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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH's uncle wants to move into our new house with his wife and 2 kids,... We've not even got the keys yet!!

389 replies

UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 08:59

DHs uncle is a proprietor, currently renovating a large house in his home town. Husband and I found a lovely house also in the same town and with his uncle's help(financially too) we will soon be completing purchase. It's located 5 mins away from an exceptionally excellent independent primary school.

Yesterday DHs uncle requested to move into our soon to be new house if his house renovation is not completed in time for his 5yo son to start school in September.
His uncle had paid for his son to start this private school last year also. However their new house wasn't ready then either and the parents couldn't get their son awake and ready in time for the 35min journey from their current house to this school. His uncle's wife refuses to take her son to his current preschool which is 2 doors away from their current house. So his uncle does the school run during work hours.
DH works for his uncle in the town his uncle currently lives in. Last year they lost the money he paid for the school, it seems they are in the same situation again this year. However they want our new house before we have even got the keys and moved in.
DH parents also live by this school, and his uncle had lived there until he got married. He has in the recent past stayed there with his wife and kids too, for 2 weeks. I've asked DH why they don't stay there, he said they not welcome back.
They will expect hotel treatment, restaurant service, childcare for their 5yo son and 1yo daughter just like they did at my PIL. I have my own 1yo DD to look after. And to be honest when we went on holiday last November with them and extended family, they avoided our company by retreating to their room whenever we were around, so I'm completely baffled as to why they even suggested this.
DH feels he can't refuse his uncle given the excessive help we've received in actually buying this house(it was beyond our budget) But jointly neither of us want them living in our new house.
We're not sure how much longer his house will take to be ready, the electric and gas are not connected yet, they haven't fitted any furniture, they've made no attempt in packing/decluttering their current house.
We will be working endlessly to pay for this perfectly lovely house we're buying, DHs uncle family are notorious for being messy, we wont be able to afford repairing things they damage, we've only just managed to afford the house. And is it honestly prefect. I really don't want it ruined by his uncle's family.
Please help me find a way to say no without being rude and still showing him we appreciate all the help his uncle has given.

OP posts:

Petlover9 · 22/08/2020 19:09

Forget more children for now, get back to work and suggest that your husband looks for another job. Then get a mortgage in joint names in a home that is in joint names and be Independent from uncle. That may mean a smaller home but it will be YOUR home and the only people that you will owe will be the mortgage company. If you get anymore involved with the Controlling uncle your life will never be yours or you and your husband will always be arguing about the situation. You cannot have what you cannot afford and a large house and more children seem to be out of reach for the time being. You have to be realistic

eatsleepread · 22/08/2020 19:19

You and your husband are grown adults. Either live within your means, or accept that there will be consequences of a 'give and take' nature.

angeltop · 22/08/2020 20:01

what if the uncle gets another juicy offer for his business and decides to accept. No job. No house.

Ellie4747 · 22/08/2020 20:05

What a tough situation as understand it’s difficult with you husband job etc it also sounds like no matter what you do your husband is dead set on this house.

If it were me I wouldn’t say they can’t stay but I would figure out way to put them off, I’d message the wife saying things like looking forward to you coming it would be great to have an extra pair of hands with cooking and shopping.
And maybe say I hope you don’t but I’ve also got some of your own family coming to stay for a couple of days too so it will be great.

Hopefully say enough to put them off but in a friendly way they that way will be there idea.

angeltop · 22/08/2020 20:20

Do you have a traditional marriage, is your husband hands on. Watch uncle, aunty, and child move in decide it’s a nice set up. Aunty gets easy life, you end up like a modern day slave.

SarahFrances89 · 22/08/2020 20:41

YAB Massively U. Don’t take handouts and rely on nepotism and family money and then not expect to have to help the people out who are enabling you to buy this dream house l, that you can’t afford even on your husband’s inflated salary from his uncle.

Notenoughchocolateomg · 22/08/2020 20:43

This is why I never accept help from anyone. I refuse to be beholden to them.

SarahFrances89 · 22/08/2020 20:56

I just saw more of your messages OP about wanting to pull out and having been asking your husband for months to do so - I’m really sorry for the situation you’re in and for my earlier harsh comment. It’s really unfair of your husband to put you in this situation and I’m really sorry for the pressure it’s putting you under to return to work. I really hope that you’re able to work something out.

aivilodraw · 22/08/2020 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

aivilodraw · 22/08/2020 21:11

OP please ignore my shitty last post - I had only read your first 4 posts and didn’t realise there were more - just caught up. Bloody hell your situation is way different to what I first realised! If you haven’t exchanged on the house you can do so without “fines” you’ll just pay some solicitor costs. I hope you work it out, uncle sounds super weird...

Saz12 · 22/08/2020 21:46

You have relied on family help and money. So now you are beholden to them.

So. You can choose to stand on your own feet, be independent and make your own choices. Or, you can have an unusually close extended family unit (they bankroll you, but you all live together).

You cannot expect to receive money from people for free and be surprised that they want something in return.

TacCat49 · 23/08/2020 01:12

Could the 5yr only board with you Mon to Fri returning to his family on Friday night for the weekend? A weekly $ amount for his board would be calculated and offset against the loan.

Celestine70 · 23/08/2020 01:39

You need to cut this relationship. Why would you want to be so dependent on someone. Sounds to me as if this was the uncle's plan all along. Your partner should get a different job and take a pay cut. Buy a cheaper house.

Scarriff · 23/08/2020 07:09

It is an interesting dilemma. Is your DH from a culture where intergenerational holiday and living arrangements are the norm? In which case I think you are stuck at least for the forseeable future. You need a second kitchen, bathroom and sitting room however rudimentary. Plan to eat together on Friday nights or some other plan that implies your relatives do their own cooking and cleaning most of the time.
Start some kind of education where you need a room to yourself in the evenings. Ask your parents in law to have their son and his family for a weekly dinner to "help". Offer to help with their children once a week implying that other days it's up to them. All good luck. My great aunt took to her bed in similar circumstances.

Scarriff · 23/08/2020 08:47

I've just got one more thing to say. A five year old in nappies is unlikely to be accepted by any school. They will want to meet the parents and discuss the child with them. It may be he has learning difficulties. but you wont be able to stand in for the child's mother. This might be your excuse to stand back politely from what is q difficult situation. Get your name on the mortgage as others advise. You are entitled to do that.
L

Grrrrdarling · 23/08/2020 11:59

Having read your original post & your second comment I see only a couple of ways to deal with this.

You say no, explain why (you are all grownups & although the truth hurts they may take on board what you are saying) & hope uncle doesn’t pull rug from under you.
You allow their child to stay with you so they can go to the school parents are paying for & parents can then completely focus on getting their family home ready sooner. One child extra might incur a slight increase in your outgoings for food, power etc but that could be agreed as an amount that could be written off what you owe Uncle.
You say yes BUT IT COMES WITH A CONTRACT. That contract will make your Uncle & his family responsible for their financial responsibilities & behaviour while they are living in YOUR HOME & have an end date to it by which time they need to have their home habitable enough for them to move into it.

Please remember that you are now homeowners too & this is YOUR HOME NOT THEIRS. They should be greatful if you let them stay with you & not treat your home as a hotel. If they want to that then the contract should include a clause that covers you for that behaviour also.
Any monies Uncle ‘lent you’ should have originally been put into a contract to prevent any abuse of that loan. Even families can be funny when it comes to money & many will take this piss if given the chance. Start as you mean to go on & stand your ground.
Again in the contract you should note the amount Uncle lent to you & add stipulations as to how that money will be used to pay for any damages done to your home by said uncle & family & how any ‘extra services’ they continually expect rather than occasionally appreciate, like childminding, school runs, cleaning, washing, cooking etc, etc.

If you are all on the same page from the start & you have a legal leg to stand on then things may run more smoothly.

Proudofmynane · 23/08/2020 12:44

Tough titty!! You saw this coming, but you want the private school and the big new house paid for by someone elses money. You and your DH are adults now with your own kids. Get a new job and a house you can afford all by yourselves!! Live free within your own means. Not someone elses!!

Hayyancairo2 · 23/08/2020 12:54

@Grrrrdarling

Having read your original post & your second comment I see only a couple of ways to deal with this.

You say no, explain why (you are all grownups & although the truth hurts they may take on board what you are saying) & hope uncle doesn’t pull rug from under you.
You allow their child to stay with you so they can go to the school parents are paying for & parents can then completely focus on getting their family home ready sooner. One child extra might incur a slight increase in your outgoings for food, power etc but that could be agreed as an amount that could be written off what you owe Uncle.
You say yes BUT IT COMES WITH A CONTRACT. That contract will make your Uncle & his family responsible for their financial responsibilities & behaviour while they are living in YOUR HOME & have an end date to it by which time they need to have their home habitable enough for them to move into it.

If you are all on the same page from the start & you have a legal leg to stand on then things may run more smoothly.

I can only see this arrangement getting really messy. OP can't draw up a contract with Uncle against things like 'extra services' they continually expect. This implies she will be doing extra for them. I'm not sure OP would be happy looking after a 5 year old in nappies Mon - Fri, getting ready for school, taking to school, picking up from school and looking after, feeding then bath and bed. Her back is already up, before they've moved in. Just get out of the sale. Let Uncle buy it with one of his many properties.

Hayyancairo2 · 23/08/2020 12:56

@Proudofmynane

OP doesn't want the private school, the Uncle does.

Tistheseason17 · 23/08/2020 13:21

If you do let him stay you MUST charge rent,otherwise you are paying him to live in your house that you are paying him back for!! WTAF.

WildfirePonie · 23/08/2020 14:10

OP, have you considered leaving? Going back to your well paid job? I am worried that you'll end up looking after your DH and Uncle, running around after his wife and kid.. doing all the chores, cooking, babysitting... That is no life and you deserve better.

TempestHayes · 23/08/2020 14:21

Why can't this rich bloke take his family to a hotel? I know such people have form for being tight, but he's taking the piss.

growinggreyer · 23/08/2020 14:23

I don't know why people are giving advice to the OP as if she has any agency in this. Her husband and uncle are going to buy the property together and she will be expected to keep any promises her husband has made to his uncle. The only actual choice the Op has is to see how things pan out and if things are going badly for her, take the baby and move back to her own parents until she can get a job and rent somewhere. The lovely new house is actually a trap and a cage for her. In the event of divorce, OP will be entitled to half of her husband's share of the equity, which might not amount to much for many years.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 23/08/2020 18:01

OP, you not being named on the paperwork is bothering me. You did have a civil marriage, didn't you, not just a religious one?

MoreCookiesPlease · 23/08/2020 23:45

...what happened OP? Any updates?

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