Paying to eat at friends house?

[Itswindytoday]

Is it weird to charge friends to come over to your house??

Basically, I have 4 good friends who I’ve known for years. I now live a couple of hours away, they all still live close together, and I visit maybe 3-4 times a year for a catch up. Normally we go out to eat or go to the pub. Last year I mentioned I was coming back one weekend and suggested going out for a meal. One friend said why didn’t we come to hers instead for a change - lovely. A couple of days beforehand she then made mention of us splitting the cost of food she was buying which I was quite taken aback by but which we did. Due to lockdown I last visited in February and we all went out for a meal then. I am due to visit again in a couple of weeks. A different friend suggested going to hers, and that we could split the cost again. Is it just me or is that really weird? I wouldn’t even consider offering to host and then charging people for food. My friends obviously do meet up regularly when I’m not here, often for dinner at each other’s houses, and I can’t imagine there’s money changing hands every time. Am I the factor? Is it because I don’t live there and can’t reciprocate? But then we are literally talking once or twice a year, it’s not like I come back every other weekend expecting to be hosted for free.... and obviously bringing alcohol goes without saying. I also offer to pick up any extra food they need which seems preferable to me to actually handing cash over.

Or is this a thing now? I Love hosting and it just wouldn’t even cross my mind to split the cost with people even if they weren’t able to host me in return. I do invite my friends to come and stay with me but it’s not a very interesting place and I think they can’t really be bothered, which is fine, I am happy travelling to them and it’s nice to see everyone together.

AIBU to think it’s a little weird to get people to split the cost of this or is it fair enough seeing as I’m not able to host them in return? (Not forgetting it wouldn’t even be once a year per friend and usually we go out anyway!)

Oh and while I don’t know the ins and outs of people’s financial situations obviously, to the best my knowledge we are all comfortable.

Yeah I find that really weird in your situation.

We do something like this amongst my group of friends, but it’s only because the same person always hosts (best/most convenient house) and it’s not fair, so we often either bring the food or give her money for it.

It’s weird. Perhaps you can ask her to contribute to your petrol seeing as you’re travelling to her?

That’s really strange. I’d love you to ask her just to know why but you can’t really ask can you!

I would ask one of the others privately what's going on and whether they do this when you're not there.

I used to do this with one of my friend groups when we were young and skint. We used to split the cost of the meals we had at each other's houses. But we don't do it any more. We are now in our 30's.

Oh that's weird

It's different if everyone brings something to help keep costs low but to actually charge is rude imo

I would never ask for money for dinner at mine. If it was a large number of people then some might contribute courses (eg dessert) or nibbles but I'd wait for them to offer rather than assume they will. And that is more about reducing the work than the cost. If I'm invited to dinner I take a bottle of wine and some chocolates.

I would be insulated tbh and the food would have to be seriously Michelin star! I would just suggested drinks and crisps next time and you all take turns to bring. I would also ask outright if everything was okay for them financially 😂😂

They are abnormal, not you.

I would literally rather serve pasta and cheese if my finances demanded, over asking for money.

Seeing friends is supposed to be about the company.

We share the cost of a takeaway as I know some of my friends can't afford the odd £5/£10 here and there but it would be a squeeze for her to cater for all of us if we go to hers so just makes it it more inclusive and if she was the only one who had to ask for a contribution it would be embarrassing for her.

It's not usual but there is nothing wrong with it. You are a friendship group who usually meet up to go out to eat, so presumably split the bill. Why not split the bill when you meet up for dinner at someone's house? It's good arrangement for that particular group because it makes it fair on everyone. It would be a bit cheeky of you to expect your friends to always host you going forwards when you can't reciprocate, unless you are going to take everyone out to a restaurant when it is your turn to host?

We've done this a few times over the years. Someone in our group has wanted to cook a specific meal, or host a evening but not cook and we club togther for the food, bring our own alcohol and clean up after ourselves (OK, maybe we go back with breakfast and clean up properly the next morning!).

There's nothing wrong with it if that's what you all agree to do.

It's the surprising people with it that is the issue!

but if you don’t have the money (which I genuinely don’t believe is the case) why offer to host? Or why offer to host a meal? In our case it was because as individuals or couples we couldn't afford to eat out. Some of us were/are good cooks and clubbing together meant we could eat better quality food. Some of our group didn't like it and so didn't come. But those of us who did the first meal in the mid 1990s are still doing it now - that's 4 couples. We have done through job moves, some having kids and even a divorce. It suits us!

Weird!
Maybe you should all do a potluck type of thing instead.

I personally wouldn't do it, I'm happy to provide what my guests need, however I'm probably too soft and provide everything such as alcohol too (my bank hates me after girls night at my house haha) However if a friend asked for money towards a gathering she was hosting I'd have no problem in giving them the money, or offering to being certain things to contribute.

It is odd.

My friends and I do this if we’re ordering take away to the houses but not if hosting people for dinner. We tend to take it in turns and people often bring wine or chocolates or something along.

I have friends that do this, and friends that don't. I'm happy to do whatever the host suggests. As long as it's clear and not sprung on you at the last minute I don't care.

I wouldn't ask for money myself but I'm not skint and I enjoy laying on a meal.

Also this is local, if I was paying £50 train fare to visit someone I'd expect them to feed me.

The only time this has happened is if we've all pre-agreed and it is food that is delivered or bought in. A friend once got loads of Waitrose sushi in to eat before we were going to the theatre and we all agreed to split the cost as it was instead of trying to fit in a meal out before the theatre performance. If someone is cooking though? No, the most they should do is ask you to bring something.

I have 5 friends and we meet up every month or so, if someone cooks then no we don't split cost, if we order a take out we do. I could never ask my friends for money if I cooked for them, and haven't done previously - and they haven't either.

Very odd. I've got one friend who sometimes does this but as a fundraiser. She's the best cook out of us and sometimes we agree to each give a certain amount; she provides the food and the money goes to charity. I've never had a friend ask me for money just to pay their costs.

My friends obviously do meet up regularly when I’m not here, often for dinner at each other’s houses, and I can’t imagine there’s money changing hands every time. Am I the factor? Is it because I don’t live there and can’t reciprocate?

I think you've answered your own question.

Even if you take drinks, do you take enough for everyone?

@orangenasturtium I don’t expect them to host me - I always suggest going out and it is just in the odd occasion one of them will say come to their house instead. Also as I made clear in my post, as I don’t visit that often, even if we went to someone’s house every time (which we don’t) that would work out as no more than once a year per friend!! And I always bring alcohol and offer food.

A bit odd but I've split the cost by one person brings dessert and cheese, one starters, salad and bread, 1 wine and the host makes the main.

That's really weird, I've never heard of anyone doing that.

@Lweji as per my post above. We actually probably only meet up for an evening at someone’s house maybe twice a year, usually we go out for dinner - I don’t think I’m massively taking the mickey by not being able to host in return. No I don’t take enough alcohol for 5 people.

I’d pay but avoid going around for food again and stick to meals out (if I’m paying for good I want to choose it and for it to be decent!). Very odd!