to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

Don't stop work totally. It's too insecure. Think of the long haul.

It's scary leaving a small baby to go back to work: I felt awful when I went back when my DD was 9 months. Its absolutely natural to feel that way but that doesn't mean leaving work is the right thing to do. You've got to power through it. I split up with my ex when DD was four. If I'd stopped work I would have been fucked.

Your relationship might be great now and hopefully will remain great but half of marriages fail. Marriages become much tougher with small kids. I really hope that won't happen to you but you need to hope for the best and plan for the worst and protect yoursef. If going back FT is too much, have you considered going PT?

Just whatever you do don't leave yourself and your child totally dependent on a man financially. It's just not worth the risk.

Loved Mat leave and returned 4 days and eventually 5 days a week- full time is hard. I think flexible working, even without making a profit as such is so beneficial, to a mother and a child.
0-1 can be such a lovely age but don’t underestimate what a toddler/ preschooler is like- draining!!!!!! I also loved seeing my LO thrive at nursery, make friends and do so much more than I could do at home. I would seek a part time role.

I don’t believe in giving up my independence and therefore it’s important for me to work. I think it’s good for my daughter to have that as a role model too, I want her to know her dad and I both work hard for our lifestyle. We could live on my husbands wage, and most of mine is wiped out by childcare but childcare costs aren’t forever, and I didn’t want a 5 year gap on my CV until she was at school. Don’t underestimate how hard job hunting will be for the next few years...! We have a very happy marriage and we have no plans to split up but no ones knows what is around the corner and it’s naive at best to depend on someone else in that way! I also didn’t work my ass off to get where I am, have a degree etc, to then spend my life singing nursery rhymes. I work part time and it gives me good balance :)

You asked fr advice...but don't seem happy with what is being said. That's fine as it's your choice and not some randoms on the site.

However I agree...being a SAHM leave your vulnerable and getting de skilled....and like the other posters I have also seen it happen to friends when their husbands got bored of the say at home wife focussed on the kids, play groups, mums coffee mornings and that being all she can talk about. Suddenly they get traded for another model.

Your choice!

None of us got married thinking it would end in divorce silly! In 2020 you should be out there earning your own money and being a proper grown up and not relying on a man. I've tried both and being a sahm just felt pointless because I can do all the mummying and have a job quite easily like all the other adult women do. Nobody like the thought of nursery when you've been at home with them for so long but children thrive on the social contact of other kids and let's face it, most of us don't get messy paints out everyday or introduce new foods every day and all that makarky; they get a good experience. 50:50 chance that you could end up on your own trying to get back into the job market is obviously too much of a risk for any sensible woman. Perhaps consider part time

We were no better off after we had paid for two lots of nursery fees over five years. I effectively worked 'for nothing'. Except I maintained the power balance in our relationship, my mental health was great, my DC learnt not to rely on just mummy for everything and now at 48, my pension looks great and I'm looking at early retirement in a few years.
I worked pt. The best of both worlds. I don't feel I missed out on anything.

My experience of this was 20 years ago and the other way around but does incorporate some of the very valid points raised by pp's.

Our dd suffered a life threatening conditioning condition at 6 months old which left her with SLD. It was imperative one of us gave up our job to take care of dd. At that time I earned about 10k per annum more than DH plus I had a luxury company car, great bonuses and Gold standard BUPA healthcare for all of us so it was a no brainer really that I needed to keep working as we had recently moved house and had a huge mortgage.

DH was a college lecturer and was able to continue working 1 day per week although his pay was swallowed up paying for specialist care for dd on this day but he really needed to "Keep his hand in."

3 years later I was forced out of my high flying career due to a form of workplace bullying. ☹️ MIne was a very niche role so virtually impossible to replace on same salary. However, because DH had continued working pt, he was able to increase to ft quite easily and I took over the care of dd and decided to start a small business from home. Money was certainly quite tight for the first year but, because we had been used to living with one wage, once my business was established we actually felt quite well off and saved loads. 15 years later we were able to pay off the mortgage and take early retirement but, had DH given up work altogether in the early days things would have been nowhere near as healthy.

As you can imagine, I too think you should try pt if at all possible. You never know what is waiting around the corner.

It's difficult.

I became a sahm after unexpectedly falling pregnant whilst undertaking a temporary role that ended when I was 25 weeks. I managed to secure another temp job but that ended at 32 weeks. My DP coincidentally got a big pay rise at that point so we just run with it. When my dd was 2 I was keen to return to work and got an interview for every role I applied for in my industry but didn't secure any of the roles. I became quite disheartened and didn't apply for anything else and chose to have another DC at that point thinking I should get this stage over and done with asap. When dc2 was 10 months I returned to work but I began applying for roles when she was 6 months. I didn't get any interviews. By this point I had been out of the industry for over 3 years. The job I secured was via an old manager who had started up her own business whom I had bumped into and offered me a role.

I've been furloughed now longer than I have worked. I have applied for 6 jobs in the past few weeks in my industry and have been rejected from all of them.

I don't know what I am advising you really but I suppose the moral of my story is that having a 'career' doesn't mean that you can get back into it in the future.

Only you can decide what is best for you OP. I found myself unexpectedly a single parent when my exh decided he was bored of me after we had children

I was also made redundant, it was very hard to find work as a single mum 2dc, both young. Even now, years later my salary hasn't recovered fully, working FT.

No one sets out to be a single parent, beware leaving the jobs market for long periods, skills change etc

I think having a job gives you much more than the wage, it’s the social side and being a person in your own right other than being ‘mum’ that I need.

I reduced my hours and only work two days a week now but I really enjoy it and would never give up my career. I feel like having those two days away from DD makes me a better parent for her because I have balance and don’t feel like a slave to her and the house. I’ve just had three weeks annual leave and was ready to go back to work for a break 😂

condition (conditioning 🙄)

Lots of optimism here! I went back part time but decided it wasn't right for us. I had almost 40 years left to work but only a few with tiny children. We've had no arguments about money, I have a lovely sociable life and have picked up some consultancy work through friends. Now both are starting school I will look for something more but my number one priority is picking the kids up from school.

Lots of people would kill to be in your financial position, it's lovely to have the choice. Enjoy the time with your baby x

I did this. By 18 months I was miserable I took the first job I applied for. Honestly, go back part time. If you hate it, quit. But make that first step to go back so you know if it's actually how you feel. Worst case is you're miserable for like 2 months?

At 7 months I didn't really have the mental energy to return to work, however luckily I didn't have to decide then and by just over 1 year I'd come to the conclusion that going back to work part time was my only option for getting a break from a demanding toddler. The toddler years are exhausting and I was much happier dealing with it as part of a team with nursery than by myself all day every day. I have also only broken even after childcare but have recent experience and current contacts which makes it much easier than if I'd left altogether. I was really looking forward to taking on some more work now I have funded childcare for both children for the first time but now I'm being a bit cautious with how much I take on in case school closed again. I hope you find the right option for you.

All of us working mothers basically worked for free in the early years until they get free childcare. It's the price for keeping your foot in the door of your career.

The danger is you will become totally boring to your hubby with no conversation apart from the children and he will start noticing other women have much more to offer.

I'm sure others will concur with the fact that as soon as you give up work you become responsible for all the housework entirely as he will be 'too tired after being at work all day while you've been to baby groups' you will become a bit of a slave-sorry but it's pretty common if you read some other threads.

You might find playground relationships difficult too as lots of working mothers would probably struggle to have a conversation with you and find it hard to have much in common.

Plenty to think about I think

I did it as couldn't face leaving my son but I had zero family support and my son had some health problems which possibly made it harder to leave him. I have loved the last 4 years at home with him and have recently started working again. I didn't find it hard to find work but I do work in a sector where jobs are plentiful. I definitely had the same mixed feelings as you.

Compromise.
Going part time may be your best option, it keeps you in the workplace and gives you more time with your DD.
Childminders cost less as do Nanny shares.
I went part time until DD was three and started Nursery and I did a 4 day week.
Child care fees came out of joint income.

What about your husband? How about you both go to four days per week. That’s what DH and I have done and it works brilliantly. Both careers have continued to progress as it’s not too part time, but the kids only have to do three days in nursery and have plenty of quality family time with each parent, Playgroup’s etc and all the things that SAHPs do. And it’s very important to me to set the example that we both work and both have caring responsibilities regardless of gender.

It’s a personal choice but for me, I couldn’t sleep at night if I stepped out of the world of work completely. None of us know what will happen tomorrow and every day that passes makes it less likely you’ll slot back into any kind of decent job. Plus I love both Dh and I having work lives to chat about and the fact that I have remained part of the real ‘adult’ world. I adore the bones of my children but the life of a SAHM would honestly kill my soul. And no one else is bringing them up-they’re still home far, far more than nursery.

@GeorginaTheGiant that sounds a wonderful idea and I wish I had thought of that! Children in nursery 3 days and home 4-I'm sure that works well for everyone :) only caveat would be considering pension contributions and how they are affected

Are you able to request less hours? A nice balance of work and home works best for me, I earn pittance but it's the social and independence side that I missed when I was at home all the time.

Personally I would advise remaining in work. The salary now is only a minor benefit of working. If you have a career, it'll enable you to remain skilled and up to date with CPD and to continue paying towards pension.

Even if you're working 2/3 days a week, it keeps a hand in and in the event of any changes to circs like a serious injury, health problem or relationship breakdown, you have a bit more protection.

No one expects to get divorced. I would never have predicted mine, I would say ours was the most stable and loving of relationships amongst peers but my husband's MH deteriorated significantly after a parent's sudden death and our whole relationship changed beyond recognition.

Your reasons for not going pt don’t sound like they actually preclude it. Remember that childcare expenses come from both of your pay, not just yours, and it will keep you sane and in the work place. Very helpful for getting back to work and also retaining your adult self. Plus nursery isn’t forever!

How secure is your husbands job OP? There is a lot of uncertainty right now so might be good to have your job in hand and not make and decision yet - you still have plenty of time to decide.

But all I meant was the cost of childcare would equate to what my wage would be should I go part time, so it would feel like I'm only working to pay childcare costs as we wouldn't be financially any better off for me going to work part time.

You as a couple wouldn't be financially any better off, but you as an individual would both have the security of employment should the worst happen and your marriage starts to get into trouble.

Consider all the additional benefits of PT work - continued employment on your CV, adult conversation (don't underestimate it!), a sense of accomplishment and respect for your work (being a SAHM can be incredibly tedious sometimes), and you won't end up being the default housekeeper with all the chores (although you might end up with a higher proportion of them).

... all those benefits and no additional expense for you as a couple. Honestly, I would pay money for job security and keeping your options open for the future when your child is young.

And I agree with a PP - instead of you taking all the childcare responsibility, what about both of you doing 4 days/week? My DH and I did it and it worked really well. Not only did we keep both careers going, but we both learnt to take care of the children alone. Childcare is now a completely shared responsibility, and I'm not a 'default' parent. The housework always remained a shared responsibility too.

I gave up a job I loved to be a sahm, I don't regret it at all, no nursery can come close to a child being with its mother. The time goes so fast and my 13 year old can still remember things I took him to and songs from singing groups etc when he was a pre schooler. We didn't have much spare cash the first few year's but I didn't actually miss the material things. We have always took our children away a couple of times a year it's good having the flexibility to go whenever you want without putting holidays in etc. I'm so pleased I had the first four years of both my children's lives without having to rely on childcare.