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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to visit boyfriend's mum on my own

227 replies

DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 09:57

Hello,
I feel awful writing this thread as she is a lovely woman.

Boyfriend is very close with his family (ofcourse) but as in he is used to big family meals, family get togethers, family holidays, his sister is down in his parents house almost every weekend (she lives about an hour away) and he has to see her otherwise the family will wonder why not.

Whereas i'm very close to my family but in a different way. We don't have big family meals, I could go months without seeing my brother (who I love) and I wouldn't bat an eyelid, I see my grandparents a few times a year and tbh I don't really speak to any of my cousins (not badly but we just grew apart). Once a year the whole family get together on boxing day in someone's house which is lovely. I live with my parents and sister and brother and we're a close unit the 5 of us.

So basically, boyfriend works away and is away for 7 weeks. He has told me he'd be upset if I didn't go visit his parents (they live about a 25 minute drive from me) even if it was just for a cup of tea one day.
I don't mind this per say but I just feel a bit awkward (I wouldn't say i'm an awkward person, but I feel sometimes I just don't know what to say). When boyfriend's there, sometimes I still feel a bit quiet, so on my own I feel dread at going.

It probably sounds silly but I don't know how to explain the feeling. I'm 26 and his parents are in their 50s.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/08/2020 10:40

It sounds as though you're not a good match and this would cause problems for you both in the future.

He's outgoing and loves family events. You're introverted and are happy with hardly ever seeing family and friends.

It's going to lead to problems as there's no way to keep you both happy.

Emeraldshamrock · 20/08/2020 10:40

You don't need to do this but it might be nice if they're kind and he is away.
I'd bet he is a love me love my family package type.

2pinkginsplease · 20/08/2020 10:41

@CMOTDibbler exact same scenario here, together 25 years and I’ve never visited his parents on my own, same as dh has never visited my mum on his own,

I don’t even take the kids myself to see them, we either go ss a family or dh goes to visit his mum with the kids.
Don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with,

unmarkedbythat · 20/08/2020 10:41

@TrickyD

I feel quiet in the sense of when I socialise too much I get tired, I laugh, talk, and joke with his parents but after a while I get tired

Your BF is only suggesting you pop in for a cup of tea. He’s not expecting you to move in with them.

Sorry, but I think you are being mean and ridiculous.

Sorry, but I think your post is mean and ridiculous.
cakeandchampagne · 20/08/2020 10:43

What else does he pressure you to do that you feel uncomfortable doing?

He is being unreasonable- and controlling.

Spied · 20/08/2020 10:44

He cares more about how his parents will feel and thinks it 'looks' better if you go and see them. He's basically moulding you to fit in with his family and their ways and wants you to be seen to be the perfect girlfriend and in turn they can think how well their ds has done for himself.
You are always going to be 'keeping up appearances' with this guy imo.
Do you think he's asked his parents to pop in and see you or arrange a meet-up with you? No.

HollowTalk · 20/08/2020 10:45

There are some very strange responses on here. I wonder whether they are all from the same people who never answer their phones or open their front doors.

OldEvilOwl · 20/08/2020 10:45

Don't go if you don't want to

swampytiggaa · 20/08/2020 10:47

I’ve been with my husband 24 years. Never visited his parents on my own and never intend to tbh. Nothing wrong with them I just don’t feel the need.

thepeopleversuswork · 20/08/2020 10:49

I think its totally reasonable of you not to want to do this.

My ex husband used to leave me for hours on end with his elderly mum, who didn't speak any English. She was a lovely woman but it was excruciating. I hate this assumption that you will automatically gel with all other female family members.

DappledThings · 20/08/2020 10:49

Been with DH for 12 years, married for 9. I love PIL, they are good people and I feel very welcomed ad comfortable in their house. Still wouldn't pop over on my own without a very specific reason.

YANBU in the least.

DerbyshireGirly · 20/08/2020 10:49

I couldn't be bothered doing this either OP and I've been with my husband 13 years. They are his family, as much as I get on with them when we visit together, I don't choose to spend time with them privately.

unicornpower · 20/08/2020 10:50

I wouldn't want to go to my in laws without my Husband-More because they're very dysfunctional and it's not really a pleasant experience! Plus i have zero in common with them so it would just be awkward. He hasn't gone to my parents alone either, I don't see the need really.

If you don't want to go then don't go, they're his parents not yours and If his sister is there weekly then they're not on their own are they!

Original poster
DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 10:53

My job is to do with public speaking so I wouldn't say i'm socially awkward per say,
I'm just me. I can speak but hours of conversation makes me tired.

I have spoken to boyfriend in the past about being introverted and tbh I feel it's one of the only things we argue about.

I have a 'resting bitch face' so when my face is relaxed, it looks moody but i'm really not. Boyfriend therefore always thinks i'm in a mood when i'm with his family and I always reassure him i'm not.

An example of this could be:
Sitting around a table having a meal with his parents and siblings. I have just had a 5 min convo with his parents about work. Conversation changes and i'm listening. 3 minutes of me being quiet
"Are you okay?"
Me: yes
Boyfriend: are you sure?
Me: yes i'm fine.

The worst was we had a takeaway in the garden with his parents, his brother and sister. I was conversing well all night I thought but then I got tired at about 8pm so i became quiet and told him i was tired.
He asked if I want to go in the pool and I said no i'm really tired.

About half an hour we went upstairs just me and him to watch a movie and he had a go at me about how once again I was in a mood and I must not like his family.
So I was confused and upset and told him I dont know what i'm doing wrong. And he said I need to admit to myself that I dont like his family.

We clash in the sense he doesnt understand being introverted and quiet

OP posts:
Motoko · 20/08/2020 10:55

The problem here is that he's trying to guilt trip you into going, by saying he will be disappointed if you don't go. That's the beginning of coercive control.

I think you're going to have more, and bigger problems further along in this relationship.

yomellamoHelly · 20/08/2020 10:57

Have been with my dh 30 years. Have never been to see his parents independently. Get left with his parents when we do see them and that makes me uncomfortable.

billy1966 · 20/08/2020 10:57

I would be deeply unimpressed with his trying to guilt you into doing something by using the word "disappointed".

You don't have to allow yourself be guilted into doing anything.

None of his business what you do when he is away.

Huge red flag to me.

He needs firmly putting in his place OP.
Very firmly.

I would text him that you are "very disappointed in your attempt to manipulate me into to doing something that I would rather not do. How I spend my time while you are away is not your concern".

How you feel about his family isn't the primary issue here. Him thinking he can control you and dictate to you, IS.

ContessaferJones · 20/08/2020 11:03

Seriously, this is a pretty fundamental difference between you and won't resolve over time. Look down the road to kids etc; how do you think he'd respond to a child that was 'moody' like you?

I'd consider this big enough to not progress the relationship beyond what you have now tbh. It's not just the difference between you but the fact that he's asking you to behave in a way you both know you're not comfortable with in order to make him happy. Also, I bet there is an implication that you're somehow wrong for not feeling the same as him. That's not great either.

LightDrizzle · 20/08/2020 11:03

Nope! Squash this one flat.

This is totally unreasonable of him, he doesn’t get to dictate how you spend your free time and once you start, you are trapped in a pattern, if life gets busy and you “miss” weeks, it will be “What have we done to upset Daisy?” his mum will be “hurt” and you, the clean-up woman will need to make it right, you nasty thing.

If this relationship lasts and you have children, no matter how knackered, how sore, how low, you will not be allowed to “shut them out” - however they choose to define that, missing a week, missing a day, not being at the birth, not staying all day, seeing you disappear to the bedroom to breastfeed in privacy making them feel like strangers and perverts at that, instead of like family.

Most of my friends get on with their in-laws, none regularly call round alone like this. I think if my daughter’s fiancé was away for 7 weeks my daughter probably would see his family because she’s super sociable and she has a great relationship with his mum and sister that is more like a peer relationship, they have lots in common. Previous boyfriend she wouldn’t because this wasn’t the case, not that they didn’t get on. She would be wise to it getting to be a regular “commitment” though I’m sure. Not that her MIL-to-be hasn’t got her own stuff and plans and would probably hate being tied down equally.

I’d see this as a red flag, you both come from different family cultures and this could be trouble in the future. Why should you conform to his rather than the other way around? How he reacts to you resisting his request will tell you a lot.

Complying will store up a lot of grief for you in the future.

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/08/2020 11:04

I was married over twenty years - I didn’t see my Ex’s mum on her own, or phone her, ever - why on earth would I - very odd to put pressure on you to do so I think.

Motoko · 20/08/2020 11:04

About half an hour we went upstairs just me and him to watch a movie and he had a go at me about how once again I was in a mood and I must not like his family.
So I was confused and upset and told him I dont know what i'm doing wrong. And he said I need to admit to myself that I dont like his family.

I don't like this either. I'm really starting to think this relationship is likely to become abusive. He's making shit up, so he can have a go at you, and in turn, you'll bend over backwards to try to show him that you do like his parents.

RandyLionandDirtyDog · 20/08/2020 11:06

I’m in my mid-fifties and think it’s very sad that you view visiting his parents as a massive ordeal. Why not invite them to meet you in a coffee shop for a cake and coffee. You only need to allow an hour tops and if you’re uncomfortable talking, ask them questions about their lives instead.

Sadly, some DIL’s on here seem pretty selfish when it comes to prioritising their own parents over their in-laws and think making an effort to forge a good relationship is somehow beneath them. Sad

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2020 11:07

...his sister is down in his parents house almost every weekend (she lives about an hour away) and he has to see her otherwise the family will wonder why not.

Fucking hell. His family is too close for my liking, honestly. It sounds like they live in each other's pockets. Does your boyfriend run every single thing/decision he makes past them? Are they too involved in each other's lives? That would be a big problem for me.

wigglerose · 20/08/2020 11:07

I'd go if it was a "why don't you come over for tea/a cuppa so you've got some company" one night, but the fact that he's asking you to because it would make him happy, would make it a bit awkward.

Blackbear19 · 20/08/2020 11:08

If you actually lived together I'd think they should be visiting you to check you are ok while hes away, but no don't see the need for you to visit them.

I'd feel incredibly awkward visiting my ILs alone. Even me taking the kids to visit would be weird. Yet I remember my mum taking us to visit my Dads mum without DDad.

I think you have to have an open conversation that you'd feel awkward. Would he visit your family without you?