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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH's uncle wants to move into our new house with his wife and 2 kids,... We've not even got the keys yet!!

389 replies

UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 08:59

DHs uncle is a proprietor, currently renovating a large house in his home town. Husband and I found a lovely house also in the same town and with his uncle's help(financially too) we will soon be completing purchase. It's located 5 mins away from an exceptionally excellent independent primary school.

Yesterday DHs uncle requested to move into our soon to be new house if his house renovation is not completed in time for his 5yo son to start school in September.
His uncle had paid for his son to start this private school last year also. However their new house wasn't ready then either and the parents couldn't get their son awake and ready in time for the 35min journey from their current house to this school. His uncle's wife refuses to take her son to his current preschool which is 2 doors away from their current house. So his uncle does the school run during work hours.
DH works for his uncle in the town his uncle currently lives in. Last year they lost the money he paid for the school, it seems they are in the same situation again this year. However they want our new house before we have even got the keys and moved in.
DH parents also live by this school, and his uncle had lived there until he got married. He has in the recent past stayed there with his wife and kids too, for 2 weeks. I've asked DH why they don't stay there, he said they not welcome back.
They will expect hotel treatment, restaurant service, childcare for their 5yo son and 1yo daughter just like they did at my PIL. I have my own 1yo DD to look after. And to be honest when we went on holiday last November with them and extended family, they avoided our company by retreating to their room whenever we were around, so I'm completely baffled as to why they even suggested this.
DH feels he can't refuse his uncle given the excessive help we've received in actually buying this house(it was beyond our budget) But jointly neither of us want them living in our new house.
We're not sure how much longer his house will take to be ready, the electric and gas are not connected yet, they haven't fitted any furniture, they've made no attempt in packing/decluttering their current house.
We will be working endlessly to pay for this perfectly lovely house we're buying, DHs uncle family are notorious for being messy, we wont be able to afford repairing things they damage, we've only just managed to afford the house. And is it honestly prefect. I really don't want it ruined by his uncle's family.
Please help me find a way to say no without being rude and still showing him we appreciate all the help his uncle has given.

OP posts:
HazelBite · 21/08/2020 09:55

Can you go and stay with your PIL while they live at your house?

AlternativePerspective · 21/08/2020 09:56

So this man’s money is all you’re interested in then?

Here’s the thing, if you don’t like the man then don’t accept his money. It’s hypocritical even before we take his wanting to stay there into the equation.

I’m not talking about the job here, he employs whoever he employs, but loans and cash towards houses is a personal thing and it’s immensely hypocritical to accept someone’s money while not actually wanting them around.

oldmum22 · 21/08/2020 09:58

Devils advocate here.....Uncle likes your house, convenience to school, area etc . He asks you and your family to house swap or just move , what would you do?
Uncle is a businessman, he knows exactly what he is doing, so dont be fooled?
I would pull out of house purchase (it might call his bluff anyway and he goes ahead and buys it anyway) and look for something more in your budget without strings .
Good luck, this is a tough one.

NoSquirrels · 21/08/2020 09:58

At what point in the purchase are you - have you exchanged contracts?

Honestly, it sounds like your uncle is under the impression he is a joint owner - he pulled out all the stops to help you get this house close to the school, they’re not going to want to move out once they’re in. This has disaster written all over it.

Iwonder08 · 21/08/2020 09:59

You took his money, you don't have a choice

RandomMess · 21/08/2020 09:59

You pull out but say the chain collapsed!

BluebellsGreenbells · 21/08/2020 10:02

How can we undo things like remortgage a house? Is it even possible?

You need to have your name on the house deeds as an owner of the property. Have you been going to the solicitor meetings? Do you know if Uncle is part owner?
Then you need to reapply for a mortgage in joint names.

This may delay the sale by a few weeks, but so it now before signing happens.

My friends husband owns the house she lives in, he left her, she cannot claim any financial help as there’s no rental agreement, he won’t pay for repairs, he won’t pay the council tax and the bailiffs keep coming round, but she doesn’t have a stake in the house she can’t get a council house or housing benefit to move as she’s homed. it’s a nightmare she can’t get out of.

Make sure you have your name on the deeds so you have a say in what happens - don’t rely on the fact you are married.

Mix56 · 21/08/2020 10:02

you know perfectly well that if you refuse, he may re-neg on the loan, & sack your husband.
The best you can do, is say from Mon to Friday, then w/es they go home

BluebellsGreenbells · 21/08/2020 10:03

She can’t force the sale either as she’s not named - before anyone asked! He can even sell the house without her knowing and she can’t do anything to stop him.

NewHouseNewMe · 21/08/2020 10:03

You pull out but say the chain collapsed!
^^ what @RandomMess says!

Are you from a background where multi-generational families are more normal? Your uncle may see himself as head of the family and totally trying to do the right thing. Moving into your house may also strike him as totally normal too.

You can't really take his money and favours but not play it back. That is the issue.

Enough4me · 21/08/2020 10:03

Sounds like you have been bought. Even when you pay the money off at a later date I expect this loan will be held over you and your house will always be referred to as the house your uncle bought. Anytime they need to stay somewhere the expectation will be that you owe them.

It would be better to get a house that you can afford. Also, you and your DH need a contingency plan if your Uncle sells the business and you have no income.

NewHouseNewMe · 21/08/2020 10:05

Actually if your name isn't on the deeds, and you're not sure that your uncles is or not, you need to pull out anyhow.

Your husband and his family sound like they're sewing this up so you don't have any rights at all.

You may end up living with the uncle and family forever. Maybe that is already the intention and your husband is buttering you up.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 21/08/2020 10:05

If you have not exchanged contracts you can pull out now. You will need to advise the seller of the house, your estate agent and solicitor immediately. You will need to give a reason so you could say that your financial circumstances have altered and you can no longer proceed with the purchase. Then you and your DH stay where you are and look for a house you can afford. When you find a house make sure it is in joint names.

TrickyD · 21/08/2020 10:06

Horrible situation for you, but as the old saying goes:

“Beggars can’t be choosers”.

Jeremyironsnothing · 21/08/2020 10:06

Yep you have no choice.

Maybe see if they'll go back home for the weekends, or at least don't wait on them from the beginning ie, start as you mean to go on.

But yep, you will be living in that gilded cage.

mrsBtheparker · 21/08/2020 10:06

How does the lazy wife get away with refusing to take their son to his current school two doors away???

Even if you get stuck with them don't dance to their tune regarding '5-star hotel service' etc., be very unavailable. I've actually come across this type of situation before, especially in Asian families. It's almost like the old mill days where you worked for and were housed by someone who paid you in company currency to use in the company shop!

AgentProvocateur · 21/08/2020 10:06

This is not a reciprocal arrangement. You’re doing all the taking and none of the giving. And now it’s pay-back time.

Whenwillthisbeover · 21/08/2020 10:07

Sorry but your husband is owned by this uncle. He is probably a convenient way to move money around, he has an ulterior motive.

If he was so rich he could rent near the school instead of wasting money on school fees. I don’t think this is a genuine goodwill loan At all, uncle has an ulterior motive.

BottomOfMyPencilCase · 21/08/2020 10:07

Have you been involved in all the conversations with the uncle about the house? Because as PPs have said the situation may not be as clear cut as you think. Your DH may have been aware that proximity to the school and letting his uncle stay were major factors in the uncle's financial help.

Also, if the house is solely in your DH's name, how do you plan to get a mortgage against it. Are they going to split the title or have they already done so? Is the uncle a joint owner with your DH and then you're expected to buy him out with your mortgage? Did the uncle really suggest your DH gets the asset but you get the debt? Something isn't adding up.

Mix56 · 21/08/2020 10:07

if you get your name on the deeds it will delay the sale, it may mean that uncle has to find another interim solution. Win Win

NC4todayx · 21/08/2020 10:08

Unfortunately, I think you really need to suck it up and make the best of this one. You've put yourselves into a very uncomfortable situation by buying something you couldn't afford. You are now beholden to him. Make the best of it.

CleverCatty · 21/08/2020 10:09

personally no, I wouldn't do this as hard to know when they will leave. If money have been a gift etc can't you just pay money back?

Didkdt · 21/08/2020 10:09

I'm struggling to see how you can say no.
Hopeful it will be short term if they don't like spending time with you.
There's a lot of take on your side you need to do some giving.

sleepingdragon · 21/08/2020 10:10

I agree with all the comments about reconsidering the house purchase. If you do go through with it, it is possible to be welcoming while setting some boundaries. You could say you are happy for them to stay Monday- Thursday nights, so you have the weekends to settle into your new home? You could also say how many weeks they can stay for. Be clear about your domestic expectations, e.g 'it will be lovely to eat together, we will need to share cooking and washing up. We want to keep out new house looking good so you can help us with the cleaning and tidying each day'. Then if this isn't happening you have something to point out to tell them that the arrangement isn't working for you. You could also tell them you are worried about the coronavirus risks of combining the households, as a reason why you might ask to change the plans down the line??

Gazelda · 21/08/2020 10:10

If I were you I'd be

  • Getting myself a ft job ASAP
  • Getting my name on property deeds
  • Pull out of house purchase (why do you need 5 bedrooms, surely that's asking for people to stay?)
  • Get your DH to see your lives are far too entangled with uncle. He needs to stop relying on him for employment, employment security (he persuaded uncle not to sell business, wtf?!), pulling strings to help you buy a property, handing over large sums of money to help you achieve finances

To be honest, you owe uncle a hell of a lot. He's been very, very good to you. And now he's asking for a favour in return.