Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to visit boyfriend's mum on my own

227 replies

DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 09:57

Hello,
I feel awful writing this thread as she is a lovely woman.

Boyfriend is very close with his family (ofcourse) but as in he is used to big family meals, family get togethers, family holidays, his sister is down in his parents house almost every weekend (she lives about an hour away) and he has to see her otherwise the family will wonder why not.

Whereas i'm very close to my family but in a different way. We don't have big family meals, I could go months without seeing my brother (who I love) and I wouldn't bat an eyelid, I see my grandparents a few times a year and tbh I don't really speak to any of my cousins (not badly but we just grew apart). Once a year the whole family get together on boxing day in someone's house which is lovely. I live with my parents and sister and brother and we're a close unit the 5 of us.

So basically, boyfriend works away and is away for 7 weeks. He has told me he'd be upset if I didn't go visit his parents (they live about a 25 minute drive from me) even if it was just for a cup of tea one day.
I don't mind this per say but I just feel a bit awkward (I wouldn't say i'm an awkward person, but I feel sometimes I just don't know what to say). When boyfriend's there, sometimes I still feel a bit quiet, so on my own I feel dread at going.

It probably sounds silly but I don't know how to explain the feeling. I'm 26 and his parents are in their 50s.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 10:21

@TrickyD i'll expand on this more as I probably didnt explain it properly,
I feel quiet in the sense of when I socialise too much I get tired,
I laugh, talk, and joke with his parents but after a while I get tired,
And it'd be no different if I was on my own

OP posts:
Tlollj · 20/08/2020 10:21

If you don’t want to go don’t go.
It not up to you to step in to his shoes if his working away and can’t go himself.
You’ve only known him a year.
Not your problem.

Blanca87 · 20/08/2020 10:22

I think you need to put boundaries in place now. Honestly, I can see this situation escalating if you don't nip it in the bud, who does he think he is guilt tripping you to see his family whilst he's away? "Next it will be don't see you friends whilst I'm away, hang out with my mum instead, that would make me happy... "

It also sounds like overbearing family dynamics too, boundaries are key here.

Original poster
DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 10:22

@forrestgreen haha the thing is I can actually picture boyfriend being the type to visit people on his own,
He's vert extroverted and confident which is why i think he doesn't understand why I wouldnt

OP posts:
Poppyismyfavourite · 20/08/2020 10:23

I've never visited the in laws without DH and we've been together 8 years! Except once I had dinner with his sister after I'd had a job interview in their city.

Original poster
DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 10:25

Last time boyfriend went away (which was before coronavirus) I went to a restaurnt with his mum and his little sister and my little sister came too, which was really nice,
But I just dont want to go out of my way to go to their house

OP posts:
MaskingForIt · 20/08/2020 10:25

@SaintofBats

TWO MONTHS? He's barely into boyfriend territory, rather than 'someone I'm seeing', especially if he's gone a lot of the time. It's gobsmacking to me you've even met his parents, far less that he's pressuring you into visiting two people you hardly know because it will 'upset' him if you don't.

Tell him to sod off. You're not the Little Mary Sunshine Parent-Visiting Service, and you don't want to.

She said “a year and two months”.
Ticklemelmo · 20/08/2020 10:27

I'd feel the same and I've been together with my bf for nearly 5 years.

Just be honest and say you don't feel comfortable.

HouchinBawbags · 20/08/2020 10:27

DH and I were together for two years before we had our firstborn and despite his mum and dad living close by, no way did I visit them without DH (then just boyfriend). It would have been weird. I got on with his folks just fine but they're HIS folks. Not mine.

Once we had children then I did visit them a little more often and now 17 years in with 3 kids I regularly go without him but that's only because I have a good relationship with his family personally.

Original poster
DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 10:29

I think things would change if we had children as i'd have a purpose for seeing them but right now it would just be random

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 20/08/2020 10:29

So basically, boyfriend works away and is away for 7 weeks. He has told me he'd be upset if I didn't go visit his parents (they live about a 25 minute drive from me) even if it was just for a cup of tea one day.

Really? Odd. Does he realise how uncomfortable this would make you? If not, tell him- and then if he continues to say you should do this, ask him why he wants to upset you.

giletrouge · 20/08/2020 10:29

He's an extrovert - and you sound like an introvert. Equally fine and valid. What needs to happen is that he needs to understand and accept you exactly as you are, and not take it as some kind of ridiculous insult. If he can't do that, he's prob not right for you OP.

Temp123999 · 20/08/2020 10:30

Two months?
I hadn't met DH's parents at this point never mind dropping in alone for a cuppa!

PoloNeckKnickers · 20/08/2020 10:31

That sounds bonkers to me. My MIL lives about an hour's drive away and I had never visited her on my own until about 10 years ago (after I'd been married to her son for 12 years!) Until then I'd only ever visited with my DH. Then she had a massive heart attack and my DH had just had surgery so I went alone to go and visit her and have done so occasionally since then.

Mommabear20 · 20/08/2020 10:32

IMO being with someone means being part of the family and making the effort expected in that family. I frequently went to DH (then bf) parents house, took his dad to doctors appointments etc. That's what they do in their family and if i was with their son I was considered family and was flattered!

MaskingForIt · 20/08/2020 10:33

Would it really hurt you to pop in and see her?

This is how is starts. The socialisation of women to take on the mental/emotional load and the ‘wifework’.

“Do it to make me happy”. What about doing it making the OP unhappy? Why does the BF want his GF to feel uncomfortable? What comes next, taking on card sending and present buying “because you’re good at it and it will make me happy”.

everythingbackbutyou · 20/08/2020 10:33

Hell to the no! Would be really weird to me. Why would he be upset if you didn't visit his parents? Is it because he thinks it won't reflect well on him for some reason?

CMOTDibbler · 20/08/2020 10:34

I've been with my dh for 25 years. In all that time, I have never, ever been to his parents by myself. Why would I?
I agree with a pp that there is a difference between 'if you felt like it when I'm away, mum would be happy to see you for a cuppa' and 'I'm disappointed you won't go by yourself'. Sounds like he's setting you up for a relationship of wifework where you get to do all the arranging, presents, cards and would be responsible for children seeing his family

TrickyD · 20/08/2020 10:34

I feel quiet in the sense of when I socialise too much I get tired,
I laugh, talk, and joke with his parents but after a while I get tired

Your BF is only suggesting you pop in for a cup of tea. He’s not expecting you to move in with them.

Sorry, but I think you are being mean and ridiculous.

EmpressSuiko · 20/08/2020 10:35

I’ve been with my DH over 10 years, have dc and still wouldn’t go and see his parents alone, I’m very introverted though and suffer from social anxiety, it would cause me so much stress where as my DH will happily pop into my parents for a coffee without me but he has never expected me to do something that would make me uncomfortable.

everythingbackbutyou · 20/08/2020 10:36

I admit, I have strong feelings on this one because I've recently ended a long marriage with someone who is way too enmeshed with his parents, and it always struck a nerve with me because, like OP, my relationship with my family is totally different.

speakout · 20/08/2020 10:37

Sounds like he wants to salve his own guilt about not seeing his parents for 7 weeks by using you as a stand in.

Bugger that.

katy1213 · 20/08/2020 10:38

If you don't want to go, don't. But you sound so socially awkward. I can't see what's so tiring about a chat and a cup of tea with a woman you say you like. No need to stay more than half an hour. They sound nice and maybe they want to get to know you for yourself.

woodlandwalker · 20/08/2020 10:38

As an extrovert he needs to understand how tiring social interaction can be for you as an introvert. This will affect other things than visiting his parents so maybe you need to have a conversation with him about this. You could send him links to suitable websites.

Wishingforanotherlife · 20/08/2020 10:38

Folk need to appreciate that others live their lives differently. There is no right, no wrong, just different. My family life is similar to yours OP, don't see my siblings for months at a time and we all live about 45 mins drive from each other. It's just the way we are.

DH's family are bigger, closer (in terms of communicating) and that's how they are. Endure is probably the best word to describe how I function at their get togethers. There are so many of them it's overwhelming. That they are all close is kind of alien to me. I don't really know how to do big get togethers like that as it was never learned behaviour in my own upbringing.

That aside, he has expectations of you that have manifested themselves in this instance but they may manifest themselves in other ways if you don't talk it out. There is always a bit of come and go in a relationship. And he seems to be taking the stance of 'I don't understand why you are different and translating that into I am right and you are wrong'. It's like someone liking tea and the other coffee.

He needs to understand that everyone operates differently and that that's ok. He is also looking to you to fulfil his obligations.