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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this an emotional affair

188 replies

Stressedup · 22/08/2020 06:24

My partner talks to a woman online every day. Up to 10hrs a day chatting all through the day. He will stay up all night talking to her, even though we have a 7 month old.
So he sleeps all day and I am left with the baby.

He says they are just friends. But he has also called her beautiful and said her boyfriend was "so fucking lucky" and that if he was single he would probably be interested.
He tells me every day that she is nicer than me. He tells her every detail of our fights. He tells me she is more important to him right now because we have been fighting.

My mil (his mum) says I have no right to ask him to dial back the intensity of this friendship to save our relationship. He agrees.
We have been fighting but I am willing to do anything to fix this. He is not even willing to say he cares. He says staying is showing he cares.

They both say this does not constitute an emotional affair.
Aibu

Yabu= not an emotional affair
Yanbu= definitely an emotional affair

OP posts:
joystir59 · 22/08/2020 06:25

Yes he is having an emotional affair. He is completely disrespecting you.

ClaraJude · 22/08/2020 06:26

Absolutely an emotional affair (and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it was more than that) and, perhaps even more fundamentally, he just sounds like a really horrible person who doesn’t like you much.

I think this relationship is over OP. It’s a hard thing to face but you deserve so much better than this.

Original poster
Stressedup · 22/08/2020 06:28

I know it isn't more only because we live in the UK and she is in US. Hence the staying up all night.

OP posts:
Fizzysours · 22/08/2020 06:29

I think you should leave him. The mother in law sounds very stupid. I expect she has backed every ridiculous thing he has ever done, and she's created a hideous man-sized baby. Kick him out so you can enjoy your real beautiful baby without this horrible humiliating stress. YES this is an affair. A blatant one.

Redraptor · 22/08/2020 06:32

Fuck that. Take your baby and run. You deserve way better

Wigglegiggle0520 · 22/08/2020 06:32

What @Fizzysours said

I think you should leave him. The mother in law sounds very stupid. I expect she has backed every ridiculous thing he has ever done, and she's created a hideous man-sized baby. Kick him out so you can enjoy your real beautiful baby without this horrible humiliating stress. YES this is an affair. A blatant one.

How old are you OP? And how old is he? Have you been together from a young age?

You deserve better. And so does your baby.
Flowers

Footlooseandfancy · 22/08/2020 06:32

It's an emotional affair. What a wanker for treating you and your baby like this. If he can't prioritise you, I'd be out of there.

It's probably a sweaty hairy bloke pretending to be a woman anyway.

Original poster
Stressedup · 22/08/2020 06:33

I'm 30 and we've been together 11 years.
He is only the 2nd guy I've ever gone out with. That's why I dont want to break up. Sad

I just feel like I'm being made a fool of.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 22/08/2020 06:34

Totally is an emotional affair. He's checked out of your relationship already.

Wallywobbles · 22/08/2020 06:35

You are. So pack his bags. He's no use to you as it is so you might as well get rid. Otherwise you are just giving him permission to do this again and again. No one else gets to decide your boundaries EVER.

MoseShrute · 22/08/2020 06:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

MoseShrute · 22/08/2020 06:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 22/08/2020 06:38

What does it matter whether his behaviour constitutes an 'emotional affair'? It's a meaningless term, as acceptable behaviours will differ from person to person, as will opinions on appropriate consequences for unacceptable behaviours.

The simple fact is, he's acting in a way that makes you unhappy, so you need to decide whether he's crossed your personal boundaries, and if so, decide what you think is an appropriate action to take. You don't need permission from an internet forum to find his behaviour unacceptable, and there's no requirement to put a label on it to make it legitimately unacceptable either.

He's showing no signs of having much in the way of respect for you. Simply staying could as well be down to the fact he has no other option as it is that he cares about you as his top priority. His behaviour suggests you're not, so you need to decide what you're going to do next.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 22/08/2020 06:43

If that's not an emotional affair then I dont know what is. He is being a shit partner as its completely disrespectful, as well as a shit parent if he would rather be up chatting to someone every night than getting enough sleep so he can look after the baby.

It doesn't matter what he says at this point, even if he declared his undying love, his actions show he doesn't care as if he did he would have stopped this weird relationship.

I think you need ti leave for your own self respect

Caterinaballerina · 22/08/2020 06:44

Who is the woman? Is it chatting online with effectively a stranger or is she an old friend? Just trying to work out if it’s an emotional affair they are both invested in or just him? You deserve so much better, if you leave him to it some self reflection on what a sad life he’s leading and the happy life right in front of him that he’s missing out on and opting out of will serve him right.

Original poster
Stressedup · 22/08/2020 06:45

He knows her from an online game they both play. He has known her about a year but the intensity has kicked up massively this year.

OP posts:
ClaraJude · 22/08/2020 06:46

You’re so young, OP. You have every chance of meeting someone different if you leave him. He’s totally taking you for granted and seeing how far he can push you because he thinks he has you trapped.

Don’t feel that because you’ve already spent 11 years with him you need to stick it out or that time will he wasted. That’s a sunk cost fallacy - you’ve already incurred the time and can’t make up for it by sticking around. And it hadn’t been wasted, because you have your baby.

Take your baby and start afresh - you’re only about a third of the way through your life, god willing, and you have more than enough time to be happy. You really don’t want to spend the rest of your years with an unfaithful man who is horrible to you.

RandomTree · 22/08/2020 06:47

This is completely out of order OP. If he won't stop contacting her your marriage is over. And your MIL needs to butt out!

OnceUponATimeInHollywood · 22/08/2020 06:47

From my experience, there is a way back from this. He hasn't actually physically cheated. It's whether he wants to make things work. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 22/08/2020 06:49

Let me tell you this straight:

  • NONE of this is normal or reasonable, regardless of which DP and MIL claim (the friendship, the sleeping all day, not helping with his child)
  • you need to leave him
  • you need to leave him ASAP
  • it doesn’t matter if you’ve been together 11 days, weeks, months or years.
Original poster
Stressedup · 22/08/2020 06:56

In fairness to my mother in law, I asked for her help because I had nobody else to talk to. I did expect her to say he should stop talking to her but she seems to think that because they're just talking and havent said they're "into" each other then it's not cheating. And he is not willing to give her up because she is his only friend. I still think friends dont need each other all day every day.

OP posts:
anxietyaunt · 22/08/2020 06:56

Threads like this really upset me. The man is clearly having an emotional affair and is gaslighting the OP. And his mother is backing him. What a pair of peaches. Sorry, OP. His attitude sucks and unless he has a massive personality adjustment and takes your feelings into consideration I doubt he’s going to change.

MsDogLady · 22/08/2020 06:59

Definitely an emotional affair. He is prioritizing this OW and is making a mockery of you and neglecting the baby. A future with him will diminish you beyond recognition. What a terrible relationship model to show DD. Are you in a position to leave? If not, show him the door.

NuovaMoi · 22/08/2020 07:00

The only way to save your relationship is to walk a mile away. If he’s worth it he’ll see the error of his ways, chase you, and then you can fix things. If he doesn’t you’ll be a mile away and the better for it too

Uninspiredusername · 22/08/2020 07:01

Oh OP this is awful. Not only has he checked out of the relationship but he’s clearly checked out of parenting, and your child will eventually see that his dads behaviour is clearly “acceptable” in some way if you don’t take action. Especially if your MIL is basically condoning it.
For the sake of your self esteem and your wellbeing, seek out help from your family and friends and get the hell out of there.

Best of luck - you and your child deserve so much more.