Who should get the extension?

[Janejones12]

Please can I ask your advice?
I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford.
The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair.
I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other.
I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve.
I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free.
My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to.
Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life.
If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that.
Please could I have your advice?
Many thanks

Op, you mention your boys are lazy. Could the prospect of having their own space be a carrot to them changing their ways? Explain you work hard and the extension is yours. However, if they really want their own space, you would be willing to consider this if they ‘work hard’ for it? Doing chores etc?

Not sure which way the YABU goes so haven't voted. But you deserve the extension xxx

You, of course. You’ve worked bloody hard and one day, your teenagers will understand and appreciate that!

@TW2013

You get the extension, girls share the smaller room, partition the larger room for the boys.

^ this

1. Start an investigation to find out whether your younger ds has ASD.
2. Start parenting your dc and making them to do their shares of household tasks.
3. Set rules for your dc re using shared spaces and respecting your space.
4. Contact CRM and get your useless ex to pay for his own dc.
5. Ignore your new partner and make the best decision for you.

Kudos to you for keeping your family going by yourself all this time. Your dc are now old enough that they can play their part.

I think you are doing a marvellous job, raising 4 children and keeping a roof over your heads, by yourself. The current situation is very difficult, but isn't 'normal'. Your children will be going back to school soon.

I agree with others that you should have the extension. Your daughters won't be this age forever and they are going to need their own space. If you give your boys a room each, you won't be able to take it back when your girls get older.

I think you should explore ways to divide a room for your sons. You may be pleasantly surprised with ways in which you could split a room for them both. Although it may not be 'their' ideal solution, you could make it lovely for them. Look at some ideas online and contact a builder to see what an be done.

The extension is for you, OP..
Your suggestion of staying with your 2 daughters whilst each son gets their own room is ridiculous and you know it. You are simply worried about his reaction. He is not in charge - you are. He will stop and stomp like he did when you moved to a smaller home. He is trying to act like the male in charge of your house - he is not. Dont let your daughters live like this, either. Girls share, boys share and parent has own room. This is how it usually works. Put your foot down.

I was going to say you have it, but if it makes the house more peaceful if your eldest has it, then maybe that's what you should do.

I would let oldest have it and say that you’ll need it back as an office / bedroom when he starts uni and that he’ll go back in to share with his brother then.

You share with your daughters, right? You can’t do that long term. So say to your 15 year old that he can have it until he’s finished his A Levels. Then he goes back to sharing.

You have the extension.

@Janejones12 please tell us you’ve decided to move into the extension. It’s yours. You are in charge. You paid for it. You are a single mum to 4 kids so you are practically a living saint so you deserve it

Your eldest son’s behaviour sounds worrying. You describe him as manipulative. You say he once threatened suicide. You describe how he smiles when he goes into the extension - ie more manipulation. You say he’s lazy and never helps. I’m afraid you need to do some more strict parenting with him. I suspect some of his behaviours have flown under your radar whilst you’ve been in survival mode. It’s time to help him become the good, kind, considerate, helpful, generous and genuine man he could be - but that needs a re-set of your current family dynamic - starting with you making it really clear who is in charge (you) and who gets the most privilege (you). If you give in to your eldest on this, you continue a pattern that rewards the behaviours you hate.

Your younger boy needs noise cancelling headphones and boundaries around x box use. If he’s talking or shouting too much whilst using it, he needs to know he only gets one reminder and then it goes off if he does it again. (Worked for my DS).

Your girls will very soon want and need their own space away from their mum. This is the opportunity to make this happen, take it.

Your sister is at best deluded, but sounds like she’s part of an abusive past you have escaped. You don’t have to please her and you shouldn’t try.

Your partner sounds like he has too much baggage. Ok as a friend but too much drama in tow for anything else. His opinion is interesting but irrelevant. It’s not his home, they are not his kids.

Ask your architect/builder to look at the two existing bedrooms and work out how to divide them. Then you decide which room is split for the boys. Tell them, don’t ask. Tell your girls which room they are getting.

Finally, lockdown has made many people reappraise their family lives and how they live. Don’t wait until everyone is back to normal. Take this opportunity before they go back to school to talk about the changes that you will be making permanently in your home and how everything will work come September. Timetable chores, who gets living room privilege/ screen time and when, so that it’s all fair. Make sure they all know that the extension is your space. It is not for gaming, playing, hanging out. It is yours. Enjoy it.

Is the bedroom you have been in bigger? Could you out the two boys in there and partition it solidly, get headphones etc with the early riser nearest the door?

Girls get other room redecorated nicely, you get extension?

Please put yourself first and take the room. Partition the boys room. Try to get it as sound proofed as possible. With the deepest respect you are doing the teenagers no good by allowing them such an entitled life. It won’t kill them to have to share a door. You also need to put together a chores toys and get everyone to help. You must be feeling so overwhelmed but you have done fantastically.

Your partner's right- You're the adult, plus you're doing all this stuff. You need and deserve your own space.

How about if I give the two girls a partitioned room each, eldest the extension, second eldest where he is
I could get a sofabed and sleep in the lounge which would then have no toys in it. Only thing is I will not have any room for stuff. But they will all have their own space so it's fair for each of them. I could find a day job.
I feel I am working to keep them forever. I can't see ever being free to be honest. And they don't even go back to school properly but it's silly half days here and mornings there until at least the beginning of October. That's another 6 weeks

As PP say partition the larger room for boys you take extension. The older one may leave in couple of years for uni then you can reassess, you need some space of your own while working and bringing them up.

My friends children take it in turns to cook evening meal once a week from Hello Fresh. Expensive but cheaper than takeaway and it’s a learning curve which they enjoy and teaches them a valuable lesson and meals are generally scrumptious. Gives mum a break and all sitting down to family meal is bonding.

Take heart you are going a great job, it’s difficult for most at the moment. Time soon passes.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but think of it this way. You have permitted your boys to manipulate you to get what they want and are putting their own wants over you and their two little sisters. You actually owe it to your sons, to stand up to them and put your own needs first. If you continue to permits them to be lazy, ungrateful and manipulative, you will have let them think they are superior to women, by default. This attitude will follow them into any relationships they have, including friendships. By putting your foot down, you might just waken them up to the fact that the sun doesn’t actually shine out of their arses and may actually encourage them to be treat you better.

Look online and research sound proofing as there are many different types, then decide on the one you want, so that you are coming across as knowledgeable to whoever you get to build the dividing wall. If the builder suggests a different type, research it, before you commit. This is important, as you don’t want to waste money on something that doesn’t work. A solid door will also help keep down the noise. Keep in mind, splitting the room will still be a massive improvement for them, compared to what they have now.

Stand up to your sons, for goodness sake, otherwise your little girls will end up being dominated by them, as they grow. Either your son wears headphones, when in the sitting room, or he buggers off to his room. No excuses.

@Janejones12

How about if I give the two girls a partitioned room each, eldest the extension, second eldest where he is I could get a sofabed and sleep in the lounge which would then have no toys in it. Only thing is I will not have any room for stuff. But they will all have their own space so it's fair for each of them. I could find a day job. I feel I am working to keep them forever. I can't see ever being free to be honest. And they don't even go back to school properly but it's silly half days here and mornings there until at least the beginning of October. That's another 6 weeks

Stop looking for excuses to pander to your sons. You need your own space and they need to learn that YOU are head of the household, rather than chief cook and bottle washer.

Buy a second hand shed and turn it into a gaming space.
Buy that ds a bloody warm coat.
As a dm who once slept in a dining room for years so my dc could have a room I tell you to grab that extention door handle and don't let go!

@SuitedandBooted

You should get the extension. Giving your sons a bedroom each would set a terrible example to all your kids. The girls watch their mother do all the work and get nothing in return and learn that female needs all life long take second place to male demands. The boys learn that males are the most important members in the household, that it is fine for the three female members, including the one who does all the work, to share a bedroom while the males have a room each If sharing encourages them to become independent and move out when they can then that is not a bad thing. The alternative is you organise your household around your sons, they don't move out because they are comfortable and you and your daughters are sharing one room for years to come.

You are the adult, you are the breadwinner, you need the space.

This says it all. Don't teach your children that males must always be prioritised.

OP, you sound marvellous.

That extension is yours.
You have been bullied and ignored by men.
Don't let this be the model for your daughters.
Lazy waster brothers dominating the home.

Tell your sister to mind her own, she hasn't a clue.
Your children need to help out.

@Janejones12

How about if I give the two girls a partitioned room each, eldest the extension, second eldest where he is I could get a sofabed and sleep in the lounge which would then have no toys in it. Only thing is I will not have any room for stuff. But they will all have their own space so it's fair for each of them. I could find a day job. I feel I am working to keep them forever. I can't see ever being free to be honest. And they don't even go back to school properly but it's silly half days here and mornings there until at least the beginning of October. That's another 6 weeks

No.

The girls don’t need their own rooms.

Partition the boys room - swap the children over if the girls room is biggest.

You get the extension for work and sleeping.

You aren’t a lodger in your own house.

At most buy the two boys noise cancelling headphones.

You’re not sleeping in the lounge OP. You need a decent night’s sleep and a decent workspace. You’re the one keeping the whole show on the road.

@Janejones12

How about if I give the two girls a partitioned room each, eldest the extension, second eldest where he is I could get a sofabed and sleep in the lounge which would then have no toys in it. Only thing is I will not have any room for stuff. But they will all have their own space so it's fair for each of them. I could find a day job. I feel I am working to keep them forever. I can't see ever being free to be honest. And they don't even go back to school properly but it's silly half days here and mornings there until at least the beginning of October. That's another 6 weeks

@Janejones12

No no no no no

Please Please please read my other post.

Do this and you abandon your eldest to a lifetime of entitled bullying manipulative unhappiness. He needs boundaries, not rewards. He needs to be parented, not stored in another room until he’s ready to leave.

You deserve the new room. You you you.

Really good idea about the shed.

Are the boys likely to go to university? If so, id tell the oldest he gets the extension on the condition it's for 3 yrs. At that time you're having the extension and the brothers will share during holidays. If he decides not to go to uni, then he still moves back in with his brother.
Bh that time the 10yr old girl should not be sharing with her mother.

A 3 yr fixed term arrangement I could cope with. The potential for the boys to get comfy and never leave would worry me.