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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying to eat at friends house?

413 replies

Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 14:30

Is it weird to charge friends to come over to your house??

Basically, I have 4 good friends who I’ve known for years. I now live a couple of hours away, they all still live close together, and I visit maybe 3-4 times a year for a catch up. Normally we go out to eat or go to the pub. Last year I mentioned I was coming back one weekend and suggested going out for a meal. One friend said why didn’t we come to hers instead for a change - lovely. A couple of days beforehand she then made mention of us splitting the cost of food she was buying which I was quite taken aback by but which we did. Due to lockdown I last visited in February and we all went out for a meal then. I am due to visit again in a couple of weeks. A different friend suggested going to hers, and that we could split the cost again. Is it just me or is that really weird? I wouldn’t even consider offering to host and then charging people for food. My friends obviously do meet up regularly when I’m not here, often for dinner at each other’s houses, and I can’t imagine there’s money changing hands every time. Am I the factor? Is it because I don’t live there and can’t reciprocate? But then we are literally talking once or twice a year, it’s not like I come back every other weekend expecting to be hosted for free.... and obviously bringing alcohol goes without saying. I also offer to pick up any extra food they need which seems preferable to me to actually handing cash over.

Or is this a thing now? I Love hosting and it just wouldn’t even cross my mind to split the cost with people even if they weren’t able to host me in return. I do invite my friends to come and stay with me but it’s not a very interesting place and I think they can’t really be bothered, which is fine, I am happy travelling to them and it’s nice to see everyone together.

AIBU to think it’s a little weird to get people to split the cost of this or is it fair enough seeing as I’m not able to host them in return? (Not forgetting it wouldn’t even be once a year per friend and usually we go out anyway!)

Oh and while I don’t know the ins and outs of people’s financial situations obviously, to the best my knowledge we are all comfortable.

OP posts:
ListeningQuietly · 21/08/2020 17:27

I've asked a friend to bring puddings when they came for the weekend
because she's fab at them and I'm crap
I've also asked friends to bring a bottle towards the kitty
and
I asked a friend to bring smoked salmon - as they worked for the smokery
but I would NEVER ask for cash
that is naff

lyralalala · 21/08/2020 17:28

I have a group of friends who do this. It started because for a while only four of the six could host and the two that couldn't felt awkward always just providing wine/dessert. It works really well as it means it doesn't matter if we have a run of expensive weeks as it balances out anyway.

Then again I was told I was "disgustingly grabby" on here once because we, as a family, do that at Christmas. There's generally over 20 of us and it's just easier for one person to buy everything. Apparently even though our family suggested it (we're the only ones with space) we should have said no. Even though it would have meant they felt too awkward to come each year. Hmm

Motoko · 21/08/2020 17:29

[quote Itswindytoday]@UsainDolt I don’t know how much it will be this time but when my other friend did it last time it was £10 each and the food was picky bits not a proper meal. We always bring our own alcohol. So I’m anticipating £10 again this time.

It is nice to meet at someone’s house, and it is certainly cheaper. But my preference would definitely be to contribute food rather than cash! But then when I’m hosting I will provide all the food and wouldn’t give it a second thought.[/quote]
So, she got £40 from you all, but only provided picky bits? Bet she didn't spend that much on those. She was onto a nice little earner!

fishonabicycle · 21/08/2020 17:30

Sometimes we have taken food (or pudding/cheese course) and obviously always drink. But asking for cash - nope. Never.

Goongoon · 21/08/2020 17:31

This is usually done more informally in the way of bringing the desert, or a bottle of wine to share. Asking to split the cost of the meal is the same principle. We British (assuming you are) are very anal about money I find. If you’d all gone shopping for the dinner together you wouldn’t expect one person to foot the bill just because you’re eating at her house?

Goongoon · 21/08/2020 17:32

Dessert

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/08/2020 17:34

We do this for our book group, because we meet irregularly and there's always a few months where someone can't host for whatever reason. So it's £5 a head and the host can get whatever they want for that, whether it's pizza and ice cream or a big meal. But that's a revolving group of people and it's designed to not leave someone out of pocket, eg you host then it's cancelled cos the holidays, then you can't go to the next one - before you know it, a year's gone by and you haven't had reciprocal hospitality. I wouldn't invite my friends over for dinner and ask for money off them though, no.

Whiskeylover45 · 21/08/2020 17:36

I would find it a bit rude tbh. You invite people to yours you take the cost. Unless its something they do amongst themselves like an informal aggreement. Only time I've done this is when I've hosted for Xmas dinner, bht it was more like me and DH got the meat, DB and SIL got the sides, DSiS and Bil got the desert and DF and DM got the veg. But then I was cooking for 13 people, two of them teenagers, and it seemed the easiest way to split the costs. But i would never do it with friends or anyone else or at any other time. I'd be embarressed too do so especially twice a year. But horses for courses and all that

cantdothisnow1 · 21/08/2020 17:39

Itswindytoday

I think it's totally unreasonable of them, you are presumably paying travel costs to attend these meetups?

We are very conscious of the extra expense incurred by our friend who has to travel to come to see us. If anything we pay for her meals when we go out.

I would certainly never ever dream of charging her.

haggistramp · 21/08/2020 17:39

Dont think its weird, just not commonplace. Thats said if its agreed/made clear beforehand I can't really see the problem. If you don't like it you can choose not to go. I've had friends suggest this and I kinda like it, I've always had nice food for a fraction of the price of eating out in the comfort of a friends house.v

Chezacheza · 21/08/2020 17:41

I don’t know how much it will be this time but when my other friend did it last time it was £10 each and the food was picky bits not a proper meal. We always bring our own alcohol. So I’m anticipating £10 again this time

Christ I thought you were going to say £40 each!

£10 a head is nothing. Depends what the picky bit were. Was it chicken nuggets and twiglets or buffet style M&S kind of stuff?

Maybe she is adding the cost of the Gas and electric Grin

Chezacheza · 21/08/2020 17:46

I would find it a bit rude tbh. You invite people to yours you take the cost. Unless its something they do amongst themselves like an informal aggreement

I think it’s this. It’s just an extension of them splitting the bill

OR

The 1st time this happened the host was short on money and one of the friends suggested they do this and now they are all following suit.

People differ up and down the country. I find it odd on here that if some one asks if you want to come to their birthday meal - they are expecting that birthday person pays for them 😮

So you can never have a gathering with out having to pay for every one’

Original poster
Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 17:49

@Chezacheza it was lovely food, and we had a lovely night as we always do, and as I’m sure we will next time. It’s certainly not a friendship ending event! Just strange to me as it’s not something I’d do myself x

OP posts:
chargeorge · 21/08/2020 17:51

this has probably been said but surely you would all take it in turns to host and therefore pay your way that way - VERY WEIRD to do this though

Original poster
Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 17:54

@chargeorge I live a couple of hours away so can’t host unless they choose to travel to me and they’ve turned down my invitations so far, so I travel to them. There’s no expectation for anyone to host though - we usually go out to eat.

OP posts:
Dashel · 21/08/2020 17:56

I know people who have split the bill for a chef and ingredients so a large group can meet up with no one doing any work.

As students for a nice dinner or possibly when we bought our first house I could see this happening but a fiver each and any left over cash would buy beer.

pooopypants · 21/08/2020 17:58

It's one thing saying "we'll order a pizza / Chinese / etc and split the cost". It's an entirely different thing if you're cooking.

This is odd, to me, I'd never even think of charging people I invite for dinner. Occasionally my best friend has said "you make main, I'll bring dessert" and I've done the same the other way round.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 21/08/2020 17:59

Nope. NFW. I'd decline these invitations. 'So sorry, have something else on that night' and repeat until they get the picture.

ILoveFood87 · 21/08/2020 17:59

Would not dream of it, think its rude actually.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 21/08/2020 18:03

[quote Itswindytoday]@chargeorge I live a couple of hours away so can’t host unless they choose to travel to me and they’ve turned down my invitations so far, so I travel to them. There’s no expectation for anyone to host though - we usually go out to eat.[/quote]
So they want you to travel to them and pay for dinner at their houses? C'mon, you don't have 'Mug' tattoed on your forehead. 'Sorry, have something on that evening, maybe another time.' No, that's fucking rude.

Diva66 · 21/08/2020 18:06

Never been asked to pay, wouldn’t dream of asking others to pay.

Original poster
Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 18:06

@InDeoEstMeaFiducia I’m not a mug Grin These are good friends of many years. To all get together at mine all 4 of them would have to travel to me instead of just me travelling to them. I have family there anyway so I really don’t mind, plus I don’t have kids so I don’t have to factor that in either. I’ve lived away for about 5 years now and its only been these last couple of visits that this has happened.

OP posts:
TheFuckingDogs · 21/08/2020 18:07

So weird!!!

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 21/08/2020 18:07

[quote Itswindytoday]@InDeoEstMeaFiducia I’m not a mug Grin These are good friends of many years. To all get together at mine all 4 of them would have to travel to me instead of just me travelling to them. I have family there anyway so I really don’t mind, plus I don’t have kids so I don’t have to factor that in either. I’ve lived away for about 5 years now and its only been these last couple of visits that this has happened.[/quote]
They're still being rude AF. Ridiculous. I'd still turn this down because it would piss me the fuck off.

cantdothisnow1 · 21/08/2020 18:11

InDeoEstMeaFiducia I agree with you.

Let them pay the travel costs to you next time.