DH's uncle wants to move into our new house with his wife and 2 kids,... We've not even got the keys yet!!

[UmmMaryam2019]

DHs uncle is a proprietor, currently renovating a large house in his home town. Husband and I found a lovely house also in the same town and with his uncle's help(financially too) we will soon be completing purchase. It's located 5 mins away from an exceptionally excellent independent primary school.

Yesterday DHs uncle requested to move into our soon to be new house if his house renovation is not completed in time for his 5yo son to start school in September.
His uncle had paid for his son to start this private school last year also. However their new house wasn't ready then either and the parents couldn't get their son awake and ready in time for the 35min journey from their current house to this school. His uncle's wife refuses to take her son to his current preschool which is 2 doors away from their current house. So his uncle does the school run during work hours.
DH works for his uncle in the town his uncle currently lives in. Last year they lost the money he paid for the school, it seems they are in the same situation again this year. However they want our new house before we have even got the keys and moved in.
DH parents also live by this school, and his uncle had lived there until he got married. He has in the recent past stayed there with his wife and kids too, for 2 weeks. I've asked DH why they don't stay there, he said they not welcome back.
They will expect hotel treatment, restaurant service, childcare for their 5yo son and 1yo daughter just like they did at my PIL. I have my own 1yo DD to look after. And to be honest when we went on holiday last November with them and extended family, they avoided our company by retreating to their room whenever we were around, so I'm completely baffled as to why they even suggested this.
DH feels he can't refuse his uncle given the excessive help we've received in actually buying this house(it was beyond our budget) But jointly neither of us want them living in our new house.
We're not sure how much longer his house will take to be ready, the electric and gas are not connected yet, they haven't fitted any furniture, they've made no attempt in packing/decluttering their current house.
We will be working endlessly to pay for this perfectly lovely house we're buying, DHs uncle family are notorious for being messy, we wont be able to afford repairing things they damage, we've only just managed to afford the house. And is it honestly prefect. I really don't want it ruined by his uncle's family.
Please help me find a way to say no without being rude and still showing him we appreciate all the help his uncle has given.

Definitely don't buy the house with the Uncle's help.
Buy one that you can afford without his help.

DH needs to work on finding employment somewhere else eventually. Is he really paid all that well or just believing what the Uncle tells him?

Sounds like taking his money is a bad decision. Pull out of the house sale and get somewhere you can afford. If your husband is being paid that well by his uncle then you should be fine.

Honestly your DH needs to quietly find a new job.
You either need to put up with it or find a house you can afford.
If you want your current lifestyle you accept that part of both of your jobs is sucking up to uncle (and letting him move in).
If you want independence and to be able to set boundaries with this man, then reorganise your lives and make financial sacrifices to go it alone.
You can't have it both ways.
I've seen this in my own family, an uncle bankrolled his sister and niece for years and they weren't grateful enough and took it for granted - long story short, not only is the sister struggling to cope financially, but there a lots of hard feelings. No one talks to each other properly and people who weren't involved with the money side of things have been drawn into it and don't get see each other.

He's got you over a barrel really. You've accepted his help, he's looking for payback. I don't see how you can refuse without the whole relationship blowing up. Sorry.

Fuck having my life ruled by someone else like that. I’d get my own place and work my way up. Couldn’t be living always thinking I owe something and him using it against you. Living with other family is a nightmare, I speak from experience. Done my head in

Not really sure you have a choice since you say he's the type to demand his money back.

Big mistake to accept money from him in the first place but since you have, it looks like it comes with strings. So there's every chance it may boil down to put him up or give him his money back.

If you step back for a second-it’s worth it and I would have the uncle stay in a heart beat, it’s just temporary.

Cheaper,smaller house out the area with no family near by or

Larger, more expensive house next to a brilliant school for your kids, with family near by....all that extra providing you let the uncles family stay temporarily for a few months.....yes!!!

He can buy me a big house and come live with with me with his family if he likes!!

Sounds awful. If you have to let them move in just don't want give 'hotel treatment'. Literally tell them when the kitchen is free for them to cook. If they ask for babysitting say yes - can you look after my DC on x day??

Boundaries are your friend if you can't stop them moving in

His money comes with strings attached. If you can it would be better to cancel the house and buy one without your uncles “gift”. Otherwise he controls you and your family.

I don't think you should buy this house. You can't afford it.

This is hard.
Failure on the part of your DH's uncle to ensure that his house renovations are completed in time, does not constitute an emergency on your part.
That said, if you did accept a sum of money from your DH's uncle and this sum helped you pay for the house that is under discussion, then you need to get yourselves to a solicitor, really quickly and draft up a temporary lodger arrangement. They can stay X length of time, they cover the costs of repairing any damage to the property that arose when they were living there, that kind of thing.
Then I would sit down with my DH and start planning how to remove DH's uncle from your financial lives. He shouldn't be involved. You're adults and need to stand on your own two feet. If you can't afford it, then you find somewhere to live that you can afford.

This sounds like a very complicated arrangement. It will never be truly your house. Buy another within your means and stay independent.

‘We will soon be completing purchase’: have you already exchanged?

If not, the best thing to do would be to pull out.

You do realise the uncle probably planned this???

TBH I would pull out of the house or delay completion. What if they have no intention of moving back out if they can stay and have 5 star hotel treatment and free nanny??

@LonelyFromCorona

What *@Dozer* said

Perhaps best to cancel purchase and get a house more affordable by yourselves?

I think given the current situation, assuming the house is big enough for everyone, you can't really say no...

It's a 5 bedroom house, it is excessive. They could live there with us, they could stay there alone till their house is ready. I've no idea what his uncle's plan is.

Tbh I was praying during the whole process that it would fall through. I showed the house to DH not expecting to buy, it just admire it. Due to its location in their hometown his uncle pulled every string possible to make it happen.
The house is all in my husband's name. But there is a large sum of borrowed money, which the plan is when I return to work I can have mortgaged in my own name and repay the uncle fully.

Ah, this sounds like something my FiL would try to do, hence why we have never accepted his generous 'gifts.' In part I think it is cultural that older generations help younger generations and lives remain entwined, but mostly I think it is control.

He owns you and knows it. Either pull out of the house and live within your means it live in this Faustian pact.

Ut sounds like you're relying on this uncle to provide for you financially. Hes given you money for your house, your husbamd is employed by him and he didn't sell his business because your husband didnt want a lower paying job.

I dont see how you could say no personally as you're dependant on him and have accepted the money without clarifying if it came with any obligations.

Personally it sounds like you need to all take a step away from the uncle and start standing on your own feet.

I'd pull out of the house purchase and buy one within your budget so that you don't have to borrow any money from the uncle.

Sorry but this guy practically owns you, you've allowed yourselves to be financially dependant on him and as you've found out that always comes with a price. Try and get out from under his control if you can or you'll find yourselves constantly at his mercy when it comes to calling in favours.

Normally I would be one to say yanbu and say no BUT the man got a great offer for his business and your dh convinced him not to take because it benefited your dh and he happily took money to buy a house you cannot afford, to be honest I think yabu, you don't seem to like them but you are happy to use them for their money but God forbid you have to give anything back, you sound like users. Say no by all means but don't expect their to be no fall out, if I were the uncle there would be

Even before I saw your user name I thought I bet this is an Asian family. 🤷🏽‍♀️
Not sure what you expect. Your DH works for the man, is financially dependent on him, uncle has paid for your house. You let them do all this despite the fact you don’t like them and they don’t seem to like you either. (So asian to just ignore all this and brush under the carpet).

What you should do is DH should get another job and you should buy a house within your own means like normal people instead of adults relying on others to this extent.

Have you exchanged?

The only options I can think of are:

1. Pull out if the purchase, DH finds a new job elsewhere and you buy a house within your budget
2. Your uncle and his family move in without you and you rent elsewhere until uncles house is ready
3. Uncle and his family stay with you until they're ready to leave, since he's the only reason you can buy that house in the first place
4. You say no and take the chance that uncle says no to the financial assistance and/or DHs continued employment

I'm somewhat torn, OP. On the one hand I think you should let them stay (3), given that they're financially supporting your family it seems the least you could do. On the other hand, neither you or DH sound as though you like him, you just like his money. This is not a good look at all and you should seriously consider option 1. It doesn't matter how unpleasant he is, you're still treating him badly.

The uncle pays your OH wage. He’s paid for a lot of your house.

It’s not like you can say no.

You have dug your own hole here.

Suck it up and hope the renovations don’t take forever.

Thing that concerns me is that you've borrowed money to buy a house near the perfect independent school.

So you owe money for the house just to pay for schooling.

And now you're tied in and DH relies on his uncle not to sell business to keep you in a financial position to have both these things.

Could they find somewhere smaller (1 bed to rent?) and 5yo stays with you during the week for school?

Tbh though before you get keys etc I would re evaluate if what you have now is worth it for an uncertain financial future with increasing costs and finances being reliant on one persons decision with their business.

Would a cheaper property and good state school really be a worse trade with option of moving later for independent secondary if you can?