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Original poster

I don't want to visit boyfriend's mum on my own

227 replies

DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 09:57

Hello,
I feel awful writing this thread as she is a lovely woman.

Boyfriend is very close with his family (ofcourse) but as in he is used to big family meals, family get togethers, family holidays, his sister is down in his parents house almost every weekend (she lives about an hour away) and he has to see her otherwise the family will wonder why not.

Whereas i'm very close to my family but in a different way. We don't have big family meals, I could go months without seeing my brother (who I love) and I wouldn't bat an eyelid, I see my grandparents a few times a year and tbh I don't really speak to any of my cousins (not badly but we just grew apart). Once a year the whole family get together on boxing day in someone's house which is lovely. I live with my parents and sister and brother and we're a close unit the 5 of us.

So basically, boyfriend works away and is away for 7 weeks. He has told me he'd be upset if I didn't go visit his parents (they live about a 25 minute drive from me) even if it was just for a cup of tea one day.
I don't mind this per say but I just feel a bit awkward (I wouldn't say i'm an awkward person, but I feel sometimes I just don't know what to say). When boyfriend's there, sometimes I still feel a bit quiet, so on my own I feel dread at going.

It probably sounds silly but I don't know how to explain the feeling. I'm 26 and his parents are in their 50s.

OP posts:
ConkerGame · 20/08/2020 12:32

OP I hate to say this but I don’t think he’s the one for you. He can’t seem to accept you for who you are. You’re not an outgoing extrovert, life and soul of the party type and he needs to understand that and not try to change you. Doesn’t seem like you’re on the same wavelength at all.

BrowncoatWaffles · 20/08/2020 12:33

If his parents were ill and (especially in the current climate!) shielding, needed groceries delivered or someone checking on them because they were alone and not going out then I'd do it. But otherwise, I completely understand your feeling.

I think also it depends on the people - my ex boyfriend's family, I got on well with his parents but not well enough to do things alone with them. I wouldn't have gone 25 minutes to see them without him even though we all liked each other perfectly well. My MIL on the other hand, I see regularly for coffee and yoga classes just the two of us and even went away with her on holiday without DH and the DC. It just depends on the relationship.

That said, I think it's fair for you to say you wouldn't visit but bear in mind whether he means to or not your boyfriend seems to be equating how you feel about his parents/family with your keenness to visit. You're absolutely ok to say no, but try and explain why tactfully.

teaflake · 20/08/2020 12:34

This would be a dealbreaker for me,.

And, in general, wtf do people ask you, in company, if you're all right? What purpose does it serve? Is it a type of shaming to try and get you to engage?

Crinkle77 · 20/08/2020 12:35

I could understand if she lived a few mins away and you popped in if you were passing but making a specific trip a 25 minute drive away is weird and I wouldn't do it.

FinallyHere · 20/08/2020 12:36

I agree with PP that this could be an introvert/extrovert thing.

However, as PP said, if your DP isn't comfortable with this,then he may not be right for you. If he listens to what you have to say and modifies his expectations, then he is a keeper. If not ....

YouUnlockedTheGateAnd · 20/08/2020 12:37

It’s not a girlfriend he needs. It’s a robot.

Twoginsonetonic · 20/08/2020 12:41

I don't post too much but it's a rainy day today!
I have to say you don't come across as a very nice human being.

Your partner has asked you for a favor which is not an unreasonable one.

You also do come across as jealous of his relationship with his family. By not going what you will achieve is bad feelings. Only why would you want it? He is trying to integrate you into his life which should make most people in a healthy relationship happy.

The fact that you are even questioning such a simple request makes it very clear about your consideration about him and his family. And your attitude to relationships in general.

If my partner would do this to me, I would seriously question his reasons.

I agree with other posters on one thing though - let him go. He deserves better - and in any case you don't seem to be compatible.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/08/2020 12:43

Also, re the disapproval of your tiredness and "face" when you did visit the family group.... he didn't give you very much time to acclimatise did he?
He knows you are quiet why couldn't he give you a bit of time to ease yourself into this group where everyone else has known eachother for years? .
You need to ask him outright where this is all coming from . His parents or him.
If its for him, to keep him happy whilst he's away.. is he often going to be away? He has other family so why do you need to be his deputy? esp if they are not ill or in need of help or anything.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/08/2020 12:44

I completely disagree that this is an introvert/extrovert thing.

He simply doesn't respect her and tries to tell her what to do, using emotional manipulation to make her.

Simple as that.

laudete · 20/08/2020 12:45

Sorry, I do not think this is a great relationship for you. If you were my daughter, I'd hope you'll break up with this boyfriend and find someone way more compatible. Remember, personalities don't change; this relationship is already as "good" as it will ever get. x

HowFastIsTooFast · 20/08/2020 12:47

I can see how it's nice that he wants you to have a relationship with his parents but if you're not from a super close family yourself (I'm not either, so I get it) then I can see how it feels a bit weird for you.

I would happily have a coffee with DP's Sister & BIL if he wasn't there but that's because we get on fine as friends as well as having him in common. His Mum would be a different story I think.

PuppyMonkey · 20/08/2020 12:48

Like a pp, I’m in my mid 50s and I think OP should run for the hills.

FannieMae84 · 20/08/2020 12:49

I thought you weregoing to say you'd been dating for 10 years and they were virtually YOUR family!

2 months - wtf?

This is a massive, massive red flag - your reaction is completely and utterly normal, and i'd think he was joking in the same situation... how bizarre that he'd think it was ok to pressure you like this.

This is the "best"/peak of the relationship, OP, and if he's playing mind fucking games right now like this, with family expectations/not respecting your feelings/doesn't have healthy boundaries now.. it's ONLY going to get worse.

i really really don't think you have a healthy futurewith this chap, i see coercive control down the line...

Dontbeme · 20/08/2020 12:52

By not going what you will achieve is bad feelings. Only why would you want it? He is trying to integrate you into his life which should make most people in a healthy relationship happy

By trying to force a relationship that is not there what is the BF trying to achieve, why would he want to do that? He is trying to force a square peg into a round hole for his own convenience, he is monitoring her facial expressions and berating her for being herself.

I have to say you don't come across as a very nice human being

Does the OP drown cats and eat cake in front of homeless, hungry orphans for fun? It is no wonder so many women end up in $hit relationships that are emotionally abusive and manipulating when other women barrel in with the "not very nice" crap, women do not owe anybody "nice". OP be yourself, embrace what is comfortable for you and get on with your life. If his family is so great why is he pissing off for almost two months without them.

Butchyrestingface · 20/08/2020 12:53

So basically, boyfriend works away and is away for 7 weeks. He has told me he'd be upset if I didn't go visit his parents (they live about a 25 minute drive from me) even if it was just for a cup of tea one day.

If you don't tend to see your own family and friends that often, he is being absurd to the point of farce to expect you to cultivate more regular visitation with his parents.

That said, he may decide (esp if he's thinking of the longer term), he wants a relationship with someone for whom family and doing regular family things together features strongly in their lives. It would surely be better if you know that now?

Butchyrestingface · 20/08/2020 12:53

2 months - wtf?

It's a year and 2 months, hence 14 months.

1forAll74 · 20/08/2020 12:56

If your boyfriend is a reasonable kind of man, he should take notice of how you feel about going to his parents on your own,despite him thinking that you should. He needs to accept your viewpoint on this. If it is going to cause some annoyance to him, well that's another story.

Billben · 20/08/2020 12:57

He has told me he'd be upset if I didn't go visit his parents

😂🤣😂 Oh, diddums.

TenDays · 20/08/2020 13:01

Maybe he said it wrong and meant 'My mum and dad would be so pleased if you popped in to see them while I was away!'

He might be hoping they'll keep an eye on you too, make sure you're OK while he's not there. You've been together for over two years so they might feel they want to bet to know you better.

If it was only once or you could stretch to twice, where's the harm?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/08/2020 13:02

You've only known each other 2 months?

I don't think I'd feel comfortable visiting someone on this scenarios either and I will go anywhere for a biscuit. You can't kew his family very well yet, and I think it might be awkward.

On the other hand, if they are a gregarious bunch, they'd probably do all the talking and you could fulfil your obligations comparatively easily.

Personally, if they were expecting it of you I would go, just to show willing. But only the once - unless I was made to feel so relaxed in their company that I felt really happy to go again.

Sometimes we just have to do something for someone else to show we care - but we don't have to be made into doormats.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/08/2020 13:04

I have to say you don't come across as a very nice human being

I think that's a bit harsh twogins!

Not everyone is comfortable dropping in on virtual strangers. It doesn't make them bad people.

ChrisPrattsFace · 20/08/2020 13:05

I’ve been with my husband nearly 11 years and still wouldn’t go to see his family alone. The odd occasion I have.

Although, I have a strained relationship with his mother and would never be alone with her. She would use it as an opportunity to tell my husband I had verbally attacked her or something equally as dramatic.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/08/2020 13:05

Sorry - I misread. I see you've been together a YEAR and two months, not two months as I thought.

In that case, unless I hated the sight of them, I would visit.

AgentJohnson · 20/08/2020 13:07

He has told me he'd be upset if I didn't go visit his parents

Can you imagine his expectations of you if you lived together, had kids etc. You aren’t his proxy but unless you can negotiate a compromise, his closeness with his family will cause major problems.

MulticolourMophead · 20/08/2020 13:07

@FizzyGreenWater

I completely disagree that this is an introvert/extrovert thing.

He simply doesn't respect her and tries to tell her what to do, using emotional manipulation to make her.

Simple as that.

I agree with this. He's already telling her how she feels about his family, and not listening to her when she tells him that's not the case.

Red flags for me, I'd dump and walk away.