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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this an emotional affair

188 replies

Stressedup · 22/08/2020 06:24

My partner talks to a woman online every day. Up to 10hrs a day chatting all through the day. He will stay up all night talking to her, even though we have a 7 month old.
So he sleeps all day and I am left with the baby.

He says they are just friends. But he has also called her beautiful and said her boyfriend was "so fucking lucky" and that if he was single he would probably be interested.
He tells me every day that she is nicer than me. He tells her every detail of our fights. He tells me she is more important to him right now because we have been fighting.

My mil (his mum) says I have no right to ask him to dial back the intensity of this friendship to save our relationship. He agrees.
We have been fighting but I am willing to do anything to fix this. He is not even willing to say he cares. He says staying is showing he cares.

They both say this does not constitute an emotional affair.
Aibu

Yabu= not an emotional affair
Yanbu= definitely an emotional affair

OP posts:
Greenkit · 22/08/2020 08:30

Leave him

JorisBonson · 22/08/2020 08:32

Fuck that Him and his mother are mugging you off massively.

Boot him out and tell him to take his computer with him. He sounds like an awful partner and father.

Veryverycalmnow · 22/08/2020 08:32

He sounds awful. Get out if you can. You and your son deserve more.

HMSSophie · 22/08/2020 08:32

That line of "I'm with you so that shows I care" or versions of it, PISS ME OFF. What men are really saying is "Having me under your roof is a prize in itself, I don't have to do anything else ever again. I'm better than you in every possible way so my mere presence is enough of a gift to you."

He will not change if you don't change. If he wants a relationship with his son he has to decide that and then act on that decision. He clearly doesn't want a relationship with you that much but that's because he's a cock and you're not making him feel special just for breathing.

caringcarer · 22/08/2020 08:33

He sounds pitiful. Up all night chatting up another woman, does not work so sponging off of you, does not spend his free time looking for jobs or being with his baby. Instead spends his time making you feel unloved and crap. How dare he say she is nicer than you. Kick him out and raise your bar higher. This person will never make you happy.

abstractprojection · 22/08/2020 08:35

Good on you @Maizeyflowers and thank goodness you found a decent one at just 23.

It took me until I was 31 but every day he and the life we have together makes me happy

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/08/2020 08:35

Sending the photo was another way to show just how little respect he has for you, your baby or your boundaries. She’s a random and you have no idea what she may do with that photo. Now I’m not saying this is going to happen and it is probably just sitting on her phone. But parents can never be too careful. metro.co.uk/2020/08/18/mum-horrified-finding-pictures-baby-paedophile-website-13143110/

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2020 08:37

@Stressedup

I'm 30 and we've been together 11 years. He is only the 2nd guy I've ever gone out with. That's why I dont want to break up. Sad

I just feel like I'm being made a fool of.

Sorry, but you are and there's no point in fighting it.

What are your options? Do you have family? Have you a job to go back to? Do you own your home?

MinnieJackson · 22/08/2020 08:37

He's a fucking manipulative twat. He is having an affair. Kick him out now or go somewhere if you can.

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2020 08:39

@Stressedup

We rent. He lost his job in Dec and has been suffering with depression since then. He has applied to go back to college because a lack of qualifications is hindering his job search. I was actually really proud of him for that. Sad I'm on mat leave so we're on UC, which we weren't before he lost his job.
Depression my arse.

He's stringing you along

MiddleClassProblem · 22/08/2020 08:39

In that case she could literally be anybody. He doesn’t actually know he’s talking to the person in the photos and I bet they were of someone pretty.

Get him to binge watch some catfish.

Regardless of it being an EA or not, the way he talks to you, comparing is awful.

It is an EA though. And “she” can be perfect because she’s not actually there.

Original poster
Stressedup · 22/08/2020 08:39

I do have family but they're in Scotland while we're in the east of England. The plan was for us to save and move to scotland. If I go home to my family I'm taking my son away from his dad and his loving grandparents. And he would see his dad at best once or twice a year. Sad

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 22/08/2020 08:40

Plenty of depressed mothers look after their babies. He doesn't have to though, does he? The OP is doing it. If she went out for the day and left him to look after the baby he'd have to get up and navigate the day like mums whose partners have gone back to work do.

Why are people reading my post as if it's an excuse for him? Of course I've read her OP. But I don't think it's a coincidence that the loss of job and stepping up contact with this woman happened at the end of last year. And I said he needs to get treated or get out.

Whydidimarryhim · 22/08/2020 08:42

That’s disgusting- he is showing you no respect.
It’s totally wrong what he is doing.
You and the baby should be fore most in his mind.
Ignore the mother in law and her golden child.
You need to leave him.
It’s not a case of any father is better than no father.
What messages are you giving to your child.
He’s treating you like dirt and you so deserve more.
Is there any where you can go or will he go - I’d not be surprised if he had the money to go to America he’d be off like a shot.
Protect your finances.
Look on entitled to too see what benefits you are entitled to given your earning.
It is not normal behaviour.
You are no doubt funding him now he’s out of work.
Please focus on yourself and do not let him be the focus for your life and future.

FenellaVelour · 22/08/2020 08:43

Not only is he having an emotional affair but he’s doing it openly, in plain sight.

I’m sorry OP. His behaviour is awful.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 22/08/2020 08:44

Don’t feel that because you’ve already spent 11 years with him you need to stick it out or that time will he wasted. That’s a sunk cost fallacy - you’ve already incurred the time and can’t make up for it by sticking around. And it hadn’t been wasted, because you have your baby.

This. And if he cared, he would visit DC in Scotland.

MinnieJackson · 22/08/2020 08:45

Just seen the photo update! I'm so angry for you. Get him out now. Pack a bag, shove it outside and tell him to fuck off. Don't put up with this bullshit for another day Flowers

timeisnotaline · 22/08/2020 08:45

I do have family but they're in Scotland while we're in the east of England. The plan was for us to save and move to scotland. If I go home to my family I'm taking my son away from his dad and his loving grandparents. And he would see his dad at best once or twice a year
Baby’s loving grandparents? Do you mean the mil who supports him in checking out of his relationship both as a parent and as a partner? She very obviously thinks parenting is 100% your role and no one else should lift a finger for you or your baby. So you should do your parenting, without wasting time You will never get back thinking about how to make it work for them. Go to Scotland. Tell him if he came up to visit that would be amazing - after all, it would be more parenting effort in a few hours than he’s put in for baby’s entire life so far.

thetangleteaser · 22/08/2020 08:47

Goodness OP, honestly I really do mean this with kindness but you’ve got to stop being so weak for your son. You’ve defended him in every reply because you love him and you’re terrified of leaving him and saying goodbye to the life you imagined for your son but this man has absolutely no respect for you what so ever. The whole thing is so weird, he probably hasn’t had a physical affair because she’s in the US, he clearly has feelings for this woman and him sending her pictures of your son is repulsive, she could be anyone, he clearly has no disregard for the safety of your child. I never normally agree with posts that say ‘leave him’ but in this instance I think there really isn’t another option

Poulter · 22/08/2020 08:47

Depression is not an excuse to treat someone like shit.

And it's an illusion that any man is better than no man.

This twonk is stopping you meeting a guy who really cares about you. Who is respectful and meets your needs rather than just his own. I've suffered from depression but still got jobs, did housework, looked after my children. If he's so depressed he can't do those things then he's too depressed to chat to strangers online. Except he isn't...

CopperBeeches · 22/08/2020 08:50

Leave. This will not improve.
The affair is one thing - but what I would not forgive is the bulllying, belittling and dismissing of you. As well as letting you, exhausted, do all the work. You are vulnerable at the moment as your baby is so young. If he was involved with an emotional affair but knew it was wrong and still treated you and you baby with love, care and respect there might be a way back. But there isn't from this.

Leave now while your son is young - before he is aware of being treated as if he is nothing too.

Yankathebear · 22/08/2020 08:52

Don’t let him blame his depression for this.
I don’t speak to my husband for ten hours everyday.
Do you think he would sleep with her if they weren’t so far apart?

ExplodingCarrots · 22/08/2020 08:53

OP have you posted about him on another thread in the past couple of days ? Some of the details are identical. If so, please please get rid of him. You're obviously unhappy and he's a total waste of space.

2pinkginsplease · 22/08/2020 08:58

Never stay with someone who disrespects you and slags you off to other people, you need to go somewhere you will get support in real life. If that means Scotland then go for it, your partner is not being a good dad, he doesn’t deserve you both! He’s already checked out of this relationship and parenthood by not providing for his family and by talking to another woman for 10 hrs a day. You’re lucky if I talk to friends for 10 minutes a day!

WeirdAndPissedOff · 22/08/2020 09:00

This is really awful for you, OP, I'm so sorry. Flowers
The thing is, this isn't even "just" an emotional affair (and it very clearly is one). He's prioritising this woman over his baby as well, spending all night talking to her then sleeping through the day. He's clearly mentally checked out of the relationship, he's comparing you both to each other - and telling both you and her that he prefers her! He's not showing you any respect, he's not pulling his weight, he's not being a good father or partner.

He says the fact that he stays shows he cares, but his actions don't back that up. Many men stay with a woman they don't love - because the other woman isn't available, because they get sex from their wife, because they have someone to support them with finances, housework etc, and because they have access to their kids without actually having to put in any effort. That's not love, or a relationship - its convenience, and not wanting to change the status quo.

I'm really not sure this is fixable. And in any case, you can't fix it if he's not willing to try. Dialing back on the relationship with this woman is just the first step - he needs to step up in so many other ways. If he won't, then you need to leave - staying won't lead to any happiness for you or DC.

As far as moving near family - I normally disagree with moving a child a long way from their father, as it does make their relationship more difficult. But at the end of the day, you struggling without any support won't be good for DC either, so do what's right for you and DC.