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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's uncle wants to move into our new house with his wife and 2 kids,... We've not even got the keys yet!!

389 replies

UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 08:59

DHs uncle is a proprietor, currently renovating a large house in his home town. Husband and I found a lovely house also in the same town and with his uncle's help(financially too) we will soon be completing purchase. It's located 5 mins away from an exceptionally excellent independent primary school.

Yesterday DHs uncle requested to move into our soon to be new house if his house renovation is not completed in time for his 5yo son to start school in September.
His uncle had paid for his son to start this private school last year also. However their new house wasn't ready then either and the parents couldn't get their son awake and ready in time for the 35min journey from their current house to this school. His uncle's wife refuses to take her son to his current preschool which is 2 doors away from their current house. So his uncle does the school run during work hours.
DH works for his uncle in the town his uncle currently lives in. Last year they lost the money he paid for the school, it seems they are in the same situation again this year. However they want our new house before we have even got the keys and moved in.
DH parents also live by this school, and his uncle had lived there until he got married. He has in the recent past stayed there with his wife and kids too, for 2 weeks. I've asked DH why they don't stay there, he said they not welcome back.
They will expect hotel treatment, restaurant service, childcare for their 5yo son and 1yo daughter just like they did at my PIL. I have my own 1yo DD to look after. And to be honest when we went on holiday last November with them and extended family, they avoided our company by retreating to their room whenever we were around, so I'm completely baffled as to why they even suggested this.
DH feels he can't refuse his uncle given the excessive help we've received in actually buying this house(it was beyond our budget) But jointly neither of us want them living in our new house.
We're not sure how much longer his house will take to be ready, the electric and gas are not connected yet, they haven't fitted any furniture, they've made no attempt in packing/decluttering their current house.
We will be working endlessly to pay for this perfectly lovely house we're buying, DHs uncle family are notorious for being messy, we wont be able to afford repairing things they damage, we've only just managed to afford the house. And is it honestly prefect. I really don't want it ruined by his uncle's family.
Please help me find a way to say no without being rude and still showing him we appreciate all the help his uncle has given.

OP posts:
Scrumptiousbears · 21/08/2020 09:06

This is awkward really as you're family are very heavily relying on his uncle what with DH job and the funding for you to even get this house which by the sounds of it is stretching you anyway. If you refuse could/would uncle pull funding and the job?

Dozer · 21/08/2020 09:08

Your post is hard to understand.

It sounds as though your DH is financially dependent on his uncle, for work and your housing. That makes his / your position very difficult.

Ontheroadtorecovery · 21/08/2020 09:10

Are you all going to live there together?

HasaDigaEebowai · 21/08/2020 09:11

This sounds like a nightmare. But you have put yourselves in a position where you are beholden to him and he feels like he partly owns the house. Does he actually legally part own the house?

I would say no right from the outset otherwise you're setting yourselves up from ongoing problems.

Dozer · 21/08/2020 09:12

Is the house legally yours/DH’s? If so then you can refuse the request, but would expect a negative reaction.

Do you and DH intend to repay the money from his uncle towards the property, or was it a gift? If the former, get a written agreement on terms etc.

Presumably a risk is that if he doesn’t comply DH could lose his employment with his uncle: IMO would make sense to look for alternative employment anyway.

RiteAid · 21/08/2020 09:12

It’s very difficult because of the help they gave you in buying it. I can see why that makes it so hard so say no.

Could you compromise by saying they can stay but for no longer than a month? And if they do stay, don’t wait on them or look after their children. If they aren’t getting an easy ride of it they may be less inclined to stay.

LonelyFromCorona · 21/08/2020 09:12

What @Dozer said

Perhaps best to cancel purchase and get a house more affordable by yourselves?

I think given the current situation, assuming the house is big enough for everyone, you can't really say no...

Beautiful3 · 21/08/2020 09:12

I would forget the house as you seem reliant on his funding and job. Get a house on your own terms so that you can say no.

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 21/08/2020 09:14

Well, if you're taking their handouts you can't very well slam the door in their faces.

If i were you I'd get a house you can afford by yourselves instead, and then say no to the uncle. OR take their money and then just suck it up and do something nice for the people who are doing you a huge favour.

Original poster
UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 09:14

He is a business man. A few years ago he was willing to selling his business that DH works in as someone had made an excellent offer. DH managed to convince him not to sell. DH is paid very well by his uncle, which he says he wouldn't get anywhere else.
So yeah his uncle as generous as he is, he may suddenly want his money back. We just couldn't do that without losing the house. We've got ourselves in a situation where we are under his thumb.

OP posts:
AriettyHomily · 21/08/2020 09:14

I don't see how you can say no no matter how much you don't want it to happen. Time to stand on your own two feet?

Clockwork99 · 21/08/2020 09:14

YABU. Can't have it both ways... Either get a house on your own basis, or deal with them in your house for awhile!

7yo7yo · 21/08/2020 09:14

Wait till you get the house and say no.
He’s chosen to help you financially, he wasn’t forced into it (was he?).
And if he tries to argue, budget to pay him back.

Bluntness100 · 21/08/2020 09:15

Seriously? They keep paying school fees but can’t get the kid up to go so loose the place?

GetUpAgain · 21/08/2020 09:16

You can't have it both ways. You accept so much from the uncle. Either be independent and buy your own house, or take support from the uncle but then you owe him.

PrayingandHoping · 21/08/2020 09:16

Sounds like in the back of uncles mind he always had this plan to be able to use this house if he gave u money as he has it over your heads!

He can't get his kid up and ready for a half hour drive to school? Really? He needs to get a grip.

EvilPea · 21/08/2020 09:17

You have to accept the terms that come with financial support.
Sorry.
The only positive you could take is from the holiday it doesn’t sound like they want to be around you, so hopefully they won’t bother you too much for too long

PrincessPain · 21/08/2020 09:18

I don't think you should get this house if everything is down to uncle and his generousity.
Seems like a bad idea in the current climate, especially as you say DH is well paid but wouldn't be paid so much in a similar role else where.
All money comes with strings, these are the strings. You take your choice, less flashy house but the Uncle has no say and you can tell him no.
Or keep taking the Uncles money, but hes acting like he thinks you owe him, which, you kind of do.

JellyfishandShells · 21/08/2020 09:19

I’m still stuck on they couldn’t get a five year old awake and ready for a 35 minute trip to school ! (There being no other mention of SEN or other difficulties)

Winter2020 · 21/08/2020 09:19

Where are you living now? E.g. with family or renting? If so could you offer to stay where you are and that Uncle can move into your house (and pay the mortgage) until their house is ready. It's not ideal and they could still damage your house but they will see that you don't want to live with them but are making a generous offer and might not be interested as it's not free and they won't be waited on or get childcare.

Are there any places up for rent (on the internet) that you can show them.

dancingpenguins · 21/08/2020 09:19

How much of a financial contribution has the uncle made towards the house? Was it a gift or a loan? Does he partly own the property!

Furiousfive · 21/08/2020 09:21

It'll be difficult to say no as you've accepted so much help from him. Is the money a loan or a gift?

Newkitchen123 · 21/08/2020 09:21

Why did you buy a house that you can't afford?

Dozer · 21/08/2020 09:21

So you/DH accepted a substantial sum of money without it being clear whether it’s a gift or a loan?!

Assuming the property is legally yours, you could sell it, pay back the money to DH’s uncle, and seek housing that you can afford. Also bearing in mind that your H’s income is dependent on his uncle, ie wouldn’t buy anywhere you couldn’t afford if DH had to work elsewhere for a lower salary.

This property wasn’t ‘perfect’ for you: you couldn’t afford it without an offer that came with considerable family problems.

Hoppinggreen · 21/08/2020 09:23

They sound like a bloody nightmare to live with but the uncle has given your DH a job and even not sold his business so your DH can keep the job. He has also contributed towards your new house.
If you dont want him to live with you than you need to stand on your own 2 feet a bit more so you are in a position to say no. I get the impression that you are from a culture where multi generation families living together isnt unusual and neither is working in a family business but if you want to take the help than it comes with obligation too

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