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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally fed up with ‘Xbox night’?

225 replies

Yorkie15749 · 22/08/2020 02:25

I probably am, but its 2:20am and I’m fuming!

Since lockdown started, my partner has moved in and has (without really ever agreeing it with me) committed every single Friday evening to playing Xbox with his friends from roughly 9pm to 3am, drinking.

We live in a tiny house which means he occupies the front room and I’m left with no choice other than to go to bed early. If I try and make plans With him and others on a Friday, he grumbles about this prior commitment. I also have issues with sleeping due to PTSD, which without going into detail means I cant sleep if anyone in the house is awake/making noise. He knows this and yet still keeps me up until 3am every Friday. He won’t compromise on ending the games earlier either.

Full transparency, we’ve both been working from home since March so not short of seeing each other, but committing every Friday has really wound me up?

AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsTweedy73 · 22/08/2020 08:08

[quote XDownwiththissortofthingX]@SaintofBats

Would you immediately write off anyone who visits the cinema, the theatre, watches TV, reads books, listens to or plays music, or any one of a multitude of other perfectly normal pastimes and entertainments, or is it just that you have a fairly well-set picture in your mind about what gaming is and what gamers are, so totally dismiss them out of hand regardless of whether your prejudices bare any resemblance to reality or not?

At least you're removing yourself from the pool of potential friends/partners/acquaintances for people who don't have ridiculous preconceived prejudices, and can't be bothered with people who live by them, so there is that I suppose.[/quote]
applause Smile

WaltzingBetty · 22/08/2020 08:09

@pictish

“I also have issues with sleeping due to PTSD, which without going into detail means I cant sleep if anyone in the house is awake/making noise.”

I wouldn’t want to move in with you I’m afraid. I wouldn’t have my waking hours dictated by your PTSD.

The OP has at no point tried to 'dictate' waking hours or sleep patterns. She's simply asking for a bit of consideration, the use of her own living room and a vaguely reasonable bedtime. You know - a compromise. Did you miss the part where she's being forced to bed early because he takes over the living room for gaming?
EmbarrassingAdmissions · 22/08/2020 08:12

If you really want to compromise he should take it in turns with his mates and that way you are only affected every few weeks.

I could be wrong but I assume he's online gaming and the other players are elsewhere and playing from their own homes?

Bhappy12 · 22/08/2020 08:17

I personally can't see the issue with his gaming. It sounds like he needs and enjoys the social time. I imagine if it's a prearranged thing then he's gaming with a team from all over the world so it's unlikely he can just switch times.
Why do you have to leave the room when he's gaming? Could you not read, watch TV on a laptop, do a puzzle etc? Surely you don't have to go to bed just because he's using the TV?
Long term, I do think it's unreasonable to expect everyone to go to sleep just because you want to, though. Unfortunately, because of your PTSD, that's effectively what you'd be saying so it seems like at the moment it's not workable for you to be living with someone.
Ultimately, though, it's you home and if living with him isn't working for you ask him to leave. No one should feel uncomfortable in their own home.

Shizzlestix · 22/08/2020 08:19

Yes, he can have a hobby, obviously, but excluding the OP from her own lounge every Friday night isn’t on. She has to remove herself by 9pm on a Friday night! That’s bonkers. If my dh knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep due to his noisy gaming-lots of talking going on, no doubt-but carried on, I’d think he didn’t give a crap about me.

Nottherealslimshady · 22/08/2020 08:19

He needs to move back out.

Ragwort · 22/08/2020 08:21

If you really can't sleep unless everyone else in the house is asleep then you are going to find it hard to live with anyone. - you cannot insist that an adult goes to bed at the same time as you.

My DH, teenage DS and myself have completely different sleep patterns but we have to accept it and compromise. I would not be impressed if my DH told me not to watch a film late at night or whatever.

Suggest your BF goes back to his own home and you can carry on dating.

WendyHoused · 22/08/2020 08:25

Ask him to use headphones when you’ve gone to bed to reduce some of the noise.

But you can’t expect someone to be silent when you are sleeping. Do something yourself on Fridays - movie night on the laptop, chat online with mates, whatever works for you. Going to bed early is being a martyr.

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2020 08:28

@uglyface

Why would a grown man play video games?
For the same reason grown women do.

Because they enjoy it.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 22/08/2020 08:29

I also find it very hard living with someone for the same reasons as you op , and as I actually like being single it doesn't bother me at all to know I will never live with a partner again .
However if you are happy in every other way ( and there isnt a huge backstory) then you need to get this thing sorted.
If u want him to move out then that's fine it is your home and your life , but as someone else said , don't be a martyr.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 22/08/2020 08:37

OP, do you want to spend your life with such a selfish man? He’s showing you his true self. I hope you will recognise this and say No.

It’s not about the gaming. It’s that he knows he’s harming you and he doesn’t care.

JaneJack23 · 22/08/2020 08:42

Surely he's allowed to have fun with his friends one night a week?

Get a snack & watch a movie in bed and then ear plugs & a fan running to drown out noise and go to sleep.

I'm on his side.

Micawbs · 22/08/2020 08:44

Presumably, if her partner was reading, the op would be able to sit in her own living room at 9pm every Friday and sleep peacefully in her own bed at 3am.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/08/2020 08:45

The sleep issue a huge thing. He's torturing you because he doesn't actually care. I would not have tolerated that level of disruption for this long, at all.

I wouldn't want to live, or be with, longer term, someone who cared so little for my needs, health and wellbeing.

Can you imagine if you deliberately kept him awake til 3am, when he didn't want to be, once a week? Would he tolerate that? In his home? And still love you and welcome you staying?

lottiegarbanzo · 22/08/2020 08:48

Also, you must both be wrecks on Saturdays, so have a really crap weekend together.

HouchinBawbags · 22/08/2020 08:49

Lockdown is over. It's time to go home.

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/08/2020 08:49

My eldest DD is a gamer (fairly sure she's not an incel). She spent her teenage years very cut off from her peers, due to undiagnosed MH conditions. She's made excellent, long lasting and very supportive friends all over the world from gaming (mostly late night sessions).

If your OH is only gaming once a week, it's the equivalent of meeting up with his mates for a drink once a week. The gaming aspect is a red herring. It's the fact that he's doing something that stops you from sleeping or relaxing. I presume you aren't totally banned from the living room but the noise means that you don't want to be in there? And you can just sit with headphones on and read a book while he games?

Sorry, but I actually think the problem is yours, unless he's a thoughtless dick in everyday life (which, given he pays half, he doesn't sound as though he is). He's paying to live there (whilest also paying to keep his old place) so it's his home.

You need to get more help for your PTSD or it is going to affect you more and more as life goes on. You can never have a partner who stays up late, or children, or friends to stay overnight, or pets, unless you control the hours they keep with a rigidity which will border on controlling.

HouchinBawbags · 22/08/2020 08:54

My husband is a gamer and plays whenever he can BUT if it's something I don't want then he doesn't.
Even if I'm just sitting playing on my phone in the evening he will ask if I mind him playing Call Of Duty. I have never said I don't want him to play but he still always asks, knowing what the answer will be. And if I said, no, I fancy a movie tonight he's get the popcorn!

Gaming is fine. I enjoy it too sometimes but gaming that keeps your partner awake or eats into your partners evening IN HER OWN HOUSE is absolutely not on.

burnoutbabe · 22/08/2020 08:54

My other half was up until 1ish playing his new game, he was flying a plane to Newcastle.
That's so not a game I told him! Last of us is a game! You are just being a geek!
You don't have to go to bed early, surely you can just watch tv in the bedroom.
With a one bed flat then yes people have to sometimes retire to bedroom if the lounge is being used. In lockdown I work there as other half works in lounge.
You don't sound compatible to live with anyone, him wanting one social night a week with mates in own house is reasonable-he could move Xbox to bedroom but then you'd be awake even longer. Poor bloke :(

PermaStress · 22/08/2020 08:55

I do think that whilst I have no problem with adults gaming as a hobby, the only boyfriends I have dated who game as a hobby have been sucked in by the game's addictiveness and played multiple games so were addicted in multiple ways. A guy I was seeing last year couldn't go for a nice walk and picnic with me without playing pokemon at the same time. He was loud even with a headset when on his X box. A relationship with a gamer is not one i would choose due to my experiences with them, rather than thinking the hobby was childish.

I think a regular evening online socially is a good thing during lockdown. A regular evening where you can't make other plans, you keep your partner awake until gone 3pm and they can't use the room they use for relaxation, on the first night of a weekend every weekend is different. It's certainly different to a hobby scrolling mumsnet, or crocheting, which don't take over a room or disturb anybody else.

I wouldn't want a relationship with a man who had the lads round for beers ever Friday night, meaning I couldn't use my living room or go to sleep until gone 3am. It would be incompatible with my lifestyle which considers a guaranteed bad night sleep every single week to be too much, and having a Saturday where I'm well rested and able to get on with what I've got planned to be too important. I would happily compromise if it was once a month, or if he went over to his friend's places on rotation though, and if occasionally he was willing to skip it to do something nice with me.

Obviously covid makes it different but now we are not locked down i think it's entirely reasonable to have an adult conversation about him going elsewhere to enjoy his Friday nights sometimes. That may mean that once in every 4 weeks you're house is taken over by gamers having pizza and beers, but if every other 3 you get a blissful night's sleep...

HouchinBawbags · 22/08/2020 08:55

@Finfintytint

Playing games until the early hours is a teen thing. He needs to grow up. Adults shouldn’t be gaming unless they are Incels. If he is an incel then let him be and accept he’ll never have an adult relationship.
ODFOD
SockYarn · 22/08/2020 08:55

MN is so weird about gaming.

But it's not the gaming which is the issue here, as someone said it's incompatibility in routine. It's not really on for the OP to insist that every adult goes to bed at the same time, but there needs to be a degree of compromise. It's not unreasonable for her partner to want one night a week socialising with his friends and it's no different from golfing on a saturday afternoon, regularly going car-booting on a sunday with his mum, or singing in a choir each wednesday. It's a long standing arrangement and part of his social life.

OP, you need to have a frank conversation about this and look for a way forward, and compromise. It's unfair for you to demand it all stops as he obviously enjoys it. It's unfair for him to carry on as it is, as you can't sleep. But there must be middle ground, compromise or things like noise cancelling headphones.

Oh and as for the "all gamers are losers who have never grown past the teenage years" crap - I'm a middle aged mother of three teenagers who spent a good chunk of last night playing Fallout.

Phineyj · 22/08/2020 08:56

I think when you live in a tiny house, you have to be much more considerate than in a bigger one. I would find someone doing something noisy up to 3am every Friday night extremely annoying and I considerate, whatever he was. I see the pro-gaming lobby are out in force. Replace "gaming" with "playing the trumpet" or "doing step aerobics" and it's easy to see this behaviour is wrong.

Plus, he may also be annoying your neighbours. If it's your house, bear that in mind.

HouchinBawbags · 22/08/2020 08:57

@pictish

“I also have issues with sleeping due to PTSD, which without going into detail means I cant sleep if anyone in the house is awake/making noise.”

I wouldn’t want to move in with you I’m afraid. I wouldn’t have my waking hours dictated by your PTSD.

I do agree with this though I'm afraid. Just one more reason to say, "sweetie, it's time to go home now"
MadameMeursault · 22/08/2020 08:59

To those of you saying it’s OP’s home, well it’s actually DP’s home too. Living together needs to be about give and take. Can you talk to him about your PTSD? Maybe suggest every other week he goes to his mate’s house for the gaming?