to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

I did it and ended up on benefits when we split up. I wouldn't recommend. It took me ages to get back on my feet.

@Waxonwaxoff0

I did it and ended up on benefits when we split up. I wouldn't recommend. It took me ages to get back on my feet.

Sorry to here that.

I'm hoping me and DH aren't going to split up.

I am also qualified in my field of work so
I don't think I'd struggle to find work again if that should happen although very unlikely one that will offer a car.

I would only consider it personally if I could be pretty sure of getting back into the workplace if I needed to

Giving up work means you are so reliant on your other half and it can intensify any marital issues and also cause women to stay in toxic relationships due to the financial insecurity of leaving

@dwiz8

I would only consider it personally if I could be pretty sure of getting back into the workplace if I needed to

Giving up work means you are so reliant on your other half and it can intensify any marital issues and also cause women to stay in toxic relationships due to the financial insecurity of leaving

Thanks. My relationship isn't toxic so no worries there. :)

It's taken me 3 years to get back into the workplace and I'm qualified in my field also. The market is flooded with competition.

Personally I'd hang on and if you're not happy after returning, look for something else.

I did it and never looked back. It was a sacrifice we wanted to make. I was also the higher earner, but felt like you did.
no amount of money could compensate me missing out on the kids growing up.
We opted for tax credits as became a low income family on just the one wage.
We don't have much money but are rich in assets and are quite minimalist and frugal by nature. Neither ever being high consumers.
It worked well for us.

The thing I think most new mothers feel the same, no one loves the thought of actually leaving their baby. But you get used to it, as long as you're happy and confident about your chosen childcare. I worked when my girls were babies, I'd never have made myself reliant on a partner/husband.

I felt similarly about leaving the DC, but barring ill health / additional needs would never, ever want to be financially dependent on DH, or anyone. Far too risky.

It’s still a while away, so don’t make any decisions just yet.

I know that you’d only be breaking even financially if you went back part time, but there’s more to it than money - you’d still be in work, keeping up your experience and professional development, paying into your pension, and progressing. If you do take the time out entirely, you’ll be making it much harder to go back after a break of - potentially - several years. Even if you’re well qualified, loss of that current experience will put you at a disadvantage when you go back to job searching.

I know the time with your child is irreplaceable, but by splitting the difference and working part time, you’d be setting yourself up to give them much greater advantages in the future.

Almost all the risks are on the person quitting work, except with respect to custody of DC.

@allthemteeth your relationship isn't toxic now

There is a reason 50% of marriages end in divorce

Never rest on your laurels thinking your relationship will stay great forever. Being a SAHM will intensify any issues you may face going forwards

I went back when my DD was 1, I wasn’t really feeling it, and then at 18 months she was diagnosed with a disability and it put things into perspective a bit. I was in the lucky position that we’d be fine financially if I became a SAHP, so I did. It’s done DD the world of good, she absolutely flourished and I know that that’s due to having intense 1:1 from me in the early years. She’s going into reception in sept (I hope!!!!) and has been at the school nursery since sept. It’s an amazing and supportive school, and although she doesn’t need me as much now, she’ll still benefit from me being at home. I also have 2 year old DS now.

I’ve got no plans to rush back into work. I wasn’t really enjoying what I was doing, so if/when I decide to work again I’ll have to retrain. When comparing my old job to looking after the kids it’s no contest - raising the kids is by far the more rewarding.

I am sometimes jealous of my friends with interesting jobs, but that’s largely because I wish I’d gone down a different career path from when I was 16! I felt the same when I was in my old job tbh.

It can be hard, monotonous, relentless, etc. But I’m glad I’ve done it.

I personally wouldnt as I would hate to be financially reliant on someone else. I personally dont like to be just 'mum' so it was important to return.

I also would worry about things like pension contribution and how easy it will be to get back into work, especially with the fallout of covid and brexit.

Relationships turn toxic quickly. Especially when the balance of power shifts.

Your pt wage wouldn't be "wiped out" if dh already earns well...? Or is it a case of the child being your responsibility financially? Surely you both pay childcare costs to allow for both partners to maintain a career of some kind. Not brain surgery is it?

Stay in pt work at a minimum. Invest in your own future security. Dh could have a head injury tomorrow, wake up gay or a psychopath, and you will be up shit creek with no paddle.

OP don’t mean to patronise but you are glossing over people who are trying to give you advice from personal experience.

How many couples who are together currently plan to split up in the future? Yet the large majority of them eventually do. Of course you didn’t want to think you and your husband will ever split but statistically it is extremely likely.

What provisions would you have in place for you (and your child) if this were to happen?Would you have a private fund of money saved up in the event of this?

We are slipping into a financial recession which we do not know when it will finish . It will certainly be at least a few years. Unless you have an extremely secure job (which not many outside of the healthcare profession do) then it may be much harder than you think to get back into the workforce when you want to.

If your industry is one where there is part time work then I would implore you to look into that before you quit your job. I think for most being financially reliant on someone else doesn’t end well.

Could you go part time? It is an option, the fees thing is only an issue if you are expected to foot the bill rather than it being a family cost. Or could you both work part time? Not only would that hugely decrease childcare costs but on your working days you may be less worried if she is with her Dad rather than in nursery.

Will family money continue to pay into a pension for you while you’re out of work?

It's up to you to decide if you can cope without the social side of work however please don't ever feel like you are not "contributing to the pot". A contribution to the family isn't just financial. Your dh won't have to worry about your lo being ill and having to take his fair share of days off when she can't go to nursery, you will be providing the child care.

I did it for 10 years with 3 kids, I've never regretted it. I would advise that you get involved in your community or some volunteering though as your mental health does take a bit of a bit.

I didn't go back after maternity leave with DC1. He's now 3.5 and I have DC2 who's 7 months. I loved my job and still miss it. But I'm happy to be a SAHM for now, and overall think it's the right decision for our family as a whole.

I also am qualified in my work so should be able to go back to it fairly easily. DH earns enough that we get by okay just on his wage, so a similar situation. We are married and hope to be so always, and so I don't make any decisions based on if we separated.

I really empathise with the worries about social life and independence and sense of self. And it is true that these are some of the downsides of being at home with small children. But they aren't constant negatives, more like sometimes I get a bit lonely or feel a bit out of things as it's not the norm to be stay at home. So it's just the occasional negatives in the same way that any job has occasional negatives.

The way I think of it is that you CAN have it all, but not all at once. So I'm happy to take a few years out to be with my children, and then will go back to the work that I love.

We have a joint account and this means it feels like the family money rather than my husband's wage, if you see what I mean. At first it felt horrible not contributing financially, but now it's fine, and we've been aware and careful not to let it cause any power imbalances in our relationship.

Socially there are lots of parents who work part time, so you do meet other adults at stuff you take your children too. And there's still the evenings and weekends for seeing friends who are already part of your life!

Depending on your job and how easy it is to get back into etc, can you try it and then go back to work if not for you ? Or go part time and see if that is the balance that suits you or if you'd prefer full time at home or work?

Happy to chat more about this! It's something I thought about loads and still do! Took me awhile to adjust to being a SAHM, especially in terms of social perception of it etc. And it's something i still sometimes wrestle with when I'm missing my work.

Hope of some help! Whatever you decide hope it makes your whole family happy!

Firstly, childcare is a shared cost so why would it be wiping out your wage?

Secondly, think worst case scenario - what would you do if your marriage fell apart and you needed to be back in work quickly?

Final point, if you currently have a company car then would being a SAHP leave you without a vehicle? For independence reasons I would not want to be without a car.

I gave up a career to be a SAHM five years ago and don’t regret it at all. I’ve always wanted to be a mother, so while I loved my job, I feel like I’m doing what I always dreamed.
I’ve struggled with the loss of identity feeling, but I’m coming to terms with it now (eldest is about to start school). It’s a sacrifice, but for me it’s worth it.
My marriage is great and hasn’t suffered, if anything we have more quality time together as I get most of the housework done in the day so we spend weekends together. We don’t have any family help with childcare.

Financially, we are reliant on each other. I rely on DH to bring in the money for everything, and he relies on me to save us over £20k of childcare costs annually. We both feel like equal partners in it.

If possible, I'd look into going part time.
I know you say you relationship isn't toxic and you don't think you'll ever separate but neither did I. My ex DH left me after 21 years of marriage . Luckily I had continued to work part time in my field so I was able to up my hours and was able to manage. I'll n bet let myself become financially dependent on anybody.

If you can be financially comfortable with you as a SAHP then you can still be financially comfortable with you working PT surely? The difference is, you'd maintain some financial independence and employability if things don't quite go the way you planned in the future. I went back FT after having DS and admittedly that's not for everyone, but I'd never want to become fully financially dependent on another person if I could avoid it

When I was given a company car two years ago. I kept my own car, it's in the garage but up to date with MOT so fine to use immediately,so giving up my company car will not leave me without a vehicle.

It wouldn't be just me that would pay for childcare. It would be joint.
But all I meant was the cost of childcare would equate to what my wage would be should I go part time, so it would feel like I'm only working to pay childcare costs as we wouldn't be financially any better off for me going to work part time.

Even going back to my usual hours I wouldn't be left with very much from my income after childcare!!

I agree with Dwiz8.
I also gave up my teaching career to stay home and bring up my children, I returned after 12 months maternity leave then left when I was pregnant again.
I felt like you and I did not want anyone else to bring up my children. I do not regret it for a moment, however if I could turn the clocks back I should have gone part time.
I loved the time being with my children, but I felt isolated and lonely as we moved areas and never found my crowd. I also felt as if I had lost my identity, I used to be a teacher and now was someones mum.
15 years later I found myself as a single parent whilst my ex's career had soared. I could not get back in to my old career as in my subject jobs were thin on the ground and even though I had worked on supply for years it counted for nothing.
Giving up my career has caused a huge loss in my teachers pension, all my teacher friends retired happily with good pensions a few years ago.
I have eventually found a permanent job, less than half my old salary, I will be working beyond state pension age I imagine. Take heed.

I think you know your family dynamic, and those who counsel against it are doing so from their own experience which may or may not be what you would think likely to happen to you.

I was a SAHM for quite a few years and I don't regret it. There were hard days, it is much easier to work outside the home than look after three children all day every day!!

We had a joint account from day 1 of our marriage and my DH has never considered his income to be anything other than family money. I have always looked after the finances and he is very happy with that despite being a very high flyer. We were fortunate not need my salary as our mortgage had been based solely on his salary by choice for reasons I explained on another thread.

We made a joint decision that I would stay at home as his salary at that point was much higher. If it had been the other way round he would quite happily have been a SAHD!

During my time at home, I studied for another degree and was very involved in the community and school. I was very involved and very busy. I returned to work when my youngest started school and due to my qualifications and retraining I found a job part-time and term time only, which was ideal.

You know your situation better than anyone so as a couple you need to discuss the situation and any reservations you might have about it.

If I had it to do again I would open a personal pension though, as although your CB entitles you to credits for the full state pension my personal pension situation has been affected. You also need to ensure you both have adequate life insurances.