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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To class DD (20) boyfriend as an absolute tool

185 replies

browny1981 · 19/08/2020 18:43

My DD (20) has her own flat she works hard as a carer for vulnerable adults
Her boyfriend of 2 years was gifted a deposit to buy his own place and has a house . Recently my daughter's flat had a leak and the property manager wants to do extensive work. My daughter stary3d to look for another flat and her boyfriend said hey why don't you move in with me ? She was hesitant but chuffed as it seemed the relationship was moving forwards. The problem ; At the weekend they went for a walk with his mum, during the walk she pulled boy wonder to one side and had a discussion that was loud enough for my daughter to hear (she was behind them with the dog) it was in a nutshell a warning to her son to get a legal document signed and make sure she didn't "get his possessions or house" following the walk my DD approached BF and said is there an issue ? He says we need a solicitor, my mum has arranged one!!!! I have said right no moving in with him lets get hunting for a flat stay here until one becomes available I think it's horrible the way this was done ! I get there may be concerns on her part as there are on mine - my daughter is giving up her home she rightly has no legal rights to the house but if they split she would have nothing and nowhere , the manner in which this was done has peed me right off !!! ( he already listed her white goods on a selling site and told her to give notice )

OP posts:
brakethree · 19/08/2020 20:08

The mother was rude having the conversation in earshot of your DD. However she is protecting her son (as I would in the scenario) as you should be protecting your daughter. Whilst I agree she is 20 and an adult but there is no harm in having an honest conversation as she may not have thought it through.

For example, will she be paying him rent or half the mortgage? point out this doesn't give her rights on the property, it's like renting from any Tom, Dick or Harry.
What happens if they buy new furniture or decorate - how will this be split?
How does she see bills being split etc?

If it was my DD I would also gently approach the split of household chores, start as you mean to go on re washing, cooking etc.

Like others, there is danger that she moves in, all cosy, but then it goes wrong and she ends up having investing financially and emotionally but having no home.

Chezacheza · 19/08/2020 20:09

@Natsel84

Could you advise your daughter move in and pay her share of utility Bill's, nothing towards the mortgage ( his house ) then save in a separate account for a deposit on her own place ?
It’s different because women go on to have babies, take career breaks to look after the baby, work part time to accommodate child care, be SAHM if they split the mother tends to have the children more because the man has been left to get on with his career all of this effects the woman’s earning potential. Non of this effects the mans earning potential.

She could be signing a document that could see her future self and child in the street at the drop of a hat

12309845653ghydrvj · 19/08/2020 20:09

Sorry I don’t even understand how the bf’s mum was even that rude? It sounds like it was an accident that your daughter overheard at all, but even if she had said this in front of her I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all. It is in both of their interests that they have clear expectations set out, and that a lawyer assists.

The mom bought the house, the lawyer is probably the lawyer she used. It’s a small bit of extra work for her current lawyer to do.

Don’t stray trying to create problems, 99% your daughter will be fine with it in a few days, they will stay together and you’ll suddenly find everyone against you.

Yes your daughter feels hurt, that sucks and you should be there for her, but I don’t understand people who teach their children to not have frank conversations about these things.

HaveSomeTea · 19/08/2020 20:12

I’d definitely encourage my daughter to stay living by herself at that age. I think some people who move in together quite young, stay together out of habit rather than because they’re making an effort to spend time together because they want to. Then they just end up in a relationship that’s not great.

Aridane · 19/08/2020 20:13

His mother is absolutely right

Codexdivinchi · 19/08/2020 20:16

I have three girls and knowing what I know now I’d be telling them to sign fuck all. And if she does want to sign she needs her own solicitor to explain the future consequences of what his mother has drafted up.

Hardbackwriter · 19/08/2020 20:18

It’s different because women go on to have babies, take career breaks to look after the baby, work part time to accommodate child care, be SAHM if they split the mother tends to have the children more because the man has been left to get on with his career all of this effects the woman’s earning potential. Non of this effects the mans earning potential.

None of that is inevitable and most women don't have children with the guy they're going out with when they're 20. I don't see why he's supposed to not protect an asset solely owned by him because of the remote possibility that they have children at some point. I don't think she would have a claim anyway, so the mum is being a bit paranoid, but I can see why if she wants to be sure.

kikidee2015 · 19/08/2020 20:18

sounds like he wasn't 'gifted' anything! as in mother gave him the deposit and then reserves the right to tell him what to do. he's young too and being subjected to a domineering mother's agenda. finances are tight for everyone at the moment and it sounds like puppy love which may turn out to be something (or not) is being sabotaged by others. I don't have an easy answer apart from to say that it would be such a pity if a genuine potential long-term relationship were to fall because of relations and temporarily difficult finances.

Graphista · 19/08/2020 20:20

Rude and calculating of the boyfriends mother to do it the way she did BUT, I think advising her son to protect his assets is fair enough and your dd should be advised similarly.

However, I’d ALSO be advising dd not to contribute to any mortgage or buildings insurance, but yes she has to pay her way on other bills.

I would also advise against using the same solicitor as the boyfriend she needs her own to look over any agreements as his solicitor will be protecting his assets, it’d be a conflict of interests to use the one solicitor or even 2 in the same firm to be honest.

I’d also advise her to maintain financial independence via own job, own bank accounts etc

Chezacheza · 19/08/2020 20:22

None of that is inevitable and most women don't have children with the guy they're going out with when they're 20. I don't see why he's supposed to not protect an asset solely owned by him because of the remote possibility that they have children at some point. I don't think she would have a claim anyway, so the mum is being a bit paranoid, but I can see why if she wants to be sure

20 year olds don’t have babies? Since when Confusedand I think you’ll find if she invested in the property Mortgage, improvements or extension she could actually bring a claim.

OpalExtra · 19/08/2020 20:23

Are they getting a joint mortgage or is your daughter just moving in with him?

I can't see it as an issue either way.

Cocomarine · 19/08/2020 20:25

@kikidee2015 mother didn’t give him the deposit though 🤷🏻‍♀️

BottomOfMyPencilCase · 19/08/2020 20:27

Yy the bf was right to try to ring-fence his asset but you are also right that they were rude to discuss it the way they did.
If your DD wants to move in with him (and tbh I don't think she should because she seems too young as does he) then she needs to make it clear that she will take their proposal to her solicitor to ensure she is safeguarded too.

Hardbackwriter · 19/08/2020 20:29

@Chezacheza

None of that is inevitable and most women don't have children with the guy they're going out with when they're 20. I don't see why he's supposed to not protect an asset solely owned by him because of the remote possibility that they have children at some point. I don't think she would have a claim anyway, so the mum is being a bit paranoid, but I can see why if she wants to be sure

20 year olds don’t have babies? Since when Confusedand I think you’ll find if she invested in the property Mortgage, improvements or extension she could actually bring a claim.

I said 'most' women don't have a baby with the boyfriend they have when they're 20, not that no one does. I certainly think it's quite weird to just assume that they will have children together. The odds are that this relationship won't last and I think it's sensible, not evil, of the boyfriend's mum to encourage him to be realistic about that.
Porridgeoat · 19/08/2020 20:31

She’s only 20 and this maybe one of many relationships in her life time. Of course he needs to buy a flat for himself. They aren’t married, don’t have children and can only have been seeing each other a few years. Of course she needs to share the cost of the bills, food and household items but not pay rent. She can save for her own property.

PinkiOcelot · 19/08/2020 20:31

I know a lot of people are saying they don’t see a problem, they would do the same etc, as would I. However, don’t you think it could have been handled better. The mother could have had words when OP dd wasn’t there.
Just plain rude IMO.

Porridgeoat · 19/08/2020 20:32

But yes the mum should have talked to her son out of earshot

Chezacheza · 19/08/2020 20:33

I said 'most' women don't have a baby with the boyfriend they have when they're 20, not that no one does. I certainly think it's quite weird to just assume that they will have children together. The odds are that this relationship won't last and I think it's sensible, not evil, of the boyfriend's mum to encourage him to be realistic about that

You think it’s weird that when young adults move in with each other there is a very strong possibility they will go on to have children? Really?

Standrewsschool · 19/08/2020 20:44

Was your dd moving in temporarily when her flat was being renovated, or permanently? Was she planning to move in as his partner or as a lodger/tennant?

I don’t really understand why he was a tool as all he did was receive the information.

Why did she think she would have a legal right if they split? If they split, she’s in no different situation to what she is now? Or was she planning to pay part of the mortgage, and therefore own part of the house?

The mum was tactless talking in front of dd, but maybe she doesn’t seem son that often now he’s moved out, and maybe thought the dog walk was a good time to talk. Maybe it was a spur of the moment decesion. Maybe she didn’t realise how loud her voice carried.

I don’t get why you are so cross. Yes, I can understand your daughter was upset, and the mum should have been more discreet. However, she was looking out for her son, as you are for your daughter.

jessstan2 · 19/08/2020 20:45

@hastingsmua1

If I’m being honest, relationships where you live together at 20 can be hit or miss. It’s better for her to have her own place instead of being completely dependent on him as she’ll be in a shit position if they split up.

They’re not necessarily about to settle down and it’s okay for either of them to want to leave the relationship at any point.

Unfortunately I do think it’s logical for him to want to protect his house

I agree with all of that. OP, encourage your daughter to be independent and have her own place.

However, the boyfriend's mother should not have been saying that in your daughter's earshot, it was a rude way to do it.

kikidee2015 · 19/08/2020 20:47

that's what I thought was said in the initial post - that the mother had given him funds (deposit) to get his own place. Anyway, regardless of anything, if my parents had decided they wanted to dictate my life at that age I would have told them to 'do one' and I think it is crucial to development that offspring of that age are left to find their own way and what works for them. They are adults and will learn through mistakes as I did. Any help I give to my children when they are early adults to help them up the ladder will be totally without strings. I recognise that I had a free university education and low house prices when I graduated. The odds are stacked against my kids. So I will do what I can to help them get started but I will not judge. If they burn the opportunity, the next bit is up to them. because it's not just finances that the older generation are interfering with here!

Hardbackwriter · 19/08/2020 20:48

@Chezacheza

I said 'most' women don't have a baby with the boyfriend they have when they're 20, not that no one does. I certainly think it's quite weird to just assume that they will have children together. The odds are that this relationship won't last and I think it's sensible, not evil, of the boyfriend's mum to encourage him to be realistic about that

You think it’s weird that when young adults move in with each other there is a very strong possibility they will go on to have children? Really?

I'm sure this is influenced by your own experiences (I don't know anybody who had a child with their boyfriend from when they were 20, or indeed who is still with their teenage boyfriend - sorry to be blunt about it, but I and all my friends would have considered getting pregnant at 20 a disaster) but no, I don't think it's a 'very strong' possibility that a 20 year old will have a child with her boyfriend. The average age of a first-time mother in the UK is 29 and the average relationship of a person in their 20s lasts less than 4 years, so I don't think most of them were with their partners at 20.

Anyway, I don't really see the relevance of it - if they do have a child together then the issue could be revisited (preferably by getting married). She can't legally sign away the right to child maintenance and nor would having a child give her any sort of automatic right to a share of the flat if she didn't sign this agreement.

Melroses · 19/08/2020 20:48

I would encourage her to maintain her independence and keep her own flat, and the white goods he seems intent on selling. She can stay with him as much as she likes, but she will still maintain her own space.

His mother is organising his life and a solicitor, and he is organising flogging your daughter's household goods. It looks like she will be the bottom of the pile in this set up which is concerning.

Leaannb · 19/08/2020 20:48

How was she treated badly? Its best for everything to be clearly laid out and proper contracts to be signed...His mother gave him very sound and practical advice. Whats the issue

AcrobaticCardigan · 19/08/2020 20:50

To be honest, he owns the property & needs to protect his interests. His mum could have better handled this, however I know how I’d feel if it were my child doing this!