Don’t know if I’m BU. Caring for elderly FIL.

[untiednations]

FIL is infirm but lives independently with care visits. He’s 200 miles from us and the journey can take 6 hours sometimes due to traffic and conditions. There’s no one closer to him who’s willing/able to help.

DH wants to move FIL down to a flat on our estate so we can be closer and help him more while also maybe reducing the amount of care visits FIL receives because we will take over. The thing is, it’s not us, it’s me. DH works away Mon-Fri. I work full time and we have 3 kids in nursery. I don’t know exactly what we can offer to FIL if he moves. During the week I go straight from work to nursery, get the kids then home, bath, bed for them. Dinner and chores then bed for me. I don’t have time or energy or childcare to do anything for FIL in the evenings. At the weekends, if DH is doing FIL’s care we won’t be able to do day trips or anything. Not go away for a weekend or whatever.

Every time I try to engage with DH about this he says I’m being heartless, imagine if it was my own father, I’ve got a closed mindset, I’m selfish, accusing me of wanting to keep FIL at arm’s length. This is absolutely not what I’m feeling but I’m very worried about the impact this move might have on my life.

AIBU?

I'd be worried the care home brochure is a bait and switch and he's still planning on cheap flat and you going round every lunch. Are you prepared to leave him if he tries to force this on you with an 'oh no the place feel through but I've managed to rent this if you can just...'?

I'm so sorry you're being faced with this

Maybe leave a business card for a good divorce lawyer lying around, OP? A pamphlet on relationship property division?

You need to ask your DH what care FIL is currently receiving (shopping, social, assistance) and what his care plan is? Both short and long term? Will he come home during the week to pop by? Will he be organising home visits and overseeing them? What will he do to ensure that fil makes new friendships and does not become isolated. Does fil even want this?

Just read your updates. I would be furious. He thinks that he has it hard working away and having to eat out in restaurants, before watching TV and climbing into bed for a full night's sleep. You have no more to give. He can arrange the care for during the week and then take the kids round to visit on a weekend whilst you get some time to yourself? If he continues with this nonsense, ask him how he proposes to working away from home, balancing it with childcare, looking after his dad and with maintenance payments because the reality is that you will be leaving!

Honestly op, I think your dh needs to realise that this is a deal breaker for you. I would tell your husband that your happy to support him change jobs so that he can work near your fil so he can pop in each lunch time even meaning a drop in the household income.I know you said financially it would be tough but I guarantee you that it won't come to that as he will say no .

What a prat

Wow. The way people think of women’s time. Imagine leaving in your lunch hour (I’m sure you don’t even have a proper lunch break) and then running back to work.

I second the idea of leaving divorce lawyer’s card and property division info next to care home info.

He is unkind to his DF. If he gives the impression that you are happy to do all this, then FIL moves down and you clearly are not, it's going to be hard for FIL, who might not have moved had he realised the true situation. DH is manipulating FIL to do what he wants him to do by bit telling him the truth. Perhaps you could gently explain to FIL that DH has lovely ideas but what with work and the nursery runs, and sorting the kids out whole DH is AWAY ALL THE FUCKING TIME ( been there, done that, remember how shit it was and how exhausting) you won't be able to come over in the week, but that DH will be able to come over at the weekends.
Then the poor man has all the correct information on which to base his very big decision on.

There's generally not much point explaining that sort of thing to people that age (of course there are exceptions). OP's actual husband doesn't seem to get what working within 8-6 nursery hours and parenting solo during the week involves, so an elderly gentleman who probably did no hands on care himself, is certainly not going to.

I remember a row with my (normally very reasonable) DH when he blithely extended a 2 night Fri/Sat visit from his parents (which was already a bit of a stretch when we were attending a Saturday lunch event) onto Monday morning without consulting me and I freaked out because we didn't have the extra food in, we needed to leave for work/school at 7am on the Monday and potentially the cleaners would have arrived to find them and their stuff all over the house.

People who haven't done it don't realise what's involved and how finely balanced the whole thing is.

If FIL is compos mentis, I think it might be worth explaining to him yourself that actually you will not be there every day or indeed any weekday. I agree with the pp that he won't necessarily get why, but that doesn't prevent you correcting a lie your DH has told, in order to ensure he has full information before making a choice. He doesn't need to understand why you aren't able to pop in every day to be aware that it isn't going to happen.

It just seems to me this is going to come across as the OP being selfish, when actually she's the only sensible person in the situation .

I would be interested to know more about these other relatives who've washed their hands of the problem.

My DSis ended up in this position as DBIL's (two! local!) siblings completely didn't bother. DBIL did the actual work though, while DSis assisted/organised/did the kids.

Yes, it will no doubt come across as the OP being selfish, but that's surely inevitable by now? She has had her labour volunteered already and at least one of the males in this scenario feels entitled to it. The second one may well begin to do so if he makes life choices based on it being promised. That means the only options here are to either provide the labour, which she clearly can't, or not provide it and be thought of as selfish by anyone who thinks she should. I'm not saying that isn't unfair, but it's the reality.

Yes, when other people are so selfish you have to protect yourself (and the kids).

Besides as lots of people have said, removing a vulnerable elderly person from their familiar surroundings needs more forethought.

My fil had dementia, it was a gradual decline and he was at home with mil and carers coming in. A few things happened, falls, wandering off, mum getting ill etc and we had to arrange one of us looking after him at home for a week. My dh and his brother did it but it was really hard and not sustainable.
After MANY hospital stays, for both of them, mum eventually realized he'd be better off in a home. However a lot of our time in the meantime was driving one or other about to enable visiting, and arranging care visits. The whole family (apart from one brother) rallied round and we all did our bit. BUT it was bloody wearing, nearly broke me as I and my daughter in law worked the least so we did a lot of the grunt work (no personal care). And this was done willingly! It's very hard trying to fit in extra stuff when you have a full time life, I did the school run twice a week, had grandchildren to look after in the school holidays etc. I'm not saying this to prove how busy I was, or that anyone else's life is less busy than mine but we all have stuff to do and a limited time to do it in.
When dad went into a home, again we all rallied round with transport, visits etc but it's one more thing to think about and add on to your life.
I loved my fil (he died last year) and my mil is lovely, never expects us to do stuff but we do because we love her. You are not unreasonable at all to not do this, you've got enough going on. We were lucky as there was a lot of us to share the work load with, in your situation I wouldn't entertain it.

This has actually made my blood boil. Stand your ground, OP.

I would have a solictor send him a letter initiating divorce proceedings and let him decide from there. That would be a big game of bluff though, so you would need to be ready to go through with it in the worst case scenario (which IMO would be less damaging to you, mentally and financially, in the long term than becoming further chained to the home by becoming an elder carer for 10 to 20 years.

I do wonder if your husband dislikes the idea of you becoming more financially independent (i.e. able to work more hours) as your children grow older? After all, this would put paid to that, wouldn't it? It would also preserve your H's inheritance, in which there is no guarantee you would share - should H leave you near the end of FIL's life, you having completed the caring work.

Under no circumstances should you allow this to happen.

@untiednations

Well I overheard DH telling FIL that moving here would be a great idea “because Untied will pop in each day and the kids will be visiting all the time then I’ll come over at the weekend” and I totally lost it in an extremely undignified way. I think we’re at stalemate now but did see his emails over his shoulder and he’s got a brochure coming from a local care home.

This would have me ordering brochures from local este agents with details of two bed flats for him and FIL to live in together.

Great solution. Look at two bedroomed properties for DH and FIL

Is your DH out of his mind?! How on earth would you be "popping in each day and have the kids visiting all the time", when you're working FT and the kids are at nursery? Has he suddenly discovered the superpower of duplicating humans? Because if he has, please can he duplicate me (then I can have one of me working FT, and one of me at home with my two kids - rather than just the one of me juggling FT work and childcare)?

If you get roped into doing the running about Mon-Fri, lunchtime visits, and/or evening visits with the kids, you'll wear yourself into the ground. You're not being unreasonable, selfish, heartless etc. I'm a nurse, honestly I know what I'm talking about: you have to look after yourself and your family first. Sure, move FIL closer, but to an assisted living facility with the appropriate number of care calls each day.

Please don't let your DH guilt trip you into this x

I would have a solictor send him a letter initiating divorce proceedings and let him decide from there.
It won't hurt, either way, to get your ducks in a row anyway, in case this scenario deteriorated further. You may decide not to act, but better to know your financial and legal position in case you need to jump. 🌹

that's really shit, OP.

guess you have 2 options - let them get on with the move and put your foot down and don't visit or split up.

If FIL is compos mentis, I think it might be worth explaining to him yourself that actually you will not be there every day or indeed any weekday. I agree with the pp that he won't necessarily get why, but that doesn't prevent you correcting a lie your DH has told, in order to ensure he has full information before making a choice. He doesn't need to understand why you aren't able to pop in every day to be aware that it isn't going to happen

I would do that even if FIL isn't 100% with it all the time. He may well be able to take in enough info to grasp that he will still be without family attendance for most of the time, and that's what you need him to understand.

Your DH is presenting this to him as swapping the home and friends he has had for decades for time with his family. Sounds good, except it's an outright lie.

And yes, I would be worried about a long term plan of you running down your career while he preserves his inheritance. If you DID split further down the line (and FIL was still alive) you would have severely damaged your job prospects, but still only be able to divide the assets that you and your husband actually owned at that time. Any prospective inheritance would be DH's alone.

Your husband is a CF and no mistake

@Happynow001

I would have a solictor send him a letter initiating divorce proceedings and let him decide from there. It won't hurt, either way, to get your ducks in a row anyway, in case this scenario deteriorated further. You may decide not to act, but better to know your financial and legal position in case you need to jump. 🌹

Yes, seeing a solicitor doesn't commit you to divorcing but does make sure you have all the information you need for your decision making.