Is this an emotional affair

[Stressedup]

My partner talks to a woman online every day. Up to 10hrs a day chatting all through the day. He will stay up all night talking to her, even though we have a 7 month old.
So he sleeps all day and I am left with the baby.

He says they are just friends. But he has also called her beautiful and said her boyfriend was "so fucking lucky" and that if he was single he would probably be interested.
He tells me every day that she is nicer than me. He tells her every detail of our fights. He tells me she is more important to him right now because we have been fighting.

My mil (his mum) says I have no right to ask him to dial back the intensity of this friendship to save our relationship. He agrees.
We have been fighting but I am willing to do anything to fix this. He is not even willing to say he cares. He says staying is showing he cares.

They both say this does not constitute an emotional affair.
Aibu

Yabu= not an emotional affair
Yanbu= definitely an emotional affair

By moving out with the baby, you force him and his idiotic family to face a stark reality. Either they all start supporting your little family unit, or they can all bloody move to the US if they prefer. Make the choice clear, and put the ball firmly in their court.

Go, make him see a counsellor before you’ll even consider talk of coming back. No therapist told the truth of this level of contact with another woman is going to tell him it’s reasonable.

Now you’re stuck, with no support. Make a stand by heading to your parents. And start telling everyone the truth about him. He’ll get a few calls/visits telling him to give his head a wobble before he loses the best thing in his life forever. Stop keeping his dirty secrets, tell the world and enjoy their sympathy and shock. I’m not easily gobsmacked on MN, but your DP has managed it.

Move back to your family. You need a support system in place and he isn’t offering that. Scotland is easy by air or train, so monthly visits to Scotland would be manageable. He could always move there if he wished too. Build a new life for yourself.

Wow, I'd be laughing at what a foolish moron he is. I'd literally be stood there laughing at how he's been taken in by someone who probably isn't a woman, or is at least faking who they are no doubt. Next thing you'll know is he'll be getting asked for money and then he's a fool who fell for a romance scam. I would just be making fun of him. People can make friends online, but not this obsessive and at the loss of their real life. I'd also be pointing out that he's a shit father, just like his own dad, and he's got one week to 'break' up with his pathetic online life with a stranger he doesn't actually know or you're leaving.

Get angry at him op. Humiliate him if you have to. He needs a wake up call and if he won't wake up for his baby, he never will. At that point, you follow through on your promise and while he's sleeping, you leave. Go home to Scotland. Remove your self from any bills, remove yourself from his life. Start again. Who cares if he doesn't see his baby, he's a shite dad anyway. Your child will realise that when they are older.

Definitely an emotional affair. No one talks all night to a friend and then sleeps all day. Everyday. Also, he “applied to college” so does this mean he started a college course in December? Or is he still not at college? He should be working to help you and his son! He sounds like a layabout - playing video games all night, sleeping all day and not helping out with baby and the housework. I’d get rid. You deserve so so much better.

Spend a few days packing and collecting documents while he sleeps. If you left first thing you’d be with family by the end of the day.

If I go home to my family I'm taking my son away from his dad and his loving grandparents. And he would see his dad at best once or twice a year.

you mean your nasty and unsupportive MIL? your partner has zero interest in his child. he sleeps all day and doesn't engage. What difference does it make where you are???

and I agree. Move up to your family!

How would he feel if you were chatting online 10 hours a day to a man telling him he’s gorgeous, his girlfriend is so damn lucky and you’d be interested if he were single?

If he’s spending 10+ hours a day talking to this woman he’s obviously not interested in family life - would your son even notice he’s gone?

I would leave him. You and your son both deserve better than this.

@Stressedup

We rent. He lost his job in Dec and has been suffering with depression since then. He has applied to go back to college because a lack of qualifications is hindering his job search. I was actually really proud of him for that. I'm on mat leave so we're on UC, which we weren't before he lost his job.

No wonder he's not tackling his depression if he's sleeping all day and gaming all night. Unless he fixes that he'll never survive college

@Stressedup

I do have family but they're in Scotland while we're in the east of England. The plan was for us to save and move to scotland. If I go home to my family I'm taking my son away from his dad and his loving grandparents. And he would see his dad at best once or twice a year.

If hes time to chat online to an American woman for 10 hours a day then hes time to get his arse on a 5 hour train to Scotland.

I feel so sad for you.
He's totally emotionally distanced himself from both you and your child in favour of this woman. Very emotionally immature of him - he'd rather spend hours in fantasy land online than deal with his actual family.

His mother's reaction says a lot though - she's not going to be going against anything her little boy says, by the sound of it!

But you don't have to put up with this - and even though your family are quite far away, I'd still leave and go to them first. You haven't got any support from your H at the moment as it is, so you might as well take some time and be with someone who actually does give a shiny shit about you.

It could just be for a few weeks, initially - and see how he reacts to you being gone - but clearly his wanting to have a different life for his child than he had has gone out of the window in favour of the novelty of the "other woman".

If he doesn't pull his finger out in terms of apologising and trying to make amends, then I guess that's it in terms of your relationship - and then it's up to him to make it work for your child. You can't force him to be a good dad - that's down to him - but you can remind him that he never wanted to be a deadbeat dad so it's his call how he reacts.

Good luck

I would moved up up there at least to stay for a while , this perfect fantasy world he has created with a stranger, won't end until he hits a dose of reality .

He sounds awful. He’s not helping during the day, lost his job. His mother is not part of a loving family if she treats you so badly.

Would it help to imagine leaving him?

If you had to leave him by the end of the week, what would you need to do OP?

Pack documents?
Close accounts?
Would you be able to stay with family for a while?
Do you have potential to work in future?
Buy train tickets?
Move stuff?

You deserve better than this

Emotional affair x a million.

You deserve better. I would never call another man nice or handsome. I only have eyes for my husband. You just had his baby , you're the most beautiful woman in the world

Chuck him. Serious. What a pig

God, leave. This sounds horrendous, it’s 100% am emotional affair and you are getting nothing out of this. Better to have a failed relationship and your head held high than deal with this crap for a second longer!

You can either leave him with dignity or wait until he ditches you. He will eventually, maybe not for her but for someone else.

He has 100% checked out of the relationship with you and with your son. He has become nocturnal so he can openly spend all his time with someone he has told you is more important to him than you. He has sent her photos of you and your child against your wishes. His mother is supporting this behaviour.

He’s embracing student life (without the actual study?) so there is no way he can help support you and his child. He is showing you who he is.

There is no loving father or grandparent for your child to miss. You baby needs you to put him first.

He is a dickhead and disrespectful, who says that when restrictions are over or she is single he won’t disappear to her. You need to make plans and leave him and find somewhere to live .

He's retreated from reality and living in his little fantasy world where a lovely 'woman' (in reality probably a 45 year old bloke) strokes his fragile ego for him, telling him how great he is, allowing him to airbrush the reality that he's jobless, lazy and a useless, irresponsible father.

And what loving grandparents would you be taking the baby away from? He doesn't see his father and his mother cares more about mollycoddling her grown-up baby than supporting you and your little one. Ask him to move out for a while, to give you time to consider what you want, and how you want your life to be.

Op leave and go to your family with your baby. If you stay, and go back to work he could become primary carer for your baby, sharing the care with his mum. Then he can probably stop you leaving for Scotland and you’d have to pay child maintenance

I think XDownwiththissortofthingX has got it nailed.

Your partner is hiding from the real world. However you have just had a baby and that makes most women feel vulnerable and fragile at times. It's a huge life change.

If your partner is drooling over someone else and constantly telling you she is 'nicer' than you, it won't be long before you're also suffering from depression.

Can you get some space, perhaps by staying with family, while you decide what to do? You need to protect your emotional state - for your child as well as yourself.

Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it.

Your child will grow up thinking this is how partners treat each other.

He has you far away from your family, is lying and gas lighting you, and being backed up by his mother.

Take your baby and go back to your family. Make a new life for yourself. You'll look back and wonder why the hell you put up with this for so long, because you're worth so much more.