Is this an emotional affair

[Stressedup]

My partner talks to a woman online every day. Up to 10hrs a day chatting all through the day. He will stay up all night talking to her, even though we have a 7 month old.
So he sleeps all day and I am left with the baby.

He says they are just friends. But he has also called her beautiful and said her boyfriend was "so fucking lucky" and that if he was single he would probably be interested.
He tells me every day that she is nicer than me. He tells her every detail of our fights. He tells me she is more important to him right now because we have been fighting.

My mil (his mum) says I have no right to ask him to dial back the intensity of this friendship to save our relationship. He agrees.
We have been fighting but I am willing to do anything to fix this. He is not even willing to say he cares. He says staying is showing he cares.

They both say this does not constitute an emotional affair.
Aibu

Yabu= not an emotional affair
Yanbu= definitely an emotional affair

So unreasonable of him. He needs to man up or get out.

it's not just an emotional affair. he completely checked out of the relationship. He doesn't care about you nor about the baby.
given that he doesn't earn even though you had a baby and are on mat leave and that I stead of securing a job, his priority is to chat to this women, he is nothing more than a cocklodger.

I understand why going alone is daunting but what kind of home do you think your child will grow up in.

And trust me, you will me much more happy once you get rid.

I would ask him to leave (he can move on with his supportive mummy).

Op, you said "I'll do anything to fix this"...

YOU CANNOT fix this
You cannot fix this
You cannot fix this!

Only HE can fix his behaviour if he wants to save the relationship and he's made it pretty clear already from what you've said he doesn't care. He probably also doesn't believe you'll do anything about it so he's going to carry on being a selfish, lazy useless father and partner. He should be ashamed of himself.

Look, I've been with DH since university (nearly 20 years), so I understand where you're coming from, and we have two children together and I'm currently a SAHM but if he treated me this way and then refused to acknowledge his mistakes it would be over, never mind the time we've had together. I wouldn't want my children thinking this is normal and I wouldn't want to waste any more of my precious life or theirs. I was more tired when my first was 7 months than when they were new born due to months of cumulative sleep deprivation. You must be so tired it's hard to think clearly about your future but you and your baby will be so much better when you find the way to leave this tosser.

And as for his depression, well I know it comes in different forms for different people, but when I suffer from it I still get up every bloody day and care for my family and treat them with respect. Maybe he's using it to keep you in your place.

Does it matter if it’s an emotional affair or just a friend? He has checked out of life with you and his child. He isn’t helping raise his child or supporting you.
I’m 15 yrs older than you OP and some friends marriages have failed in the last few years. 2 friends have said they married because they had been going out for so long they didn’t want it to be a waste of time. That’s what you’re doing. We have been together 11yrs so we have to stick it out.
But it really sounds over OP. Move on and have a better life.
Anyone who spends 10 hrs gaming or on any hobby when they have family is an selfish arse.

I have always wanted my son to have a good relationship with his dad. I dont see my dad and my partner doesnt see his dad. We both agreed that he wanted to be better than them.

Leave him for your child's sake. You need to teach your baby the way of the world and number one is do not let anybody disrespect you. He's a piece of shit and doesn't deserve either of you and will live to regret his actions pity him. When you do all the work involved in raising a tiny human and get compared to someone online and get no love what is the point?

I wouldn't let them tie you up in semantics, OP. Even if it's a 'friendship', it's inappropriate in the circumstances. 'He will stay up all night talking to her, even though we have a 7 month old'.
So he sleeps all day and I am left with the baby. If you're 'unreasonable to ask him to dial back the friendship' then does he agree the next step will be to end the relationship which you don't want to but he and his DM seem to have left as the next step.

What does he think he brings to the relationship, OP?

Good luck.

YADNBU and I’d just echo a previous poster: you cannot fix this. The man-child checks out of your relationship to spend 7 hours a day talking to a woman he has told he thinks is beautiful etc, leaving you to care for your young baby. Darling, you deserve so much better than this.

He is absolutely making a fool of you. He is massively disrespecting you and he is being a dreadful father.

You are also at a low point right now and he is bringing nothing, emotionally or financially, to the table. You are in a good position to walk away.

So he sleeps all day and I am left with the baby. shit, shit father.

Sorry, I commented 7 hours but it’s up to 10 isn’t it. 10!

@Stressedup

I'm 30 and we've been together 11 years. He is only the 2nd guy I've ever gone out with. That's why I dont want to break up.

I just feel like I'm being made a fool of.

You do not want to be regretting in a year, 5 year, 10 years time that you didn't listen to what his actions were telling you.

Please, don't have these regrets. Don't waste any more of your life in this relationship. Your child and you can make a better life without your partner.

If he agreed he wanted to be a better dad than both of yours he needs to stop this

It's absolutely an emotional affair and it is completely disrespectful to you and neglectful of your baby

Tell him this and give him the choice; dial it right down or leave

You are very young and don't deserve putting up with this for the next few decades!

Your posts look like you don’t want to leave so what is your view of the future? Let’s look at this from a different angle.
What happens if you stay?

Is there any indication that he wants to improve this situation?

What kind of a family will your son grow up in?

Will you be happy/ loved/ fulfilled in 2 years, 10 years, 30 years?

I think your life will just be spent waiting for him to leave you or to actually cross over into a physical affair.

As others have said, the label doesn't matter so much as that he is hurting you and doesn't care. I've been in a similar situation and I know couples who met online gaming from different countries so don't be complacent about the distance. Where there is lust/infatuation, people tend to find a way.

This isn't necessarily irreparable but you need to make it clear it is unacceptable and you need to be prepared to follow through and leave or kick him out, even if only temporarily. He says staying means something - well show him it does to you too.

Has he video called her? Does he definitely know she is who she says she is?

All of his behaviour is unreasonable.
Spending 10 hours on the phone a day while (presumably) doing no work, housework, looking after baby is totally out of order.

Sorry to be blunt but what value is he actually bringing to your and baby’s life at the moment? He’s not supporting either of you financially, emotionally or practically. So what is the point in being in a relationship with him anyway. Sounds like you would have a much happier life if you split. He’d be stuck on his game/phone all day long wasting away while you got on with your life.

His relationship with the person online is very clearly unacceptable. His attempt to say the relationship is acceptable, while making the comment you mention is ludicrous.

If I were you I’d have to either leave or give him an ultimatum. He may be depressed but spending all day on games and the phone isn’t going to change that.

When is he meant to be starting the college course?

Have you spoken to the girl he talks to?

I have always wanted my son to have a good relationship with his dad.

this won't be achieved by staying with an asshole DP. Sometimes, it is easier to build a good relationship when your dad doesn't live in the same household. Plenty of dads in separated couples are very much involved.

and given that he has zero interest in his baby currently, I am not sure how staying together would help.

I think it's the depression. She represents an escape and doesn't demand anything in terms of practicalities like relationships in person do.

The only way you can stay together is if he looks to treat the depression and cuts her off. If he won't then he can be on his own.

@ClaraJude

Absolutely an emotional affair (and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it was more than that) and, perhaps even more fundamentally, he just sounds like a really horrible person who doesn’t like you much.

I think this relationship is over OP. It’s a hard thing to face but you deserve so much better than this.

This. It doesn’t matter if it’s an emotional affair or not, let alone if your dear MIL thinks so or not.

It doesn’t sound like he wants to be in a relationship with you or maybe even be a father, and this behaviour which is completely unacceptable is meant to push you to dump him so that he can save face by not being the man who leaves, and he will continue to be more and more dreadful until you do.

You are worth more then a man who only stays because he ‘cares’

@Stressedup

I have always wanted my son to have a good relationship with his dad. I dont see my dad and my partner doesnt see his dad. We both agreed that he wanted to be better than them.

And yet your “partner“ has decided to follow in his father’s footsteps. Looks like he isn’t walking the walk. The only person’s behaviour you can control is your own. Don’t get caught in the emotion of the lie he has fed you about wanting a good relationship with his ds.

He is massively disrespecting you and showing just how low you and your baby are on his priority list. If he’s depressed and this woman is picking him up, he needs a proper therapist and to cut ties with her. If he can’t commit to that today, it is time to tell him to go home to mummy.

It’s not just the depression. Loads of mothers get pnd but they still look after their babies.

@hammeringinmyhead

I think it's the depression. She represents an escape and doesn't demand anything in terms of practicalities like relationships in person do.

The only way you can stay together is if he looks to treat the depression and cuts her off. If he won't then he can be on his own.

Depression is not an excuse for being a borderline abusive arsehole, sitting around unemployed playing computer gaming and chatting to American women all night.

It’s a responsibility to not inflict harm on your loved ones while you seek help and put in the work in to get better.

One thing I hope I can teach my daughter is to never put up with this kind of ass hole of a man.

I've been here. Twice! Early twenties and without children but I've still been here. It was a really upsetting time. I had one boyfriend who I was with around 3 years. He lied to me all the time. Met up with different women/girls and I'd find out through Facebook he had been elsewhere. Then he would say he didn't tell me because he knew how I would react. Fast forward to us living together. A stranger told me people talked about how he lied to me at his BBQ. How he cheated. So I picked up his phone and read his texts. Then I went upstairs and told him it was over. Threw my ring at him that was supposedly an engagement ring. Although a real proposal never happened.

Would you believe the next idiot I got with was similar. Obsessed with women. In fact he was worse. Always talking to a married women at work. Texting her. Pointing at random women in the street and saying she's a pretty lady. Going on about working with blonde girls at work and him pretending be was dating them both on a work night for a laugh. When I found out he was a messaging a girl he met at a car show who had been dumped saying he was there for her anytime I again had had enough. I had a huge row with him about putting the actual women you are with first. Not putting every other women above me and refusing to give anyone up for me. He was a a full on wannabe ladies man. His eyes would pop out his head at the older high school teen-agers when we drove past he also got dumped. I was such an idiot as when we had only been together a month he was flirting with a women at work quite openly!

Anyway third time lucky. I met a lovely man when I was 23. We are sill together 8 years on. He is nothing like them. Not at all like them. He still tells me I'm beautiful everyday. He still hugs me every time he walks past me. He never plays games. He's open with his phone. I trust him.

One thing I struggled with years ago was other women. They all felt like a threat due to how men had made me feel. But as soon as I met the one I'm with now all those feelings melted. It actually upsets me that I let lads treat me so badly now I'm older.

You need to bin this idiot off. You should always come first. Always. No he should not be investing all this time in another women! He's playing with your head and telling you it's you who has issues. When actually he's a prick! Sorry!

Please find some strength and give him the shock of his life.

I think it's the depression. She represents an escape and doesn't demand anything in terms of practicalities like relationships in person do

have you read the OP and the horrid things he tells her. I have no idea if he is depressed but he is a horrible and disrespectful DP - depression or not.

I suffered from severe PND but that didn't result in treating DH like shit (and I still looked after the baby and the household).

He says they have not video called but they have exchanged face pics. He said he sent her a pic of him and me so its okay.

He even sent her a picture of our baby despite promising not to as I really didnt want her to. I know its childish but I wanted one part of my life this bitch didnt have her fingers in. He initially lied about sending her a pic of the baby but then immediately admitted it because the promise was "stupid".

Thank you for the reality checks, I actually need them a lot.