Who should get the extension?

[Janejones12]

Please can I ask your advice?
I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford.
The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair.
I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other.
I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve.
I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free.
My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to.
Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life.
If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that.
Please could I have your advice?
Many thanks

Op I cross posted with you. On the basis of your update I’d give your son the extension - a calm and quiet house is the best for all.

You sound like you’re doing a great job with your DC.

My sister has no kids, is selfish in terms of her own needs-of course as a single person she can be-so doesn't understand my experience whatsoever. The rest of my house is being decorated beautifully and I will enjoy it more if the boys are not taking over the kitchen and living room, which they won't if they get the extension/bedroom.
If I were to say this to the partner he would be pissed off at the order of things. However he has a large house and his children have their own beautiful rooms. So if there is the opportunity for mine to have the same, then he should understand.
My eldest has sat on the (concrete) floor in the extension over the last few days just to get away from the rest of us. He smiles when he goes in. If I partition their bedroom their is only room for one to be private at the far end. the first bedroom will be walked through every time the boy in the far bedroom gets up/needs the toilet/etc.

Also, what lesson does it teach your DDs if their brothers are treated like little princes while they share with you?

100% this. The women of the house are very much being treated as second class citizens whilst the boys are getting everything. Terrible example to set.

That doesn't matter OP. Their need for privacy and space does not exceed yours. In fact, yours is greater given that you WFH.

He's not a partner really, I just use that name to describe him. Rather someone I knew for a while then got together with. He is very intertwined with the ex wife and not something I am using to base any future on whatsoever.

Your girls should not have to share with you forever just so their brothers each have their own space.

Could both upstairs rooms be partitioned to give you 4 spaces to work with?

The girls are having to share with their sister AND their mother. I think the fairest is for you to have the extension, the boys to have whichever is the largest of the two bedrooms (& put in a partition), and the girls to have the smaller of the two bedrooms. Fairest all round.

What’s your loft space like? Maybe in the future you could extend in to that as well.

You should have the room but I liked the suggestion upthread of the partition and putting the girls next to the quiet boy. Obviously you haven’t mentioned actual room sizes.

My friend did manage to get maintenance form her ex who moved abroad but it did take years and she is a lawyer. Your ex has no conscience and I was very sorry to read that.

Also, what lesson does it teach your DDs if their brothers are treated like little princes while they share with you?

Come on there’s a huge difference between the needs of 3 & 7 year olds and 14 & 15 year olds.

Good parenting is about meeting the DCs needs as they arise. A 3 or 7 yr old has no need of a private space. Teens do. With a bit of luck OP you son will continue to be academic and set himself up for a good future, meaning by the time the girls are his age and need more space he’ll be living independently.

@Janejones12

He's not a partner really, I just use that name to describe him. Rather someone I knew for a while then got together with. He is very intertwined with the ex wife and not something I am using to base any future on whatsoever.

Your partner is incredibly opinionated for someone who is in a very different situation.

It sounds very much like all of the males in your life are quite domineering. That's not a good thing.

You’re really not doing anybody any favours if you demonstrate that manipulation and tantrums from the boys enable them to get what they demand, while the girls and women do as they’re told, shut up, and carry on working/cooking/ cleaning/ peacekeeping.

There is a way to give the boys their own rooms while allowing you to work from home. If you partition a room for them it can be soundproofed.

You have the extension to sleep and work in but don't have that be the reason new partner stays over, at least no straightaway, I imagine that creating all sorts of issues.

Partition the larger room for the boys and the girls share the other room.

Xbox and other tech always to be used with a headset. I'd prefer the were gaming downstairs than shut away in their rooms all day TBH

Well done OP on creating this home and space for your family

@PegasusReturns

Also, what lesson does it teach your DDs if their brothers are treated like little princes while they share with you?

Come on there’s a huge difference between the needs of 3 & 7 year olds and 14 & 15 year olds.

Good parenting is about meeting the DCs needs as they arise. A 3 or 7 yr old has no need of a private space. Teens do. With a bit of luck OP you son will continue to be academic and set himself up for a good future, meaning by the time the girls are his age and need more space he’ll be living independently.

To the extent that 3 people (the mum And two daughters) should all share so that a teen can have their own room? Seriously?

There is also a big difference between the needs of an adult who WFH to earn the money that pays for the house and a teenage boy.

If you partitioned both rooms upstairs you could give your eldest the far end private part and then your youngest (who presumably at 3 pretty much only sleeps in her room?) the other part. Then your noisy teen could have the more private half of the other split and your 7yo the second part?

Both teens would have to be told (and you'd have to mean it) that that could be the solution for a couple of years until your 7yo needs more privacy

My ex is useless. I should never have had 4 with him but I figured they are all useless (as my dad was) and I wanted children. It's partly my fault I'm in this situation. I would never have any more.
I can just see these boys lounging around in their rooms all day and it being so comfortable they never leave and still being here in 10 years in the extension etc. I know that sounds awful. I want them to be responsible adults who work and contribute. The
Neither go out, ever. The eldest isn't capable of making social friendships, the younger would rather converse online. They are always at home if not at a club or school. The girls play downstairs mostly

Your sister is being ridiculous - three in one room while the boys get one each, no way! Install limits on gaming/YouTube time and get your own room.

An adult need private space. That is non negotiable.

The boys can have their room partitioned.

Is it possible to split the large room that the girls share with you for the boys and the girls share their room? I think others have suggested this but I’m not sure if your answer is about the boys room or the larger room.

1. You get the extension. Hopefully there is space for both a bed and desk in there. You work in there during the day but allow eldest to go in there to study in the evening when you are in main living spaces.

1. Partition whatever is the largest room upstairs for the boys. Boy requiring quiet, suspected ASD gets the one that his brother doesn’t need to walk through to get to his.

1. Girls share other room.

Hopefully that means everyone gets a little of what they NEED as opposed to what they want and by the time your youngest need more space, one or both of the boys will have moved out.

Also an option is putting a cabin in the garden if you have space? The oldest could get a paper round to help you save for it and this could become his space?

@Valkadin

What’s your loft space like? Maybe in the future you could extend in to that as well.

You should have the room but I liked the suggestion upthread of the partition and putting the girls next to the quiet boy. Obviously you haven’t mentioned actual room sizes.

My friend did manage to get maintenance form her ex who moved abroad but it did take years and she is a lawyer. Your ex has no conscience and I was very sorry to read that.

The way this would work would mean a 15 year old walking through their bedroom every time he needed the toilet or went in or out the bedroom.

@Janejones12

My sister has no kids, is selfish in terms of her own needs-of course as a single person she can be-so doesn't understand my experience whatsoever. The rest of my house is being decorated beautifully and I will enjoy it more if the boys are not taking over the kitchen and living room, which they won't if they get the extension/bedroom. If I were to say this to the partner he would be pissed off at the order of things. However he has a large house and his children have their own beautiful rooms. So if there is the opportunity for mine to have the same, then he should understand. My eldest has sat on the (concrete) floor in the extension over the last few days just to get away from the rest of us. He smiles when he goes in. If I partition their bedroom their is only room for one to be private at the far end. the first bedroom will be walked through every time the boy in the far bedroom gets up/needs the toilet/etc.

So can the large bedroom be partitioned in a way that gives separate doors? I agree that walk-through bedrooms are likely to cause arguments.

Don't be manipulated or made to feel bad by your children. And don't think the boys don't know that you will do anything ie give them a room each for peace and harmony. Teens are experts at this game I made that mistake and me and DH were stuck in a downstairs room for years.

You have worked hard for this.

The extension is yours.

You should have the extension. I think it would be pretty unfair for your sons to get a room each while your daughters are sharing with you.

You should have your own space for your own sanity as the adult in the situation who dedicates all her time to looking after and providing for these kids, and in addition your daughters should at least have a room to share without you there before your sons start getting rooms each.

Don’t give the boys the extension!! You are important too. You need space too. You’re not just a husk to serve their needs. Partition the boys rooms so they have their own space and you get the extension.

Your sister is bonkers. Take the extention, partition the room, buy the child who likes quiet some noise cancelling headphones.

Good luck, you are doing amazingly well.