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Original poster

to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

947 replies

allthemteeth · 22/08/2020 16:40

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

OP posts:
Newuser123123 · 22/08/2020 19:13

A really good question someone asked on here was:
"When was the last time you went to the hairdressers or dentist"

I wouldn't be a SAHM without complete access to all finances and full expectations that they be used to meet everyone's basic needs.

Original poster
allthemteeth · 22/08/2020 19:13

@Mamia15

But why would you be out of pocket?

All money earned is family money and childcare comes out of this pot.

Or do you not share finances?

@Mamia15 yep all money is currently shared. Both of our wages are paid into the joint account. DH leaves the control of finances to me. I work in accounts so I think he thinks I enjoy to sorting money Grin

I mean I'd be out of pocket in the sense that returning to work would cover child care so I doubt I'd be left with anything else from my wage.

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 22/08/2020 19:13

OP, you've clearly made up your mind and indeed it want your choice validated. There's nothing wrong with the choice you are making. It clearly is what you believe is the right one for you and that's fine.

But assume your choice. If things go wrong and you end up with having to move out of your house take any little job you can get don't be one of those mums on the divorce and separation board, who cry about how everything is unfair, how they should be entitled to this and that and shouldn't be or slides for having been a sahm, which of course, all claim wasn't their choice in the first place.

Savananan · 22/08/2020 19:15

Working and mothering often means you're spread very very thinly.

To be fair that depends on the job.

Original poster
allthemteeth · 22/08/2020 19:16

@cinammonbuns

OP you seem to only be responding to the very few nonsensical comments in the thread and not acknowledging any of the numerous good points people have brought up.

It seems you have already made your mind up and simply wanted people to validate your decision.

And I would be interested to know which super secure industry your husband is in that never even closed throughout COVID and was able to give staff a pay rise. But I’m sure you won’t say as it would ‘be too outing’.

@cinammonbuns

And I would be interested to know which super secure industry your husband is in that never even closed throughout COVID and was able to give staff a pay rise. But I’m sure you won’t say as it would ‘be too outing’.

This is a bizarre thing to say. Do you think I'm making it up.
Hmm

OP posts:
UnicornAndSparkles · 22/08/2020 19:16

I hated the thought of leaving my LG and ended up having almost 2 years off with her. I left my job but was rehired by the same company in a very similar role, but part time, when she was 22 months and I felt more comfortable sending her to nursery. I never imagined that would happen but it worked out really well. You never know what the future holds; give yourself some time and think about it in a few months

RainbowMum11 · 22/08/2020 19:17

Personally, I have seen a lot of women absolutely shafted by giving up work /careers because their 'DH' aren't enough and they weren't ever going to split up.
It's not just the money for now, it is your future earning potential, and pension contributions and also if you are always the default childcare, if the worst does happen then it is unlikely that your H will step up to cover holidays, sickness etc.
Think longer term.

angelfishrock · 22/08/2020 19:18

OP, you've clearly made up your mind and indeed it want your choice validated.

my thoughts too. good luck with it, OP you may need it!

binkydinky · 22/08/2020 19:19

Do you qualify for the 30 hours?

Windyjuly · 22/08/2020 19:19

Re adult interaction, I had loads as sahm, through class's with dc or toddler groups etc... Our little memberships.
Every day I spoke to adults.
Interesting point about someone saying how identity surely is more and not just defined than the job you do?

I think there is a lot of drama about only 2 maybe 3 years out of the job market.

binkydinky · 22/08/2020 19:19

There's also tax free childcare but i'm unsure of the rules.

angelfishrock · 22/08/2020 19:20

Do you qualify for the 30 hours? that applies only after 3 in any case and not now.

Original poster
allthemteeth · 22/08/2020 19:20

@angelfishrock

OP, you've clearly made up your mind and indeed it want your choice validated.

my thoughts too. good luck with it, OP you may need it!

I don't need anyone to Validate my choices. That's nonsense!

I just wanted to hear other people's opinions / stories.

I didn't expect to be reading that if I don't go back to work I'll become boring, my husband will cheat and I'll end up a single mother with no pension, working in a super market.... 🙄

OP posts:
Windyjuly · 22/08/2020 19:22

Op, whatever you decide, you can switch and change. Your not signing up to anything for life.

Rightthen24 · 22/08/2020 19:23

That's real life 😂

Dozer · 22/08/2020 19:23

On finance, it’s important to consider the medium and long term, eg likelihood of finding it hard to secure reasonably paid work after a break, pension.

Fathers with a SAHM are taking v little risk, except as regards custody. They can work as though they had no DC, progress at work, keeps their earning power. Almost all the risks are on the SAHM.

Lelophants · 22/08/2020 19:26

Just going through this same thing. It feels weird. But strangely a sense of relief! My difference is that I am still looking at some other things to do :)

Original poster
allthemteeth · 22/08/2020 19:27

@Lelophants

Just going through this same thing. It feels weird. But strangely a sense of relief! My difference is that I am still looking at some other things to do :)
@Lelophants yes me too!! I've got a few things in mind to try :)
OP posts:
GeorginaTheGiant · 22/08/2020 19:27

@chubbyhotchoc

I worked part time after my dd was born. I've done it for the last six years and honestly I've found it so hard. Juggling childcare, work, household stuff, guilt for not being with my dd, guilt for not being at work, worrying about calling in sick when she's been ill, going into work when I'm ill to make up time for absence for child sickness, missing school plays and nativities. I'm pregnant again and have no plans to go back this time until this one is older. Working and mothering often means you're spread very very thinly.
Are you a single parent? Because I work four days and so does my DH as I said upthread and honestly I have never felt spread thinly. I feel it’s the best of both worlds but my husband is genuinely a 50% parent. I would feel very differently if he wasn’t, I imagine.
cinammonbuns · 22/08/2020 19:27

@allthemteeth

Well maybe you didn’t expect to hear that but that is what people on this threa their own experience as SAHM have said happened to them. If you want to ignore them and only one to focus on the positives then that’s your prerogative.

But don’t come on a public forum and ask for advice and experience and then get angry when you are given it.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 22/08/2020 19:28

My husband quit work to be a SAHD and now we are really regretting it as he cannot get back into work. He took 5 years out, then thought he'd be able to get back to work easily, that was 2 years ago. And pre covid. No one will have him now. Be warned!

Lelophants · 22/08/2020 19:28

Mumsnet is very anti SAHM op 😄😄👍
Apparently waiting until your child is 2 before you return for the workplace means you must have a hideous relationship and your husband must hate you and want to cheat on you.

titchy · 22/08/2020 19:30

Just make sure your dh pays into a pension for you.

Lelophants · 22/08/2020 19:31

It's actually made me consider it more. The kind of man who would do that isn't going to stop because you send your baby to nursery and work stupid hours in a job you hate.
I hate the shame put on women doing this. As long as you have a plan and idea to go back, take this time and try to enjoy it as it doesn't last long!

binkydinky · 22/08/2020 19:34

Our plan is hopefully in the future I will do 4 days & so will DH, that would be a good balance for both of us.

People who say you have nothing to talk about after being a SAHM

I don't think that's necessarily true but I think for some SAHPs their world shrinks.

It’s not about bigger house or bigger car. I find this attitude infuriating. It’s about protecting yours and your family’s financial security. It’s crazy to be totally dependent on someone else financially.

I enjoy and am good at it too!

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