To be totally fed up with ‘Xbox night’?

[Yorkie15749]

I probably am, but its 2:20am and I’m fuming!

Since lockdown started, my partner has moved in and has (without really ever agreeing it with me) committed every single Friday evening to playing Xbox with his friends from roughly 9pm to 3am, drinking.

We live in a tiny house which means he occupies the front room and I’m left with no choice other than to go to bed early. If I try and make plans With him and others on a Friday, he grumbles about this prior commitment. I also have issues with sleeping due to PTSD, which without going into detail means I cant sleep if anyone in the house is awake/making noise. He knows this and yet still keeps me up until 3am every Friday. He won’t compromise on ending the games earlier either.

Full transparency, we’ve both been working from home since March so not short of seeing each other, but committing every Friday has really wound me up?

AIBU?

I see this a little bit differently, six nights a week he lives on your terms, he sleeps when you sleep, is silent when you need him to be etc. and doesn't impact your PTSD. He has one night on his terms where you are awake late. I don't think the compromise needs to come from him.

But then I think your feelings are unreasonable..

And there you have it. You are unreasonable to have PTSD.

More to the point, you are unreasonable to expect that a MAN, even one who claims to love you, should give a toss that you have PTSD, especially when he's planning his important manly leisure activities with his manly mates.

Men's hobbies always trump women's comfort and wellbeing (and often their family life, health and sometimes jobs). Didn't you know that?

And, PTSD, really? (You're probably just making it up for attention anyway. We all know PTSD is what soldiers get after being in wars, not silly women making a fuss about silly women things).

This whole thread reminds me of that old Harry Enfield character, in public information broadcast mode; 'Women! Know your place!'.

What worries me about you and for you OP, is that you felt the need to post at all. That you doubted yourself and the idea that you and your health, wellbeing and happiness matter, to the extent that you have tolerated this weekly assault on your wellbeing for five months and haven't just said 'no' and more recently 'go elsewhere'. This tells me that you are, at least in part, in the 'poor bloke, men's fun comes first' camp yourself, consciously or otherwise. Let it go. Look after yourself. It's very clear that no-one else will.

When you buy or rent a house together, that will be your shared home. This is your home. Contributing towards bills for stuff he's using while he's there, doesn't mean he owns your home, or you.

I dont think either of you are in the wrong.
You just sound incompatible.
I hope you get some help with the PTSD.

Women! Know your place!

limits

Was it limits? Rings true.

Asserting herself to tell her manly guest to STFU or go elsewhere would definitely be exceeding her limits, in those terms.

Whereas I'd have kicked him out a looong time ago, after reasoned discussion had failed. (You can't argue with pure, illogical, selfish emotion, after all).

Personally I think it pathetic that a grown man is addicted to teenage video games in the first place, but each to their own. It’s your house though and living with someone means compromise - he should cut this down.

Christ @lottiegarbanzo . The bloke is playing x box one night a week till 3 am, why can't he do his hobbies? So he's suppose to not do what he loves ONE NIGHT A WEEK because she's got ptsd. Yes he should be considerate of her feelings but if she said give up your hobbies all together should he do it because that's being considerate?!

And those saying it's her house. When she agreed to move in together it turned into his home too.

I was just trying to point out that not everyone that games is stupid because that is exactly how they are perceived on MN.

You prove my point neatly loudev.

Poor, poor bloke. Oh, hang on...

Look after yourself OP. This chap has shown you that he won't.

@loudev

Christ *@lottiegarbanzo* . The bloke is playing x box one night a week till 3 am, why can't he do his hobbies? So he's suppose to not do what he loves ONE NIGHT A WEEK because she's got ptsd. Yes he should be considerate of her feelings but if she said give up your hobbies all together should he do it because that's being considerate?!

And those saying it's her house. When she agreed to move in together it turned into his home too.

Making a load of noise til 3 am is ridiculously anti social, if my DH was making a racket til that time when I was trying to sleep once a month I'd tell him to shut up let alone once a week

@DressingGownofDoom where does she say in her post he makes loads of noise? My partner isn't noisy with it!

No where has it said he is being loud and shouty. He can play with headphones on so all that is heard is his voice.(with 2 doors shut between lounge and bedroom)
But op doesn't want anyone awake when she is trying to sleep so him being silent playing games or even Reading would not be allowed.
I'd have left if I was restricted this much in my life.

24loudev Agree. Especially as he's paying half.

06allsideways
I see this a little bit differently, six nights a week he lives on your terms, he sleeps when you sleep, is silent when you need him to be etc. and doesn't impact your PTSD. He has one night on his terms where you are awake late. I don't think the compromise needs to come from him

This, too. If you can't accept the Friday night gaming and want to keep the relationship, it seems you have to live separately.

I don't mind gaming but taking over the lounge without discussion every Friday night plus being up til 3am would be extremely annoying!

No wonder you can't sleep if he's gaming, if he's doing it with friends they'll be chatting and laughing, probably shouting and swearing. Anything that stopped me sleeping after midnight would mean a big fuck off from me.

Tell him to game at his own place or set limits, such as every other week and only until midnight, or whatever suits you. Or just kick him out!

When we met DH used to play football manager with friends every Saturday while the football results came in and couldn't see why I wouldn't want to silently sit and watch them all day. I used to go off and do my own thing but obviously you can't do this in a small house in the early hours of the morning!

Crumbs, well I’ve learnt something new today then. Genuinely did not know that adults played these kind of games - haven’t met a single one/partner of one who does!

My question was a genuine one.

My 22yo son has been with me all lockdown and is busy gaming with friends till 2am at least once a week. In his bedroom, fortunately.

It can get pretty loud at times but as soon as I knock and tell him I'm going to bed (usually between 11 & midnight) he reins it right in and I usually hear nothing more.

Your man is selfish.

Genuinely did not know that adults played these kind of games

Well given that most of them are a 18 certificate...

So many people (women?) on MN have the idea that gaming is running around with a gun, shooting people. And there is some of those type of games. But many successful games have different formats, puzzles, empire building, exploration.

I could log onto the Xbox now and take myself off to medieval Scandinavia, where I run about looking for dragons and honing my skills as a pickpocket. Or go off to the American west of the 1900s and try to find the animals I need to complete my spotter's book. Or join my band of minutemen in a post-apocalyptic Massachusetts and try to keep my settlers happy.

It's just a hobby like anything else. Any hobby which you do to the exclusion of anything else isn't great. Whether you're gaming to 3am every night and being late for work, or feeding the kids rubbish because you're so busy with your crochet hooks.

But this isn't about gaming anyway, it's about lack of compromise, and incompatible schedules.

Even MN had an article about benefit of gaming. Not knowing is the huge loss. Gaming addiction is a problem, but not everyone who plays game has that. And as for OP, he only does it for once a week. Hardly a gaming addiction. I don't expect everyone to understand, but it's just an hobby like everything else.

There's another thread where the OP is forced to go to bed when her (abusive) husband tells her they're going. She's been rightly told that it's all kinds of wrong.

Is this similar (but not abusive)?
Can the OP ever go to bed on her own?
Is her DP allowed out with his friends? Would she have to stay up till he gets back?
Is it just the noise and lack of use of living room or is it the above?

Not read the thread, I wouldn't see it as a deal breaker if all else good, but I would definitely negotiate a compromise where he only does it at yours once/twice a month and the other Fridays they have to go to someone else's house.

@Finfintytint

"Playing games until the early hours is a teen thing. He needs to grow up. Adults shouldn’t be gaming unless they are Incels. If he is an incel then let him be and accept he’ll never have an adult relationship."

Both me and my adult DD are incels then, or is it only men who can't game without being weirdos?

He shouldn't book something for every Friday night, but if something you want to do could be done on a Saturday, then why should he give up his arranged hobby night.
My middle DD does a martial art on two nights a week, unless it's something special, she won't give that up. She has two children.

Both of you should have thought hard before you decided to live together. Him having to go to sleep at the same time as you, is a big ask. It isn't something I would accept.

Are you still getting help for your PTSD?

I assume he can't play at friends house as either
We are in a pandemic, you can't have house guests
Or
His mates live around the country/world and he can't visit. It's also a lot easier to play in own house on own console as that's how games are designed. Playing in one house on same console would be a different sort of game.

But I think this means that you’re not really going to be able to live with anyone though because you can’t really expect everyone in a household to sleep or be quiet when you are asleep.

This; really. I’d be moving him back out and not replacing him. He should be able to compromise and make adjustments because of your PTSD, but I also think it’s unrealistic to try and live with other adults whilst this is an issue.

I think many PPs are interpreting OP's issue differently without understanding gamers & what it sounds like in a small flat without thick walls and doors.

He is making noise and drinking alcohol at home until 3am every Friday evening into Saturday forcing her out of her lounge to bedroom, to have a crap night's sleep, so he can take over with what is an antisocial hobby in such a small flat. Even with headphones & microphone (where you direct your friends), games like COD can get very shouty in the excitement of the game. That's jarring in the middle of anyone being asleep even without PTSD - every .. single ... weekend ... - so Fridays and tired Saturday mornings are lost to this stress. I doubt very much that he's playing a quiet game if OP cannot sleep.

They are just not compatible. I like to play keyboard and drums but I don't zoom call with my friends until 3am drinking and playing every Friday even if I put drum pads on and can shut all the doors!

It is possible to game for a few hours in the afternoon once a week, when he knows OP is out or is happy to give up her lounge.

There are plenty of female and male gamers that stop these loud kind of online Xbox gaming into the early hours, when they move in with other people who go to sleep before them or they have children. They seem to manage to find compromises. It is lockdown so he cannot go to his friends houses to do this, so he needs to finish earlier to compromise in the meantime until pandemic is less - midnight is a liveable compromise for many people - that's the 'consideration for others rule' most families I know have for their noisy teen gamers, selves or partners and that it's limited on how often if it's that late, depending on their environment.

OP is not stopping his hobby, she's saying it's not working to do it in her small flat, as causes her distress and discomfort in an unreasonable way, every Friday to Saturday- 1/3 of her weekend. He should do it elsewhere, stop, compromise or go home. Only a selfish person would continue to impose on his partner in this way. Many on here who say different are either failing to understand, missing the point or likely as inconsiderate of others as OP's DP is.

For those saying tell him to wear headphones, he's playing online with his other friends & likely a Call if Duty type game. He will likely be wearing a headset (headphones and microphone) which is what is causing the noise!!!