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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally fed up with ‘Xbox night’?

225 replies

Yorkie15749 · 22/08/2020 02:25

I probably am, but its 2:20am and I’m fuming!

Since lockdown started, my partner has moved in and has (without really ever agreeing it with me) committed every single Friday evening to playing Xbox with his friends from roughly 9pm to 3am, drinking.

We live in a tiny house which means he occupies the front room and I’m left with no choice other than to go to bed early. If I try and make plans With him and others on a Friday, he grumbles about this prior commitment. I also have issues with sleeping due to PTSD, which without going into detail means I cant sleep if anyone in the house is awake/making noise. He knows this and yet still keeps me up until 3am every Friday. He won’t compromise on ending the games earlier either.

Full transparency, we’ve both been working from home since March so not short of seeing each other, but committing every Friday has really wound me up?

AIBU?

OP posts:
HowFastIsTooFast · 22/08/2020 09:01

Nope Nope Nope, if he can't compromise then back to his friends' place he goes.

My DP also moved in with me for lockdown, and has stayed. He always checks with me before either playing PS or his guitar, as both dominate our small flat a bit, likewise I check with him before I embark on a Kardashians binge. None of the above mentioned things go on until 3 in the bloody morning! Confused

Shoxfordian · 22/08/2020 09:04

It's not about gaming, nothing wrong with gaming.
He should be more considerate about making a noise until 3am. My dh always wears headphones so he doesn't disturb me. Also every Friday would annoy me, just because we usually like to go out for dinner or cook something nice at the weekend.

TinySleepThief · 22/08/2020 09:05

I think several of those coming on to comment about the gaming being loud and disruptive are missing the point that no matter what he was doing the OP wouldn't be able to sleep because she stated she can't sleep when someone else in the house is awake. It sounds like even if he wanted to stay up and read, watch tv or even have a long relaxing bubble bath the issue would still be there because until he goes to bed the OP wont be able to sleep.

If I'm reading it correctly it sounds like he will never be able stay up super late or until the early hours of the morning for any reason at all because until he goes to bed the OP will not be able to sleep due to her PTSD?

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 22/08/2020 09:05

He was renting a room off a friend before, which is still technically his, should he want it.

Do you want to suggest that he moves back permanently or just for set nights in the week (agreed by you both but presumably including Fridays)?

Are you seeing somebody for the PTSD, OP ? It does sound like it would disrupt your life in the future if you were considering a family or ever needed to care for friends and family in your home. (I have relatives who get very confused and wonder round in the early hours.)

PermaStress · 22/08/2020 09:08

I think the PTSD mention is a red herring. If OP had merely said she is a light sleeper who struggles to get to sleep when somebody in the house is making noise nobody would bat an eyelid. She mentioned PTSD and posters are like "just get some EMDR" or "you can't live with another human ever" .... Hmm

Also.... it's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's an involuntary response to something traumatic that has happened, it's not within the person's control. If that's not a reason to do quite small stuff to accommodate your partner's needs then you're not being a very good partner.

HouchinBawbags · 22/08/2020 09:08

@MadameMeursault

To those of you saying it’s OP’s home, well it’s actually DP’s home too. Living together needs to be about give and take. Can you talk to him about your PTSD? Maybe suggest every other week he goes to his mate’s house for the gaming?
I'm sure the OP said him moving in wasn't actually discussed, he just decided to stay over lockdown. He may pay half the bills but I would definitely say that without a conscious decision by both parties that her home becomes both of theirs, it's still hers and he's just staying with her over lockdown.
HowFastIsTooFast · 22/08/2020 09:08

Just to add to my post above, I was concentrating on the OPs comments about the size of their place and how it means she has no choice but to just go off to bed at 9 every Friday.

If they had a spare room or otherwise more space that meant she could use the lounge herself I'd think she was being less reasonable.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/08/2020 09:08

I would be really interested to see this situation reversed.

'I have my girfriends round every Friday night, laughing and dancing until 3am. It's a small house, so DP has to retire to our bedroom. He has PTSD and can't sleep if anyone is awake or making noise in the house. It's his house, I only moved in five months ago due to a sudden change in circumstances. I wtill have my own room elsewhere. this is my thing though, my hobby, my relaxation. It's important to me. IABU?'

I am willing to bet the 'poor bloke' brigade would be 'poor bloking' all over you! And more.

loudev · 22/08/2020 09:13

It's only one night a week, surely not a big deal. You can't expect people you live with to be quiet all the time either. My partner is a gamer, definitely not every night but sometimes a couple nights a week till 1-2 am, doesn't bother me really, he wouldn't turn down plans with me or say no if I asked him not to.

So I think you are being unreasonable to moan about one night a week, but I think he's also unreasonable for not taking into consideration your feelings... But then I think your feelings are unreasonable..

PermaStress · 22/08/2020 09:14

I think several of those coming on to comment about the gaming being loud and disruptive are missing the point that no matter what he was doing the OP wouldn't be able to sleep because she stated she can't sleep when someone else in the house is awake. It sounds like even if he wanted to stay up and read, watch tv or even have a long relaxing bubble bath the issue would still be there because until he goes to bed the OP wont be able to sleep.

If I'm reading it correctly it sounds like he will never be able stay up super late or until the early hours of the morning for any reason at all because until he goes to bed the OP will not be able to sleep due to her PTSD?

But there is a world of difference between staying up until 3am to read once in a while and a weekly commitment with friends which you never skip.

I don't really drink alcohol and I like my sleep - I don't think I'd be compatible with somebody who had the lads round every Friday night until 3am because I wouldn't be able to sleep well and I'd be tired/migrainey/grumpy and not able to get on and do what I wanted to on Saturday daytime. That doesn't mean I'm not compatible with somebody who likes to have bubble baths until 3am once a month or so.

SephrinaX · 22/08/2020 09:17

Maybe just ask him to return to his other rented room on a Friday night to go play games?

WaltzfortheMars · 22/08/2020 09:19

It's only 6 hours once a week, not every night. But if you don't like it, just kick him out? It's your home after all. And I am an active middle aged gamer, who leads normal family life. WTF is gamer being incels?

Redlocks28 · 22/08/2020 09:21

Did he do this every Friday before you said he could move? Presumably so as you didn’t see him as he was busy? What we’re the discussions around it beforehand?

Whenwillthisbeover · 22/08/2020 09:23

Ok so if he’s paying half he surely gets half use of what is now his home? It’s one day a week but if it is really really irritating to the point you would prefer you lived separately then send him packing.

You can’t have your cake and eat it.

PrtScn · 22/08/2020 09:25

Mumsnet is hilarious sometimes. I’m a middle aged mother and I game most nights. Pretty sure I’m not an incel Hmm DH takes over the living room with his pringles and shit telly. So when DS is in bed I usually play games or do some OU work (or both!). We are lucky in that we have a spare room I’ve set up my home office in. Long gone are my long games night drinking sessions though (which I used to enjoy a lot. Drinking wine and talking shit with my other FEMALE gaming friends, one of whom I’ve met several times in real life and am good friends with). DS wakes usually around 22:30 - 23:00ish so I go to bed then and obviously can’t drink much if anything with a toddler.
The gaming isn’t the issue here, it’s incompatability and space constraints. OP can you get a 2nd telly for the gaming and set him up in the corner of the room? One of my friends has this set up. They are still in the same room but one watching telly, the other gaming. Or maybe he could stay at his old place Fri nights and come back Sat?

HorsePellets · 22/08/2020 09:32

I’ve said YANBU but ONLY because you’ve said “he won’t compromise”.

It’s unrealistic of you to expect him to be asleep at the same as you every night all the time - as part of the compromising, you need to be making progress with tackling the PTSD so that you can reasonably live with someone else. Some accommodations that people with PTSD need aren’t unreasonable (no making you jump for shits and giggles, for example), but this one just isn’t feasible or ok on an ongoing or prolonged basis if you aren’t making strides towards tackling it so that you can actually live in the same house as someone else and be asleep while they’re awake.

But he needs to compromise. This every Friday thing should have been a discussion and an agreement upfront. Now that you’ve said it’s a problem, then compromises need to be made, and ground given on his end because ultimately this is still your house and he’s moved in - you can ask him to leave. If lockdown hadn’t happened I doubt whether him moving in would have happened as soon as it did. So he needs to dial down the noise, buy a headset if he isn’t already using one, not be shouting even while using a headset, start later so you aren’t turfed out of your living room too early, and finish earlier so that you can get to sleep at a decent hour, and switch to every fortnight until you can get your own sleeping issue under control.

If he’s big enough to share a space with someone else then he’s big enough to adjust his habits and behaviour to not be obnoxious in that space, and accept that give and take is part of what living with someone else entails.

HorseIsland · 22/08/2020 09:36

Mumsnet is hilarious sometimes. I’m a middle aged mother and I game most nights. Pretty sure I’m not an incel hmm DH takes over the living room with his pringles and shit telly. So when DS is in bed I usually play games or do some OU work (or both!). We are lucky in that we have a spare room I’ve set up my home office in.

Do you take over the sole living room in a tiny house with your gaming friends, so that the partner you've recently moved in with has to sit in the bedroom, and refuse to compromise on the gaming sessions ending before 3 am, even though it means your partner can't sleep?

Then hardly comparable.

Porridgeoat · 22/08/2020 09:40

I think one night a week with headphones is perfectly reasonable as long as he’s quiet

could be good for you to use this weekly event to work through the PSTD issues with support from a counsellor.

Porridgeoat · 22/08/2020 09:42

I take his mates are in their homes playing on their own screens at the same time rather then meeting at your house

Porridgeoat · 22/08/2020 09:43

The alternative is he goes to his mates house every Friday

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 22/08/2020 09:45

@Porridgeoat

I take his mates are in their homes playing on their own screens at the same time rather then meeting at your house
The online gaming friends might be in different cities or countries.

He has a room elsewhere that he doesn't seem to have given up so he could return there?

Valkadin · 22/08/2020 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaltzfortheMars · 22/08/2020 09:57

"Do you take over the sole living room in a tiny house with your gaming friends, so that the partner you've recently moved in with has to sit in the bedroom, and refuse to compromise on the gaming sessions ending before 3 am, even though it means your partner can't sleep?"

It's not recent, for a start, OP says it's been going on since start of the lock down, so it's been going on at least nearly 6 months. She agreed him to move in, could have said it isn't working earlier when he was doing this every weekend and kicked him out, or do it now if it reached her breaking point.

TorgosPizza · 22/08/2020 09:58

Up until three every Friday night? I'd find that excessive, even if it didn't keep me from sleeping, tbh. He must sleep very late the next morning to make up for it, so not only are all Friday nights "reserved", but all Saturday mornings are completely out of the question for plans with you, too? Not impressed.

It's not all or nothing. If he knows he's keeping you up that late each week, he's unforgivably selfish. There's no reason they have to play that long each time. Also no reason they can't mix it up and have their playtime in the morning, afternoon, or earlier evening, sometimes.

I'd want him out, if he's that unsympathetic to you needs.

DressingGownofDoom · 22/08/2020 10:05

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