Don’t know if I’m BU. Caring for elderly FIL.

[untiednations]

FIL is infirm but lives independently with care visits. He’s 200 miles from us and the journey can take 6 hours sometimes due to traffic and conditions. There’s no one closer to him who’s willing/able to help.

DH wants to move FIL down to a flat on our estate so we can be closer and help him more while also maybe reducing the amount of care visits FIL receives because we will take over. The thing is, it’s not us, it’s me. DH works away Mon-Fri. I work full time and we have 3 kids in nursery. I don’t know exactly what we can offer to FIL if he moves. During the week I go straight from work to nursery, get the kids then home, bath, bed for them. Dinner and chores then bed for me. I don’t have time or energy or childcare to do anything for FIL in the evenings. At the weekends, if DH is doing FIL’s care we won’t be able to do day trips or anything. Not go away for a weekend or whatever.

Every time I try to engage with DH about this he says I’m being heartless, imagine if it was my own father, I’ve got a closed mindset, I’m selfish, accusing me of wanting to keep FIL at arm’s length. This is absolutely not what I’m feeling but I’m very worried about the impact this move might have on my life.

AIBU?

Definitely get an appointment with a solicitor to work out your position.

Maybe also have a mediated conversation with your H to make your position crystal clear.

I can not actually believe what l read!! Even after you saying no, he STILL has told his Dad you will care for him.

He has not respect or consideration for you at all

Christ I don't know where to begin with this guy. I bet he'd cry and shit himself simultaneously if he had to walk a day in your shoes. I agree with PPs about getting legal advice, be prepared cos he doesn't have your back. Good luck OP I'd have lost my shit big time with him by now

I would have chucked my DH if i had overheard him relaying what he thought I would be doing in relation to caring for his father. Your DH has ignored your previous discussions and gone ahead and put you forward as his daily support. Your DH is a major problem here... I am gob smacked that he thinks you are responsible for his father...I wouldnt expect my DH to do anything in relation to my mum... he doesnt appreciate all you do for the family and /or your work

It might get through to your dh better if what you shout at him is ‘you are deliberately SCREWING YOUR OWN FATHER OVER. moving him here promising the moon on a stick when I’ve told you what I am willing to do, which is nothing at all extra while you are out of town. He will move and be lonely and separated from his friends, I will tell him you lied and he will probably be dead before you can change jobs to spend more time with him. Not to mention at this rate you will be divorced too. I hope your job makes you happy when you make your own dad die lonely.

Untied - the care home brochures may mean that at least he’s seeing a bit of sense, at last.

Do you want to rebuild this marriage? If your DH has realised that he was wrong then there may be a way back ...?

Sending strength.

How's things?

Any update?