to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

OP, you have a long time to decide this. Don’t stress about it just yet.

Some very good points about financial independence and pension contribution have already been made. Personally I’d always keep a hand in. No-one ever thinks their marriage will break down. Sadly many are wrong.

You may feel very differently by March anyway. I adored my mat leave with DS2. But 8 months in I was ready to go back. A few months later I realised that in cutting my hours slightly I had the best of both worlds.

so it would feel like I'm only working to pay childcare costs as we wouldn't be financially any better off for me going to work part time.

No. Financially that may be true in the very short term. But you'd also be working to keep your skills up to date, keep your pension contributions going, keep your world a bit bigger, keep your sanity (!), keep your longer term career prospects good, maybe even keep your independence, keep you feeling that you're contributing, that your equal to your dh.

I felt very similarly at 7 months but DS is now 14 months and I'm glad I've returned to work part time. Toddlers are demanding and hard work, he has a fantastic time 3 days a week at nursery and is developing so much there....he loves it. My part time salary is only £200 a month more than childcare fees although it's a joint family expense but it's totally worth it for adult conversation, pension contributions (a biggie) and giving me another dimension to my life, social life etc. The bonus is we're used to the reduced income and when nursery fees are over we'll feel loaded . I genuinely think part time work is the best of both worlds. At 3 days a week I'm home with DS more often than not but I'm still keeping my hand in with my career.

[quote FairiesWillFly]@GeorginaTheGiant that sounds a wonderful idea and I wish I had thought of that! Children in nursery 3 days and home 4-I'm sure that works well for everyone :) only caveat would be considering pension contributions and how they are affected [/quote]
Pension contributions are of course reduced a bit for both of us but two four day week salaries are still good and we’re both still building up pensions at a decent rate. The huge advantage of how we have set things up is that the career hit (which is inevitable when you as a couple have kids) is spread between us, such that the impact on either one of us is minimal. It wouldn’t work for everyone but it does for us. Also the kids have an amazing relationship with their father who is an equally confident and capable parent. My ears bleed when I hear female friends ‘joking’ about their silly husbands who are apparently incapable of looking after their own kids for a couple of hours tinkly laugh. That kind of set up would honestly kill my respect for my husband and quite possibly my marriage. I really wish more people considered sharing childcare and I find it thoroughly depressing how the threads on this subject fail almost without exception to consider that the parent with the penis could possibly look after his children for even one day a week. Sadly I think there are very few men keen to do that and few women who push them on it

I felt the same until DD turned 12 months old, then I was glad for the break and adult company. DD spent 1 day with her Dad one day with each set of Grandparents and 3 days at nursery. She had such a varied week and built some wonderful relationships with family. She also got so much out of nursery and learnt loads!

@Windyjuly there is no ‘just’ getting another job unless you’re in a low skilled industry’s anyway. OP is highly unlikely to secure meaningful PT work after a long break. It’s far easier to negotiate PT hrs in an existing role/organisation.

OP why don’t you look at jobs now with PT hrs that you’re qualified for. That will give you an idea of what the market is like and what sort of cut you’re likely to be taking long term.

We’ve made the decision that I’m going to be a sahm. I went back full time after both my DS’s which was hard work and fine but we’ve got the opportunity now for me to stay home and I’d really like to spend time with my two youngest (2 under 2) and be able to take
DS1 to school, his extra curricular activists and actually make sure I’m at his assemblies and plays etc.

Also due to the job I do I can’t talk to my DH about what I do Day to day other than I Answers lots of emails and Went to lots of meetings so I’d argue well have more things in our day to talk about now...

You have to do what’s best for you and your family. I’ve been a single mum so know they dangers. I was career focused at the time which apparently is what pushes my ex into the arms of another woman so saying a thy being a sahm will drive you into a toxic relationship and divorce is silly it can happen to anyone. My husband and I have had lots of discussions about this sort of thing and I’m satisfied it’s the best choice for me

I gave up work when I had DD, and don't regret it one bit. DD will be going to pre-school in September (hopefully) and later I will look for part time work. I feel very lucky to have been able to spend this time with her and watch her grow. See her taking her first steps and hearing all the new words she has learnt. Whilst like you I feel bad not contributing to the pot I know this is just a very short term arrangement and is not forever. Only you know how stable your relationship is with your DH and how reliable he is, and if you think you can depend on him for a couple of years then I think you should go for it. Yes, it is possible that you and DH may split in future but it is equally possible for you to get run over on your way to or from work. The "what if"s must end somewhere. Sometimes you just got to do what you and your DH think is best for your child and family at the time and face things as they come.

I could never imagine giving up my career to stay at home, but my son arrived and I simply couldn't go back.

I knew the risk and decided it was a risk I was more than willing to take. I would have hated to have missed that time with my son, you never get it back and it is brilliant. It's great that we have the choice now.

You don't loose yourself unless your only self is work to begin with. I am still me, I still research the areas Im interested in. People who say you have nothing to talk about after being a SAHM. obviously only spoke about work to begin with, I never did that with my hubby or friends anyway, we chatted about mutual interests.

I think the problem initially is, we are driven to believe value is only measured on a monetary level. If we are not earning we are not bringing anything to the partnership, but you are, just by being at home with your child is bringing value to the partnership and yourself.

I think the misconception is that SAHP, do just that, stay at home with their child all day, don't talk to others, don't have the capacity to still be involved in their interests or continue to educate themselves. It's not all nappies and monotonous baby talk. It's what you make of it most of the time.

Do what makes you happy and fulfilled.
I feel luckily to be able to live the life I choose

Newuser123123

It’s not about bigger house or bigger car. I find this attitude infuriating. It’s about protecting yours and your family’s financial security. It’s crazy to be totally dependent on someone else financially.

Think about it practically:

• are you able to pay into a private pension for you?
• are you able to ensure life insurance/critical illness cover if your DH falls ill/dies/unable to work permanently?
• are you able to afford training to keep up with your work skills?
• if you have a mortgage are you able to afford interest rate rises?
• would you have unrestricted access to your DH's salary and spend without asking for permission/discuss a purchase?

I personally had too many cases in my family and work where suddenly without the fault to anyone became serious ill which meant the main earner was permanently not able to earn a salary and the family had to rely on benefits until the mother managed to get back to work after years out of work.

I would never put myself or my child in this situation.

You would be contributing to the pot as you will be saving the childcare outgoing which is not inconsiderable.

I loved being at home with my babies during maternity. Toddlers are quite different and the intensity of staying at home with toddlers and no adult company/stimulation would not be for me.

I do get pangs of guilt when I leave them to nursery on my way to work but they gain a lot from their childcare setting and I keep part of myself and my independence. Mostly the pros outweigh the cons for me.

That said each to their own so all the best with whichever option you choose.

The sad thing is is that even with the men that everyone who knows them says he is "just the kindest man", "would never do that!", "best family man!", "so honest and kind and decent!", turns out he's actually been shagging Stacey/Shawn from Accounts for the past 3 years. You never know where life will lead you. Don't give up your job. I work in nursery settings with children of a wide span of ages and I promise you they do just fine as soon as guardian leaves.

Nursery fees are expensive between 0-3 years then your child will get 30 hours free then be at school so please don’t base your decision on how much it will cost you right now. Maternity leave is great but I think it can give a rose tinted view of what it could be like to do it for good. Your mum friends often go back to work, your child grows out of baby groups/classes, your little bundle becomes a toddler and much more challenging. I’ve got a 3 year old and a 6 month old just about to go back from maternity leave and I can’t wait I need the adult interaction and my identity back. I only work part time so feel like I have the best of both worlds, I enjoy my work, I have financial independence and I can appreciate the time with my children.

The other thing I'd add is that little babies are great, I loved mat leave when DS was pushed around in the pram and had two naps a day. Now he's tearing around, climbing on the sofa and falling off, running into doors, trying to eat gravel in the garden, pulling things out of cupboards, screaming if I don't give him attention constantly and on and on and on. Honestly going to work is a lovely break and he runs around and causes chaos at nursery and has a grand old time while I have a hot cup of tea in peace .

Even though going part time isn't 'profitable' it's much easier to request part time hours with a company you already work for. Trying to find a part time/school hours job 5 years down the line will be nigh on impossible.

I wasn't ready when DD was 8 months but happy to go back part time when she was 11 months, so you don't know how you'll feel in another 6/7 months

Just to add, I asked my kids once they'd become older teenagers whether they'd wished I had been a sahm or even PT. I asked they were totally honest.

They said that they were very happy and wouldn't have had it differently. They said they really enjoyed their child are providers and they were aware of the things they enjoyed because I could afford them.

When they got to the age of leaving home I did for a little while feel that time had gone too quickly and I hadn't made as most of their childhood as I could, but I'm so glad to be in the comfortable financial position I'm in and able to contemplate retiring in my late 50s rather than late 60s because of the contribution I made working PT.

I don't think many people think they're going to split, the chances are you won't, but it's absolutely sensible to consider and plan as if you might. Can you go part time? I thought during maternity leave I'd love to stay home, but actually by the time I was heading back I found the balance really good, and I still see him plenty! Up to you ultimately, but when considering its sensible to take all of the possibilities into account. DS also loves nursery, he has come on leaps and bounds, so if you do decide you'd like to go back it's not all bad. It can change the dynamic in a relationship too.

Yes, I gave up work. Well I took a 4 year career break, for security, but I'm about to resign as I can't extend it and I'm enjoying being a SAHM so much. My social life has significantly improved with mums I've met through playgroups. I'm so glad I've got to experience the first few years of my little ones' lives. Yes, our relationship dynamic has changed, I rely on an allowance from OH, which was initially daunting but seems normal now. I've had to cut back on stuff. I've only bought myself two items of new clothing in four years and I cut and colour my own hair rather than going to a hairdresser, among other things. But it's all been small sacrifices compared to being with my kids. My only concern is that I have very little pension, as apart from part time jobs, I've only worked for 4 years of my life, having done a degree and then a PhD. Once I'm back at work I'm going to have to save extra hard to ensure I have enough in the pot for retirement.

I was going to give up work, but shortly before I left my DH was unexpectedly made redundant, so I stayed on part time and it was the best decision ever.

Over the past 16 years, I have worked somewhere between 2 and 4 days a week and it has been perfect.

In that time, I have seen friends who did become SAHM really struggle to get back into the workforce. As I had worked part time, when my DC started school, I worked school hours. Friends who were SAHM struggled to find school hours work and most then either went back full time or had to go back on a much lower level. I kept my career up and now have teenage DC, but some of my SAHM friends complain that they still haven't got back to the stage they were at before, or they barely have.

I would also echo the comments others have made about relying on one salary. My DH has been made redundant twice, both times I was able to increase my hours so we survived. I have seen friends really struggle when their DH was made redundant because both were desperately trying to find work, and it is so much harder when you've been out of the workforce. And yes, I have also seen the women whose marriages have broken down. The SAHM have often been shafted because they were forced into low paid jobs because they fit around the children and some were left in terrible financial positions. Yet all were happily married mums when they became SAHM.

Of course, it does work for some. But no one can predict the future. By working part time, you can future proof yourself a bit, because you have a bit of security if your circumstances change. You are also contributing towards your pension.

Sure, I didn't make much money when my DC were little, but I was able to keep my career on the back boil. So when my DC got older, I didn't have to start again, I could just ramp up my career and I'm now much further on that I would have been if I had become a SAHM. Although very stressful at the time, I've recently just changed to my dream job, so I'm now very thankful that my DH was made redundant all those years ago.

@Savananan are the chances really that she won’t. The divorce rate is 50% now.

@Amammi

How secure is your husbands job OP? There is a lot of uncertainty right now so might be good to have your job in hand and not make and decision yet - you still have plenty of time to decide.

@Amammi I'd say very. It stayed open throughout lockdown. No furlough, and her had a pay increase in April!

@Newuser123123

Ps I love the 'he'll find you boring' comments, ladies you must keep yourself interesting for your husbands else he'll go elsewhere!

@Newuser123123

It's like something from the 60's.

If a husband finds his wife boring because I she doesn't work and is at home with his child then he's not bloody worth having!

There are more ways to keep your husband interested than having a job!

As others have said - pension.

And

Pension

And

Pension

I freelanced for a bit after dc and although we had enough money it wasn't enough to continue my pension contributions. So I didn't for 3 years. That was a bad enough hit but many women are out for years longer than that. I'm back in an employee role and paying 30% pension contributions just to get it back to something reasonable. Compound interest makes a hell of a difference......

I also like working and the social side of it, but do protect your financial future for however things work out with your relationship with your DH (and his job)

There are more ways to keep your husband interested than having a job!

Absolutely there is, but the way some 'nice' blokes talk about their wives who are SAHMs is pretty grim. From being resentful they're out earning the money, to finding them boring. I don't agree at all btw, but until in that situation no one actually knows how their partner will feel about it.