I don't want to visit boyfriend's mum on my own

[DaisyMcJ]

Hello,
I feel awful writing this thread as she is a lovely woman.

Boyfriend is very close with his family (ofcourse) but as in he is used to big family meals, family get togethers, family holidays, his sister is down in his parents house almost every weekend (she lives about an hour away) and he has to see her otherwise the family will wonder why not.

Whereas i'm very close to my family but in a different way. We don't have big family meals, I could go months without seeing my brother (who I love) and I wouldn't bat an eyelid, I see my grandparents a few times a year and tbh I don't really speak to any of my cousins (not badly but we just grew apart). Once a year the whole family get together on boxing day in someone's house which is lovely. I live with my parents and sister and brother and we're a close unit the 5 of us.

So basically, boyfriend works away and is away for 7 weeks. He has told me he'd be upset if I didn't go visit his parents (they live about a 25 minute drive from me) even if it was just for a cup of tea one day.
I don't mind this per say but I just feel a bit awkward (I wouldn't say i'm an awkward person, but I feel sometimes I just don't know what to say). When boyfriend's there, sometimes I still feel a bit quiet, so on my own I feel dread at going.

It probably sounds silly but I don't know how to explain the feeling. I'm 26 and his parents are in their 50s.

@katy1213 true introverts get exhausted from socialising and need time alone to recharge.

It’s very tiring to constantly be switched on, even with minimal conversation, you have to listen, respond at the right time, answer or engage in the conversation, it takes a lot of effort and it very draining.

He has told me he'd be upset if I didn't

he doesn't understand why I wouldn't

"it would be really nice and it'd make him happy", and now I just feel pressure to go one week

He's an emotionally manipulative little sod and that's why you feel so odd about this - it's got nothing to do with whether it's 'easy' or not to go and visit his parents... it's that (once again, by the sound of it) - he's pressurising you to do things his way, be a person he wants you to be - and sulking and guilt tripping to make you. As soon as it's something you actively wouldn't choose to do - the pressure is on.

He doesn't respect you.

He doesn't see you as your own person, just an extension of him (and his family)

He is manipulative, pushy, a steamroller.

This isn't good. He isn't a keeper.

The more you post, the worse he sounds.

You're a puppet at his command, smile, don't look moody, talk, visit my parents.

And even if you had kids, it would not be your responsibility to make them see their GPs. There has to be give and take, GPs come to you, take kids out for the afternoon, you go to them etc. But he wants it all to be on his terms.

I had a similar experience when DH and I were first married. He used to travel a lot and it was expected I’d stay a night or two with his parents when he was away. They meant it kindly, they are very extrovert and hospitable people who would have hated to spend time on their own. I’m introverted and a few solo nights are a real pleasure to me. I had to repeatedly decline their well meant invitations and I am sure they were a little hurt but over time they got used to it and it is now accepted as one of my funny little ways.

If your BF can’t accept this fairly minor difference he’s probably not the man for you long term.

I don’t know if it’s been mentioned already but the phrase is ‘per se‘ rather than ‘per say’

OP you need to be having a conversation with him explaining the difference between being introverted and extroverted, he needs to understand that you get tired and need time to recharge and I would not be entertaining any socialising with his family until he fully apologised for overreacting and accusing you of disliking his family, he seems to want you to focus on what he wants and his happiness without stopping to think about how you feel.

I've been with my partner over 15 years, and unless I had a reason, I wouldn't drop in on my inlaws! Hell, I wouldn't drop in on my own parents!

I think some people just don't get that some families/people are different.

I don't think you have to go, but if you decided to do it, just to take the easy route, could you do it at a time when you had somewhere else to be, so you had a hard time to leave?

Why would you go ?? Sounds very strange to me ...why does he get to dictate your off time?

Nothing to do with him what u do with your time..

I would not want to have to spend my non working time in a way I don't choose.....if he wants to so be it for him ...that level of enmeshed family would be a red line for me ..

That's an odd request from your brother and he has no right to put that on you

I'm an introvert so I know what you mean about finding social interaction tiring after a while. DH is the same as me.

I'm sure he wouldn't be happy if you started complaining about his extroversion around your family like he does about your introversion around his.

There are red flags here - he doesn't get to dictate your behaviour and demand you smile or force your face to look different to it's natural resting position (I also have bitchy resting face).

Think ahead to the future and you have a baby, will he expect you to keep visiting his family during your mat leave whilst he's at work? You see threads on here where people have inlaws who want to come over and see baby every day, or many times a week, or worse, expect a woman who has recently given birth to travel to them with her newborn constantly.

sorry not brother, from your OH

@DaisyMcJ I’m amazed how many posters are telling you to go to visit your boyfriend’s parents! You don’t have to do anything you are not comfortable with and it’s ok to say no. Your boyfriend is not the boss of you and he shouldn’t be telling you what to do. It doesn’t sound like he sees you as his equal and is respectful towards you. Does he say or do anything else that doesn’t feel quite right? How is he likely to react if you stand up to him?

Being very blunt, I don’t think you two are well suited as a couple in the long term. There’s nothing wrong with an introvert and an extrovert being together as long as they accept each other’s differences and are willing to compromise. I suspect your boyfriend isn’t a particularly nice person and you are just starting to see this.

I kind of don’t get why he wants you to go and see them. Is it some kind of test to prove that you like them? Based on your post about the takeaway.

I seem to be in a minority here but I think popping over to see his parents for a cup of tea during a seven week period when he's away doesn't sound unreasonable at all. I think it's nice that they want to see you.

Have his parents said they want to see you? I’m in my 50s and I’ve got plenty of things to fill my time, no desire to fit in extra socialising!

Assuming this is a relationship your invested in I don’t get why you wouldn’t go. I often take ds to see mil and sil on my own. I’ll have a chat with mil or text make sure she’s okay if we’ve not heard from her in a while. If I’m in the area I’ll ask if she wants to meet me and ds for a walk in the woods etc.

If dp was away for weeks on end, he’d probably ask me to pop in and see mil. If it helps you develop a relationship outside of his relationship with her, I don’t see that as a bad thing. You don’t have to stay long.

@RandyLionandDirtyDog What an odd take. Of course the OP is prioritising her own parents over someone else's, even her 'D'Ps. They're her parents! And she's had a relationship - which sounds like it works well for them as is - with them for 26 years. Whereas she's know her 'D'Ps parents for a year and is being pressured by him into a relationship with them that she doesn't feel comfortable with.

OP, please don't feel forced into doing something that makes you unhappy and uncomfortable, no matter how many posters keep saying you should because it's 'only a cup of tea'.

I seem to be in a minority here but I think popping over to see his parents for a cup of tea during a seven week period when he's away doesn't sound unreasonable at all. I think it's nice that they want to see you.

But have the parents contacted the OP and said they'd like to see her? All I see in the OP's posts is her boyfriend saying he'll be disappointed if she doesn't -- nothing from the parents, who may be completely unaware of what he's trying to engineer.

I would go. I can't see any harm in it if you get on with her. It's only a cup of tea and you can keep it short by saying you have another thing to get to afterwards.

YANBU, after a few months of being with my DP I met his parents, who are lovely, but a few days later he arranged for me and his mum to go shopping on our own. Which was nice but it felt quite awkward and forced at the same time!

Hm. Agree with other posters - he seems to be trying to control what you do, who you see and how you feel and act. These are red flags, for me.

Does he make a lot of comments about how you act/what you do, do you feel uncomfortable or anxious when with him?

I don't think it's odd to visit without him, but I do think him trying to insist on it is concerning. I think it will be very revealing how he copes with you saying no. I think you should be fairly blunt about it, without giving much of a reason (so say you don't want to, but don't go into detail, or a very brief reason).

I have no anti-PILs axe to grind at all, and if you wanted to go and visit them then that would be lovely, but you don't. My husband has a large and very close family, but there is only one of them that I would visit on my own. I don't dislike (most of) the rest of them, it just isn't something I would do. I don't feel I need a reason for this, and neither should you.

The only exception for me would be if the PIL's were very frail. My MIL was, and she was also very recently widowed when we met, so I did as much as I was capable of to help out and make sure she wasn't left alone if it could be avoided. If they are perfectly capable of managing then nobody will be harmed by you not seeing them for a few weeks. It might even give you more to talk about when you see them next. Assuming you haven't dumped his arse for being so controlling.

I think if it was an open invitation, ie if you'd like to see my mum I'm sure she'd love to arrange something, rather than you should go over it'd be fine and quite nice. DH used to work away a lot, and he would always be on at me to take DS to see his family. I really like his family, they are genuinely lovely and have always treated me well; but it still felt kinda awkward. I did for DS' sake, but what takes the biscuit is he made no effort himself when he was home. So he would happily go ages without seeing them, when I'd say on a weekend oh shall we pop over (I say pop, it's quite a drive) he would always say he was tired, but then there would be an odd pressure to go when he didn't have to. He also never bothers with my family who live closer, go figure I suppose.

if it was the other way around he'd happily come to my parents

Yes, but he's very different to you in this respect and he's making no effort to see it from your point of view. It would be an easy thing for him and it isn't for you. Many PP on here have told you they never or rarely see ILs without their OH.

People saying it wouldn't kill you to oblige or it shouldn't make you tired have no idea about people who are less outgoing. Your BF should not be twisting your arm into visiting if you don't feel inclined. He's demanding you behave in a way that doesn't reflect your true self. He sounds overbearing, controlling and not empathetic tbh.

Sadly I agree that the more you post, the worse he sounds. He is controlling and red flags are popping up all over the place. Give in now and it will get worse...: and worse... I am sorry op