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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to visit boyfriend's mum on my own

227 replies

DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 09:57

Hello,
I feel awful writing this thread as she is a lovely woman.

Boyfriend is very close with his family (ofcourse) but as in he is used to big family meals, family get togethers, family holidays, his sister is down in his parents house almost every weekend (she lives about an hour away) and he has to see her otherwise the family will wonder why not.

Whereas i'm very close to my family but in a different way. We don't have big family meals, I could go months without seeing my brother (who I love) and I wouldn't bat an eyelid, I see my grandparents a few times a year and tbh I don't really speak to any of my cousins (not badly but we just grew apart). Once a year the whole family get together on boxing day in someone's house which is lovely. I live with my parents and sister and brother and we're a close unit the 5 of us.

So basically, boyfriend works away and is away for 7 weeks. He has told me he'd be upset if I didn't go visit his parents (they live about a 25 minute drive from me) even if it was just for a cup of tea one day.
I don't mind this per say but I just feel a bit awkward (I wouldn't say i'm an awkward person, but I feel sometimes I just don't know what to say). When boyfriend's there, sometimes I still feel a bit quiet, so on my own I feel dread at going.

It probably sounds silly but I don't know how to explain the feeling. I'm 26 and his parents are in their 50s.

OP posts:
kattekitt · 20/08/2020 11:08

I would go but that’s me.

How about suggesting a coffee with his mum somewhere in between where you both live? You could also say when making the offer that you have an appointment at x time so can restrict the time spent together, I understand how being around people can tire you out.

LightDrizzle · 20/08/2020 11:10

Oh god! I hadn’t seen your most recent post. So he doesn’t just require you to visit, he wants to prescribe exactly how you behave with them? Permanent smile and ever ready chat?

Fuck that! Him getting the hump when you don’t comport yourself to his satisfaction shows where you come in the pecking order. I don’t think this relationship has legs. He is showing clear signs of being controlling.
If you bend to his demands, you will be very unhappy I fear.

Motoko · 20/08/2020 11:12

No wonder so many end up in abusive relationships, so many posters not seeing the red flags here, and telling OP to go.

CaptainMyCaptain · 20/08/2020 11:15

I've been married 13 years and don't go to see mil on my own.

Tootletum · 20/08/2020 11:15

It's fine to go, and important if you want a good relationship once you have kids, but it should be your choice. Quite frankly if he's that keen on you being part of his family, where's the ring, eh?
I am very happy to spend time with my in laws alone, but we have 3 kids, so it's more that I'm the delivery service for the grandchildren. Grin

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/08/2020 11:16

he said I need to admit to myself that I dont like his family

So this is more than just a simple visit then? I'm not surprised that you feel uncomfortable about it. It also sounds like he's made a judgement about what you are thinking/feeling without listening to what you've said about what you are thinking/feeling.

So why is he trying to force it? It sounds a bit people pleasing to have to sit there smiling and looking like you are having a fantastic time when you are actually anxious with trying to think of things to say and keep the conversation going. It sounds like you need a bit of time to ease yourself in and he should give you that chance.

If you don't want to do it, don't.

How about offering a compromise?
I am happy to visit them with you before you leave and when you return but Its only 7 weeks, I go more than twice as long as that without seeing my parents. Yours are in good health and perfectly able to cope. If they miss you they can zoom, everyone is used to that now since lockdown. I doubt that I will any substitute for you it and would feel very awkward for me without you there."

Tootletum · 20/08/2020 11:19

Actually sorry having rtft, you should dump him immediately. What a twat, he has no respect for you and I don't think he loves you.

ArdoCycle · 20/08/2020 11:19

I’m married and have known my husbands parents for 15 years and I still don’t like to visit them on my own! I only do it so they can see the kids 😂

Undies1990 · 20/08/2020 11:21

Stick to your guns, don't go if you aren't comfortable. It's setting a precedent if you do go and visit alone, and it will be expected again and again.

FWIW, I've never seen my in-laws alone in 30+ years. It's not my responsibility to visit them and it shouldn't be yours either.

TitsOutForHarambe · 20/08/2020 11:21

I've been married for 8 years and still wouldn't go and visit my in-laws alone unless it was to facilitate them spending time with our children. They are very nice people but it just wouldn't occur to me to visit without DH.

WagnersFourthSymphony · 20/08/2020 11:21

You don't have to go, but you could use it as an opportunity to get them to open up - tell you what BF was like when he was a child, get out the photograph album, yarn on about the past. You don't have to do much talking at all - just get them to do it. It's usually far more interesting hearing about the past than office politics. People have more sense of narrative about it and tell it better.

It sounds as though he has difficulty understanding how different you are in temperament and you need to work on that. And you could always ask him what he thinks you'll be talking about when he's not there. Wink

WaynettaLob · 20/08/2020 11:21

My H's family are all close, Sunday dinner every other week no excuses to not attend etc. It's been like this since I met him and like you, I come from a family that is close but does not feel the need to have regular set in stone visits.
It was always frowned upon that I did not attend the Sunday afternoons and they couldn't quite grasp the fact that I had a full time job with only sundays off and my friends and family to see in that time. It's been like that for years and I don't let it bother me. My H doesn't have a problem with it and since we had our own C's, he visits less as well! A few grandchildren of in laws have grown up and also shock horror done their own thing so I'm no longer the black sheep Grin
I'd find it weird visiting your partners mother on my own as well!
Just tell him you will wait while he's back to go and see them together

yelyah22 · 20/08/2020 11:21

I don't think YABU at all.

I've never done this with a partner's parents, apart from with my current OH, because I got on really well with his mum and she was very poorly, so I'd pop in with supplies etc on my way home from work occasionally.

But I find it very odd that he's requesting you to do it - why force something that isn't there? It's all well and good wanting you to have a close relationship with them but it's unrealistic to think that everyone has that relationship with their 'in laws' (and they're not even remotely nearly your in laws yet!). And if it does happen, it should do so naturally, not because he thinks it should.

LightDrizzle · 20/08/2020 11:22

Oh and trying to force you into admitting you don’t like his family, just because you said you were tired and withdrew, is a very aggressive, coercive form of rhetoric. It is a false syllogism: people enjoy spending time with people they like, you didn’t want to spend time with his family = you don’t like his family. It’s false because “spending time with” isn’t a set value, it is a massive continuum and other factors come into play. The issue is where you both feel comfortable along that continuum and he is comfortable with you subordinating your own preferences, personality type and comfort to conform to his preferences and expectations.

TrickyD · 20/08/2020 11:22

I'd go if it was a "why don't you come over for tea/a cuppa so you've got some company" one night, but the fact that he's asking you to because it would make him happy, would make it a bit awkward.

Yes, God forbid that we do some minor thing we are not keen on because it would make our DP happy.

Notonthestairs · 20/08/2020 11:23

I think he's setting you a test. It's important that you stand up for yourself now - even if that leads to calling time on your relationship. Your wishes are just as important as his.

I have spent day trips with my MIL (many years ago) but we had a common interest. It was still tricky at times. I will visit alone but a) we've been married 15 years and b) I tend to go if there is some practical help I can offer. I don't enjoy sitting around for the sake of it.

billy1966 · 20/08/2020 11:24

@Motoko

No wonder so many end up in abusive relationships, so many posters not seeing the red flags here, and telling OP to go.
Absolutely correct.

This is how it starts.
He sounds like a complete PITA.

ALLIS0N · 20/08/2020 11:24

@Beetlewing

If being close with his family is so important to him why did he take a job that means he's away from them for weeks? If you're not comfortable stepping in, you don't have to.
This.

Don’t get drawn into this. You are not even his wife and you are already doing his wifework.

janetmendoza · 20/08/2020 11:26

You must do what you want. You are absolutely free to make a choice not to visit. But he is absolutely free to want a partner who wants to develop a relationship with his family. You say yourself that his wider family are very close. He is presumably looking for a partner that would welcome that. No one is right or wrong-but you have different expectations. Are you sure you are well suited as this seems so important to both of you with neither of you wanting to compromise. If your relationship is going to be long term this difference in expectations re family is going to run and run.

SaintofBats · 20/08/2020 11:28

You are not even his wife and you are already doing his wifework.

Absolutely, this.

minimike · 20/08/2020 11:30

So BF can't understand 1) that we are not all like him and 2) that all families are not like his either.
You seem to be saying that the tiredness is altering the way you might socialise.

3) Is it fair to say this tiredness is becoming a health issue?
Can he cope with these three factors?

All is not lost! Don't just put him off hire.
Perhaps his mother might be the one person that he will listen to. If you explain it to her quite frankly.

NataliaOsipova · 20/08/2020 11:33

It’s a bit of an odd one - and, at its heart, probably boils down to the fact that you’re ultimately very different people (which is definitely the most serious point to consider in terms of your relationship). But if you abstract from all of that and just look at it on its own terms, I think @growinggreyer has it right. If he - and therefore by extension, his parents - is in your mind for the long term, then I don’t see that it’s such a big deal. Go for half an hour. You might find you enjoy yourself and can build a relationship with his mum on your own terms. If you can, that bodes really well for the future if you stay with this man. If you can’t, then that’s also valuable information for you.

For what it’s worth, one of my friends used to pop in to have a coffee with my mother when I’d gone to university and she was resitting herA levels. She was a bit fed up with her own family and it was really nice for both of them. Friends of a different generation can be enormously valuable and offer really different insights into life. So I’m on the side of giving it a go. Not to appease your boyfriend, but because you might get something from it for little effort on your part.

Pobblebonk · 20/08/2020 11:33

The coffee shop idea seems quite a good one - say that you're in the area and have a little time to spare and suggest you meet up. If necessary, invent an appointment which means that you have to keep the meeting to an hour at most.

But I also agree there is a bigger picture here. If he doesn't understand what it is not to be extroverted, and is going to keep putting moral pressure on you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable, is there a future in this?

CallmeAngelina · 20/08/2020 11:33

Would he go and visit your parents, if the roles were reversed?

ladybee28 · 20/08/2020 11:34

@DaisyMcJ

My job is to do with public speaking so I wouldn't say i'm socially awkward per say, I'm just me. I can speak but hours of conversation makes me tired.

I have spoken to boyfriend in the past about being introverted and tbh I feel it's one of the only things we argue about.

I have a 'resting bitch face' so when my face is relaxed, it looks moody but i'm really not. Boyfriend therefore always thinks i'm in a mood when i'm with his family and I always reassure him i'm not.

An example of this could be:
Sitting around a table having a meal with his parents and siblings. I have just had a 5 min convo with his parents about work. Conversation changes and i'm listening. 3 minutes of me being quiet
"Are you okay?"
Me: yes
Boyfriend: are you sure?
Me: yes i'm fine.

The worst was we had a takeaway in the garden with his parents, his brother and sister. I was conversing well all night I thought but then I got tired at about 8pm so i became quiet and told him i was tired.
He asked if I want to go in the pool and I said no i'm really tired.

About half an hour we went upstairs just me and him to watch a movie and he had a go at me about how once again I was in a mood and I must not like his family.
So I was confused and upset and told him I dont know what i'm doing wrong. And he said I need to admit to myself that I dont like his family.

We clash in the sense he doesnt understand being introverted and quiet

This is taking things a little off-topic, but I couldn't let this go – OP, you do not have a 'resting bitch face'.

You have a face.

End of.

Women are not required to look perky and cheerful all the time, and it doesn't give you a bitch face to relax your cheeks.

You don't have to name yourself this way, nor maintain a certain 'mood' or 'look' to keep your boyfriend happy.