Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To class DD (20) boyfriend as an absolute tool

185 replies

browny1981 · 19/08/2020 18:43

My DD (20) has her own flat she works hard as a carer for vulnerable adults
Her boyfriend of 2 years was gifted a deposit to buy his own place and has a house . Recently my daughter's flat had a leak and the property manager wants to do extensive work. My daughter stary3d to look for another flat and her boyfriend said hey why don't you move in with me ? She was hesitant but chuffed as it seemed the relationship was moving forwards. The problem ; At the weekend they went for a walk with his mum, during the walk she pulled boy wonder to one side and had a discussion that was loud enough for my daughter to hear (she was behind them with the dog) it was in a nutshell a warning to her son to get a legal document signed and make sure she didn't "get his possessions or house" following the walk my DD approached BF and said is there an issue ? He says we need a solicitor, my mum has arranged one!!!! I have said right no moving in with him lets get hunting for a flat stay here until one becomes available I think it's horrible the way this was done ! I get there may be concerns on her part as there are on mine - my daughter is giving up her home she rightly has no legal rights to the house but if they split she would have nothing and nowhere , the manner in which this was done has peed me right off !!! ( he already listed her white goods on a selling site and told her to give notice )

OP posts:
YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 19/08/2020 18:45

How are you ‘stopping’ a Twenty year old from moving in with her boyfriend?

You are too involved - as is his mother, but his mother is right. If I were moving in with someone, I’d want to ring fence my assets.

covetingthepreciousthings · 19/08/2020 18:49

If this was reversed and it was your DDs house that you'd gifted her the money for and she was moving her BF in, would you not be advising her to get a solicitor?

I don't see a massive problem tbh, and as long as DD is happy, I'd leave them too it.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/08/2020 18:49

You can't stop a 20 year old moving in with her boyfriend. If she asks for your advice then give it to her but you can't prevent it.

StormzyInaDCup · 19/08/2020 18:50

The mother sounds ridiculous. How rude to hold that conversation in front of your DD.

It's ultimately your daughters decision, I would not be contributing to a mortgage in this set up. So her DP may need to adjust his expectations if he wants a legal document and I most certainly would not be seeing a solicitor that his mother has set up.

Original poster
browny1981 · 19/08/2020 18:50

Well i get how that may be the impression but to put it in context, i got a call saying guess what ? He's asked me to move in whatcha think ? Then 3 days later a crying sobbing daughter saying i felt so awful and uncomfortable the WAY it was done is what i don t like I accept the concerns like i said it's just a bit nasty to do it the way it was done , i am not going to stop her but my gut reaction was to say that I try to be supportive but i was hurt for her, imagine going for a walk and then the pair of them stride on in front and the boyfriends mother loudly saying oh no oh no get a solicitor no way is she getting that house!! I was really hurt for her she's a good girl she's always been so Independant and pays her way always worked I feel bad for her :((

OP posts:
SylvanianFrenemies · 19/08/2020 18:52

The mother was rude in his she went about things. Otherwise, no big deal. Stop amplifying the drama.

chipsandpeas · 19/08/2020 18:53

his mother is right

IHaveBrilloHair · 19/08/2020 18:53

It sounds like his mother is the problem.

SylvanianFrenemies · 19/08/2020 18:53

His = how

hastingsmua1 · 19/08/2020 18:53

If I’m being honest, relationships where you live together at
20 can be hit or miss. It’s better for her to have her own place instead of being completely dependent on him as she’ll be in a shit position if they split up.

They’re not necessarily about to settle down and it’s okay for either of them to want to leave the relationship at any point.

Unfortunately I do think it’s logical for him to want to protect his house

Notgoingonholiday · 19/08/2020 18:54

I totally get it OP and would have reacted the same. Yes it might be a sensible move on the boyfriends part, but there was no need for it to have been dealt with like that. Protective instincts kick in and while you can't stop DD moving in with him, I would feel the same.

YesINameChangeEveryDay · 19/08/2020 18:57

The mother was rude to discuss it in front of your daughter but she's right to give him that advice. I'd do the same for my child.

Original poster
browny1981 · 19/08/2020 18:58

I dont think in am amplifying anything ! I have given my opinion to my daughter who i feel was treated badly, why not have a proper conversation? Why talk to your son loud enough to be heard but not either come out and say it or don't do anything and leave them to it , she didn't give him the deposit his grandparents did which she is sore about and he's been there 3 no the and said he was struggling with bills due to being furloughed so she's helped him out she's not a gold digger, its the way it was done, i wouldn't be uncivil or nasty to this woman but I'm on here to vent as i was hurt for her and I didn't want to vent to her , i said let's look for another flat and you can stay here and yes I was annoyed , its my child:(

OP posts:
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 19/08/2020 19:00

It's odd this was done in front of her - why not by phone or when she wasn't there.

It does not sound as though either of the 20 year olds are ready to move in together as they are both very reliant on their mothers.

However it also sounds as though the boyfriend's mother doesn't really regard the house as her son's but as partly hers - unfortunately financial gifts from parents often come with very, very sturdy strings.

As your daughter came to you to ask advice I don't think you're unreasonable giving it. The boyfriend clearly relies heavily on his mother - she's arranging a solicitor?! Perhaps he should be, but not his mother!

If it were my DD I'd also advise her not to move in with him because there'd be 3 in that relationship, and she's been cast in the role of a gold digger. Also because he appears to be telling her what to do - why has he listed her white goods for sale?

I wouldn't advise anyone to move in with a partner who tells you what to do and is in turn told what to do by their mother (and obeys without question).

In turn you can only offer advice if requested and a roof if wanted. She has to live her own life and be free to make her own choices and mistakes.

She'd definitely be better getting her own flat though.

Original poster
browny1981 · 19/08/2020 19:01

Agree with the sentiment and the advice totally, i said to my daughter we have to think of what if and my advice is to think about what happens if you separate you're young , its the way it was done if you see what I mean it felt nasty :(

OP posts:
krustykittens · 19/08/2020 19:02

I voted YANBU because while I think his mother is right to ring fence assets she has contributed to, there are ways of going about it. His mother seems to be determined to be rude to your daughter and he didn't raise an eyebrow. It should have been something he thought of himself and discussed in a mature way with your daughter but instead mummy is sorting it all out for him. I would be offended on behalf of my daughter at the way it has been handled as well.

Martamaybe · 19/08/2020 19:02

It was handled badly if his mother used those actual words however the idea to get a legal document is a good one . It also forces them to precisely think about how they will manage all their finances if they move in together. I’d support her in deciding how this will best work for her . I’d also be wary of speaking badly of her boyfriend. He actually hasn’t done much wrong and that can come back to bite you if they stay together.

formerbabe · 19/08/2020 19:03

To be honest, I can see both sides

krustykittens · 19/08/2020 19:04

Sorry , cross posted and just saw it was his grandparents who gave him the money! But I agree with a PP, it's not nice for your daughter to be cast in the role of gold digger by what seems to be a very interfering mother. She might want to consider running for the hills!

Whatsnewpussyhat · 19/08/2020 19:07

If your DD didn't move in with him she would still be renting so why are you saying if they split she'd be left with nothing, when renting would leave her with nothing.

She could use the savings from splitting living costs to build up a decent safety net just in case they did split.

dadshere · 19/08/2020 19:09

No, I have to agree with the mum on this.

Cocomarine · 19/08/2020 19:10

His mother is giving him good advice, despite her lack of social skills. Calm down - listen to your daughter complain about his mum being rude, sure - but if you start with, “right we’re looking for another flat” then you sound as bad as the other mother!

katy1213 · 19/08/2020 19:10

Stop fanning the flames. At 20, she's far to be young to be giving up her independence to live with anyone. The boyfriend's mother is getting her knickers in a twist because your daughter has no claims to his property as they're not planning to marry. But she's a silly girl if she moves in and pays rent that helps with his mortgage instead of getting a place of her own.

wildcherries · 19/08/2020 19:10

Had this been reversed, people would have been advising you to tell your daughter to do the same thing. It's sensible advice but could have been handled better.

Willthisallblowover · 19/08/2020 19:10

His mum sounds like a rude cow Saying that in front of your daughter, there was no need for that, however, I can see why she has said to get a lawyer to protect his money, there is nothing wrong with that. Your daughter should be getting a lawyer herself to safeguard the deposit she is putting towards the house and possessions.

Swipe left for the next trending thread