Don’t know if I’m BU. Caring for elderly FIL.

[untiednations]

FIL is infirm but lives independently with care visits. He’s 200 miles from us and the journey can take 6 hours sometimes due to traffic and conditions. There’s no one closer to him who’s willing/able to help.

DH wants to move FIL down to a flat on our estate so we can be closer and help him more while also maybe reducing the amount of care visits FIL receives because we will take over. The thing is, it’s not us, it’s me. DH works away Mon-Fri. I work full time and we have 3 kids in nursery. I don’t know exactly what we can offer to FIL if he moves. During the week I go straight from work to nursery, get the kids then home, bath, bed for them. Dinner and chores then bed for me. I don’t have time or energy or childcare to do anything for FIL in the evenings. At the weekends, if DH is doing FIL’s care we won’t be able to do day trips or anything. Not go away for a weekend or whatever.

Every time I try to engage with DH about this he says I’m being heartless, imagine if it was my own father, I’ve got a closed mindset, I’m selfish, accusing me of wanting to keep FIL at arm’s length. This is absolutely not what I’m feeling but I’m very worried about the impact this move might have on my life.

AIBU?

No you’re not being unreasonable at all. Does he have a plan of how he will care for his father whilst also working away?

Nope. Your husband is. Get him to write down what he's doing for his father, and what he undertakes to do for your father, as well as what he undertakes to do for his children and his wife, and what he's doing now.

You do the same.

There could be fireworks. It's very easy to be the sainted martyred child when you're actually volunteering up someone elses labour. I observed this with my mother and my father. (And then he volunteered up mine, as well. . .)

Some people don't want family members delivering personal care.

Sounds like your DH thinks your going to be caring for his father as I cant see how he is going to manage it. Not a chance i would be looking after my DH father...

YANBU.

YADNBU
Caring for anyone is a massive burden. I would be furious with your DH for trying to guilt you into this.

Does fil want to move and have you looking after him. Its a big step when you're older. If he does would he be happy in in a retirement flat where there is a warden and activities to join. He could have carers in plus you and dh can visit. Maybe dh could write up a mock rota for a month and write down exactly what help he is proposing.

It would be a bit reasonable if he moved nearby, but still with full care support and you guys could just visit. But taking on his care just isn't feasible at all. I understand why you're dh wants to do it.

YANBU at all.

You need to have a frank conversation with your husband about exactly what he expects of you.

Be caring, be open but DO NOT commit your time.

Could FIL move closer and still keep the same level of outside care he is currently receiving?

Tell him you'll discuss it once he's changed his job and will be around daily. Until then he's to be still because it's not worth talking about until he's taken that step.

Then when he brings it up, go back to that point.

Your life sounds hard enough.

YANBU

Would FIL be downsizing with property to sell? Could those released funds be used to pay for a cleaner for FIL and for you, and more constructive help for FIL, to free up some of your time?

To be honest, your DH is asking a great deal of you, and it’s unfair of him to be trying to emotionally blackmail you into complying.
Would DH change his working roles so that he could share FIL’s care with you?

YANBU.

Realistically, what does he think you'll be able to do for your FiL in between looking after 3 young children single handedly and working full time? It sounds very hectic as it is, I know when my husband is away and I'm looking after my two and working there is literally (and I'm not misusing that word in this context) no time in the day for anything else. One they're in bed and I've tidied up toys and cleared up dinner stuff and got their clothes etc ready for the next day and done any other life admin, its dinner time. What is he proposing you do? If its dinner once a week and a visit by him once a week then maybe.

I think callig you selfish is horrible to be honest. You're already doing his entire share of parenting and house chores etc in the week on top of working, and caring for someone who isnt an immediate family member is a big ask. Caring for an immediate family member that you love is a big ask!

If he is so selfless, what's he planning to do to make things work? What's he going to sacrifice? Will he find another job that means he can work from home or closer to home? Will he take a leave of absence from his job, be a house husband and carer for a year?

I'd say to him before he calls you selfish he has to take a weeks annual leave and live your life for a week. Do all the kids stuff, all the house stuff, and be out the house working (or whatever project he can find to do) the same hours as you're out, while you go on a work course or stay with friends or something. See how much free time he thinks he has

Tell him you’re happy to do it and assume he’s going to look after your elderly parent/aunt, when they need it. After all, it would be selfish of him not to.

He’s a misogynistic dickhead that assumes care is a woman’s job. What happens if you want to work longer hours, when the kids get older?

Surely it would make more sense for FIL to move near to DH’s weekday workplace? His evenings are his own, he can spend them all with FIL whilst you deal with three pre-schoolers single handedly at home.

Surely this means a change of job for your Dh as he will need to be available to look after his Dad.

YANBU, he is being a dick. Ask him about his job change as your plate is full already.

@OhhhPeee

Surely it would make more sense for FIL to move near to DH’s weekday workplace? His evenings are his own, he can spend them all with FIL whilst you deal with three pre-schoolers single handedly at home.

Brilliant! He can nip in to check on him every lunch time and give him his dinner, after work.

YANBU. Show him what you’ve just written

Where does he work mon-fri? Might it make more sense to move his father there so he is close 5 days a week rather than 2 days a week? All you can say is that you can't commit to any more care responsibilities but if your dh wants to do that it is his choice. At least it will save the 12hr trips to see him on weekends.

You are not being unreasonable, he is not your responsibility.
If you want to help that’s fine, but you do not have to.
And it’s not just the impact on your life, it’s the impact on your children’s lives too.

Imo you need to find a flat..
For dh - near fil so he can be his carer.
You have 3 x dc to care for.

Yadnbu

It's flipping hard work looking after elderly relatives

I would bet very sharply telling him it’s easy for him to call you selfish when his life won’t change because he’s offering up your services.

Tell him that and then say you obviously expect him to offer to your father what he wants for his father if the time comes.

Your husband is being selfish not you. Ask him how he plans to care for HIS Father when he works away Monday to Friday.
You have enough to do without taking on more. It's not practical either, you work full time and have 3 children.
If your husband is insistant , is it possible for him to work nearer home, then he could do some of the care.
Please stand your ground and dont let your husband persuade you to do anything you dont want too and that will make your life harder.