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Original poster

To class DD (20) boyfriend as an absolute tool

185 replies

browny1981 · 19/08/2020 18:43

My DD (20) has her own flat she works hard as a carer for vulnerable adults
Her boyfriend of 2 years was gifted a deposit to buy his own place and has a house . Recently my daughter's flat had a leak and the property manager wants to do extensive work. My daughter stary3d to look for another flat and her boyfriend said hey why don't you move in with me ? She was hesitant but chuffed as it seemed the relationship was moving forwards. The problem ; At the weekend they went for a walk with his mum, during the walk she pulled boy wonder to one side and had a discussion that was loud enough for my daughter to hear (she was behind them with the dog) it was in a nutshell a warning to her son to get a legal document signed and make sure she didn't "get his possessions or house" following the walk my DD approached BF and said is there an issue ? He says we need a solicitor, my mum has arranged one!!!! I have said right no moving in with him lets get hunting for a flat stay here until one becomes available I think it's horrible the way this was done ! I get there may be concerns on her part as there are on mine - my daughter is giving up her home she rightly has no legal rights to the house but if they split she would have nothing and nowhere , the manner in which this was done has peed me right off !!! ( he already listed her white goods on a selling site and told her to give notice )

OP posts:
Original poster
browny1981 · 19/08/2020 21:48

doityourselfnow

I think the point I was making was that she isn't out to freeload But yes I am.proud of her as I'm sure his parents are.prpud of him. I dont put her above him but would like her to put herself as equal to any man and actively encourage her to do so which is why I'm annoyed she's being treated so rudely !

OP posts:
Leaannb · 19/08/2020 21:49

@IdblowJonSnow

I think if shes paying towards his mortgage then she should also get something out of it. Otherwise why should she move in and lose her home? Agreements dont have to be all or nothing. Agree his deposit should be protected though.
She isn't contributing to the mortgage. She is paying her rent. She is nothing more than a lodger.
MintyMabel · 19/08/2020 21:49

the WAY it was done is what i don t like I accept the concerns

I agree it should have been handled differently, but if that were your only concern, why mention that she’d be left with nothing if they split and decide she isn’t to move in with him? Presumably if it’s only the way it was done, all that’s needed is a conversation between them? “I’m happy you need to protect yourself, but next time, can we have a grown up conversation about it rather than your mother sniping about it within earshot”

Original poster
browny1981 · 19/08/2020 21:49

Also it isn't a drip feed it's context ! She does live alone as per my OP she was ask3s to give her flat up I am so.pmy suggesting potential underlying reasons in a discussion aimed at clarifying my own reaction .

OP posts:
DameHannahRelf · 19/08/2020 21:50

I agree it was rude how she went about it, but his dm made a valid point.

doityourselfnow · 19/08/2020 21:51

Also it isn't a drip feed it's context ! She does live alone as per my OP she was ask3s to give her flat up I am so.pmy suggesting potential underlying reasons in a discussion aimed at clarifying my own reaction .

Makes no sense whatsoever!

frazzledasarock · 19/08/2020 21:52

@Leaannb if you look at OP’s posts her daughter is paying for the mortgage her boyfriend can not afford to pay the household bills whilst he’s been on furlough. The DD has been paying bills.

Cuteypye · 19/08/2020 21:53

I think your dd’s bf Is very sensible to protect his assets. Young love can be very fickle and there is a pretty good chance their relationship won’t last.

A previous gf of my ds (they had been together for 18 months) asked him to move 200 miles with her, to be nearer her family. They also needed a deposit plus one months rent upfront to lease a flat. She had no money so my son used the 3k he had got from my dm in her will, to pay this, plus buy the things she wanted for their flat. He got a job transfer and had been there less than a month, when she dumped him. He came home for a weekend break and by the time he went back she had moved her new bf in! She expected my ds to continue paying half the rent for the remaining 11 months of their lease, while she and her new bf stayed there. Luckily the letting agent said that no one else could move in, without both the leasees agreeing, so she had to take over the lease. He managed to get a transfer back here (as they thought highly of him), though he had to take a different position. He lost the deposit and had no end of problems with bills etc. I know it was only 3k, which was a lot of money to him, but he lost the lot, plus more for 1 month of living in the flat. I also had to pay for him to stay in a boarding house until he was transferred back here.

I had decided to split the money that my dm had left me between my children, so I paid the deposit on a house for him, but the house was put in both our names, as I felt this was the best way to prevent any future gf getting her hands on half of it. Once bitten, twice shy!

doityourselfnow · 19/08/2020 21:55

@browny1981 how long have they lived together?

Meckity1 · 19/08/2020 21:56

Can I just check - her boyfriend is pushing this and put your daughter's white goods for sale without telling her?

It sounds like he likes her looking after him but his mother is being sensible on his behalf (and rude).

How does your daughter feel about how he has treated her during lockdown?

Original poster
browny1981 · 19/08/2020 21:57

I'll try again ; what I'm saying is it may come across as drip feeding but its context, I'm really not being argumentative here, what I'm saying is am i being a cow for being upset with him for allowing his mum to do what she did without stepping up and saying well to be fair ..... She does live alone and pays her own bills that's my issue ! Should she give it up and then they get in a mess because he is irresponsible only for her to get the blame? Anyway she will do whar she decides is right I was just sort of venting because I think shes been treated poorly but in the end it's her life I was annoyed this afternoon and appreciate there are different views

OP posts:
doodleygirl · 19/08/2020 21:59

My DD was gifted £20,000 as a house deposit, she bought a house and her boyfriend moved in. She took legal advice and had a document drawn up which her boyfriend signed to say he has no legal claim on the house. Her boyfriend pays half the bills and nothing toward the mortgage.

They are now talking about selling her house and buying one together. They will both put down the same deposit.

Your DD boyfriends mum was very rude in the way she spoke when your DD was there but the sentiment is absolutely correct.

TenDays · 19/08/2020 21:59

Sounds like DD had a lucky escape if her boyfriend is so far under his mother's thumb.

Original poster
browny1981 · 19/08/2020 22:01

Do-it-yourselfnow
This is only week one!! She's lived away from home about 18 months him I think maybe 3 months max , young love eh !

OP posts:
doityourselfnow · 19/08/2020 22:02

@browny1981 how long have they been living in his house?

Original poster
browny1981 · 19/08/2020 22:03

Oh the saga continues tonight! So he has said he would like her to have the agreement drawn up and pay the solicitor but wants it to be the solicitor of his mother's choice ? How do i respond tactfully because it's just sounding more and more like I'm being awful on here and I'm really not but it just seems so unjust and a bit controlling !

OP posts:
doityourselfnow · 19/08/2020 22:04

@frazzledasarock she's been there one week!!

Original poster
browny1981 · 19/08/2020 22:05

Yes a week! one week at his house just one and this already ! And I did say should this not have been sorted prior to moving in? She still has 3 weeks on her tenancy remaining.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 19/08/2020 22:06

he pays for his advice about his house

She pays or gets her own advice

doityourselfnow · 19/08/2020 22:06

@browny1981 tell your daughter to move out! She can rent somewhere else whilst her flats sorted, if she dies t like the terms then just move out!

chickenyhead · 19/08/2020 22:07

if she pays for HIS advice she is a cash cow.

Which he is already lining her up to be

Carlislemumof4 · 19/08/2020 22:08

Well I don't like the sound of this situation for your daughter.

She pays towards the mortgage and covers his bills while having no rights to the property? He meanwhile blows his furlough money on beer, lists your daughter's white goods for sale, I wonder where he thinks that money should go...

With a tenancy on a flat she has rights whereas he can kick her out from his house with no notice if he feels like it. After she's paid for everything!

I think there is a significant difference between 20 and 26 as well (albeit she sounds by far the more mature!) You're right to advise her.

She absolutely shouldn't be contributing to the mortgage if her name isn't on it. His deposit should be protected but other than that...another flat to rent on her own while he sorts himself out and until they'd jointly own/rent on moving in together sounds a better idea.

frazzledasarock · 19/08/2020 22:08

@browny1981 so if your DD has only been living there a week how has she been paying his bills?

I reckon your dd needs to keep her flat and stay over at her boyfriends occasionally. Contribute nothing to any bills.

They both seem to be jumping in too quickly he sounds like he wants someone to pay the bills and she’s allowing him to take over and boss her about. Why is he selling her stuff?

chickenyhead · 19/08/2020 22:09

he has had the house 3 months and already she pays the mortgage

And the hard time YOU got on this thread

Standrewsschool · 19/08/2020 22:09

My question now is, why is she subsidising him, and paying into the house, when she doesn’t live there? Is it the occasional meal or more. If it’s three bedroom, can’t he take a lodger (and why hasn’t he done thaT before him). If he couldn’t afford the house on his wages, he should have brought a cheaper house. Your daughter shouldn’t be bailing him out (is he planning to pay the money back?) And he shouldn’t be wasting his money on beer etc.

I’m beginning to think you were right when you said the bf is an ‘absolute tool’!

Incidently, I presume you meant hadn’t been paid, not laid! I’m sure not many boys (or man at 26) will talk to their mum about behind laid!!Grin

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