to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

@1ucia

I didn’t say I had a 20 strong property portfolio. You just take examples literally. In fact, I haven’t referred to my personal situation at all, unlike most people. I’m talking about what I see around me - in an area with a high proportion of SAHMs. If you doubt me on this, come to areas if SW London such as Barnes, Putney, etc and see the pram jam for yourself . I’ve had 4 DC going through school, so you obviously get to know most of the mums in their year groups and at primary level certainly, maybe 80% are SAHMs. I could speak for my neighbours, family friends and all sorts. None of them fit the MN stereotype of SAHMs. Yet SAHMs they are and as real as any other. I’ve been “at home” 17 years with 4 kids and no help. If I don’t know how it feels, I’m not sure who does.

Sorry, I misread your comment about 20 renovated properties. The fact still remains, though, that you're talking about a very small minority of privileged people. It really doesn't matter that they don't fit whatever "stereotype" that you think MN has for SAHMs (and actually I think we get enough of them posting on the website to understand that they're not all the same).

If you see people warning women about the potential pitfalls of giving up work and you actually know you're fine because you have so much independent passive wealth, they're not talking about you. And you, or these women you're referring to, are not going to get much sympathy on here if your only complaint is that nobody on here gets just how independently wealthy you/they are. We're talking about women who might get fucked over, as many who have posted here have been. We need, as I keep saying, a wide range of experiences. I don't understand why you are so determined to be offended that women in less privileged circles than yours wouldn't always recommend the same course of action.

A lot if it comes down to attitude and the way couples relate to each other. Maybe the OP and her DH are similar to us? My DH has no concept of the money being his. Yes he prefers to have a wife at home and some people would run a mile from that and fair enough, but we wouldn’t have had 4 kids otherwise. We’re better like this and it’s the way we are. As for perspectives, my mum was a SAHM in very very different circumstances in a very poor, rural area abroad, but she was amazing.

I think times are quite different to 10 or 20 yrs ago. Personally I wouldn't be a SAHP regardless of what my DH earns. I work p/t & it's a good balance for me.

I'd go back part-time, even if it only covers the nursery fees. It's nice to have a break from being at home, no matter how lovely it can be. I went back between first and second child and was glad I did as it meant I have several less years gap on my CV. Those years go so quickly and before you know it, they are at school. I'm now a SAHM due to redundancy and hoping it is only temporary. If you do stay at home, have an eye on the future. What do you want ten years down the line? Don't just think about being at home with little ones, will it affect your future? How is your pension provision?

And think about any future jobs. Are they are any online courses you can do to maintain/update any skills? Can you start your own small business? Make sure your CV is up to date, and you can think of examples from your old roles for any future interview questions.

@dontdisturbmenow
Its not a negative judgement of sahm in general.

For one, there's a difference between sahms who go back to work when the youngest start school and those who are still sahm when the kids are late teenagers.

There's also a difference between sahm married to men who make very good money and those who struggle to earn enough to pay for all the bills.

Judgy judgy judgy judgy.
Who died and put you in charge of legitimising other women’s choices?
Bless you, you just proved my point

Anyway dontdisturbmenow I wish you good luck and all the best with your life choices.

SunnyMummy77

Sorry, but you said, and I quote:

"Some working mummies will judge you - but only the sad narrow minded ones who think going to work all day is all that matters in life."

Do you know how offensive and narrow-minded that sounds?

I have to work all day. Literally have to for my daughter's survival. There is no one else who can do that for me. This isn't because I think "going to work all day is all that matters". It's because I have to.

I can appreciate that there are valid reasons why people who don't have to go to work all day may choose not to. And I can understand people making their case robustly for this in a discussion like this.

But I have tried to be respectful of people's reasons for choosing not to go to work and I expect the same courtesy in return. Not people trotting out offensive and old-fashioned stereotypes.

@thepeopleversuswork

Yes exactly - I said ONLY narrow minded working mums will JUDGE SAHMs, with ONLY being the operative word.

This is clearly not the same as saying ALL working mums will judge SAHMs.

I would equally call a SAHM mum who JUDGES a working mum sad and narrow minded - because really it’s a personal choice that should be respected either way, and judging each other on whether we work or SAH is pathetic IMO. There so much more to being a mum and a person than that.

Hats off to you for working hard to support your daughter. I think that’s admirable.

But I do think you are looking to take offence for the sake of it and that some of your comments towards me have been unnecessarily hostile and unpleasant.

@thepeopleversuswork

Think you have read my comment as working mums go to work because they think working all day is all that matter but that is definitely not what I was saying AT ALL. And definitely not what I believe.

I said ONLY narrow minded working mums will JUDGE SAHMs, with ONLY being the operative word. This is clearly not the same as saying ALL working mums will judge SAHMs.

This is all a bit "no true Scotsman", I'm afraid. It's just a vehicle for a lame insult.

@ShebaShimmyShake

No, it really isn’t. Some people just desperate to take offence, and find other mothers to attack and gang up on online I think.

It's a bit like I said that SOME women might choose to spend more time with children if they had an option, even stating that MANY will not but I was told that I was absurd for saying one way of life would suit ALL women, which wasn't anything like what I said

@Rainraincomeback

Ok well let’s agree to disagree because I think it was clear what I was saying and don’t think there was anything confusing about the word some.

Looks like a group of mums on here got bored of ganging up on another mum who was previously taking so much flak - and not sure she deserved it. I’m signing off now - enjoy being offended by everything and finding mums to gang up on under the pretence of taking offence!! This is starting to put me in a bad mood so no longer for me - I will not be checking back in!!

If it was really such a great deal for PTers and SAHPs, far, far more men WOULD do it!

Some men do. Mine works as few hours as he can and ours are older now, but he's only ever worked min hours a week.
Money isn't important to him/ me, but our family are.

Live your life the way you want to, we are all allowed to choose our own paths, with our own priorities and values.

Do what you want OP, there is some good advice on the pitfalls here already. I was considering leaving work when I was on mat leave, but we split up just before I was due to go back, and I'm really glad I've kept working.

@Rainraincomeback

Oh god - sorry ignore my last post I completely misread what you were saying and thought you were ganging up - can now see that you weren’t at all! To be honest only read the first couple of lines and thought oh here we go - another person determined to pile on! And then had a rant!

Am going to have to try and make myself get off this thread now - although harder said than done turns out it’s pretty addictive even when it’s not making me particularly happy!

Some men do. Mine works as few hours as he can and ours are older now, but he's only ever worked min hours a week

There's a huge difference between working minimum hours in a full-time job to giving up your job completely and making yourself economically dependent on your partner. Hardly any men choose the latter.

Hi again. No doubt there will be more if these threads in the future, but hopefully we can just recognise that we’re all doing our best. No such thing as a typical SAHM and no such thing as a typical WOHM either.

When I was working, it was in Child Protection anyway, so obviously, once my own kids came along, leaving my own kids to go and work with someone else’s in nightmare scenarios suddenly just seemed too stressful and too much of a switch iyswim. I mean, I would be up in the night worrying about my baby switching to formula or something, then going to work to find babies born addicted to heroin and needing emergency foster carers. Too much. DH had said, when we had kids he didn’t want me doing that anymore. He’s always said he preferred me at home for the kids. In his culture, this is the norm so he would think it was very strange if I hadn’t wanted that (so lucky I did). It wouldn’t have occurred to him that I’d be returning to work. Literally he never even mentioned it in all these years. He was never on a salary as such and he’s been self-employed since DC1 came. There was no question of asking him to cut his hours and he just worked when and as he needed to inc. weekends and evenings or on holiday. Sometimes he would go to the Middle East for a month, or something like that. He travelled all the time for maybe 12 years until they sold the main company. But he was always involved in about ten businesses at any one time and I had no idea what was going on really because it was like shifting sands. We’ve always shared everything though and I had full access to accounts. He never asks me what I spend or why, so no issues around money. I had 4 kids with 2 year gaps between them so it was about 9 years before they were all in school and they were all in different schools too at one point. I have no family in UK, but I have had to deal with his mother moving locally in recent years, which is a mixed blessing, shall we say. So I don’t actually know if me not working was choice or no choice really - probably a bit of both.

Hardly any men choose the latter.

Are you surprised? They are looked down upon and called cocklodgers.
I thought sahm's had it tough until i met a few sahd's.

@Devlesko

Hardly any men choose the latter.

Are you surprised? They are looked down upon and called cocklodgers.
I thought sahm's had it tough until i met a few sahd's.

Women were called all sorts of names, dumped by their husbands, disowned by their families, and much else besides, when they struggled for the right to work outside the home.

Yet they did it. Because they believed in it and were prepared to put up with the consequences. Society has changed as a result, very much for the better. But women certainly didn't wait around for men to approve their choices, and that's a good thing too. Social change rarely comes easily for those at the forefront.

If men really wanted to be house husbands, they'd do the same. But they don't.

I do think there are strong cultural pressures on men though. Definitely. Maybe in UK society there’s gradually less of a stigma on SAHDs, but where DH comes from, for instance, this would not be happening and there are huge swathes if the world like this. The ridicule would come from women as much as men.

I agree that men are probably less biologically inclined to SAH, but there is still stigma on those who might. Far more so then women working, that’s for sure.

IcedPurple

We'll have to beg to differ, still lots of divorces and women doing everything, plus working.

I did it when I was pregnant with my eldest.
I now have 4 children and have been a SAHM for 19 years and I've loved every minute.