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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this an emotional affair

188 replies

Stressedup · 22/08/2020 06:24

My partner talks to a woman online every day. Up to 10hrs a day chatting all through the day. He will stay up all night talking to her, even though we have a 7 month old.
So he sleeps all day and I am left with the baby.

He says they are just friends. But he has also called her beautiful and said her boyfriend was "so fucking lucky" and that if he was single he would probably be interested.
He tells me every day that she is nicer than me. He tells her every detail of our fights. He tells me she is more important to him right now because we have been fighting.

My mil (his mum) says I have no right to ask him to dial back the intensity of this friendship to save our relationship. He agrees.
We have been fighting but I am willing to do anything to fix this. He is not even willing to say he cares. He says staying is showing he cares.

They both say this does not constitute an emotional affair.
Aibu

Yabu= not an emotional affair
Yanbu= definitely an emotional affair

OP posts:
LilyLongJohn · 22/08/2020 07:04

OP every single response on here is saying the same. Leave this man! It's an emotional affair and he's being hugely disrespectful to you and your baby!

Leave and enjoy this time with your baby rather than living in a shitty environment with a shitty bloke.

Ok so he's the second man you've ever been out with. So what? Does that mean he gets to treat you so bad?

FippertyGibbett · 22/08/2020 07:10

Why do you put up with this ?
Do you want your child to grow up seeing it’s father treating you like this ?

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 22/08/2020 07:10

In fairness to my mother in law, I asked for her help because I had nobody else to talk to. I did expect her to say he should stop talking to her but she seems to think that because they're just talking and havent said they're "into" each other then it's not cheating. And he is not willing to give her up because she is his only friend. I still think friends dont need each other all day every day

If I was being extremely generous to both of them, I'd say that they're within their rights to tell you that you have no right to dictate who he can and can't be friends with, however, it's clear that his behaviour is way beyond the normal bounds of 'having a friend'. Most folk don't spend 10+ hours a day involved in one-to-ones with their bestie, especially not those with a partner and a child.

I think you're too caught up in trying to establish that there's something inappropriate about the nature of this friendship, i.e. something sexual, a mutual attraction etc, when the reality is that the problem stems from the sheer amount of time he's spending involved with this 'friend', the fact he's ignoring you and his child, and that he's doing it at hours that mean inconvenience for everyone else and diminish his ability to function as a partner, father, and normal daytime human being.

If he was single and childless, then I think he would be entirely at liberty to behave like this, but he's not, and he clearly has responsibilities that he's not devoting an appropriate amount of time and attention to. That in itself is plenty enough reason for you to be unhappy about the situation.

TitsOutForHarambe · 22/08/2020 07:15

Wtf?! Jesus Christ OP, take your baby and get out of there.

Nobody deserves to live like this. His behaviour is disgusting and you shouldn't have to put up with this from the father of your child. Get rid of him.

What's your financial situation? Do you work? If not, check how much support you could get on your own. Start applying for things and get everything in place ASAP.

Raindancer411 · 22/08/2020 07:15

It is an EA. My husband had this happen to him before he met me. He had barely been married for a year and she started to stay up all night on a game and talking to someone and slept through the day. One Xmas day she turned around to him and said she needed a lift to the airport as she was flying out to see him. She had never flown in her life so the will to see this guy was strong.

I would say find someone who appreciates you and your little one x

MadameMeursault · 22/08/2020 07:16

What @XDownwiththissortofthingX said.

Does he find time in his packed day to work? Or is he sponging off you too? He’s got to go OP. Do you own a house or rent?

Original poster
Stressedup · 22/08/2020 07:18

We rent. He lost his job in Dec and has been suffering with depression since then. He has applied to go back to college because a lack of qualifications is hindering his job search. I was actually really proud of him for that. Sad
I'm on mat leave so we're on UC, which we weren't before he lost his job.

OP posts:
FippertyGibbett · 22/08/2020 07:20

Do you have any family of your own to talk to, or any close friends ?

MrDarcysMa · 22/08/2020 07:30

He's making a mug of you. Even if you give him an Ultimatum he'll keep talking to her in secret Run.

Twiningalldaylong · 22/08/2020 07:30

It's an emotional affair but there can be a way back from it. I think to be charitable to him it sounds like his life is upside down with the redundancy and new babies and the change they bring can.be really hard for some.people.to.cope with. Having said that, it has to stop. I think you need to lay down what you want to happen and what will happen if he doesn't step up. You don't have to put up with it any longer. It is absolutely not acceptable for him to discuss your relationship with another woman and for him to ignore you and his baby in favour of another woman.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 22/08/2020 07:35

Depression is hell, and it's common for men to hide away from it by burying themselves in pastimes like gaming that don't demand much of them other than a bit of attention, I recognise his behaviour. That doesn't mean that it's ok for him to abdicate his responsibilities to you and your child though.

Playing computer games all day and chatting to online friends is a lot easier and less demanding than job hunting or going to college, but even if it's true that his lack of qualifications is hurting his job prospects, be honest with yourself. Has he actually applied for that many posts to begin with, and even if he does go to college, do you honestly think he'll dedicate appropriate time and effort to that when he's obsessed with spending all night in his online world speaking to his online pal?

Has he actually done anything to address his depression, or is he just hiding away from it in the hope it all miraculously resolves itself?

You need to find out what he's actually doing to deal with his depression, make it clear that his behaviour is not appropriate, his circumstances aren't tenable, and that there's no way he's going to be able to hold down a job or give a college course the attention it deserves when he's online 10+ hours a day and has a partner and a child to consider.

I think it's clear he either has no idea about how far out of line he is, or he does, and he either doesn't care, or is finding it far too easy to hide from his obvious real world problems by disappearing off into the internet all day and night. If you're not at the point where you're already about to walk away from him, then surely you need to spell it out to him in clear and concise terms where he's falling short, and exactly what he has to do to start holding up his end of the bargain.

You are not obliged to stay with him, it's clear you're unhappy, and I think you have to have a long think to yourself and ponder what it is exactly that is making you frightened to leave this relationship, because the way you describe him, it doesn't appear to be anything that your partner is bringing to it that is causing your reluctance to leave.

Shoxfordian · 22/08/2020 07:37

He's taking the piss
Can you stay with family?

HollowTalk · 22/08/2020 07:38

He's not depressed! By saying that he's got you running around after him. He is a lazy entitled arse. Send him back to his mother.

Somethingkindaoooo · 22/08/2020 07:39

Even if you ignore his blatant emotional affair, the way he speaks to you is surely not what you want for the rest of your life?

Mammyloveswine · 22/08/2020 07:42

What an absolute piece of shit!

Kick him out.

Damn bloody cheek. And as for his mothers attitude, totally shitty!

He's obviously not involved with the baby if he's spending all that time talking to this woman-how does he even know her?? Does he not work?

Op you deserve so much more.

redcarbluecar · 22/08/2020 07:42

It’s not so much whether it’s an emotional affair as the inappropriateness of it all- spending so much time online, not acknowledging this as problematic behaviour, crossing boundaries regarding what’s discussed. This is the behaviour of a single person, which is perhaps what he’d prefer to be. Does he bring anything positive to your life whatsoever; anything worth keeping him for?

Dontcarewhatmyusernameis · 22/08/2020 07:43

10+ hours is an insane amount of time and it’s shocking he’s basically doing night shifts to keep up his relationship with this woman, prioritising her far above and beyond his own wife and child! She’s his only friend is he? Well you’re his only wife, and the baby is his only baby! It sounds like he has never really grown up. This is an emotional affair taken to an extreme, please don’t put up with this.

LouiseTrees · 22/08/2020 07:43

@Stressedup

In fairness to my mother in law, I asked for her help because I had nobody else to talk to. I did expect her to say he should stop talking to her but she seems to think that because they're just talking and havent said they're "into" each other then it's not cheating. And he is not willing to give her up because she is his only friend. I still think friends dont need each other all day every day.
I know it’s a lie but tell her you suspect (definitely don’t say know/discovered) he sent her nudes. See what she says then.
Dontcarewhatmyusernameis · 22/08/2020 07:43

*partner not wife, apologies.
But still applies

Jaxinthebox · 22/08/2020 07:44

Get rid of him now, dont subject yourself or your child to this absolute nonsense. You are worth far more!

NoWordForFluffy · 22/08/2020 07:44

@Fizzysours

I think you should leave him. The mother in law sounds very stupid. I expect she has backed every ridiculous thing he has ever done, and she's created a hideous man-sized baby. Kick him out so you can enjoy your real beautiful baby without this horrible humiliating stress. YES this is an affair. A blatant one.
Couldn't have said it better.

LTB.

LouiseTrees · 22/08/2020 07:46

@Stressedup

We rent. He lost his job in Dec and has been suffering with depression since then. He has applied to go back to college because a lack of qualifications is hindering his job search. I was actually really proud of him for that. Sad I'm on mat leave so we're on UC, which we weren't before he lost his job.
So he lost his job and the the baby was born in quick succession and he feels like your priority is the baby and this woman’s priority is him. Do you have anyone that could look after the baby for a few hours so you can have a proper heart to heart? Not that you should need to but if he is depressed this might help.
Beautiful3 · 22/08/2020 07:47

You know its wrong. Kick him out. Please believe that you deserve better than this.

Stripesgalore · 22/08/2020 07:47

The sooner you leave him the more chance you have of meeting someone else.

I stayed far longer than I should have done. Huge mistake.

GreyishDays · 22/08/2020 07:48

Do you get seven hours a day to chat to friends and do what you want?

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