to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

Could you return part time instead? I only work 2 days a week now so it gives me plenty of time with the DC but also keeps my foot in the door career wise.

@allthemteeth

When I was given a company car two years ago. I kept my own car, it's in the garage but up to date with MOT so fine to use immediately,so giving up my company car will not leave me without a vehicle.

It wouldn't be just me that would pay for childcare. It would be joint.
But all I meant was the cost of childcare would equate to what my wage would be should I go part time, so it would feel like I'm only working to pay childcare costs as we wouldn't be financially any better off for me going to work part time.

Even going back to my usual hours I wouldn't be left with very much from my income after childcare!!

Childcare is a shared cost - it does not all come from your wages.

Do you have a company pension? Bear in mind that you’ll lose your contributions to that, so you’ll need to set up a private pension and your DH will need to contribute to it, otherwise you’ll lose out.

@FairiesWillFly

I said there was a danger you would be less interesting....not that you definitely would. I would imagine it would be really hard to have much to talk about being at home all day and with no hobbies (obv you will be busy with child all day) what might you talk about? Is your husband interesting? Does he have hobbies to talk about?

@FairiesWillFly well I've been at home all day since March to be honest. My husband worked all through lockdown whilst I was at home with the baby. Surely during time when I didn't see anyone or even leave the house, our conversation would be at its "weakest"

But we were never short of things to talk about, and we've been together for 12 years!

OP you seem to only be responding to the very few nonsensical comments in the thread and not acknowledging any of the numerous good points people have brought up.

It seems you have already made your mind up and simply wanted people to validate your decision.

And I would be interested to know which super secure industry your husband is in that never even closed throughout COVID and was able to give staff a pay rise. But I’m sure you won’t say as it would ‘be too outing’.

Remember even though you feel like you'd be working to cover childcare, you also build up salary increases and pension contributions etc as well as maternity pay if you want a second baby. And then its only a couple of years til 30 free hours kicks in.

I'd say everyone going back to work after maternity leave questions if they've done the right thing. But it will feel 10x worse if you go back after a 3 or 5 year break or something.

Also nothing is set in stone. If I was you I'd go back and see how you feel after 3 months when you've got into a new routine.

Lastly you've said that your relationship isnt toxic and you hope you and your husband wont split up. I'm sure all the women in shitty positions with no income after a split, thought the same. I think it would be quite naive to completely dismiss the possibility that one person earning and one staying at home full time, might change the dynamics of your relationship.

If you go ahead and quit I'd definitely talk about finances and how you're going to split leisure time and household chores. One look at the boards on here will show you lots of threads from SAHP who are pissed off that they never get to go out, and who's partners think that working outside the home exempts them from any responsibility inside the home whatsoever

@Savananan

There are more ways to keep your husband interested than having a job!

Absolutely there is, but the way some 'nice' blokes talk about their wives who are SAHMs is pretty grim. From being resentful they're out earning the money, to finding them boring. I don't agree at all btw, but until in that situation no one actually knows how their partner will feel about it.

@Savananan well I guess all I can compare that to is 8 years ago I suffered with depression after the death of a close friend. I couldn't manage working so I was out of work for a year. Whilst I had savings, he supported me and cared for me. I gained 4 stone and was in a bad place. He didn't cheat and he didn't get bored. The following year he took my away for my birthday and he proposed!!!!

I worked part time with DC1 and gave up with DC2 as we moved abroad with DH job. DC2 is now 10 and it took me 2 years to get a job as a dinner lady. I was in a professional role before. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have moved abroad and I'd have carried on working part time and even if my salary only covered childcare, that wouldn't have been for long with funded nursery places that are now available. I am now not in a position to even find a job that would cover childcare costs when you factor in school holidays. Because of MN, I've made sure I'm financially protected as I can be in case DH and I split but I'm left feeling very resentful that all I do is look after children whilst he's swanning around in his high earning job. Yes he's under a lot of pressure and yes he helps out when he's home, but I wish I'd had someone to advise me when I was making the choices I made.

I'm a sahm op and I love it! You say you'd miss being around other adults but for me that was the beauty of baby / toddler groups - great to have the regular adult company. Obviously COVID has put a pause on all that but I'm talking about life before.

I do understand being a sahm isn't for everyone though.

In that case go for it it's just so many people do without considering possibilities, and find life much harder for it.

I felt exactly like this when my DS was a baby. I stretched my maternity out as long as possible with annual leave etc and went back 3 days a week when he was 13 months. I'm really glad I did. He's learning so much at nursery around other children and gets a totally different type of social stimulation. I still get two full days with him doing fun things. He's now a toddler and is so lovely but also really full on and I like having my work days to feel more like me again, engaging my brain in a different way and using my lunch to do things I want to do instead of reading The Gruffalo for the 5 millionth time in a row!

With childcare these will be an expensive few years, but I know that it would be much harder/impossible to get back into my profession at my level after a big career gap, and especially if I wanted an employer as flexible and understanding as mine is, which will be even more important when DS starts school.

I will add though that I adored being at home with my children when they were young and I was so grateful that I could do that. I just don't think now that the price I'm paying is worth it.

I think you’ve made your mind up anyway but just to say I would agree with another poster that actually it becomes more difficult to work when they start school, as the days are shorter plus the holidays. But I think because I had remained in work, part time, it meant they when school time for my eldest came around I had built up the good will with my employer so I was able to change up my hours again to give me more flexibility. It means I can take my kids to school and pick them up a few times a week, and pre covid wfh whenever I needed to, to make sure I could attend all assemblies and stuff like that. I don’t think that would have been as easy with a new employer.

Have you worked out how much you would earn with two or three days a week? I am surprised that it would be worth it for full time but not for less as the way the tax works out, you bring home more than 40% of your salary for 2 days a week.

@Snailsetssail

Could you return part time instead? I only work 2 days a week now so it gives me plenty of time with the DC but also keeps my foot in the door career wise.

@Snailsetssail besides the fact that I would most likely be out of pocket going back part time (or the wage may even just cover child care) I doubt my employer would facilitate part time hours. I know they have to consider it but they don't have to honour it and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't.

I'm sorry if I sounded flippant, I don't mean to be. For so many people it's a massive financial squeeze and they need to both work. For others, they love their job and would really miss it. But we really planned before having kids, financially, to give us options, which we now have. We have had friends with life limiting diagnoses and it really makes you think what's important in life.

Personally I think you need to think long term. I changed career after dc1 because I couldn't juggle both (no p/t or flexi option). The first job I got offered was below the cost of childcare but DH & I didn't see it as problem as it was a stepping stone & we could cover the cost together. I now have a good job with prospects that's pretty much TTO. The pay is still not as good as my old career but it will improve & both my dc are now in education so childcare is significantly reduced.

In today's job climate I think it can be very difficult to take a break & get back in at the same level.

But why would you be out of pocket?

All money earned is family money and childcare comes out of this pot.

Or do you not share finances?

@Bourbonbiccy

I could never imagine giving up my career to stay at home, but my son arrived and I simply couldn't go back.

I knew the risk and decided it was a risk I was more than willing to take. I would have hated to have missed that time with my son, you never get it back and it is brilliant. It's great that we have the choice now.

You don't loose yourself unless your only self is work to begin with. I am still me, I still research the areas Im interested in. People who say you have nothing to talk about after being a SAHM. obviously only spoke about work to begin with, I never did that with my hubby or friends anyway, we chatted about mutual interests.

I think the problem initially is, we are driven to believe value is only measured on a monetary level. If we are not earning we are not bringing anything to the partnership, but you are, just by being at home with your child is bringing value to the partnership and yourself.

I think the misconception is that SAHP, do just that, stay at home with their child all day, don't talk to others, don't have the capacity to still be involved in their interests or continue to educate themselves. It's not all nappies and monotonous baby talk. It's what you make of it most of the time.

Do what makes you happy and fulfilled.
I feel luckily to be able to live the life I choose

@Bourbonbiccy thank you!!!

My relationship isn't toxic so no worries there

Neither was mine before I had babies, quit work and became a sahm. Then emotional and financially controlling abuse began, and I wasn't allowed to go back to work. It took me a long time to get back into a half decent job, and 10 years post-divorce I'm working ft for not even close to what I was earning before I left on maternity leave.

Don't become a SAHM if you don't have access to his finances.

At the very least, you both need a long talk about how you would cover your own pension and how finances will be shared (ideally all in the same pot with you both having equal access).

@MotherofPickles

Yes, I gave up work. Well I took a 4 year career break, for security, but I'm about to resign as I can't extend it and I'm enjoying being a SAHM so much. My social life has significantly improved with mums I've met through playgroups. I'm so glad I've got to experience the first few years of my little ones' lives. Yes, our relationship dynamic has changed, I rely on an allowance from OH, which was initially daunting but seems normal now. I've had to cut back on stuff. I've only bought myself two items of new clothing in four years and I cut and colour my own hair rather than going to a hairdresser, among other things. But it's all been small sacrifices compared to being with my kids. My only concern is that I have very little pension, as apart from part time jobs, I've only worked for 4 years of my life, having done a degree and then a PhD. Once I'm back at work I'm going to have to save extra hard to ensure I have enough in the pot for retirement.

Sorry but this sounds horrific. Has your partner also only bought two items of clothing in four years and does he cut his own hair? If not, then what example are you (plural, I mean you as a couple) setting to your children about what it means to be a family? I personally could never be a SAHM for many reasons but of course can see that it’s right for some people-but your set up sounds like everything that women on here are cautioned against! From your wording it sounds like you’re not married which would mean you have zero security, you’re not paying into a private pension and your ‘allowance’ doesn’t even cover clothing yourself properly. Posts like this honestly make me want to cry. If you’re at home devoting yourself to bringing up your shared children then why on earth don’t you have access to your family money to get your bloody hair cut?! Does your partner want you to be at home?

I don’t mean to be rude, I’m just a bit shocked at your post.

Oh & I also love/loved having 3 days away from the dc!

@HazelWong

Have you worked out how much you would earn with two or three days a week? I am surprised that it would be worth it for full time but not for less as the way the tax works out, you bring home more than 40% of your salary for 2 days a week.

@HazelWong in all honesty it wouldn't particularly be worth it either way!!

I wouldn't decide now. Go back to work and give it 3 months to see how you feel.

You might find that you enjoy the freedoms you'll have not being a SAHM. If not then you've really not lost anything.

I worked part time after my dd was born. I've done it for the last six years and honestly I've found it so hard. Juggling childcare, work, household stuff, guilt for not being with my dd, guilt for not being at work, worrying about calling in sick when she's been ill, going into work when I'm ill to make up time for absence for child sickness, missing school plays and nativities. I'm pregnant again and have no plans to go back this time until this one is older. Working and mothering often means you're spread very very thinly.