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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t know if I’m BU. Caring for elderly FIL.

358 replies

untiednations · 22/08/2020 20:23

FIL is infirm but lives independently with care visits. He’s 200 miles from us and the journey can take 6 hours sometimes due to traffic and conditions. There’s no one closer to him who’s willing/able to help.

DH wants to move FIL down to a flat on our estate so we can be closer and help him more while also maybe reducing the amount of care visits FIL receives because we will take over. The thing is, it’s not us, it’s me. DH works away Mon-Fri. I work full time and we have 3 kids in nursery. I don’t know exactly what we can offer to FIL if he moves. During the week I go straight from work to nursery, get the kids then home, bath, bed for them. Dinner and chores then bed for me. I don’t have time or energy or childcare to do anything for FIL in the evenings. At the weekends, if DH is doing FIL’s care we won’t be able to do day trips or anything. Not go away for a weekend or whatever.

Every time I try to engage with DH about this he says I’m being heartless, imagine if it was my own father, I’ve got a closed mindset, I’m selfish, accusing me of wanting to keep FIL at arm’s length. This is absolutely not what I’m feeling but I’m very worried about the impact this move might have on my life.

AIBU?

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 23/08/2020 08:08

What does his father think of the idea? I assume he has friends where he lives - how is an elderly and infirm person going to make new friends if he is moved?? And if he's lonely, that's going to put more pressure on you and your dh to be involved with him day to day.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 23/08/2020 08:10

In fact - I have a better idea...

Next time your DH has a weeks leave. Go away. (Make sure this is a school week) . Make sure he has a 'full time job' at the same time ... pick something easy with limited commute like decorating a couple of rooms from top to bottom (or some similar 'job' that he has the skills to do - that still requires a degree of commitment and concentration, in the same way you have to work)

Then bog off for a week . Friends family , maybe fit in a visit to FIL if you feel so inclined.

When you get back, ask DH EXACTLY where he supposed you are going to fit in caring for FIL.

Honestly 'working away' - regardless of the necessity to the job, is the biggest skive going if you are a parent. Not only do you get to concentrate solely on work, but you get your children looked after full time without any form of input or stress.

It makes many men 'forget' just how much work they are dumping on the 'at home' spouse. .. and no, - money is not the compensation unless it's used to pay for a substitute husband. (Who can cook half the meals, take on half the school runs/driving kids around to afternoon /evening activities , do half the laundry and pitch in full time if you are ill. )

It sounds very much as though this is where your husband is at.
He needs to live 'your life' for a week and then discuss his plan again.!

TW2013 · 23/08/2020 08:10

Yes, how often does dh do all the caring responsibilities, ideally whilst also working? It is a revelation to dh how little time there is between school drop off and pick up. Helps explain why I can't fit it all into a school day and I have to work evenings too. He probably has absolutely no idea. I suggest going away with friends for at least a weekend and see how he copes. Maybe send him up to stay with FIL and the three dc, suggest he takes some work with him. Even if he does cope there is no way that you should be expected to add to your working day. Get him to think about what will happen if he needs hospital appointments. What happens now? Yes you could possibly drop a pint of milk in if he runs out but how would you even begin to offer proper professional level care with three dc under 5?

TW2013 · 23/08/2020 08:16

decorating a couple of rooms from top to bottom

Perfect, he could get FIL's place ready to sell.

GabriellaMontez · 23/08/2020 08:31

Does your dh have other issues you literally cabt discuss?

H

Scout2016 · 23/08/2020 08:33

He's taking the piss working away Mon-Fri already. When does he look after the kids and when do you get a break?
Even if somehow you could magically find time to visit your FIL during the week, what are you meant to do with your kids? Take them with you? Get a babysitter? I'm guessing they're in bed for 7.30pmish, you can't leave them home alone, it's not fair to drag them round FIL's after nursery daily and what could you get done with 3 small children there anyway?
Or are you meant to take time out from your working day to visit while they are in nursery? If not what merit is there in a flying visit between nursery and work with one eye on the clock?
Does your FIL want you or his son doing his personal care? Does he want to be dependent on you?

Billben · 23/08/2020 08:38

I work as a carer, but there is no way even I’d go along with this plan if I was in your situation. I wouldn’t even do it if I was working part time with fewer kids, let alone 3 nursery aged ones and working FT. What an absolute cheek from your DH. He knows very well that you’d be doing the lions’ share of the looking after.

dismaldebbie · 23/08/2020 08:53

Perfectly reasonable and understandable that your DH wants to move his father closer. I see no issue with that.

Well apparently not according to those on this thread.

maddening · 23/08/2020 08:57

No fucking way,. Fil. Closer with full care. Etc so your dh can visit on weekends,.fil.csn be brought over for visits on weekeds, yes absolutely. But dh is bu and ridiculous to suggest what he has.
If he won't discus it send him this thread.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 23/08/2020 09:02

@justilou1

Remind DH that if he does this, he is going to be giving up his social life, his hobbies, etc answering all the emergency calls, cooking, cleaning and shopping, etc... because you have done your time with kids and are not starting again now. You have worked hard to enjoy your career and he is going to have to learn what it is like to have to drop everything at the drop of a hat to become a carer first and an earned second, because you are simply not prepared to do this again - and you are not going to be guilt-tripped into this.
He won't do this.

This is why I wouldn't even move the FIL closer. Why? Because guess who will be called upon M-F when something goes wrong? And it is the worst idea in the whole world to compromise any bit of your job when you realise you're married to a sexist person who believes life work is women's work and all the man does is have one job.

The OP will become the default carer.

The h will be sacrificing nothing.

N.F.W.

Sexnotgender · 23/08/2020 09:02

@dismaldebbie

Perfectly reasonable and understandable that your DH wants to move his father closer. I see no issue with that.

Well apparently not according to those on this thread.

It’s absolutely reasonable to move the FIL if that’s what HE wants. However what isn’t reasonable is to expect the OP to take on any of the responsibilities that come with his care. Even getting him moved and settled and all the paperwork and logistics need to be done by her ‘D’H.
maddening · 23/08/2020 09:04

Ps he has it easy all week pouncing around. In hotels etc,. I am sure that he bemoans hardships but it is nowhere as hard as your life that he is so easily suggesting adding care of his own father to. He isn't giving up his evenings of sitting in a hotel room, hotel bar, checking out local restraunts or even the odd networking dinner, no he wants to add to your already V busy schedule, he is a fucking selfish prick.

CasuallyMasculine · 23/08/2020 09:09

@dismaldebbie

Perfectly reasonable and understandable that your DH wants to move his father closer. I see no issue with that.

Well apparently not according to those on this thread.

Read the thread. It’s not the move that’s the problem.

It’s the expectation that the OP takes on the job of caring for her husband’s father on top of her full time job, childcare and running the house that’s the problem.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 23/08/2020 09:18

Lending my voice to those of PPs who say YANBU.

I understand your DH's reflex but he is living in a fantasy universe. His current plan would have a substantial impact on your family life to the detriment of all of you.

I'm in favour of the suggestion that if FIL wants to move at all, it's to a supported facility that is nearer to you. It's still disruptive but your DH can make early morning visits over the weekend to ensure that there's minimum disruption to family life. Or even a visit before he leaves to commute to his accommodation on Sunday nights.

Your DH has to talk this through with a neutral party like Age UK or Carers UK. If he won't then that is a very unfortunate piece of information about his attitude towards very important relationships.

Rhubardandcustard · 23/08/2020 09:19

Can you compromise. Fil moves closer but if money isn’t an issue for him pays for private nurses / home help to come in. Then at weekends you husband can go and help him out if he wants. This shouldn’t be down to you op.

SweatyAmy · 23/08/2020 09:21

My Dad worked away for several weeks at a time when I was a child.

However he was very grateful to my Mum for looking after me whilst he was away. He made sure to do everything he could when he was at home one weekend every 2-3 weeks. He used to batch cook big meals for the freezer Mum could reheat in the week to save her some time and he would clean the house etc.

He fully respected how much extra she had to do to care for me and manage the house - he certainly never volunteered her time away to others. This was just one child aged 7-14 so nowhere near as much work as 3 preschoolers.

It sounds like your husband doesn't fully appreciate how much you do for your family already OP.

Sexnotgender · 23/08/2020 09:21

Then at weekends you husband can go and help him out if he wants.

And takes the children with him to give OP a break...

ittakes2 · 23/08/2020 09:23

If your f’n’law is comfortable money wise - I really don’t understand why he can not move closer to you and then have paid help help him during the day. He gets daily care now - why does that have to change when he moves house? Yes of course he can’t have the same people - but it will be possible to hire people when he arrives. I am not surprised your husband wants his dad closer to him at this stage in his life. Why I get why you can’t care for him and should not have to - I really don’t get why others can’t if he has the funds.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 23/08/2020 09:30

@jacks11

That's one of the best summaries of this and similar situations that I've ever seen. It was a privilege to read it and it's bookmarked for distribution.

Thank you.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 23/08/2020 09:33

@Rhubardandcustard

Can you compromise. Fil moves closer but if money isn’t an issue for him pays for private nurses / home help to come in. Then at weekends you husband can go and help him out if he wants. This shouldn’t be down to you op.
If you read the OP, the husband doesn't want compromise, he wants the FIL to move closer so the paid care can be reduced.

Compromising with a sexist person who will not have a conversation about this would be very unwise for the OP because she will be the one who is compromised.

Porridgeoat · 23/08/2020 09:36

He should move FIL to his area of work so that Monday to Friday DH can support him each evening. Stay over even.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 23/08/2020 09:37

@Porridgeoat

He should move FIL to his area of work so that Monday to Friday DH can support him each evening. Stay over even.
The OP says the job he does isn't in the same place every week so that will not work.
Porridgeoat · 23/08/2020 09:38

DH can care for FIL at his place near his place of work Monday to Friday. That way you’re both working and both have caring responsibilities on week days. All the caring responsibilities are not on your shoulders

Porridgeoat · 23/08/2020 09:38

Damn!

Porridgeoat · 23/08/2020 09:43

’m being heartless, I’ve got a closed mindset, I’m selfish,

All this you could reflect back at DP. He’s heartless, got a closed mindset, selfish for not understanding how stretched you are already and demanding more then you can cope with. Sacrificing your time and energy when it makes little impact on himself.