Don’t know if I’m BU. Caring for elderly FIL.

[untiednations]

FIL is infirm but lives independently with care visits. He’s 200 miles from us and the journey can take 6 hours sometimes due to traffic and conditions. There’s no one closer to him who’s willing/able to help.

DH wants to move FIL down to a flat on our estate so we can be closer and help him more while also maybe reducing the amount of care visits FIL receives because we will take over. The thing is, it’s not us, it’s me. DH works away Mon-Fri. I work full time and we have 3 kids in nursery. I don’t know exactly what we can offer to FIL if he moves. During the week I go straight from work to nursery, get the kids then home, bath, bed for them. Dinner and chores then bed for me. I don’t have time or energy or childcare to do anything for FIL in the evenings. At the weekends, if DH is doing FIL’s care we won’t be able to do day trips or anything. Not go away for a weekend or whatever.

Every time I try to engage with DH about this he says I’m being heartless, imagine if it was my own father, I’ve got a closed mindset, I’m selfish, accusing me of wanting to keep FIL at arm’s length. This is absolutely not what I’m feeling but I’m very worried about the impact this move might have on my life.

AIBU?

His care! Not hours care

@untiednations

Thank you all.

At the moment, DH literally cannot have a normal conversation about this.

In which case, don’t have a normal conversation about it with him either.

If he brings it up, just say “no” and change the subject.

FIL is very easily led so it’s hard to know what he actually wants. He does see that his current situation can’t continue.

It’s not a money issue. FIL owns 2 properties and has a healthy pension.

Neither DH nor I can change jobs at the moment. DH maybe in 3-5 years, me prob never.

Unfortunately, though I LOVE the suggestion of DH & FIL being Mon-Fri roomies, DH doesn’t work in the same place each week so it’s not viable.

@untiednations

Thank you all.

At the moment, DH literally cannot have a normal conversation about this.

Then you need to just stick to one thing and be firm. 'NO. You can enough of a free pass out of the donkey work in life. I work FT, too. I cannot and will not take on more caring work.'

He pushes again and it's honestly time to say, 'It appears we need to consider splitting up. If you're not able to appreciate how the work I do enables you in your job and show so little respect for me then it seems we need to work out how to go our separate ways.'

Because if you let him bamboozle you into this, I can guarantee it will be the end of at least your marriage.

NFW. Just none. He's a massive sexist twat.

I think being closer to your elderly parent is a good idea HOWEVER the care calls need to remain. Why is he so against carers being involved?

If he wants to be his father main carer and reduce his hours at work, fine but make it clear that you are not being involved in his father care.

@OhhhPeee

Surely it would make more sense for FIL to move near to DH’s weekday workplace? His evenings are his own, he can spend them all with FIL whilst you deal with three pre-schoolers single handedly at home.

What an excellent idea.

@ZenZebra

Every time I try to engage with DH about this he says I’m being heartless, imagine if it was my own father,

Imagine if it was. Would DH be rushing to be a carer for his FIL?

I'm guessing not.

This. In fucking spades

He can have a normal conversation, he's just choosing not to.

Nice of DH to flush your time away like that. If it were a care home in your neighbourhood.... fine. If he wants to organise and pay for round the clock carers who are not you - fine. But no... this smacks of saving money and fucking up your back and your social life. Say no way now.

There are not enough hours in the day for you to do this too. He has no right to nominate you as carer and expect you to magically sort it out just because you are the person with a vagina, and hence responsible for all caring.

Fil needs to go into a sheltered flat/assisted living or some kind of accommodation nearer you where he will be safe, and you and your husband can see him at the weekends. He clearly has the money to do this.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/housing-options/sheltered-housing/

YANBU. No, no, and no. That is all I can currently articulate. Just NO

If money isn't an issue, DH could ring an agency like Consultus and hire a live-in carer. That might assuage his guilt somewhat. However, if he can't have a sensible conversation, I think you need someone to mediate because what he's proposing is simply disastrous. Could you book a few sessions at Relate? Tell him you are not discussing the matter further until that happens.

YANBU. Your OH is reacting emotionally not practically, and certainly not fairly. I wonder if he is worried about carers coming in due to covid risk?

Moving an elderly person is hard work. Has your OH really thought about that part? It will involve selling his property and buying a new one, I assume - is FIL up to that? Would your OH be able to act under a Power of Attorney on his behalf? It will be a lot of work sorting out the move, I reckon it could be 6 months to make that part happen.

I think perhaps you should sit down with OH and let him talk you through how he sees it working, in detail. So, if you get rid of a lot of the in-home help, what does he think would be the arrangements Mon-Fri, and at weekends? What would happen when you wanted a family holiday? He might see the problems if he tries to figure out how it fits around his work, your work, the kids, his own household to manage.

If FIL is well off, maybe a compromise would be to sell his properties and get him into a sheltered accommodation where there is a good standard of care.

You need OH to reach the conclusion himself otherwise you will always be the villain and he will resent you for it.

I’m sorry but your DH is being very unreasonable. He needs to sort out care for his father. He needs a job where he’s not working away Monday to Friday for this to work. It’s not up to you to do.

DH take a career break and FIL pays him to do his caring...?

My mum ended up in a similar position to this and was pretty much her fil’s ft carer by the time she had enough. The only this his ds did was shower him. It nearly broke their marriage because he didn’t see the stress it out my mum under.

Would a community alarm scheme be something you could look into for your fil? If there are no contacts nearby then there’s a responder service who can attend and the alarm call centre can additionally let you guys know if there’s an emergency requiring an ambulance etc.

With community alarms there’s property exit sensors that detect if a door has been opened, fall detectors, bed and chair sensors that monitor if the user has been up for more than a set period of time in the night and more. I know of some people who pair the scheme with cameras so they can remotely check on their family member if required before arranging assistance.

You physically cannot fit caring for him into your schedule. Email your dh your OP: does he think you have a shed load of free time?!

Well if you already do 6 hour round trips surely you'd at least cut those out if he moved closer? You say you don't have any time but you do those...?

I wouldn't mention this until your DH brings the topic up again. When he does, calmly say he can move his father to be closer to your family home, however, you don’t have the capacity to be doing any caring for him so DH had better sort out the carers for FIL as well.

If he accuses you of being selfish ask him if he would drop everything for your parents and care for them himself. I would also remind him his father is not your responsibility and you won’t be stepping in as DH can’t. After this conversation I would grey rock him every time. Lay out your position - you won’t be taking on additional care work/burden because you do not have the capacity or responsibility to do so.

You DH sounds incredibly selfish and presumptuous. He clearly sees you as someone to do his bidding and that’s that. You are totally taken for granted. I think this would make me want to leave him.

He is choosing not to have a conversation.

DH had been making noises about moving his DF near to us. We live rurally and both work FT. Also DH can't drive, and I drop him at work each day. I have made it very clear that it will not be happening, as ALL the caring will be down to me, as DH won't even be able to see FIL unless I take him! I love FIL, but if we did this, everything he needed, all visits out etc would be down to me.

I did a lot for my own parents, and I'm not doing it again. DH has 4 siblings, and there are other options. We will play our part, but I'm not taking it all on. Luckily, DH understands.

YANBU. Looking after an elderly relative is hard work and often fairly unpleasant. Caring is skilled work.
You do not have the time to take on anymore work. End of conversation. You're being sensible and practical.
Maybe it would be nice to have him live nearer so you could see him more, but keep the carers coming in.
I helped my DH look after him Mum for a few weeks while we were sorting residential care. It was such hard work (plus job and childcare) and I only was able to do it knowing it was temporary. Plus we had carers coming in during the week to get her washed and dressed and DH was working at home. Still exhausting and draining after only a couple of weeks.

He is being massively unreasonable. If hes not the one who will be stuck doing the care, then of curse its not up to him to decide it will be done..how ridiculous. The 'if it was your dad' stuff is manipulative too.

Stick to your guns here. Mind from what you have said, it doesn't sound much like you could change things enough to make this possible anyway, even if you wanted to.

Just sounds like a bunch more work and stress for you, for no reason tbh.

It's hard work looking after elderly reletives, I have had some really bad days in the past twelve months, it's had a huge impact on my mental health. I can understand your husband wants to look after his dad but it's not your responsibility. He needs to ensure that there is adequate care at home in your area. There is not any in some rural communities.

Another here to say the strain of this on top of your current responsibilities is unfair and will quickly become unsustainable.

I say this as someone who was the main carer for my MIL for 18 months in our own home as she could no longer look after herself, was in the early stages of dementia and considered to have capacity to refuse any social care - she was on the IOW, we were on the mainland and it was the only way we could keep her safe, properly fed and clean. We only lasted 18 months because her deterioration was suddenly rapid and we could no longer cope. She's now in residential care. I gave up my full time job (my kids are adults) and we are still recovering from the financial and emotional impact two years down the line.

It feels noble and manageable and who doesn't want to be a caring person - the reality is actually mostly grim with a few bright spots but the grind down is excruciating and distressing for all concerned. And yes, there will be massive resentment if DH doesn't step up and it all falls to you - as others have said, just because you have ovaries doesn't mark you out as the automatic default.

I know it's not entirely the same situation, but you have said "infirm" and "easily led" - trust me when I say dementia can be a slow creep and difficult to identify in the early stages.

If money is no barrier, and he can cope with the move, fair enough. But insist that he gets the same level of care he already has professionally, and make it clear any visits will be purely social, obviously picking up something on the way is natural, but for the love of God don't get sucked in as the default for everything. It's not just the practical side - there's all the medical admin etc as well - it's never bloody ending.

Call me heartless and probably over-dramatic, but if I had truly grasped what caring for a sweet old lady entailed, and the heartbreak of seeing her decline, I would have encouraged a different solution.

Your DH has really got to understand the potential long term ramifications for you primarily, but also your children.

I wish you all the best OP, I really do