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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying to eat at friends house?

413 replies

Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 14:30

Is it weird to charge friends to come over to your house??

Basically, I have 4 good friends who I’ve known for years. I now live a couple of hours away, they all still live close together, and I visit maybe 3-4 times a year for a catch up. Normally we go out to eat or go to the pub. Last year I mentioned I was coming back one weekend and suggested going out for a meal. One friend said why didn’t we come to hers instead for a change - lovely. A couple of days beforehand she then made mention of us splitting the cost of food she was buying which I was quite taken aback by but which we did. Due to lockdown I last visited in February and we all went out for a meal then. I am due to visit again in a couple of weeks. A different friend suggested going to hers, and that we could split the cost again. Is it just me or is that really weird? I wouldn’t even consider offering to host and then charging people for food. My friends obviously do meet up regularly when I’m not here, often for dinner at each other’s houses, and I can’t imagine there’s money changing hands every time. Am I the factor? Is it because I don’t live there and can’t reciprocate? But then we are literally talking once or twice a year, it’s not like I come back every other weekend expecting to be hosted for free.... and obviously bringing alcohol goes without saying. I also offer to pick up any extra food they need which seems preferable to me to actually handing cash over.

Or is this a thing now? I Love hosting and it just wouldn’t even cross my mind to split the cost with people even if they weren’t able to host me in return. I do invite my friends to come and stay with me but it’s not a very interesting place and I think they can’t really be bothered, which is fine, I am happy travelling to them and it’s nice to see everyone together.

AIBU to think it’s a little weird to get people to split the cost of this or is it fair enough seeing as I’m not able to host them in return? (Not forgetting it wouldn’t even be once a year per friend and usually we go out anyway!)

Oh and while I don’t know the ins and outs of people’s financial situations obviously, to the best my knowledge we are all comfortable.

OP posts:
Palestrina20 · 24/08/2020 20:27

I meet up with 3 friends every year for a night or 2. One night we eat out and the other night we cook in, but it's an extravagant multiple course meal with red/white/dessert wine and we always split the cost. Splitting allows us to be ultra extravagant.

Onestepup · 24/08/2020 20:40

Very odd IMO. If you invite, you offer your hospitality and provide food and drink. If you want to keep costs down, have people round for tea/coffee and cake.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/08/2020 07:22

If I felt guilty that I couldn't reciprocate by hosting, I would make sure I arrived laden with really good wine and gifts. Mannerless me wouldn't want wine or gifts and definitely not bloody flowers! Mannerless, tight, rude, odd me would prefer the cash so I could push the boat out and we could all have an extravagent meal, practice some new recipes.

That's the point of such meals. They aren't "Oh, come over to mine I'm cooking lasagne!" They are "I fancy trying a full on Moroccan feast, from makrout to briouat, chermoula or shalda to bastilla, but maybe not chebakia or kaab el ghazal!"

The dishes we cook are usually ones that are best done in large quantities; can take a couple of days prep; always take a fair few hours to eat and a lot of good company, board games, alcohol, loud music and hard cash to make it successful. And that is what we have been doing for decades!

Hell, we even went through a phase of having afternoon tea, just so we could bake the most ridiculous cakes!

If you don't get it, it offends your sensibilities etc, that's absolutely fine! But do you really have to be so stereotypically fucking Mumsnetty rude about those of us who enjoy it? Does it make you feel superior? Nice!

Bougie · 25/08/2020 07:35

It is a bit weird but you could ask the most approachable friend in the group quietly why they have decided to do this. Maybe one of the group is really broke, and the others are quietly doing this so she doesn't have to be different from the rest. If there isn't a reason, I guess you had better go along with it if you want to keep in with your friends.

seayork2020 · 25/08/2020 07:42

On forums I have heard about this but not IRL - very odd and I would not being involved so would decline and invitation

If it was a joint or and explained thing then like anything fine but a straight

"how about the 5 of us do this thing and take it in turns'

'I would really love to have you all over but I can't afford to host and pay for everything can we all split the costs'

'Can everyone bring food to share'

I get the above but not straight 'I am inviting you over but you have to pay'

DillonPanthersTexas · 25/08/2020 07:51

CuriousaboutSamphire

If that system is something you have arranged in advance and everyone buys into then great. Fill your boots. What you have sounds more like a dinner/cooking club rather then an informal catch up dinner.

What you don't do is invite people for dinner and then charge them. Doesn't matter if you are just making spag bog or an 8 course extravaganza. It's very poor form.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/08/2020 08:03

What you don't do is invite people for dinner and then charge them. Doesn't matter if you are just making spag bog or an 8 course extravaganza. It's very poor form. So make that distinction when you choose to add the snark at the end! Nobody would disagree that the sudden application of charges is bloody rude!

But read the comments back! That isn't what most posters are saying is rude. What most are saying is that apparently ALL charging is naff. Even that would be OK, but most also add something about the host being crass - and that is the typical bunfest I am highlighting!

And no, we don't have a cooking club... nor do we do Supper Safaris or any other organised, regular affair. What we have is a group of friends who every now and then get together for a large meal and share the costs! We do actually invite each other over do a meal and charge them... but we know that's the deal!

Rewis · 25/08/2020 08:10

I do think the key for me here is that they are not really hosting. They are offering an alternative location. Like I mentioned earlier, we do pay our share unless a person is specifically inviting to a dinner party. For us the difference is "hey, haven't hanged out in a while. Should we meet up? Husband is out of town for business so my house is free if you wanna come here" (We pay) vs. "Welcome to a dinner party at my house on March 13" (host pays)

Also, as a guest id rather pay than bring a dish or gifts etc.

lyralalala · 25/08/2020 16:34

@seayork2020

On forums I have heard about this but not IRL - very odd and I would not being involved so would decline and invitation

If it was a joint or and explained thing then like anything fine but a straight

"how about the 5 of us do this thing and take it in turns'

'I would really love to have you all over but I can't afford to host and pay for everything can we all split the costs'

'Can everyone bring food to share'

I get the above but not straight 'I am inviting you over but you have to pay'

Surely, given that two of the group of four who socialise regularly have suggested the exact same thing, it's pretty clear they've had that conversation and they're just including the OP in their new normal way of doing things
hibbledobble · 25/08/2020 16:51

It is rude. If one can't afford to host then one shouldn't. Generally, hospitality is reciprocated, and guests usually bring a gift eg wine.

I once encountered this in real life. I wasn't warned beforehand, otherwise I wouldn't have gone. The meal was utterly appalling, and it was shocking to be presented with a per head bill afterwards. The most grating thing was that as a vegetarian I was asked to pay towards the meat, which I have a moral objection too. They are no longer friends.

notacooldad · 27/08/2020 06:59

How on earth is it classed as rude if the core group of friends have decided it's something they want to do. If they are happy with it and it works for them - brilliant.
Nobody said that someone in the group couldn't afford to host. ( I don't think, I'm not wading through all the posts again!). It's just their thing.
To me it sounds great. Chuck a few quid in and no fafff of shopping, cooking and cleaning. but a night in at a mates house which is currently more relaxing than a restaurant. Why not?

It's a complete non issue. If you are stuck up your own arse and 'offended,' 'think it's 'cringe', 'be seriously embarrassed ' and other such nonsense, well it's not compulsory to be part of that crowd.

Kisskiss · 27/08/2020 07:41

In the past I would have found it really weird, and would definitely never even think of asking friends for money..
however when lockdown was easing up, we wanted to meet up, and we’re deciding between a park picnic or something else ( although restaurants weren’t open yet at this stage ).
One friend volunteered her house / to cook/host. We were all really grAteful as it would be more comfortable there and offered her money towards the food costs.. she declined, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time!
Maybe your friends do these dinners very regularly, and it’s usually the same host as she’s the best cook/enjoys it best? In that case I think it’s ok if people contribute to the dinner. Id probably feel guilty if I didn’t

Positivitylieswithin · 27/08/2020 07:42

I think it's rude considering you are the one who is having to travel as they can't be assed to come to you. Do they offer to chip in on your travel expenses? I bet not.

I wouldn't do this ever and have always hosted for a small group of friends but they will offer to bring some snacks or dessert which is just courteous

I don't think you are in the wrong for finding this odd Flowers

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