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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying to eat at friends house?

413 replies

Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 14:30

Is it weird to charge friends to come over to your house??

Basically, I have 4 good friends who I’ve known for years. I now live a couple of hours away, they all still live close together, and I visit maybe 3-4 times a year for a catch up. Normally we go out to eat or go to the pub. Last year I mentioned I was coming back one weekend and suggested going out for a meal. One friend said why didn’t we come to hers instead for a change - lovely. A couple of days beforehand she then made mention of us splitting the cost of food she was buying which I was quite taken aback by but which we did. Due to lockdown I last visited in February and we all went out for a meal then. I am due to visit again in a couple of weeks. A different friend suggested going to hers, and that we could split the cost again. Is it just me or is that really weird? I wouldn’t even consider offering to host and then charging people for food. My friends obviously do meet up regularly when I’m not here, often for dinner at each other’s houses, and I can’t imagine there’s money changing hands every time. Am I the factor? Is it because I don’t live there and can’t reciprocate? But then we are literally talking once or twice a year, it’s not like I come back every other weekend expecting to be hosted for free.... and obviously bringing alcohol goes without saying. I also offer to pick up any extra food they need which seems preferable to me to actually handing cash over.

Or is this a thing now? I Love hosting and it just wouldn’t even cross my mind to split the cost with people even if they weren’t able to host me in return. I do invite my friends to come and stay with me but it’s not a very interesting place and I think they can’t really be bothered, which is fine, I am happy travelling to them and it’s nice to see everyone together.

AIBU to think it’s a little weird to get people to split the cost of this or is it fair enough seeing as I’m not able to host them in return? (Not forgetting it wouldn’t even be once a year per friend and usually we go out anyway!)

Oh and while I don’t know the ins and outs of people’s financial situations obviously, to the best my knowledge we are all comfortable.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 23/08/2020 10:19

It isn't charging them though is it, it's splitting the costs. She's not changing a spring fee and asking for a damage deposit on the glasses, just because the other friend didn't seem to spend the entire £40 doesn't mean this friend isn't intending on spending £45 if that's what's needed.

I just hope ops friend isn't on MN else she won't need too worry about the friendship for much longer

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 23/08/2020 10:28

weird, but a group that my sister used to lunch with weekly at a local pub have started meeting at someone's house - £ contribution discussed but awkward the first week, but working OK now - but this is the same person hosting every week.
I guess in your situation, you'd never be hosting as you're the one that has moved away, but it does sound a bit odd.

CorianderLord · 23/08/2020 10:32

I charge my pals for Xmas dinner (12 of us and I go all out, I'm 25 so can't afford £300+ to treat them).

I don't generally charge for dinner, but if they don't have lots of money I wouldn't be bothered by it. They are, after all, fronting the cost, putting in all the effort and saving you money on a meal out.

Why are you so offended by it? They're your friends, who cares?

CorianderLord · 23/08/2020 10:36

It's also not rude. She doesn't want to be out of pocket providing for everyone. And I've found that people aren't even very thankful when you cook. You'd pay a restaurant for your food but your pal can get fucked? Very odd.

Backtobasics5 · 23/08/2020 10:43

@CorianderLord

It's also not rude. She doesn't want to be out of pocket providing for everyone. And I've found that people aren't even very thankful when you cook. You'd pay a restaurant for your food but your pal can get fucked? Very odd.
If money is tight that is totally understandable. Why put yourself in a position to host dinner then? Times when I’ve been skint it would not of even entered my mind to be doing this sort of thing. So it is quite odd.
bringbacksideburns · 23/08/2020 11:51

It is bloody rude! On what planet is it not?

You have known these people 20 plus years. You value them as friends. They won't come and visit you but you have to travel some way to see them and then they charge you for some grub! To make it even worse they only see you a couple of times a year aswell. It's not like it's every couple of weeks.

It's mean. They aren't skint. In all honesty I'd maybe ask for you to bring some wine with you but I'd find it embarrassing to take money off you. As someone previously said - even if i had very little I wouldn't dream of it.

Similarly I'd never dream of charging people for my Christmas lunch. If i couldn't afford it I wouldn't host it Hmm Maybe that's where I'm going wrong - thats why theres so much affluence on mumsnet because people charge for everything! Grin

Or maybe I just have lovely friends.

expatinspain · 23/08/2020 12:09

I would find this seriously weird. Are they all from the U.K.? Sometimes DP’s friends in Spain do this, but normally because 20 - 30 people are coming for lunch and they’re eating loads of seafood and expensive meat. Certainly for four people it would be weird here too.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/08/2020 13:22

Similarly I'd never dream of charging people for my Christmas lunch. If i couldn't afford it I wouldn't host it but if all your friends are in the same position, isn't it nicer to pay for it together and spend it together then all be alone?

TrickyKid · 23/08/2020 13:26

Depends on their financial situation. If contributing to food costs is the difference between having friends round or not I think it's fair enough. It's not something I'd ask people to do but would understand and not be offended if I was asked.

notacooldad · 23/08/2020 14:55

I don't think it matters if people on here thing it is weird or rude if they would be insulted if their friends suggested it or other overreacts.
If it works for this group of friends then it works for them, no problem.

Even the the OP is a friend she is now on the edge of their friendship group. It's not compulsory to join in.

Personally I think it is a great idea especially as a lot of fun has gone out of eating out.

honeygirlz · 23/08/2020 15:07

It sounds like they’ve agreed that when you’re invited they will charge for food, because you can’t play your turn at hosting.

Given it sounds like you’re someone who is happy to bring drink / pay for your own restaurant meal, and finally, have always been happy to meet at a restaurant rather than expected to be hosted, I think they’re being mean and petty.

I would just take the tenner and don’t bring the wine. If they want to be petty then shrug your shoulders and play it their way. No hostess gifts, stuff them.

shinynewapple2020 · 23/08/2020 18:02

I think that if you have a group of friends who normally eat out and pay for their own meals but have decided due to Covid that you would rather get together at someone's house it totally makes sense to pool the cost , whether that me that you decide to get a takeout and pay for your own food. Whether you each contribute a dish or whether one person either does an M&S dash or cooks a full meal and everyone contributes toward the price.

Totally different to people taking it in turns to host and one friend randomly decides to charge the others .

Viviennemary · 23/08/2020 18:30

I agree it makes sense to pool the cost especially if one person can never host because of distance. I can't see the problem. Of course it's different when everyone takes a turn to host.

Her1mum · 23/08/2020 19:24

Some people are really tight!

simitra · 24/08/2020 01:04

I would be telling my friends how I felt:-

"Well we are on a budget at the moment. So with the cost of the journey and also bringing something to drink I would find paying for the food as well too much on top. Its going to make it a very expensive visit so I may have to decline if thats the arrangement."

And see how that goes down.

jessstan2 · 24/08/2020 07:12

As the meal is only for four people, I do think it is odd, especially as you take it in turns to host.

Erictheavocado · 24/08/2020 08:27

In our family it's the done thing that if you invite people to an event, you cover the cost. However, there are a couple of exceptions to that - at Christmas one person tends to host as they have the space. So the rest of us either contribute food/drink or we share the cost of the food etc. That seems fair to me as otherwise the rest if the group would never be in a position to reciprocate. The same person usually hosts when it is a special event, eg; parents big birthday etc. In that case, the siblings each pay a share of the food and we buy the alcohol (host is doing the prep, so it seems fair we pay for the drinks). Outside of that, other gatherings, whoever hosts, pays. Or we go out to a restaurant and each person pays their own bill. BUT, given the circumstances at the moment, I can understand some people would not want to go out. It is diffi ult when you live so far away. You say you have offered to host, but if I was travelling two hours each way, I'd probably want to stay over so I didn't have to drive home after a late night out. It sounds as though you don't have space to accommodate them, so that's an extra cost to them. You have also said that you can often stay with family when you visit. I think if I was in your situation, always the guest, unless we were eating out I would definitely expect to at least supply enough drink for everyone. Or I'd offer to pay for a takeaway.

Katjolo · 24/08/2020 08:31

Very odd.

CasperGutman · 24/08/2020 08:36

It's weird. One thing in its favour is that OP lives a long way from the others son isn't likely to invite them to hers and even things up that way, but the normal way to address costs is for guests to bring drinks and perhaps pud or nibbles.

With close friends, I've experienced the host sometimes saying e.g. "would you mind bringing something for pudding?" Or when accepting an invitation I'll often ask if I can contribute something specific.

burnoutbabe · 24/08/2020 08:49

@simitra

I would be telling my friends how I felt:-

"Well we are on a budget at the moment. So with the cost of the journey and also bringing something to drink I would find paying for the food as well too much on top. Its going to make it a very expensive visit so I may have to decline if thats the arrangement."

And see how that goes down.

Trouble is the op can't say that as she had suggested going out for a meal. The eat at home will probably be cheaper than eating out (unless it was a very cheap cafe they were going to) I'd be tempted to say "I am on a weird restrictive diet so will eat before, save you the bother" to avoid the issue. Or even " I am seeing cousin x first who is cooking so don't worry about me"
Wowcherarestalkingme · 24/08/2020 09:10

I certainly wouldn’t charge people if I were hosting, but quite often the cost ends up being split anyway. Either through people bringing alcohol or desserts etc The only time we would all pay our own way would be if we were getting a takeaway. One person orders it and everyone gives them the money but I think that’s slightly different

RealBecca · 24/08/2020 12:56

Yes its weird but I'd probably not over think it and just transfer the money. If you can all afford it just put it down as a weird thing they do and get on with your life.

WICKEDSTEP · 24/08/2020 17:43

Do they think you have more money than they do?

Choccylips · 24/08/2020 20:02

I wouldn't offer to host if I had to ask my friends to pay.

LouisBalfour · 24/08/2020 20:15

Never in a million years would I ask guests to contribute financially. It's mannerless.

If I felt guilty that I couldn't reciprocate by hosting, I would make sure I arrived laden with really good wine and gifts.

We have friends that nearly always host new year because they have a 7 bedroom house with an annexe. We take a mountain of stuff - a case of good wine, champagne, a hamper from somewhere posh - and without fail, I send flowers after the event.