Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's uncle wants to move into our new house with his wife and 2 kids,... We've not even got the keys yet!!

389 replies

UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 08:59

DHs uncle is a proprietor, currently renovating a large house in his home town. Husband and I found a lovely house also in the same town and with his uncle's help(financially too) we will soon be completing purchase. It's located 5 mins away from an exceptionally excellent independent primary school.

Yesterday DHs uncle requested to move into our soon to be new house if his house renovation is not completed in time for his 5yo son to start school in September.
His uncle had paid for his son to start this private school last year also. However their new house wasn't ready then either and the parents couldn't get their son awake and ready in time for the 35min journey from their current house to this school. His uncle's wife refuses to take her son to his current preschool which is 2 doors away from their current house. So his uncle does the school run during work hours.
DH works for his uncle in the town his uncle currently lives in. Last year they lost the money he paid for the school, it seems they are in the same situation again this year. However they want our new house before we have even got the keys and moved in.
DH parents also live by this school, and his uncle had lived there until he got married. He has in the recent past stayed there with his wife and kids too, for 2 weeks. I've asked DH why they don't stay there, he said they not welcome back.
They will expect hotel treatment, restaurant service, childcare for their 5yo son and 1yo daughter just like they did at my PIL. I have my own 1yo DD to look after. And to be honest when we went on holiday last November with them and extended family, they avoided our company by retreating to their room whenever we were around, so I'm completely baffled as to why they even suggested this.
DH feels he can't refuse his uncle given the excessive help we've received in actually buying this house(it was beyond our budget) But jointly neither of us want them living in our new house.
We're not sure how much longer his house will take to be ready, the electric and gas are not connected yet, they haven't fitted any furniture, they've made no attempt in packing/decluttering their current house.
We will be working endlessly to pay for this perfectly lovely house we're buying, DHs uncle family are notorious for being messy, we wont be able to afford repairing things they damage, we've only just managed to afford the house. And is it honestly prefect. I really don't want it ruined by his uncle's family.
Please help me find a way to say no without being rude and still showing him we appreciate all the help his uncle has given.

OP posts:
Elsiebear90 · 21/08/2020 10:11

Why isn’t your name on the mortgage? You need to know what the legalities are with the house. Was the money his uncle gave a legally classed as a gift? Is he a co-owner? If he’s a co-owner then I think you definitely need to not go through with the purchase as if he moves his family in then it will be very difficult if not impossible to move them out and it will be very hard to sell without his permission.

Has this been his plan all along? For them to live in the same house as you while you pay the mortgage and he made a large down payment? You sound like you may be Muslim and I believe this kind of arrangement (multiple families living together in large houses) is quite common. Are you absolutely sure the house is in your husband’s name only? Also, why isn’t your name on the mortgage? Even without having a job it can still be on there.

I think with everything being said if this money is legally classed a gift you have no choice, but to let them move in. You’ve benefitted massively from his uncle’s money, but you seem unwilling to do anything in return. His uncle has gone above and beyond to help you and clearly as most people would, he expects some help in return. I personally would not want them living with me either, but I also would not be so financially reliant on them and let them give me a huge sum of money to buy a large house I couldn’t afford either. You can’t have it both ways.

Jeremyironsnothing · 21/08/2020 10:15

I should imagine that if his wife is that lazy then it is in their interests to make this a long term thing. Who wouldn't want beholden relatives running around doing all the housework and cooking for them. This might have been their plan all along.

RunningAwaywiththeCircus · 21/08/2020 10:17

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

GabsAlot · 21/08/2020 10:22

their house wont be "ready" ever-this is some scheme to move into yours and take over

id pull out unless yo want to be living with his uncle forever

Cailleach1 · 21/08/2020 10:23

we will soon be completing purchase

Will you be down anywhere as a co-owner of the house?

Eddielzzard · 21/08/2020 10:25

Pulling out of the house sale may cause offence. I'd consider this a bonus.

Dozycuntlaters · 21/08/2020 10:26

How much did the uncle lent you? I'm guessing if you would have to remortgage to get your name added and pay him off it's a substantial amount.

To be honest, you are in a bad situation. You rely on this man for money, for your DH's employment so really if you go ahead you are in no position to say no. If you see this house move through then you have no choice, or you could pull out, cut your losses and find something that you and DH can afford on your own. Why are you not on the mortgage anyway, that sounds very dangerous for you although I guess as you're married it may not make a difference if you split.

Cailleach1 · 21/08/2020 10:27

Your uncle and family could move into the house until theirs is ready. They could pay all the bills, mortgage and make good any repairs before they leave. Your family could rent another house close by in the interim.

Or

Could the little lad stay with you or grandparents for the school week?

Cattenberg · 21/08/2020 10:31

The house is all in my husband's name. But there is a large sum of borrowed money, which the plan is when I return to work I can have mortgaged in my own name and repay the uncle fully.

So, your DH would own the house, but you’d be liable for all the debt (if this is even possible)?

There’s no way I’d agree to that. I think you need your own legal advice immediately.

yoyo1234 · 21/08/2020 10:34

Why are you not on the house deeds ? A mortgage company may well not let you take out a mortgage ( to pay uncle back) if you have no title ship of the property. You say it is all in DH name so definitely not even part in Uncles name? Getting Uncle to move out if he is named will be very difficult.

Pinkdelight3 · 21/08/2020 10:39

This is nuts, not least the 'exceptionally excellent independent primary school' aspect - you can't even afford the house so forget about the school. Rethink and live within your means. Independence is priceless.

Lillygolightly · 21/08/2020 10:41

I would absolutely NOT go through with buying this house!

You might love the house but it will never really feel like yours. Due to the financial help you’ve had buying it your not going to feel as though you can lay down any house rules/ground rules living with them.

I have a large house, not a brag...we needed it as have 3DC and MIL lived with us and I cared for her during her Alzheimer’s. DH’s friends often like to come over for dinner and drinks and stay over rather than driving back. This is fine, we have the space but after more than a day or two I want my house back to myself so I can relax. I couldn’t imagine having a whole other family living with me, it would drive me round the bend!!

It doesn’t even sound as though you get on well living apart, so I can’t imagine how you would cope all living together.

On all accounts you are better pulling out now. If you complete the purchase and allow them to move in there is no way it’s going to go well, and it WILL end in tears one way or another!!

If you do complete and let them live with you I would be going into it eyes wide open and well aware of the sacrifice your about to make. Assume that you will be catering to them, that it will probably be you getting their child to and from school, accept that they will damage things, that they will probably live with you for at least 12 months/2 years and possibly even longer than that. Your family life as it is now between your DP and child will change and may well not survive this house and them living with you.

It’s really important to understand what your putting at rush here OP and think long and if this house is worth it!!!

Thisismytimetoshine · 21/08/2020 10:42

He's paying part of the cost of your house 🤷🏻‍♀️

tara66 · 21/08/2020 10:43

I have not read all the thread but understand they want to stay with you so their child can go to nearby school. If so - why does the child alone not come and stay with you during the school days if you could manage to take him to school? They would hurry up with their own house. He could go back home at weekends.

Original poster
UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 10:44

@JellyfishandShells

I’m still stuck on they couldn’t get a five year old awake and ready for a 35 minute trip to school ! (There being no other mention of SEN or other difficulties)
His speak is a little delayed, he is still in nappies too so maybe. But personally I think he is just too spoilt and parents give into every whim of his for an easy life. I don't like leaving my daughter alone in their company. I've seen the kids and aunty be unkind to her.
OP posts:
Time2change2 · 21/08/2020 10:45

Why on Earth are you buying a house with your husband but your name is not on the deeds? That’s absolutely bonkers to start with?

Original poster
UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 10:46

@tara66

I have not read all the thread but understand they want to stay with you so their child can go to nearby school. If so - why does the child alone not come and stay with you during the school days if you could manage to take him to school? They would hurry up with their own house. He could go back home at weekends.
That's a good option.
OP posts:
Original poster
UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 10:47

Can't see them agreeing to that. He has never stayed anywhere without his parents.

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 21/08/2020 10:54

OP thi is going to sound horrible and I apologise but ffs what are you thinking? Forgive me but you sound like you don;t know a foot of the way here.Your best friend comes to you and says me and husband have found a house we love but cant afford and in order for us to get it we are giving total control of our lives forever more to be at the beck and call of reletives to stay with us and please themselves when ever thay like and we have no say and no security...what would you do? What would you advise? If you think this is a good course of action to take then asking for advice is totally pointless as you are delluded. You have no financial security here,you will have no peace of mind and you are owned and can be dangled like a puppet forever more should the uncle choose to do so...do what you like but you are selling your life out for nothing in my view....

nannybeach · 21/08/2020 10:57

Is you DH on board with this thinking, does he want to stop the house purchase as well, you cannot have your cake and eat it, always extremely difficult when these situations include family, you can in fact get out of purchasing a property, even when contracts have been signed, even when you have a completion date. DH works for said Uncle, persuded him NOT to sell his business, 5 bedroom house, Uncle also helps with money, no, you cant say he can stay here certain days of the week.

NoSquirrels · 21/08/2020 10:57

I don't like leaving my daughter alone in their company. I've seen the kids and aunty be unkind to her.

Do not let them move in.

You urgently need to understand from your DH the exact ins and outs of the financial deal he has struck with the uncle.

Do not proceed with this house purchase until you understand exactly what is happening with deeds, loans, timeframes etc

Jeremyironsnothing · 21/08/2020 10:58

If you pils have said never again, it doesn't bode well really does it?

Once they've got their feet under the table, and you running round after them, why are they going to want to move somewhere else where the lazy wife will have to step up?

You"ll fall out at some time or other. It's inevitable. This house purchase has too many strings attached.

katy1213 · 21/08/2020 11:00

Perhaps you need to live within your means and stand on your own two feet. Then you can say no to anything you don't like.

VividImagination · 21/08/2020 11:01

Is uncle paying for your children to attend this independent school? It’s nice to be living two minutes from an excellent school if you can afford to send your children there but a bit of a waste otherwise. A five bedroom house is all very well if you need five bedrooms but will cost more to run than a smaller house. You need to get out of this mess quickly or suck it up and let him live in the house he part owns with you.

BlueJava · 21/08/2020 11:02

Any chance you can fail to get the house ready - i.e. not have the keys, not have the electricity connected, not have water or whatever?

I can see that's hard to refuse their request to stay, however no way would I be doing meals/childcare even if they moved in I would make sure I was very unavailable - working, away, whatever! There is really no such thing as a free lunch though so probably the real root of the issue is accepting his offer of help to get the house.