to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

if you are not comfortable, don't do it. It is never good to make yourself voluntarily financially dependant on another adult. You give up your work, whilst DH is climbing the career ladder. A few years down the line, you split up and will end up on benefits as it will be so hard to get back into a halfway decent job. Don't go there if you can avoid it.

Is the middle way of part time an option so you keep earning and don't stop working?

@FairiesWillFly

The danger is you will become totally boring to your hubby with no conversation apart from the children and he will start noticing other women have much more to offer.

Sorry, but this is ridiculous. I don't need a job to 1 be interesting or 2 stop my husband from noticing other women.

*I'm only working to pay childcare costs as we wouldn't be financially any better off for me going to work part time"
Not to start with but years go by so quickly and before you know it, kids at secondary school. You are no better off and might even less going back to work. If you do, it will be at thee same wage if lucky or lower most likely. You'll be qbit better off if still together, not so much if on your own.

Of you work, you'll reach the point of not having to pay any childcare any longer. In addition, you've been promoted twice in that time. Suddenly you are in a much better position financially, can consider buying a nicer house, going on dream holidays, and save. If you were to be on time own, this still be in a good position.

Noone likes to think of what life will be like in 10 years, but that time comes do quickly and many will look back and think 'if only I had thought if now'.

OP, you will only start to know the answer to this many years down the line. And even then, you still won't really know the answer.

I gave up a very good job when the children were born, and became a SAHM. I didn't miss my job for a single second, and loved every single minute of being a SAHM.

I was a SAHM until my youngest was 11 and XH's bad temper turned into violent behaviour towards all of us, whereupon I left him.

Five years on, I'm still financially stuffed. I am ridiculously highly qualified in a niche field, but haven't worked in this field for 20 years and things have moved on. I was working as a cleaner pre-lockdown to try to make ends meet.

So I should, in a way, have gone p/t or stayed f/t and put up with the awfulness of not being with my children full-time when they were small. But then I'd have missed all the stuff that I still think was so important and so lovely for them (and me) when they were little.

As I say: no right answer to this one.

I would keep in with a career if you can. I've been a SAHM for 11 years - never found the perfect opportunity to go back, something always got in the way- and it's been really tricky finding something now.

The job market is changing now, OP.

There will be more unemployment and less opportunity, at least for a while.

If you have until next March to decide, I would personally plan as though you ARE going back, with childcare, etc, then see how you feel nearer the time. Personally I would aim for at least part time though, which I think is the best of both worlds.

It's lovely that you are enjoying your daughter so much 🥰

It’s incredibly difficult to get back into work in any kind of decently paying, personally-satisfying role after a lengthy period of time out of work.

Think carefully and seriously about it before you choose to give up work.

It’s not just about if you find yourself as a single parent needing to get back into work. The job market could shift and you may find that you need both of you working to keep your finances functioning and suddenly you find that you’ve willingly put your family in a position where your husband is the single point of failure in terms of money coming in.

Don’t do it. i’m in a female dominated career, and have seen many women giving up their job to stay with the kids. It ended well in a minority of cases. Some got divorced, some widowed, some had their partner loose his job, some just got crazy staying at home all the time.
NONE got back to a job even remotely comparable to what they had before. Some managed to get back to their original level after several years, but many didn’t .
Some needed parttime, which is really difficult if you start somewhere new and are now working in supermarkets ( not a bad job as such, but these are all PhD educated women who earned a lot more before).
Try to return parttime! It will keep so many doors open.

Would you consider a temporary shift in hours? I'll admit I never wanted to put DS in nursery, always felt like he was my responsibility and not any one else's, but he's 16 month old now and not talking even though he understands words and I can't help but feel like it's because he doesn't get enough interaction. I am home all day every day, but it is more exhausting than being at work and I often feel like I've used my word count up for the day if that makes sense. I know I need to be talking more but I feel like I couldn't talk more if I tried.

I am still employed but have been fortunate enough to have been paid fully and have had extended maternity leave, though due to return this week and where at the beginning, probably until a few months ago I couldn't imagine nursery being the way forward, I do now and I'm really lucky to still have job security.

At least if you temporarily drop hours and try nursery a day or 2 a week you don't have to commit to it long term if it isn't for you, but you might also find it is for you.

Get a flexible working application in before your return and try and find a nursery that will take your baby on for a few hours 1 or 2 days and see if you get employment based childcare tickets to help with the cost.

If you don’t work how much will it cost to maintain your pension?

If you work part time your household finances won’t need to pay as much towards your pension.

@allthemteeth

Sorry, but this is ridiculous. I don't need a job to 1 be interesting or 2 stop my husband from noticing other women.

Maybe you don't but it has happened to plenty of women. Maybe not the other women but DH starting to find what you have to offer is boring and gradually more limited.

Ihope you are right as I won't wish it on anyone but there are plenty of women that have.

Plus, working gets a lot harder once kids start school. Working with a nursery aged child is easy (but expensive), but school age is difficult. Holidays, late starts, early finishes, its a lot more difficult than nursery. If you stay home now, it won’t be short term

Are you and your DH in different lines of work? If so, it's probably a good idea to keep your foot in the door. We're going to be in recession for a while and eggs in different baskets is always good. I never worried at all about DD in childcare but that was because we had the most idyllic nursery so I knew she was having a great time. DH also did 4 days till she was three (and got treated as an absolute hero by work) while I did ft work for pt pay (hello gender pay gap). But it worked out well for me on the whole. I need a lot of social contact to stay healthy. And not with random other mums I have nothing in common with apart from the age of our DC.

Meanwhile, my DSis, who took years out because she couldn't leave her children, is in minimum wage work, not using her qualifications and frustrated (to be fair, she has two happy healthy DC and didn't enjoy the job she left).

I think a lot of people fetishise working for working's sake. If you can pay your bills and want to be at home with your kids that's lovely, is it so important to have a bigger car/ house /line the pockets of a fat cat CEO?

I didnt think my relationship was toxic and never expected us to split up but after 5 years together my ex was extremely controlling (checked my messages daily and was tracking my location which I didn't realise until he confronted me for not being where I had planned to be one day). Eventually he became sexually abusive and I had to leave. I'm forever grateful I kept my career going after ds was born, you really dont see these things coming.

If you have the option to go back and work part-time and that covers your nursery fees, yes, I'd do it. But also, your dd is only 7 months. At 7 months, it was nice to still be at home. By about 12 with each of mine, I was happily skipping away when I dropped them off at nursery because I desperately needed to talk to adults and use my brain again. March is a very long time away.

In terms of money though, nursery was only just covered by the contribution of my salary when I went back after my first. 7 years later, my salary is probably 3x that. It was well worth the lean years to have progressed in my career. I also worked part-time for a year or so after I started back with both and worked FT compressed hours, so I still always had a day or two off each week, which was nice too.

@allthemteeth

When I was given a company car two years ago. I kept my own car, it's in the garage but up to date with MOT so fine to use immediately,so giving up my company car will not leave me without a vehicle.

It wouldn't be just me that would pay for childcare. It would be joint.
But all I meant was the cost of childcare would equate to what my wage would be should I go part time, so it would feel like I'm only working to pay childcare costs as we wouldn't be financially any better off for me going to work part time.

Even going back to my usual hours I wouldn't be left with very much from my income after childcare!!

Don't forget about additional benefits such as a pension. The period you pay for childcare is incredibly small when you consider the years in your working life. Plus the fact that childcare costs reduce once they start school.

There's no way I could be a SAHM, but at the same time I'd hate to work full time! I'm part time and find it the perfect balance. DD loves nursery too, and gets a lot out of it. DD is 2 now and the toddler years are hard work. She's amazing, but full of energy, and I'd struggle to entertain her every day, especially with covid restrictions. Full lockdown was tough!

You have plenty of advice to think about. It's such a personal choice, depending on your family dynamic and future hopes and dreams.
I personally went back to work 4 days a week when our son was 14 months old, I also had a 2hr daily commute and for the first 6 months I found it really hard but at no point did I think being a SAHM was a better option. You bring up your children but yes other people look after them for you, it annoys me when people presume that by working you dont bring up your children. In my opinion by giving up your job your basically giving up your independence to be self sufficient in your career and financially Independent. I have 2 friends that gave up their jobs and they are both single parents in a council house on benefits. No matter how secure your relationship is I feel it would be short sighted to give it up.
I would strongly recommend that If you can go part time then you would have a good balance of mummying and adulting.

What are your pension arrangements like? I think not paying into an occupational pension would be the main thing that would put me off becoming a SAHM, along with needing 35 years+ of national insurance contributions for a state pension.

Ps I love the 'he'll find you boring' comments, ladies you must keep yourself interesting for your husbands else he'll go elsewhere!

It’s only ‘not worth it’ for about 2 and a half years and then you’ll get free hrs for nursery. In the meantime you’ve ensured you’ve trod water on the career ladder (at least!) and saved your DH from the pressure of being sole earner.

Think long term, your DH could get laid off, one or other of you could get ill, as unpleasant as it is to imagine your relationship could change.

I found out my ExH had started having an affair after I returned to work. I had returned FT with the plan to have another baby soon! It was a huge blessing to be able to kick him out (after he’d been caught a second time having been given the chance to work it out) and cover the mortgage myself with no bother. We were childhood sweethearts, together over 10 years before the baby came along. Life doesn’t only happen to other people.

You'll b fine op. You are contributing to the pot, there is far far more to life than money.

It's a sad reflection really on the way our society is moving that, this is how you feel. Your dh earns a good wage. Your not going to be short but you feel looking after your own baby means your not contributing. That's really sad.

I took 10 years out. I'm now back at work and we were very pinched for cash. You can't get those years back with small dc.
I'm sure in a few years when your dd is more independent and at least verbal... You could go back part time or something and it would be perfect for you both...

Usually I thought we were only supposed to put vulnerable, non verbal dc into nursery as a last resort where there are no other options.

I said there was a danger you would be less interesting....not that you definitely would. I would imagine it would be really hard to have much to talk about being at home all day and with no hobbies (obv you will be busy with child all day) what might you talk about? Is your husband interesting? Does he have hobbies to talk about?

Op you'd be really unfortunate to loose your husband in 2 years, even 1 1/2 years eg by the time your dd would enjoy nursery.

Even then you could simply get another job.

Your not signing away the entire rest of your life.