best friend, extrapolated information about me through conversation then fed it to him to try and put him off, has initiated days out for both of them with our children-without me!-and turned up to two of our dates.
This is batshit and not worth the shit right-he is too scared to challenge as she manipulates the kids into not wanting to leave her, sits crying at the door when it's his turn for having them so they won't go.

Unsure if you are buying or renting, but if you divide a bedroom, permisission have to be given, it will affect your house insurance, you have to be mindfull of fire risks.

OP, you have mentioned that you don’t have someone over for coffee because the boys don’t like it, and then about being concerned about the reaction of your eldest if he doesn’t get what he wants. This isn’t ok. They do not get the deciding vote in all aspects of your life and it’s sending a dangerous message to suggest they do.
You take the extension, you are the adult in this situation.

This is about so much more than a bedroom, which is why I think it is so important that you stick to your guns and have the extension yourself.

@Janejones12

With the 'partner' since the ex wife found out (they've been divorced 4 years) she actually started trying to be my best friend, extrapolated information about me through conversation then fed it to him to try and put him off, has initiated days out for both of them with our children-without me!-and turned up to two of our dates. This is batshit and not worth the shit right-he is too scared to challenge as she manipulates the kids into not wanting to leave her, sits crying at the door when it's his turn for having them so they won't go.

In the nicest way OP, between that and his selfish pushing on you over the room, bin him. You have enough to deal with in your own life without dealing their their shit too.

Never ever date someone with more shit in their life than you have. Golden rule.

You should get the extension 100%. You deserve it. You sound so selfless but I think you need to be a little selfish and think of yourself this time.

If your girls room is bigger than the boys, swap them over & put a wall in.

Don't rush a decision, school starts soon and it will take alot of pressure off and you will have a clearer head to think it through. Then think about what will improve your life most, maybe you having the extension will be great or maybe separating the boys will make more sense, no one can tell you as you know what will work for you, you don't have to make a decision to suit partner/sister/friends/children/MN member/uncle Tom Cobley and all so forget all that and think of you and your life.

@christinarossetti19

You've done so amazingly well OP, getting through the years since separation and then lock down.

The problem with being someone who has become habituated to putting everyone else's needs before their own (ie most women) is that when you start to put your own needs first, it feels very odd and you can find a hundred excuses not to, and it takes other people by surprise.

In your situation, esp given what you've said about being a mess at this stage in lock down, I wouldn't make a firm decision. You may feel differently about working at home when your children are back at school and hopefully doing more out of the house.

But I would continue using the extension for work while I had a series of discussions with the teenagers about pulling their weight at home, and how living together takes compromises.

I also think in the long run that it is you who is more entitled to privacy and your own room. It won't be many years before your girls won't want to be sharing with their mum and it will be harder then to take the extension back from an entitled teenager.

Thank you I think not making a decision until they return to school sounds wise, as the pressure of the current situation is lifted. But, that could be procrastination. The eldest can literally spend every minute in there other than to sleep, if I am not working. I am not sure he will want that. It is right that they know how to pressure me. I am pulled 4 ways

The extension 100% should be your space, especially if you need somewhere quiet to work as well. Don't feel guilty about that - you being more well rested and less stressed will benefit them. Use the largest bedroom to partition for the boys, and maybe find a quiet nook downstairs for one of the boys to have a desk/games console whatever so that they can separate themselves from the other a bit.

I think you are talking to the wrong people. We can't change anything and your sister and partner are less than useless to you.

Your boys are old enough to be talked to in a relatively adult manner, so call a house meeting and spell it out to them. Tell them they have one chance to discuss this and to be involved in changes to the house. If they choose to be selfish, silly, angry etc, then you will make the best decision for you and they will just have to accept it.

Include things like them taking part in cooking, cleaning etc. Don't let them continue to remain separate and fully catered for!

Basically, you all need to make changes, grow up etc.

I have bought. I could rent larger but unwise in the long term as I will have no security in old age.
I can afford where I am comfortably. We have a comfortable life really, though they can't recognise or appreciate it.
I had no bedroom door as a teenager as it was kicked in with me behind it. So I understand not having privacy.

I agree that it sounds like family meeting time.

I think that you should get the extension and the boys' room should be partitioned. The younger son needs to use headphones while gaming or watching YouTube and not be so noisy. You need to find a way to make things up to the older son for getting his hopes up.

@Gemma2019

I would partition off the larger room you are currently sharing with the girls so the boys get more space, put the girls in the current boys room and you have the extension. Don't even think about not having the extension for yourself.

I'd say that the younger children need more physical space though.

I really don't like the unintentional messaging of giving both boys a private room while the three woman share one (and it's not just a 3 and 7yo - it's the adult breadwinner and head of the household too).

It's a shame you suggested one of the boys might go in the extension - I think that's where your worry is coming from. You need to start laying the groundwork by gently dropping into conversation that the extension will be your office /your bedroom.

And why don't the 14 and 15yo have any chores? Suggest they start by each cooking one dinner a week, and take turns doing the household laundry or hoovering, or whatever.

Their need for privacy and space does not exceed yours. In fact, yours is greater given that you WFH.

This. I know how you feel about wanting to please everyone. But you’re the parent and you need to lead your family from the top. Kids need boundaries to feel safe and secure and letting them rule the roost while putting yourself further down the pecking order won’t do them any favours in the long run.

My DS is also noisy with his headphones on, shouting at his friends while they’re playing. We’ve wired in an Ethernet connection so that he can shut his door while he’s online, as previously he had to leave it open to get decent WiFi speeds. If he’s being too loud he gets a warning and if it continues he’ll be told to turn it off.

I agree with others about the message you send out if the boys get a room each and you’re still sharing with two girls. At 3 & 7 they may be too young to understand the implications, but it will be added to their many life experiences where they feel hard done by, and one day the sexist element of it will hit them.

I'd say that the younger children need more physical space though.

The OP has said that the girls play downstairs, whereas the boys would spend more time in their rooms.

Your needs are important, take the study. Start exercising your needs in little ways, I refuse to take the misshapen baking as a default!

@haveyoutriedgoogle

OP, you have mentioned that you don’t have someone over for coffee because the boys don’t like it, and then about being concerned about the reaction of your eldest if he doesn’t get what he wants. This isn’t ok. They do not get the deciding vote in all aspects of your life and it’s sending a dangerous message to suggest they do. You take the extension, you are the adult in this situation.

This is true. When I made a difficult decision to leave my ex the eldest threatened to kill himself. He obviously didn't, but it was because we moved from a large home to a small one and he didn't want to come. Their dad was very much 'all about me', my life was constant pandering to him or he would be sulky, or have sex elsewhere if I wasn't providing him with attention all of every day. He had no interest in the children because they took attention away from him, to the point of being bullying. That's why I left. Should have done it sooner.

Your hard work is what pays for this house - you need a decent space to work and rest in.

This. The girls are younger and you've said they mostly play downstairs. Because the boys are older and need some private space, and taking into account the oldest possibly having additional needs, partitioning the larger room for them sounds sensible.

You sound as though you are trying to please everyone but you need to put your own oxygen mask on first.

Your son may be disappointed that he doesnt get the extension but that will be a life lesson. It was not his to begin with and you need space to work and rest.

Does your eldest have a pair of noise-cancelling headphones?

My other observation is that, at those ages your boys should be able to do some chores around the house. If you want them to grow up to be self-sufficient and be better husbands/dads than their father and grandfather then they start learning now.

I agree with everyone who has said you need your own space. It's understandable that your sons WANT their own rooms, but like often doesn't give us everything we want and they should be able to see that If they don't want to share with one other person, a sibling at that, it's unreasonable to expect an adult to share with 2 others.

The extension should be yours.
And I think you need to have some stern words with your two sons. They need to sort their issues around the Xbox and noise buy reaching a compromise with you as mediator. I know it's a difficult subject, (I have moody, selfish teens myself) but what they would learn from this here and now, will be an important life lesson.
I also think the sitting room should be there for all to enjoy, your girls are still young and need family time like a cuddle and movie or playtime with friends.

You need a house meeting. You, the boys and the 7-year-old. Sort out the chores. They can all chip in in age appropriate ways (including your 7yo will help fend off any suggestion that it's only the boys).

Set house rules. Your younger son shouldn't be taking over the lounge every single day. Noise should be ended at set times. Set them chores.

Give the boys the task of working out the two bedrooms for the children. The extension is not on the table. At that point don't offer it during the evening - give and inch and they'll take a mile so hold your inch of carrot until later in case you need it.