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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to visit boyfriend's mum on my own

227 replies

DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 09:57

Hello,
I feel awful writing this thread as she is a lovely woman.

Boyfriend is very close with his family (ofcourse) but as in he is used to big family meals, family get togethers, family holidays, his sister is down in his parents house almost every weekend (she lives about an hour away) and he has to see her otherwise the family will wonder why not.

Whereas i'm very close to my family but in a different way. We don't have big family meals, I could go months without seeing my brother (who I love) and I wouldn't bat an eyelid, I see my grandparents a few times a year and tbh I don't really speak to any of my cousins (not badly but we just grew apart). Once a year the whole family get together on boxing day in someone's house which is lovely. I live with my parents and sister and brother and we're a close unit the 5 of us.

So basically, boyfriend works away and is away for 7 weeks. He has told me he'd be upset if I didn't go visit his parents (they live about a 25 minute drive from me) even if it was just for a cup of tea one day.
I don't mind this per say but I just feel a bit awkward (I wouldn't say i'm an awkward person, but I feel sometimes I just don't know what to say). When boyfriend's there, sometimes I still feel a bit quiet, so on my own I feel dread at going.

It probably sounds silly but I don't know how to explain the feeling. I'm 26 and his parents are in their 50s.

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 20/08/2020 15:43

I've known PILs 7yr. I dont ever visit without DH. That's like hanging out with his friends without him

ForeverRedSkinhead · 20/08/2020 16:05

I do wish that people would stop saying that feeling tired after socialising is indicative of a health problem or condition! Some thrive in the company of others , some need alone time to recharge. Both of these are 'normal'.

User43210 · 20/08/2020 16:17

No thank you! I was at my ILs the other week and DH and his dad went to the shed for various tool chat. The conversation with his mum lasted a few minutes then we sat in dead silence. No way would I go out of my way to pop in for a cup of tea and I think it's really weird to force that. It would be okay if there was a genuine connection and friendship with his parents but him pressuring you is weird.

I'm not one to make a snap judgement on other relationships but him having a go at you and telling you you don't like his family is odd and I don't know if I would put up with that after constantly having to defend myself.

480Widdio · 20/08/2020 16:18

So he is telling you what to do with your time when you are apart! Nothing to do with him.He is trying to control you.

Tell him no,end of.

Jux · 20/08/2020 16:28

Why would you go and visit relatives of his, when you could as easily go and visit relatives of your own? Tell him you'd rather visit your gps, unless he actually is worried about leaving his parents for such a long time (but his sister can keep an eye on them, can't she?).

For all you know, his parents would as bemused at this request as your are and may be hoping with everything crossed that he hasn't really asked you to drop in "she seems nice enough but we barely know her, what on earth could we talk to her about? No, son, don't ask her please").

Maybe he's a controlling bastard who listens to no one? Just issues orders to all and sundry and expects them to be obeyed?

Just tell him no.

YummyInMyTummy · 20/08/2020 16:33

I think it’s totally weird! I would never see my PiL on my own. The follow up posts also show the DP considers his way to be the only way.

I also totally disagree with @Twoginsonetonic who seems to be reading things into the OP’s posts that aren’t there.

ArabellaScott · 20/08/2020 16:39

he said I need to admit to myself that I dont like his family.

This is gaslighting shit, and I remember my ex doing this kind of thing. It tends to be 'crazymaking' - I know I always felt like I didn't really know my own mind, the reason was this kind of crap that he would tell me I was in denial about things, or unaware or fooling myself. In fact the only thing I needed to realise was that he was an abuser.

You are allowed to not like his family; you're under no obligation whatsoever to like, visit, or get on with his family.

I'm sorry, OP, but I would be carefully assessing your relationship. It sounds to me like he's undermining you, trying to tell you what you feel, what you really think. It's destabilising and controlling.

ktp100 · 20/08/2020 16:47

This is just odd, sorry.

I don't know of anyone who's ever been asked to do this, especially when not married!!

He needs to realise this is asking you to go above and beyond AND that it would make you uncomfortable.

It's 7 weeks, FFS!

thevassal · 20/08/2020 16:50

@RandyLionandDirtyDog

I’m in my mid-fifties and think it’s very sad that you view visiting his parents as a massive ordeal. Why not invite them to meet you in a coffee shop for a cake and coffee. You only need to allow an hour tops and if you’re uncomfortable talking, ask them questions about their lives instead.

Sadly, some DIL’s on here seem pretty selfish when it comes to prioritising their own parents over their in-laws and think making an effort to forge a good relationship is somehow beneath them. Sad

also same to @Greydove28

BUT OP ISN'T THEIR DIL. Even 'seriously dating' is debatable - she's only been in the relationship for just over a year. Why should she 'have' to force an individual relationship with them above and beyond the one she has via her DP? You only referred to DILs - what about SILs? would you honestly expect her DP to do the same for her parents? If your daughter had been seeing someone for a year would you actually expect (not just think it would be nice if they wanted, but expect and judge them if they didn't) their boyfriend to come round and see you? If not then you need to look at your sexism.

Nobody is suggesting OP shouldn't form a closer relationship with her DPs family if she wants to. There just shouldn't be any expectation that she has to.

Don't think either of my parents have ever visited their inlaws independently in more than thirty years of marriage!

Ragwort · 20/08/2020 16:56

I wouldn't dream of expecting my DS's GF to visit me, she is perfectly pleasant but I've got my life and she's got her'S ... I am way over 50 but not sitting around expecting someone to take me out for a cup of tea and cake Hmm, I find that rather insulting.

Your BF sounds very controlling in what is or isn't acceptable to him.

CaptainMyCaptain · 20/08/2020 17:03

His parents are only in their 50s ffs it's not as if they need 'keeping an eye on'. When I was in my 50s I was busy with work and my own social life.

TorkTorkBam · 20/08/2020 17:17

You gave him a reasonable no. He is refusing to accept your no. You expect him to guilt trip you about your no. You are thinking about saying yes purely to avoid his grump. Oh dear.

Don't do it. On principle. Don't talk about it any more either. "I already said I am not doing that. Stop going on or I'll hang up."

You will learn a lot about your boyfriend by saying no to him and sticking to it without apology. The sooner you find out what he's really like the better.

I love the saying The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off

Be prepared for the truth about him and being pissed off about it.

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/08/2020 17:21

I've been married 18 years and love my MIL but it's highly unlikely I'd pop in for a cup of tea in the way your boyfriend wants.

I'd be spending some time thinking if a life with him would mean far more involvement with his family than you'd like.

YouUnlockedTheGateAnd · 20/08/2020 17:39

To the ‘be nice‘ brigade

This is how it starts..

That never ending wifework gou get guilt tripped into. It would be nice if you could pop in... it would be nice if you could sort my family’s Christmas gifts.. just this once.../ it would be nice if you could look after niece/ nephew/granny... just this once.. forevermore.

If I could tell my younger self one thing:

Fuck being nice.

ForeverRedSkinhead · 20/08/2020 17:41

@YouUnlockedTheGateAnd

Yep.

russetred · 20/08/2020 17:57

You are allowed to have wants, needs, boundaries. He doesn't get to impose his ideas of correct behaviour on you - your ideas are right for you and that's ok. Ignore all those posters making out like it's a problem with you - it's not. You must do what makes you comfortable and he needs to accept that - no one gets to force their way of being in to you. Be calm, be polite, have boundaries and stay strong.

Pumpkinpie1 · 20/08/2020 18:03

Covid = no visits to peoples homes
So why are you ever contemplating it

MsTSwift · 20/08/2020 18:08

I would say of course darling but you have to go to and visit my parents without me

The only instance I know of anyone doing this was my sister who has fab in laws and her dh worked very long hours she had her kids very close together she would visit in laws who would give her a glass of champagne and take the babies to the park.

AmelieTaylor · 20/08/2020 18:14

@russetred

You are allowed to have wants, needs, boundaries. He doesn't get to impose his ideas of correct behaviour on you - your ideas are right for you and that's ok. Ignore all those posters making out like it's a problem with you - it's not. You must do what makes you comfortable and he needs to accept that - no one gets to force their way of being in to you. Be calm, be polite, have boundaries and stay strong.
^

14 months is nothing out of a lifetime

You really need to think about things.

He's essentially telling you that you are 'wrong' to be you!

You're both trying to make a square peg fit a round hole.

I honestly do not think you two are compatible. He'll spend his life annoyed you're being 'Miserable/in a mood' and you'll be tired, unhappy & feel misunderstood.

It's not about visiting his Mum, it's about him wanting you to be a different person than you are

I know it's tough when you're young and 'in love'. It's hard when you love someone to accept that a life together would not actually make you happy.

Not sure what else to say realky, I just wish I could make you see that there's nothing wrong with you s a rly how you are and trusting yourself into a pretzel to try to make him happy is never going to make you happy.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 20/08/2020 18:20

Do you get to dictate to him what he does with his time OP, or is it just one way? I would call red flag on this

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/08/2020 11:06

MsTSwift
I would say of course darling but you have to go to and visit my parents without me

Ha. Yes, I actually did that to DH when he didn't understand why I didn't phone his mum "for a chat" or to ask her to do stuff (I do now if I need her help because he's so slow at doing it!) - I asked him if he would ever phone my Dad "for a chat" ["No! What would I even say to him?"] or if he needed Dad to do something ["No, he's your dad, you phone him!"]
Got the point across.

ALLIS0N · 21/08/2020 11:27

Excellent post from @AmelieTaylor

pinkyredrose · 21/08/2020 11:47

He might be hoping they'll keep an eye on you too, make sure you're OK while he's not there that's rather creepy and unnecessary!

ALLIS0N · 21/08/2020 12:02

@Sunnydaysandsalad

Also wondering if you have health issues as I can't imagine classing myself as 'tired' from spending time with people...
And I am 49!!

Wow what a nasty comment ! I can’t believe that in your 49 years of life you have never met someone who is an introvert . Or are you Just so closed minded that you can’t understand that not everyone in the world is exactly like you, so therefore they must be ill?

LockdownDowner · 21/08/2020 13:46

If you feel that this is going to be a lasting relationship then I highly recommend building a good relationship with his family. It might feel odd but a lot of good could come out of it. I have been married twice I built a good relationship with ex MIL(17 years) and my current MIL (16 years) it wasn't easy but was definitely worth the effort.

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