Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t know if I’m BU. Caring for elderly FIL.

358 replies

untiednations · 22/08/2020 20:23

FIL is infirm but lives independently with care visits. He’s 200 miles from us and the journey can take 6 hours sometimes due to traffic and conditions. There’s no one closer to him who’s willing/able to help.

DH wants to move FIL down to a flat on our estate so we can be closer and help him more while also maybe reducing the amount of care visits FIL receives because we will take over. The thing is, it’s not us, it’s me. DH works away Mon-Fri. I work full time and we have 3 kids in nursery. I don’t know exactly what we can offer to FIL if he moves. During the week I go straight from work to nursery, get the kids then home, bath, bed for them. Dinner and chores then bed for me. I don’t have time or energy or childcare to do anything for FIL in the evenings. At the weekends, if DH is doing FIL’s care we won’t be able to do day trips or anything. Not go away for a weekend or whatever.

Every time I try to engage with DH about this he says I’m being heartless, imagine if it was my own father, I’ve got a closed mindset, I’m selfish, accusing me of wanting to keep FIL at arm’s length. This is absolutely not what I’m feeling but I’m very worried about the impact this move might have on my life.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Akire · 22/08/2020 20:50

Wow. Even when the children are in school I assume you need wrap around Care so you still will be picking them up at 6pm then sorting everything at home and as they get older, clubs and hobbies. Maybe when they are all in secondary’s school you may have some childfree hours where they are home alone in what 10 years?

Sounds like he needs to be using chunks of his annual leave to go up on a regular basis and sort things out. Including emergency’s like boiler break down etc But this would mean you and the children see him even less.

I like idea of him moving closer to DH weekly resident and then he can spend quality time. He sounds like he has no idea of realities of family life at all.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2020 20:53

Your husband is shockingly selfish. If he wants his father to live nearby, then he needs to get a different job where he can be at home everyday, and then he can care for his dad.

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 22/08/2020 21:03

OP, YADNBU. Some good advice upthread. Still not sure? Have a read on the Elderly Parents section of MN.
Care of an elderly person is not something to enter into lightly.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 22/08/2020 21:06

No darling that doesn;t work for me...end of discussion..keep repeating..refuse to engage if necessary.

Bargebill19 · 22/08/2020 21:10

Send you DH to spend a week with his father. A whole week to see exactly what care his dad needs and currently receives. I suspect that it will be a real eye opener for him. Tell your dh that idle his father moves, that is exactly what he will need to do, day in and day out. Not you.

DelphiniumBlue · 22/08/2020 21:11

It's not a question of choice, there's no elastic time in your day. If you work full-time, then pick up DC and get them fed and ready for bed, then in bed, and clearing up and rep for next day,I bet you don't even get to sit down till 9 ish.
Exactly when does he think you'd have even 10 mins to visit FIL?

Onlyonewayout · 22/08/2020 21:16

Well what a selfish git he is. You’ve already got enough on your plate and he’s suggesting adding his father to the mix?! No!

pinguwings · 22/08/2020 21:20

Your husband is just trying to deflect his guilt.

Does your FIL even want to move?

FippertyGibbett · 22/08/2020 21:21

Also bear in mind that they become more dependent as time passes, not less.
The need to visit increases , then he’ll start phoning and you’ll get calls off the carers too.
Don’t go there.

WhereamI88 · 22/08/2020 21:26

If he actually cared so much about his father, DH would also be changing jobs so he can do the caring. But by doing it this way he gets to ease his guilt and not lift a finger. I would honestly divorce DP if he did that to me.

PaternosterLoft · 22/08/2020 21:38

Also bear in mind that they become more dependent as time passes, not less.

And with hindsight, nursery is the easiest childcare to manage. They are in one place 8-6 - the same place for all of them, the same drop off, same admin - once you get into a mixture of nursery and breakfast club and school and afterschool club it all gets far more complicated.

RoadworksAgain · 22/08/2020 21:45

It would be far more practical for your FIL to move in with your DH wherever he is Monday-Friday.

Then your DH can see to him, get him out of bed and give him breakfast before he goes to work, nip home on his lunch break, and take care of him and keep him company of an evening.

That, or your DH finding another job that will allow him to do all of the above while being based at home all week, is the only discussion I'd be willing to partake in.

ZenZebra · 22/08/2020 21:48

Every time I try to engage with DH about this he says I’m being heartless, imagine if it was my own father,

Imagine if it was. Would DH be rushing to be a carer for his FIL?

I'm guessing not.

Pixxie7 · 22/08/2020 21:49

Not everyone is cut out to be a carer. You need to make it clear that whilst you will do what you can, your not prepared or able to take on full time care.

nc600 · 22/08/2020 21:55

"You need to make it clear that whilst you will do what you can, your not prepared or able to take on full time care."

No. She's not prepared to take on part time care or any care.

Why is he trying to save the money that his father currently pays for carers and pimping you out for the job instead? No thanks.

I agree, if FIL wants to move then it makes sense he moves close to his sons workplace.

LannieDuck · 22/08/2020 21:55

Ask him how he's planning to take on his half of the childcare and housework and elderly parent care during the week as well as a FT job? He obviously doesn't think its too much, because he's expecting you to do all the childcare and all the housework and all his father's care Mon -Fri (as well as a FT job).

"But I work away", I hear him cry.
"Yes, you'll obviously have to change jobs", I hear you reply.
"But... I don't want to"
"Isn't that really selfish? Expecting your wife to take on these three separate massive chores when it could all be shared if you moved jobs?"

Heartless, closed minded and selfish certainly do come to mind. But I'm not talking about you, OP.

LannieDuck · 22/08/2020 21:56

He could always move FIL closer, do the weekend care himself and keep carers during the week.

PercyKirke · 22/08/2020 21:58

Has FIL been actually been asked? We suggested this to my DF and he refused point blank to move out of London to what he referred to as "the middle of nowhere".

2bazookas · 22/08/2020 22:03

I do think life would be a lot easier if DH was looking after his father nearby.

If FIL lived locally then DH could easily arrange whatever care/support FIL needs (a cleaner,/home help, online-order supermarket delivery, laundry?) and pop in to see his father sometimes at weekends, far easier than that long trip.

     If that devoted son wishes to take on that responsibility  you should give him every encouragement...while pointing out that  your own daily timetable  won't allow you to take any active role.
titchy · 22/08/2020 22:07

Moving him to wherever your dh works Monday to Friday does seem to be the sensible option. What does your dh say when you suggest it?

ohfourfoxache · 22/08/2020 22:11

So you’re expected to pick up FILs care....so what does your DH pick up in addition to (the minimal amount) he currently does?

Original poster
untiednations · 22/08/2020 22:13

Thank you all.

At the moment, DH literally cannot have a normal conversation about this.

OP posts:
Newkitchen123 · 22/08/2020 22:16

Make a list of what needs doing re hours care. Put absolutely everything on it. Ask husband to put in the next column who is going to do each task on the list and when

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 22/08/2020 22:16

@ZenZebra

Every time I try to engage with DH about this he says I’m being heartless, imagine if it was my own father,

Imagine if it was. Would DH be rushing to be a carer for his FIL?

I'm guessing not.

This, say it right back to him. 'NO. I am already a carer for our 3 children. I do all the parenting for them whilst you work away and I work FT as well. I cannot and will not do any more caring. You will not guilt trip me into this, either, because it's 100% disrespectful of you to stick this on me when I have enough on my plate.'

The end. Do NOT be persuaded.

I'd consider this a dealbreaker, tbh. He's a sexist twat to even entertain this. But I suspect you already know this having one of these work-away types who's managed to skive out of the donkey work in life and kids. Fuck that.

Sexnotgender · 22/08/2020 22:17

@untiednations

Thank you all.

At the moment, DH literally cannot have a normal conversation about this.

Of course he can’t, because like a horrible person you’ll point out the fact he’s going to do fuck all and you’re going to get landed with it. How dare you.
Swipe left for the next trending thread