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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying to eat at friends house?

413 replies

Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 14:30

Is it weird to charge friends to come over to your house??

Basically, I have 4 good friends who I’ve known for years. I now live a couple of hours away, they all still live close together, and I visit maybe 3-4 times a year for a catch up. Normally we go out to eat or go to the pub. Last year I mentioned I was coming back one weekend and suggested going out for a meal. One friend said why didn’t we come to hers instead for a change - lovely. A couple of days beforehand she then made mention of us splitting the cost of food she was buying which I was quite taken aback by but which we did. Due to lockdown I last visited in February and we all went out for a meal then. I am due to visit again in a couple of weeks. A different friend suggested going to hers, and that we could split the cost again. Is it just me or is that really weird? I wouldn’t even consider offering to host and then charging people for food. My friends obviously do meet up regularly when I’m not here, often for dinner at each other’s houses, and I can’t imagine there’s money changing hands every time. Am I the factor? Is it because I don’t live there and can’t reciprocate? But then we are literally talking once or twice a year, it’s not like I come back every other weekend expecting to be hosted for free.... and obviously bringing alcohol goes without saying. I also offer to pick up any extra food they need which seems preferable to me to actually handing cash over.

Or is this a thing now? I Love hosting and it just wouldn’t even cross my mind to split the cost with people even if they weren’t able to host me in return. I do invite my friends to come and stay with me but it’s not a very interesting place and I think they can’t really be bothered, which is fine, I am happy travelling to them and it’s nice to see everyone together.

AIBU to think it’s a little weird to get people to split the cost of this or is it fair enough seeing as I’m not able to host them in return? (Not forgetting it wouldn’t even be once a year per friend and usually we go out anyway!)

Oh and while I don’t know the ins and outs of people’s financial situations obviously, to the best my knowledge we are all comfortable.

OP posts:
rattusrattus20 · 21/08/2020 16:09

I think it's certainly OK if they're paying for caterers or in a few other specific circumstances, e.g. if the number of guests is ridiculously huge; return visits to other guests' houses are unlikely; the food is something obviously expensive and divisible like everyone's having a lobster each or something.

'Bring a bottle' is more than normal.

'Bring something to put on the barbeque' is also totally fine.

Generally, though, it's weird and awkward.

notacooldad · 21/08/2020 16:12

It's not the usual but I would be happy with it if the rest of the group was.
I have one friend who is an amazing cook and I would be extremely happy with this arrangement with my group of friends if she hosted all the time!

nogoodsolution · 21/08/2020 16:12

Very weird. No, you don't charge guests if you invite them. Even if you're very strapped for cash (as I am), you can make something very cheap that tastes nice and feeds several people.

Though I think it's odd when people ask if they can bring anything. I know they're being nice, but it feels a bit as if they're suggesting that the host can't provide adequately for his/her guests.

PigletJohn · 21/08/2020 16:13

I can imagine a group might do that if they repeatedly entertained and one or more members never reciprocated.

Original poster
Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 16:17

Is that directed at me @PigletJohn? I’ve already explained I can’t reciprocate as I don’t live there and they haven’t accepted invitations to come to me. It is also just once or twice a year and never suggested by me.

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 21/08/2020 16:27

No.

Dillydallyingthrough · 21/08/2020 16:34

I think this is really weird, I've never heard of this. If I host I buy the food and booze (even at Christmas), everyone turns up with a bottle but I never expect or ask for it. The closest would be a group of 8 of us regularly meet, if we order a takeaway we order our own dishes but all chip in. But if they all come round for dinner I would never ask for a contribution.

Karwomannghia · 21/08/2020 16:39

I’ve never experienced this but it seems that after the first friend did it the second one though well if you’re going to charge I will too!

melj1213 · 21/08/2020 16:44

Depends on the circumstances.

Sometimes if we dont want to go out my friends will have night in with a takeaway that we all chip in for. Who ever "hosts" basically provides their house and is in charge of organizing/ordering the takeaway and then everyone chips in their share. Everyone brings a bottle and the host usually has all the mixers/soft drinks that we share.

Perhaps this is how they usually get together when you're not around and so it just seemed second nature for them to do it when you visited last time but instead of being responsible for a takeaway the host offered to cook instead?

This time, with covid restrictions in restaurants etc, I wouldnt want to go out for a meal when I could go to a friends house instead.

notacooldad · 21/08/2020 16:51

The more I think about it the more appealing it sounds tbh.
I think it is a great idea.
I don't know why people are so hung up around money or be embarrassed over it.
If everyone is in agreement why not.
It takes the burden from one person who would be doing all the paying, preparation, serving and washing up.
I hope this idea takes off especially as its not fun in restaurants at moment.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 21/08/2020 16:56

TBH if one of my friends asked this, I wouldn’t mind paying. But I know they are all fab hosts and if they asked this it would be really great food! I don’t think they’d ever ask though...

I wouldn’t ever charge myself, unless perhaps someone had asked me to do the hosting on the basis everyone would chip in. Not if it was my invitation to them in the first place though!

Chezacheza · 21/08/2020 16:58

@HollowTalk

I would ask one of the others privately what's going on and whether they do this when you're not there.
No I wouldn’t as your look like a dick.

Two people out of your friendship group think this is a great idea.

And so do I.

I’ve spent a small fortune on hosting. I enjoy hosting but it can add up.

I’d definitely go along with this as it takes the burden of the cost away ( that’s why the other friend followed suit) and I’m sure you will end up spending way less than if you went out.

Remember your on the outskirts of this group. You don’t know what’s going on financially at home.

WaxOnFeckOff · 21/08/2020 16:58

I wouldn't dream of it. If I was hard up, then i'd either not host or just do drinks and nibbles and expect that folk would turn up with a bottle.

Only time people have paid for food at mine is if they've been staying a few days and suggest getting us all a take-away as a thank you.

Presumably there are only a few of you so surely you just cut the menu to what you can afford? If feeling generous then steaks or whatever, if feeling skint then a curry or pasta or whatever. They are friends, they are there to see each other and have a catch up, it;s not come dine with me.

BikerWife · 21/08/2020 16:59

I've gone to friends for takeaway and we all split cost which is similar I suppose? A family member also offered to host bonfire night if we shared the cost so we all put £10 in and she got all the fireworks and food, it was a lovely evening.

I've never been invited to a friends and asked to pay towards food, only to bring a side or pudding or drinks etc. but I wouldn't think it was that weird, I would just assume friend was broke!

Plussizejumpsuit · 21/08/2020 17:00

Broke students is one thing, still I'd expect just to take turns. But in your 40s unless you are really struggling this is odd. I'd expect if you are fairly close you'd know if things were tough?

Fennelandlovage · 21/08/2020 17:01

Each bringing a dish or drink co tribute on is maybe a way to achieve the same outcome plus less work for the host. Could you suggest that instead? Starter, pudding, cheese, wine etc.

Mum2154 · 21/08/2020 17:07

I’ve heard of this but not in UK. Went to uni friends house few years back and her and her husband asked us to pay half of the shopping they did for our visit. Apparently it’s common in that country. Not going to say where as will be identifiable! Is your friend from UK?

Chezacheza · 21/08/2020 17:08

Also OP these ladies go out whilst your not there. They could have discussed how well it worked whilst you wasn’t around.

There is zero point of bringing it up. If you do you have a very good chance of them telling the other women your opinion - which will cause offence.

Just dont go if you think it’s rude but I think you’ll find they will all eventually do it

yolio · 21/08/2020 17:17

I suppose I'm going to sound smug, but neither me or any other hosts we know would dream of asking for a contribution to a meal provided by any of us.

Guests would always bring wine, beer and maybe a little cake or something, but no, money would never change hands.

I couldn't go to anything like that, and would say so, and insist we go to a pub lunch or something. I do realise we would pay our way in a venue, but it's voluntary.

Ugh, sorry that it just awful, well to me it is.

Original poster
Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 17:23

@Chezacheza I have no plans to bring it up. I’m aware I’m not part of the ‘inner circle’ anymore so who knows what they’ve discussed about it.

I love my friends and I value our many years of friendship so there’s no way I’m not going and I shall look forward to seeing them in a couple of weeks. I just hope she doesn’t announce its £20pp or something because that would definitely raise a Hmm

I was just wondering if this was something that was more common than I realised because like I said it’s not something I would do or indeed that I’ve really come across before.

OP posts:
Davespecifico · 21/08/2020 17:24

If you do ever get the chance to host them, make sure to be the hostess with the mostest. if they offer any money, say you wouldn’t dream of accepting it as you’re the host.

Somethingkindaoooo · 21/08/2020 17:25

Why not suggest a takeaway, which you all contribute to?

Benjispruce2 · 21/08/2020 17:26

It can be very expensive to host but you suggested a meal out and they decided to invite you home. In that case I think yanbu. Is there a reason they won’t eat out?

Tumbleweed101 · 21/08/2020 17:26

I would limit the numbers to something I was prepared/able to afford for a meal but there are plenty of cheap meals to make if you’re cooking. Would expect people to bring own alcohol but have something available. Wouldn’t ask for a contribution. I’m not well off and I don’t often host for many but wouldn’t share costs if I’d invited everyone over.

I do share costs at Xmas with family though as it’s usually held at mine.

yolio · 21/08/2020 17:27

Davespecifico

I like that approach, keep your dignity and get the message across. Brilliant!

On the other hand if you don't ask for a contribution, no one will offer either I think!

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