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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying to eat at friends house?

413 replies

Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 14:30

Is it weird to charge friends to come over to your house??

Basically, I have 4 good friends who I’ve known for years. I now live a couple of hours away, they all still live close together, and I visit maybe 3-4 times a year for a catch up. Normally we go out to eat or go to the pub. Last year I mentioned I was coming back one weekend and suggested going out for a meal. One friend said why didn’t we come to hers instead for a change - lovely. A couple of days beforehand she then made mention of us splitting the cost of food she was buying which I was quite taken aback by but which we did. Due to lockdown I last visited in February and we all went out for a meal then. I am due to visit again in a couple of weeks. A different friend suggested going to hers, and that we could split the cost again. Is it just me or is that really weird? I wouldn’t even consider offering to host and then charging people for food. My friends obviously do meet up regularly when I’m not here, often for dinner at each other’s houses, and I can’t imagine there’s money changing hands every time. Am I the factor? Is it because I don’t live there and can’t reciprocate? But then we are literally talking once or twice a year, it’s not like I come back every other weekend expecting to be hosted for free.... and obviously bringing alcohol goes without saying. I also offer to pick up any extra food they need which seems preferable to me to actually handing cash over.

Or is this a thing now? I Love hosting and it just wouldn’t even cross my mind to split the cost with people even if they weren’t able to host me in return. I do invite my friends to come and stay with me but it’s not a very interesting place and I think they can’t really be bothered, which is fine, I am happy travelling to them and it’s nice to see everyone together.

AIBU to think it’s a little weird to get people to split the cost of this or is it fair enough seeing as I’m not able to host them in return? (Not forgetting it wouldn’t even be once a year per friend and usually we go out anyway!)

Oh and while I don’t know the ins and outs of people’s financial situations obviously, to the best my knowledge we are all comfortable.

OP posts:
TeapotCollection · 21/08/2020 14:32

I’d be seriously embarrassed to ask friends for money towards food if we were entertaining, and that’s not because we’re rich

formerbabe · 21/08/2020 14:33

Never heard or experienced this, except at Christmas if perhaps one person is hosting the huge family do, in which case I think fair enough.

Is she hard up? I'd probably just hand over the cash and not mention it

TeapotCollection · 21/08/2020 14:33

Sorry, just to clarify- I wouldn’t do it and be embarrassed, I wouldn’t dream of doing it!

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/08/2020 14:35

Would not dream of charging. Or paying. Utterly bizarre. And cringe.

user1493413286 · 21/08/2020 14:35

It sounds like they don’t have the money to host. I think people often already do this in a more informal way so often when I see friends I’ll take the pudding and bring enough alcohol for me and DH plus a bit more as a kind of hosting gift then it tends to work out quite fairly especially as one person may be paying to travel a distance.
It wouldn’t bother me to be honest though as it’d be a fraction of the cost of going out for a meal.

ShyTown · 21/08/2020 14:36

It’s really weird, unless you’re all broke students or something. An adult way to do things would be as you’ve suggested- for everyone to bring something (wine, desert etc.) so that the host isn’t put out too much.

TheWayOfTheWorld · 21/08/2020 14:36

Strange, would never offer to host and then ask for guests to pay.

When paying you get to choose what to eat and drink. At a friend's you usually get what you are given (subject to catering for allergies etc) and everyone has the same, as chosen by the host. I wouldn't be happy having someone else's menu choice imposed on me and then having to pay for the privilege.

user1493413286 · 21/08/2020 14:37

I’d be interested to know what age people are in responding to this; I’m early 30s and I vaguely wonder if me and my friends are more open to this as we’re all much tighter on money with small children, weddings and saving for houses. I’m prepared to be completely wrong on that though.

Delatron · 21/08/2020 14:37

I’ve never heard of anything like it! You don’t invite people over to dinner then charge for the food! If you can’t afford to host then you go out for a meal. If you can’t afford that you meet for coffee or drink.

otterbaby · 21/08/2020 14:37

Definitely strange - as you said, goes without saying to BYOB but I wouldn't dream of asking people to chip in money! I have asked before if someone could bring the dessert or some cheese or something, but again that's only around Christmas time. If I offer to host, the responsibility is on me.

Shizzlestix · 21/08/2020 14:38

Very odd. If friends stay, I just cook/provide booze, I certainly don’t expect money. Ask them if they charge the ones who live nearby.

emmathedilemma · 21/08/2020 14:38

I think it's a bit weird and wouldn't dream of doing it. I was going to suggest maybe they couldn't afford a meal out and hence why they invited you for dinner instead, but then a meal for friends at home doesn't need to cost much, especially when people will usually bring alcohol.
We might split costs if we were getting a takeaway, but then that's more akin to eating out, and that's usually an agreement in advance. I wouldn't expect to be invited to someone's house for dinner, them order a takeaway and then ask me for a contribution.

MaliceOrgan · 21/08/2020 14:38

I think I would want a say in the menu if I was contributing. Imagine handing over cash and getting kidney and pilchard pavlova.

AriesTheRam · 21/08/2020 14:39

You don't host then ask for money.Your friend is mean and weird.

Original poster
Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 14:40

@ShyTown definitely not broke students - we’re all in our 40’s!! Although we have been friends since our broke student days!

@user1493413286 but if you don’t have the money (which I genuinely don’t believe is the case) why offer to host? Or why offer to host a meal? There’s no assumption we’ll have a meal - we could just sit round the table with some wine and crisps and be perfectly happy!

OP posts:
rc22 · 21/08/2020 14:41

Yes it's weird. I've sometimes contributed to the cost of a takeaway that I've had at someone else's house. Alternatively, I've been to parties where each guest has been asked to bring something to contribute to q buffet.

Rewis · 21/08/2020 14:42

We split the cost of groceries in my friendship group. Of someone specifically invites the group then they provide the food.

So like one of is just had a birthday, she sent an invite "welcome to my birthday on date at my place" then she is going to provide everything. If we are chatting in the group chat "hey, maybe we should meet up" and someone say a to come to theirs then we will split the shopping

beachysandy81 · 21/08/2020 14:42

It's weird. Might as well invite you round and get a takeaway and split the bill!

Original poster
Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 14:42

Exactly @rc22. I always bring alcohol and I would always offer to bring along some food but actually handing over cash is weird.

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 21/08/2020 14:42

It’s weird.
We did this as students but I think it’s very different when you’re 19 and working 12 hours a week compared to adults!

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/08/2020 14:42

Totally weird to me.

I went to a friends for a bbq once. She said that she needed us to pop out for some food and when she got to pay, she expected us all to share. Me and another friend didn't have any cash on us as we weren't expecting it (had cards but they wouldn't split £15 at the supermarket 3 ways) so she said it was fine, there was an off licence near her house that we could go and get her a bottle of wine when we got back.

I was so shocked as firstly it was cheap burgers and sausages that she could afford, she had been hosted at mine a few times where we had a full on 3 course meal with cocktails and wine and I never asked for any contribution, and I'd spent £50 on train tickets there to see her. Just bizarre.

Looking back though she always had a strange attitude to money at school and her family were always a bit strange about money (eg she could have pocket money only if it got spent on the things her mum wanted her to buy, so wasn't really pocket money at all) so maybe attitudes to cash are engrained from a young age.

I'd never normally offer to pay some money to someone if I was going to theirs to eat, unless we were getting a takeaway. But I'd always offer to take something like a side or dessert and take alcohol if they declined that

NameChange84 · 21/08/2020 14:43

Bloody hell thats weird and quite embarrassing. I’m 30s too and find it really cheeky. How mortifying!

Lougle · 21/08/2020 14:44

The norm here is to say "what can I bring?" Often, SIL will ask me to bring a pudding, or I'll say 'can you bring your lovely couscous that you make?', etc.

I'd have no problem contributing to the cost of a meal, though.

ClementineWoolysocks · 21/08/2020 14:46

Weird. I know someone who sent out birthday party invites which told everyone they'd be expected to pay on the door before they were let in! Don't host if you don't want to pay.

Whiskyinajar · 21/08/2020 14:46

It’s a bit odd imho.

Surely it would be better to say....meet up at the house of x, y or a and everybody bring a dish or a contribution to lunch.

I’ve done that in the past but generally if I invite people over I feed them.

Meetings at my house (I run a charity) usually ends with people bringing food contributions and drinks. I love this as we all get to taste each other’s dishes and as some of my trustees hail from other parts of the world the food is wonderful.

Totally off topic but that these meetings it’s a standing joke that my Ghanaian friend brings wonderful rice dishes and exclaims about how much sugar the Brits eat. My friend from the Indian continent brings wonderful ornate sweet dishes and says the Africans don’t know how to enjoy themselves Grin