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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want to visit boyfriend's mum on my own

227 replies

DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 09:57

Hello,
I feel awful writing this thread as she is a lovely woman.

Boyfriend is very close with his family (ofcourse) but as in he is used to big family meals, family get togethers, family holidays, his sister is down in his parents house almost every weekend (she lives about an hour away) and he has to see her otherwise the family will wonder why not.

Whereas i'm very close to my family but in a different way. We don't have big family meals, I could go months without seeing my brother (who I love) and I wouldn't bat an eyelid, I see my grandparents a few times a year and tbh I don't really speak to any of my cousins (not badly but we just grew apart). Once a year the whole family get together on boxing day in someone's house which is lovely. I live with my parents and sister and brother and we're a close unit the 5 of us.

So basically, boyfriend works away and is away for 7 weeks. He has told me he'd be upset if I didn't go visit his parents (they live about a 25 minute drive from me) even if it was just for a cup of tea one day.
I don't mind this per say but I just feel a bit awkward (I wouldn't say i'm an awkward person, but I feel sometimes I just don't know what to say). When boyfriend's there, sometimes I still feel a bit quiet, so on my own I feel dread at going.

It probably sounds silly but I don't know how to explain the feeling. I'm 26 and his parents are in their 50s.

OP posts:

Nonotthisagain · 20/08/2020 10:00

Yeah it's a bit weird! How long have you been together? I wouldn't want to go on my own! I like dp's family just fine and I guess I might pop in for a cuppa if I was in their area and literally driving past but a specific visit on my own? Not a chance

Original poster

DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 10:02

We've been together a year a 2 months xxxx

OP posts:

Original poster

DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 10:03

In case there's confusion in the OP - I have 2 brothers - one is 9,
And the other is 28 and lives on his own

OP posts:

AmayaBuzzbee · 20/08/2020 10:04

I would understand this if you were super close to his family and would hence like to visit of your own initiative. As you are not, it would just be weird.

Sunnydaysandsalad · 20/08/2020 10:05

Imo unless you have dc there is no need for you to visit alone..

Original poster

DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 10:06

That's what i've told him,
I've told him that i'm not the type of person that has to see people regularly, I can go weeks without seeing my best friend when we're both busy but it doesnt mean I don't like her,
Whereas boyfriend feels "it would be really nice and it'd make him happy", and now I just feel pressure to go one week

OP posts:

GagaBinks · 20/08/2020 10:06

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't appreciate being made to feel guilty over it either.

HeddaGarbled · 20/08/2020 10:06

No, you don’t need to do this. Don’t be bullied into taking on his responsibilities.

Now then, about your grandparents .....

growinggreyer · 20/08/2020 10:07

Is this boyfriend a keeper? If you are contemplating having a family with him you could see the visit as a chance to build a relationship with a woman who will be having close contact with your offspring. Without him there she is more likely to be herself rather than 'Dan's Mum' if you see what I mean. Anyway, it is your choice and he can be sad, don't take his emotions on as your burden.

SaintofBats · 20/08/2020 10:08

TWO MONTHS? He's barely into boyfriend territory, rather than 'someone I'm seeing', especially if he's gone a lot of the time. It's gobsmacking to me you've even met his parents, far less that he's pressuring you into visiting two people you hardly know because it will 'upset' him if you don't.

Tell him to sod off. You're not the Little Mary Sunshine Parent-Visiting Service, and you don't want to.

Original poster

DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 10:08

@HeddaGarbled I do wish I saw my grandparents more,
I see them about once a month, maybe once every 2 months sometimes,
They're not letting anyone in their house atm as they still want to sheild but i've made a promise to myself i will see them more

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 20/08/2020 10:08

The issue here isn’t you don’t want to it is you can’t have an honest conversation with him. If my husband asked that of me I’d first be confused and say what why, and then laugh and tell him to fuck off.

Even the words he uses are wrong, controlling. Talking about his disappointment, like your job is to live up to his expectations.

You need to address the issues in your relationship, his parents are neither here nor there.

FilthyforFirth · 20/08/2020 10:09

How weird? I dont visit my MIL on my own and have been married for 4 years togethet 7! I definitely wouldnt do this at only 1 year in and I would not appreciate him pressuring you to do it.

I would also imagine, if you want to have kids, what the sort of set up he will expect if this is what he wants now at this very early stage...

Original poster

DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 10:09

@SaintofBats we've been together a year and two months xxxx

OP posts:

SaintofBats · 20/08/2020 10:12

Apologies, I thought you said you'd been together two months.

Well, my point still holds. You're not in a relationship with his parents. He's free to be as close to his family as he likes, but he doesn't get to impose visits on other people, or be 'upset' if they aren't as enthusiastic about his family as he is.

thebabessavedme · 20/08/2020 10:12

you say she is a lovely woman, you have been with her son for over a year so I would assume she sees you as a 'serious' girlfriend and you get on with her. Would it really hurt you to pop in and see her?, It obviously would make your bf happy and I would say the fact that he wants you to have a relationship/friendship with his parents is a good thing. You are in your 20s, not some teenager so I really cant see the problem with having a cup of tea with people in their 50s

Morgana7 · 20/08/2020 10:12

I have been with my DP for over 4 years and I would never visit his family on my own and vice versa. I would find it a bit weird if he went to see my parents without me. It would be different if they were super close but they just have a polite formal sort of relationship.

timeisnotaline · 20/08/2020 10:13

The words and the concepts are a bit off. But just to put it out there I studied and travelled overseas at 21. My boyfriend of a year and a half did visit my parents a couple of times, and went to my parents milestone birthday. That was over 15 years ago and I guess we knew that we would be long term and my parents were his future new family and vice versa. Once in 6 weeks wouldn’t kill you. If he suggested it again I’d say nicely your mum will have to accept me how I am, I am a little introverted and don’t like to live in people’s pockets. Please stop trying to change me.

Original poster

DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 10:14

@SaintofBats it's okay :)
I've basically said the same thing to boyfriend as everyone has said here, that I don't get why he needs me to go and say hello and for a cup of tea, but he doesn't understand why I wouldn't and says if it was the other way around he'd happily come to my parents house on his own

OP posts:

Beetlewing · 20/08/2020 10:15

If being close with his family is so important to him why did he take a job that means he's away from them for weeks? If you're not comfortable stepping in, you don't have to.

Sexnotgender · 20/08/2020 10:15

YANBU. He can take his disappointment and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.

Not your responsibility.

MrsWooster · 20/08/2020 10:16

@Bluntness100

Even the words he uses are wrong, controlling. Talking about his disappointment, like your job is to live up to his expectations.

You need to address the issues in your relationship, his parents are neither here nor there.

This. Address his expectation that you meet his expectations-this is something that is only going to become more of a problem if you’re intending to stay together long term.

Original poster

DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 10:17

No it wouldn't kill me to see her nor was I suggested that it was just because she was in her 50s.
All i'm saying is it is not natural for me, I feel a bit forced and uncomfortable going.
I don't get what's 'teenagery' about this? I just don't have a personality which needs to visit people regularly

OP posts:

TrickyD · 20/08/2020 10:19

You say you are quiet when your BF is there, this would be a good opportunity to have a chat with them without being in his shadow.

forrestgreen · 20/08/2020 10:20

When he comes home will he be popping to see your parents when you're out?

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