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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH's uncle wants to move into our new house with his wife and 2 kids,... We've not even got the keys yet!!

389 replies

UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 08:59

DHs uncle is a proprietor, currently renovating a large house in his home town. Husband and I found a lovely house also in the same town and with his uncle's help(financially too) we will soon be completing purchase. It's located 5 mins away from an exceptionally excellent independent primary school.

Yesterday DHs uncle requested to move into our soon to be new house if his house renovation is not completed in time for his 5yo son to start school in September.
His uncle had paid for his son to start this private school last year also. However their new house wasn't ready then either and the parents couldn't get their son awake and ready in time for the 35min journey from their current house to this school. His uncle's wife refuses to take her son to his current preschool which is 2 doors away from their current house. So his uncle does the school run during work hours.
DH works for his uncle in the town his uncle currently lives in. Last year they lost the money he paid for the school, it seems they are in the same situation again this year. However they want our new house before we have even got the keys and moved in.
DH parents also live by this school, and his uncle had lived there until he got married. He has in the recent past stayed there with his wife and kids too, for 2 weeks. I've asked DH why they don't stay there, he said they not welcome back.
They will expect hotel treatment, restaurant service, childcare for their 5yo son and 1yo daughter just like they did at my PIL. I have my own 1yo DD to look after. And to be honest when we went on holiday last November with them and extended family, they avoided our company by retreating to their room whenever we were around, so I'm completely baffled as to why they even suggested this.
DH feels he can't refuse his uncle given the excessive help we've received in actually buying this house(it was beyond our budget) But jointly neither of us want them living in our new house.
We're not sure how much longer his house will take to be ready, the electric and gas are not connected yet, they haven't fitted any furniture, they've made no attempt in packing/decluttering their current house.
We will be working endlessly to pay for this perfectly lovely house we're buying, DHs uncle family are notorious for being messy, we wont be able to afford repairing things they damage, we've only just managed to afford the house. And is it honestly prefect. I really don't want it ruined by his uncle's family.
Please help me find a way to say no without being rude and still showing him we appreciate all the help his uncle has given.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 21/08/2020 09:36

It's just the small matter of the uncle paying towards your house and also bring your DHs employer. Offer to sell the uncle your new house. Pay him back what you owe and buy a house on your own.

ItsLateHumpty · 21/08/2020 09:37

Gotta agree with everyone else OP, you let the uncle overpay your husband, you let him help with the new house purchase, and you took his financial help to secure it.

It seems you’re happy to take his help and his money, but not to do the same in kind. Makes you both sound a bit naiand selfish.

Letseatgrandma · 21/08/2020 09:38

So your name isn’t on the mortgage at all? Honestly, this sounds really complicated and a bit dodgy.

MummaGiles · 21/08/2020 09:38

The house is all in my husband's name. But there is a large sum of borrowed money, which the plan is when I return to work I can have mortgaged in my own name and repay the uncle fully.

If the house is solely in your husbands name (and there is no need for this even if the mortgage is only in his name) I don’t know how you think you will be able to get a mortgage over the property?

BluebellsGreenbells · 21/08/2020 09:38

So what will happen if your house isn’t ready by September start of school?

I mean there could be a few legal delays

TinySleepThief · 21/08/2020 09:39

Im also amazed that still in 2020 women don't feel that it's a priority to be named on the mortgage when buying a house!!!

ItsLateHumpty · 21/08/2020 09:39

Makes you both sound a bit naive and a little selfish.

Is what I meant to say. And posted too soon 🤦‍♀️

From what you’ve said they sound a mare, but I’m not sure you can really get out of helping.

Definitely do not offer restaurant/hotel/babysitting services though!

dwiz8 · 21/08/2020 09:40

Firstly if the house is in your husbands name you won't be able to get a mortgage on it in your name only to reply his uncle

Secondly this is sounding so selfish. Your husbands uncle pays him above market rate, gives you a large sum of money to help buy a house and you're kicking up a fuss about doing one thing to help him and his family!?

Original poster

UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 09:40

@negomi90

Honestly your DH needs to quietly find a new job. You either need to put up with it or find a house you can afford. If you want your current lifestyle you accept that part of both of your jobs is sucking up to uncle (and letting him move in). If you want independence and to be able to set boundaries with this man, then reorganise your lives and make financial sacrifices to go it alone. You can't have it both ways. I've seen this in my own family, an uncle bankrolled his sister and niece for years and they weren't grateful enough and took it for granted - long story short, not only is the sister struggling to cope financially, but there a lots of hard feelings. No one talks to each other properly and people who weren't involved with the money side of things have been drawn into it and don't get see each other.

This is the situation I want to avoid. It's why I chose to live away from everyone. Help certainly comes at a cost and relationships are strained as it is.

Problem with pulling out of the house now, so late in the day, is to do it without causing offense too!

How can we undo things like remortgage a house? Is it even possible?

OP posts:

Applesandpears23 · 21/08/2020 09:41

I think you have to agree to something. Could the uncle and his son stay with you sun-thurs night and go home on Fri and Sat night?

Mistlewoeandwhine · 21/08/2020 09:43

They’ve helped you, now they need you to help them. I don’t think you can refuse. Also I think you’re Muslim and their request is pretty standard in your culture I believe. It’s annoying but I think you need to just grit your teeth.

Giganticshark · 21/08/2020 09:44

When our parents gifted us the money for our deposit they were required to sign a document stating they had no ownership of the house and the money was a gift and they wouldn't be allowed to try and get a stake in the house in the future. The mortgage company made us do this.

This is what you need

mindutopia · 21/08/2020 09:44

I think you just say no, we can't do that. It's lovely they've helped you and it's nice that your dh works for them. But no one is forced to give money to help family. They could have also said no. They could have said dh needs to get his own job. I don't think any of that means that you owe them the right to move into your house.

I think it might be different if they were homeless and in need. They aren't. They have presumably two houses? The one they live in and the one they are renovating currently. The only reason they way to live in your house is because they struggle to get up in time in the morning to get their dc to school on time. It takes us a good 45 minutes to do the full school run to our 2 dc's school and nursery. But I'm a grown up, so I get up on time and get dc up on time because school is important. It's a shame for their dc and it's lovely they've helped you financially, but I don't think that's your problem to fix for them.

HoppingPavlova · 21/08/2020 09:44

Husband and I found a lovely house also in the same town and with his uncle's help(financially too) we will soon be completing purchase.

So, you suck this up!
You can't take their financial help and then tell them to get lost until their own new house is ready!

Or, is it a documented loan with no obligation in this regard?

Honesty, I think you come across as a CF.

Biscuitsdisappear · 21/08/2020 09:45

I can't understand how a successful business man cannot find a solution to the problem of getting his son out of bed on time so that he can attend school. It would appear that his wife can't deal with it so its easier to put upon you.

Kisskiss · 21/08/2020 09:45

He’s asking a favour which seems a bit cheeky by normal standards, BUT in your case he has gone to great efforts to help you get your dream home as well as pay your dh an above market rate salary. Some families are like that..
given what he has done for you ( and you have been happy to take from him) I think you would come off looking very bad if you turned around and refused to help him even though you can..

pinkgin85 · 21/08/2020 09:45

Who owns the house? Is it mortgaged? If so are you able to afford the mortgage payments? Since your DH works for him and he invested in the house, combined with the fact that I think you're asian going by your username, he will think he can do whatever he likes.

Chloemol · 21/08/2020 09:46

Don’t buy the property, find one you can afford on your own

Sceptre86 · 21/08/2020 09:46

Hard to have sympathy on this situation. You can't day no without massively offending him. Your lives are too convoluted with the uncle, you rely on him for dh's job and with financial help to buy the house. I think you just have to suck it up for the foreseeable. If you dont have a job o would start looking for one and also suggest your dh to start looking too. Do you have proper plans in place to pay the uncle back? If not you should get some drawn up. You ate beholden to him and I do not understand why anyone would let themselves be put in such a situation. If you couldn't have afforded the house without his financial help you should have purchased elsewhere.

Sceptre86 · 21/08/2020 09:47

*in not on

HeronLanyon · 21/08/2020 09:49

What exchangedcat Says.
Is there a cultural reason going on as to why your loves are so entwined with an uncle and explaining the familial duties and expectations going on here ?
You’re in a pretty pickle. If it were me I would do everything in my power to extricate my family from these relatives.

TheListeners · 21/08/2020 09:50

It hardly sounds ideal but if they live with you for 6 months - year say it still sounds like a great deal. At the end you will have a house you love and haven't had to pay as much for it. Presumably the help he's provided is thousands and thousands of pounds.

Akire · 21/08/2020 09:50

It doesn’t look like you can say no but I’m baffled that’s its easier to move and stay at your house than do the school run in the morning. I wouldn’t be in a rush to make your house to comfortable so no decorating or unpacking lots of time out of the house and appointments. No cooking for them and hotel services! Are they any delays you can make or work so you can’t move on the same as them?

fridgeraiders · 21/08/2020 09:50

Sounds like you are helping to buy the uncle a house not the other way around.

I would also get a job asap in your position otherwise you will be housekeeper/childcare for all household members including your uncle's.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 21/08/2020 09:52

I agree with the two previous posters who have suggested that much of this is tied in with your culture . Things are much more complex for you as much more is expected . You may have to suck this one up and once the dust settles try to make some efforts to become more independent .

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