Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's uncle wants to move into our new house with his wife and 2 kids,... We've not even got the keys yet!!

389 replies

UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 08:59

DHs uncle is a proprietor, currently renovating a large house in his home town. Husband and I found a lovely house also in the same town and with his uncle's help(financially too) we will soon be completing purchase. It's located 5 mins away from an exceptionally excellent independent primary school.

Yesterday DHs uncle requested to move into our soon to be new house if his house renovation is not completed in time for his 5yo son to start school in September.
His uncle had paid for his son to start this private school last year also. However their new house wasn't ready then either and the parents couldn't get their son awake and ready in time for the 35min journey from their current house to this school. His uncle's wife refuses to take her son to his current preschool which is 2 doors away from their current house. So his uncle does the school run during work hours.
DH works for his uncle in the town his uncle currently lives in. Last year they lost the money he paid for the school, it seems they are in the same situation again this year. However they want our new house before we have even got the keys and moved in.
DH parents also live by this school, and his uncle had lived there until he got married. He has in the recent past stayed there with his wife and kids too, for 2 weeks. I've asked DH why they don't stay there, he said they not welcome back.
They will expect hotel treatment, restaurant service, childcare for their 5yo son and 1yo daughter just like they did at my PIL. I have my own 1yo DD to look after. And to be honest when we went on holiday last November with them and extended family, they avoided our company by retreating to their room whenever we were around, so I'm completely baffled as to why they even suggested this.
DH feels he can't refuse his uncle given the excessive help we've received in actually buying this house(it was beyond our budget) But jointly neither of us want them living in our new house.
We're not sure how much longer his house will take to be ready, the electric and gas are not connected yet, they haven't fitted any furniture, they've made no attempt in packing/decluttering their current house.
We will be working endlessly to pay for this perfectly lovely house we're buying, DHs uncle family are notorious for being messy, we wont be able to afford repairing things they damage, we've only just managed to afford the house. And is it honestly prefect. I really don't want it ruined by his uncle's family.
Please help me find a way to say no without being rude and still showing him we appreciate all the help his uncle has given.

OP posts:
TheNewLook · 21/08/2020 11:05

You are queen of the superlative aren’t you?

Anyway. The uncle has bought you. Don’t mix finances with family. If course he feels he can live in the house - sounds like he’s paid for it. Depends what you mean by excessive financial help.

It comes down to this: will he retract the money if you say he can’t live with you? If yes, then you need to buy a house you can actually afford. To be honest, I’d have done that in the first place. Even if it means your child attending a less exceptionally excellent most incrediblist outstandingist school.

Chamomileteaplease · 21/08/2020 11:08

Much nicer life to live in a small house that you can afford than be indebted to difficult people.

I would second the idea that your husband looks for another job too.

In short, do not buy this house. Make sure you are strong in your mind to know that even if you piss off the uncle, this is a much much better outcome.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 21/08/2020 11:12

So your uncle essentially owns your DH, and your name isn't going on the deeds to the house you're buying with your DH.

Honey.... no.

I would stay where you are and tell your DH you either want to pull out, this isn't reasonable, or to let this Uncle and his family live there and pay the bills until they can move into their own house. This is not a recipe for a viable marriage.

HeronLanyon · 21/08/2020 11:16

Sounds like uncle has bought himself a house using you dh as the name - I’d worry about something dodgy going on.
I’m also guessing (you’ve said it yourself) that your provision of ski Yung and cooking and childcare duties will be so wonderful for them it will stay that way.
You’ll be stuck !
Sounds like servitude.

HeronLanyon · 21/08/2020 11:17

Skivvying not ‘ski Yung’ whoever she is !

Original poster
UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 11:17

@Winter2020

Where are you living now? E.g. with family or renting? If so could you offer to stay where you are and that Uncle can move into your house (and pay the mortgage) until their house is ready. It's not ideal and they could still damage your house but they will see that you don't want to live with them but are making a generous offer and might not be interested as it's not free and they won't be waited on or get childcare.

Are there any places up for rent (on the internet) that you can show them.

He has plenty of houses of his own he can move into nearer the school. Or other relatives.

Ours is the closest.

OP posts:
Dozer · 21/08/2020 11:17

You don’t want to pull out of the purchase (assuming from that you haven’t exchanged) for fear of causing offence?

To whom, the vendor or DH’s uncle/family? Unless you’re prepared to do everything they want, them feeling offended WILL happen, far better to get out now when you don’t have the house to sell.

NoSquirrels · 21/08/2020 11:21

He has plenty of houses of his own he can move into nearer the school.
Or other relatives.

Ours is the closest.

You and your DH aren’t buying this house. Your uncle is buying it, sees it as his, and your DH is caught up in some weird property wheeler-dealer stuff dressed up in family loyalty.

Venicelover · 21/08/2020 11:22

Presumably, your Uncle won't live there forever? Settle your mind to them being there for 12 months and just get on with it. I suspect from what you say that your Aunt will want to be in her own home asap too.

I say this because you have two choices either accept that because you have taken his help you now have to do this, and your husband works for him and persuaded him not to sell the business. Or have a full scale family rift which might mean your husband has to find a new job/lose your house.

This is a problem that you have brought upon yourselves by being beholden to Uncle. You can't have it both ways OP.

I know that culturally this is the norm, but if it doesn't sit well with you then, as a couple, you should have taken a different path.

Giraffey1 · 21/08/2020 11:23

This is all a bit odd. Why have you allowed yourself to become so beholden to DH’s uncle? You would be much better off standing on your own two feet’s and living financially within your OWN means, not relying on others. And they can’t get their child up in time to get him to school? Bollocks, I suspect. I’d be extricating myself pdq.

TinySleepThief · 21/08/2020 11:24

Im confused as to what you expect from this thread given that you're choosing to ignore some great points and questions and only posting sporadically replying to comments that dont actually add much detail in clarifying the situation. Hmm

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 21/08/2020 11:26

OP it doesn;t matter that the uncle has loads of houses to live in..he wants yours and he is going to get it cos you have sold out to him and he therefore can take exactly what he wants...you have no choice nor will you ever if you go ahead with this ..he owns you and your husband get used to it ...or grow up and get some self respect and pull out of the deal totally.

RandomMess · 21/08/2020 11:28

I think it's clear that the uncle wants this house for himself because it's so close the school, this is why he has helped your DH out.

This will become a long term arrangement especially if/when the private school doesn't want their son...

ExpectTheWorst · 21/08/2020 11:28

Sorry if i#ve missed this but have you sold your own home yet? If not, can you stay there until this uncle does finish his house and moves out of your new one?
The situation is all kinds of shit, but I do understand that it's probably a large part cultural expectations, and that can be very hard to deal with.

Sarahandco · 21/08/2020 11:31

You need to extricate yourself from this situation longterm.

Do you drive? could you offer to help them with the school run?

I would be concerned they move in and use you as the help or maybe the uncle wants the house for himself?

You have to find new jobs and then find your own place.

Alcoholabuse · 21/08/2020 11:32

I'm not from a muslim culture but a similar 'older helps younger but then owe older for their help'. Sometimes it can work beautifully, but other times if you're not 100% close (I.e. not wanting them to live with you which is understandable) it's hell.

I don't think you've got a leg to stand on with the uncle as he's helped you so much.

I think you should politely step away from this uncle/nephew relationship. Even if your husband has to take a huge paycut, and you get a job i'm sure you'll be able to make it work. There's nothing worse of not having control of your life.

Or, as PP said, offer the house for them to stay in until the house is completed "As you've done so much for us, please use the house for a couple of months until you've finished the work on your house". If they ask why maybe use an excuse that you're planning on decorating and don't want to move in your things until you've decorated and that can't happen with a 5-year-old running around?

Dillydallyingthrough · 21/08/2020 11:32

OP surely you knew this was a stupid idea? What happens if the uncle decides he wants to retire and close his business? So your DH is out of a job and cant get one that pays nowhere near the same and you have a large mortgage that you cant afford?

Is the uncle paying for your DC to go to the independent school? I'm assuming if you cant afford the house, you cant pay school fees?

Rather than hoping the house would fall through, why didn't you say something? Why is it in your DHs name only? You can be added to the mortgage even if you are not working at the moment.

I think you would have to let the uncle stay, you cant have it all your way (financial assistance for the house and higher wage) and not give anything back. They will expect hotel treatment as far as they are concerned they either see you as their staff or that they own you.

Original poster
UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 11:34

@Dozer

Have you exchanged?
No.
OP posts:
Original poster
UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 11:37

How do I pull out of buying the house?

I have been telling DH I don't want it for weeks/months(offer was made accepted before lockdown). Initially his uncle offered to borrow a large deposit which we would slowly repay. However once the offer was accepted the terms changed, uncle re mortgaged a property of his that we will repay. So in essence we are paying two mortgages now. And uncle wants me to return to work and in 2 years have my new house reassessed for mortgage with my income too, I can take a mortgage loan in my name and repay his in full.
It's adding a lot of pressure on me to return to work. I'm still bfeeding DD, I've had plans of getting pregnant again. Full time work for me is not on the cards for a while. I've explained this to DH, he says I'm getting cold feet.

I only thing I can think of is going behind his back and informing estate agents I don't want it. Theyll be fines. And alot of angry ppl.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 21/08/2020 11:37

tell him you're about to move into it yourselves. (Why aren't you? That would solve everything)

It would surely be far more inconvenient for uncle to furnish and equip your empty house and move his family into it, than just to get up half an hour earlier and drive DS to school .

RandomMess · 21/08/2020 11:38

Two options:

Pull out (chain collapsed)
Go through with it but you go and stay with your family and hope they move out within a few years but this is very risky. I can see them selling the house they are renovating and staying put in this one!!

Honestly you and DH need to buy on your own and get away from this situation...

LetsSplashMummy · 21/08/2020 11:38

If it's all about their DC getting to school, I would consider going to their house in the morning and taking him myself. That would be less of a hassle, all round, than the whole family coming to stay. It might also draw attention to how ridiculous the "solution" of temporarily moving house is, compared to setting an alarm clock.

Can you sell something like this as a better solution for him? "You have been so helpful, and moving house twice would be so hard for you and unsettling for the kids, let me help with the school run in the morning for the first term. Maybe then DC will get used to me and could stay with us or his GPs during the week some time, to make it even easier on you. Renovating your house must be so much work, let us help with DC, so you can focus on that."

RandomMess · 21/08/2020 11:40

X-posts.

Absolutely tell your DH that you will only move to a house that the two of you are buying with no help from anyone else...

essexmum777 · 21/08/2020 11:41

So what happens, if you want another baby in a year, uncle say's you can't be on maternity leave because you have to be in full-time work re-paying him. Really tricky situation.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/08/2020 11:41

I don't think you can pull out of the sale if you're not on the mortgage /paperwork. Your DH would have to do that and it doesn't sound like he would because of worrying for his job, of money and the fear of offending his uncle and the repercussions that could cause.