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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this an emotional affair

188 replies

Stressedup · 22/08/2020 06:24

My partner talks to a woman online every day. Up to 10hrs a day chatting all through the day. He will stay up all night talking to her, even though we have a 7 month old.
So he sleeps all day and I am left with the baby.

He says they are just friends. But he has also called her beautiful and said her boyfriend was "so fucking lucky" and that if he was single he would probably be interested.
He tells me every day that she is nicer than me. He tells her every detail of our fights. He tells me she is more important to him right now because we have been fighting.

My mil (his mum) says I have no right to ask him to dial back the intensity of this friendship to save our relationship. He agrees.
We have been fighting but I am willing to do anything to fix this. He is not even willing to say he cares. He says staying is showing he cares.

They both say this does not constitute an emotional affair.
Aibu

Yabu= not an emotional affair
Yanbu= definitely an emotional affair

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 22/08/2020 10:01

Please leave

Polnm · 22/08/2020 10:04

She is provably 20 years older and 5 stone heavier than any pictures he has seen or a man

loudev · 22/08/2020 10:07

Fuck that, I'd be gone.

CelestialSpanking · 22/08/2020 10:24

Get rid of him. I know you want to fix it and I totally understand why but the fact is, it’s not fixable because he is prioritising this woman above you and your child.

As for his mother who gives an actual fuck what she thinks? She’s clearly a fucking idiot with a massive blind spot when it comes to her cunt of a son.

Tappering · 22/08/2020 10:36

You say if you.move to Scotland then he would only see his child once or twice a year.

Firstly, why? Why wouldn't he make the effort to stay in touch with his own child - unless he's a shit dad.

Secondly, if he's up all night speaking to Miss USA and sleeping all day, then he's hardly seeing much of his child now, is he?

Finally, if they were genuinely loving grandparents they wouldn't be supporting him with an emotional affair, would they? Again, there's nothing to stop them from visiting and your child would have the benefit of your family relationships - which presumably are limited at the moment because of the distance?

I'd pack up and leave this weekend.

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2020 10:46

@Stressedup

I do have family but they're in Scotland while we're in the east of England. The plan was for us to save and move to scotland. If I go home to my family I'm taking my son away from his dad and his loving grandparents. And he would see his dad at best once or twice a year. Sad
Not ideal. But your husband has brought it on himself.

I wouldn't class his grandparents as 'loving' as they are condoning your husband's behaviour.

LEELULUMPKIN · 22/08/2020 10:49

You are right, he is making a complete fool of you.

Time to show him you are not.

maddening · 22/08/2020 11:12

He will not find a new job or complete a course sleeping all day, just as he is not being a parent or husband sleeping all day. Kick him out, get eow in place and get a chance to socialise on his contact weekends. You will be so much happier!

pooopypants · 22/08/2020 11:24

I made it as far as "10 hours talking to her"

He's a dick and he's checked out

Nottherealslimshady · 22/08/2020 11:27

Absolutely. He's choosing her over you. He needs to cut her off if he cares about you. I'd put money on it that if you left him he'd be straight over to her.

Sayitaint · 22/08/2020 11:29

This is not only an emotional affair, it's emotional abuse. Truly disgusting.

AIMD · 22/08/2020 11:32

@Stressedup

I do have family but they're in Scotland while we're in the east of England. The plan was for us to save and move to scotland. If I go home to my family I'm taking my son away from his dad and his loving grandparents. And he would see his dad at best once or twice a year. Sad
The alternative view is that if you move you’re taking your child away from some who is doing nothing for them (therefore showing little care for them) and is acting in an unkind and unhealthy way and grandparents who are condoning his behaviour. Moving would mean his main carer can be happier and surrounded by supportive family.

Also it’s not your responsibility to keep up his relationship with his dad when his dad is putting zero effort in. That’s a waste of time, just being close doesn’t mean there’s a worthwhile relationship.

malificent7 · 22/08/2020 11:34

Don't fight for this ' love'. Bin him off and find domeone better or enjiy the single life.
You can do this op...he is a complete fool.

Therollockingrogue · 22/08/2020 11:36

Oh op just take your baby and run and let this fuckwit continue living in his fantasy world.

malificent7 · 22/08/2020 11:38

I agree that the American 'woman' could be anyone and might even scam him out of money...do you really feel attraction for this moron? I couldn't!

KarmaStar · 22/08/2020 11:45

Of course he is having an affair up and Yanbu at all.
He is very disrespectful of you and you have to decide what you want moving forward.
He is not going to stop this so don't wait doing nothing and hoping he will suddenly stop.he wont.
Get you're finances and everything you need in order then chuck him out.Flowersyou are worth so much more.

Gurtcha · 22/08/2020 11:45

Send him back to his mummy OP. You can’t make this work. If he’s serious about being a decent father (he’s not), he’ll follow his child to Scotland. Your life will become dramatically much better once you’ve cut this waste of space loose.

Aneley · 22/08/2020 11:51

Of course he can't find a job if he spends 10h chatting online over night and then sleeping all day. Qualifications or no qualifications.

He's hugely disrespectful to you, and I honestly don't see how your son will suffer more seeing his dad 2x year (also, Scotland is not across the world, if he wanted to - he could see his son way more frequently) than being in the same house with his dad but completely ignored.

If you are willing to accept the humiliation of this kind of 'relationship', that's your choice... but do consider that your beloved son will grow up ignored by his father and thinking that this kind of behaviour is ok.
If it was me, I'd be on a train to Scotland this week.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 22/08/2020 11:52

Nobody with any self respect would put up with this bullshit. You will look back on your life and think why on earth did l allow myself to be treated like that if you stay. Run and don't look back taking your baby with you xx

VacMan · 22/08/2020 11:55

YABU to stay with someone who is making a complete fool of you.

He has no respect for you. Is that what you want your son to think is normal behaviour?

TheGirlWithAPrince · 22/08/2020 11:56

i used to game with this guy, we would talk all night and day and flirt and have e sex, i really liked him... turned out he had a wife and 2 kids and she was pregnant again. He promised me they were only living together and he wanted me -_- i didnt believe it and i left, found out that was all untrue when she messaged me asking how .... friendly our relationship had been : /

He is trying to make out like your crazy but your not. He is having an emotional affair and at the same time creating a horrible relationship with his child who is going to grow up with a emotionally distant dad. Run

RustyLeesBogBrush · 22/08/2020 11:58

He has definitely checked out....and your MIL is like every one that has babied her manchild. She will excuse everything he does, if he hit you she would say you made him do it.

Don’t stay and try and get him to pick you. It’s not worth it. What he has shared with this woman particularly about your lives together is so far over the line. It will be hard but do everything you can to get organised then go to your family. You need a support network before you move forwards, but please don’t stay regardless of what he says when you say you want out. Don’t let him gaslight or manipulate you.

Good luck.

AnotherBoredOne · 22/08/2020 12:00

End this. Leave now. It won't change.

Tistheseason17 · 22/08/2020 12:03

It is lovely that you want your son to have a good relationship with his Dad - but his Dad seems more interested in online woman. He'd probably have a new job if he invested as much energy in those efforts as he does online with her. Do you want your son growing up watching his Dad treat you like this and thinking it's normal and ok? It's not.

Pack your bags and go to your family in Scotland. He'll be straight on a plane to US for her as that is what he has indicated he would do if you weren't there. Take some time to see that you are important. Your wellbeing is a priority to caring for your son. LTB.

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/08/2020 12:03

Go home, take baby with you. No one deserves this treatment.